Thursday, December 29, 2005

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Self-Aggrandizing Close of 2K5

Well i guess i will just copy other people's close out the year posts with one of my own. I dont want to lace this thing with cheesy lame goals for next year or things i hope to accomplish, bullshit. i had a great time, saw some good concerts, saw some titties, drank a lot, puffed a lot, upgraded electronically, and didnt do one iota of volunteer work to help someone besides myself or people i care about. road tripped, gambled, won, lost, watched lots of HeaDy, ripped off Interpol again, and got a tan in november. without further ado, here are the best posts of 2K5 (by month- for the record, i was way craftier in the beginning so there are multiple bests):

January - How To Be A Baller, a great fiction about Stats McGiggler and friends.
February - tough call between fiction (Koko Got Served) and reality (Spring Fashion 201) although i got a TON of heat for this one (Giving Yourself a Nickname is LAME)
March - Nut Trees, Popped Collars, Girls Squatting
April - again a toss up between Leash Kids and ATLien Drivers
May - Star Wars SUCKS! , the Hate Fuck, and of course the KY Derby 2005
June - Girls Cannot Rape Guys (except for the clowns i know)
July - I Am Not a Friendster Whore, with mini-shout outs to porn stars (scroll down)
August - Ben Harper is z dank, Fantasy Football begins
September - Weed College, the Roast of my friends, and jewish gun control
October - All Movie Theater Employees are Retards
November - South Park fictional episode, halloween recap
December - (this was like a week ago, but...) Merry Fucking Christmas!

Thanks to all the inspirational characters in my life.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

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How does everyone out there feel about bumper stickers like this one? at work? come on now.

for those out thurr who cant read so good:
america must atone
black reparations now!

also while i have your picture attention:

halloween costume scare factor #1

halloween costume scare factor #2

exercise your right to vote the scariest. in the comments section.
(and comment on how black people should drop this one and fight for a better cause re: above)

Decadence and Depravity

Its wednesday and i am back in the cube... for what reason, i have no idea. no one is here. i just got back from a whirlwind trip to the ville and back, friday to tuesday. it was quite enjoyable. as with all of my road trips, i was back on the sauce again. since i havent really been puffing you can imagine the effect vitamin M had on my video game driving skills, ipod clutch playlist picking, having my own personal paranoia as a radar detector, and of course lots of stored up thoughts in my noggin.

1. i have a cool new invention. the target audience would be young people who take road trips or drive long distances through many states. ok so you know that each state has college favorite teams. and kids plaster their team all over their rear window- stickers, hats, etc. there should be a flippable rear window sticker holder where you can slide in any state you want. i bet cops would be less likely to pull an out of state driver over if he had that state's window sticker in his window. just a thought here people.

2. sunflower seeds are delicious. and people who eat seeds are cool too.

3. you know how sometimes you go over to a girls place and she will be dragging out the clock on the inevitable nudity that must transpire between two people with sexual tension? lets say she's in the kitchen and she asks you if you want anything to drink. wouldnt it be nice if when we ask for a glass of water, the girl knew she was about to give head + swallow because you were chivalrous enough to think about washing away the after taste?

4. there should be a website out there that allows you to dynamically plan a road trip based on types of cool sites, activities, cities, etc. that you want to stop in. google labs, get on it bitches. just plug the maps thing up to travel guides.

5. whatever happened to cross colours? why were black people wearing dashiki shit for about 8 years and then it vanished like thin air?

6. (i thought of this before south park) why do people go to group meetings re: alcoholism, mj, coke, etc? besides the fact that they are based on prayer and jesus and forgiveness and all that shit, why would you want to dwell in misery with other miserable people? whats the point of sharing your shitty story with other shitty people with shitty stories? why do you need to be validated by other people trying to turn their lives around? group meetings seem like more of a depressant than a valuable network of peer help to me. its like their sole purpose is to gather a bunch of people with one problem and make them all feel like losers together. devils advocate, chime in... i cant tell if i am being too insensitive or not.

7. if you are a comcast/hbo subscriber and also not a retard, then you should know that there is a feature called onDemand. and on demand you can gain access to movies on hbo and also lots of the series of certain episodes. right now, in anticipation of the march sopranos season, you can catch all of Sopranos: Season 1. i have watched the whole thing now, and i must say... season 1 is way darker than the shit that is on now. in the current season, there are so many plot lines that they have to devote focus to all of them. in the first season, everything revolves around tony. tony's dreams, tony's psychiatrist sessions, tony's family, tony's head. the writing is way darker. AJ and meadow look like little fucking kids. there are way more random titty shots of strippers. and adrianna isnt having BM movements... she is just a hostess at artie buco's restaurant, being introduced for season 2. watching season 1 over again is like the star wars phenomenon... you can tell where certain things are going and foreshadowing is rendered ineffective. season 1 was the only one i watched, when it came out, because i was home for that summer with HBO. but i couldnt remember any of the events... it was like a clean slate. so even if you are a huge fan, or just want to see what the hype is about, check out Season 1 on demand. i am telling you, the reason the show is a success is because of this season. it hooked people early.

i have one more blog-a-comin. it will take some time. holler to the comments section if youre bored at work today, since no one else is there to unbore you.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

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Merry Christmas!

Why must people around the country assume that if they are out busy shopping for expensive electronics, stocking stuffers, weird red/green yarn lampshade combos, ugly poinsettia-pattern throw pillows, buddy jesus dolls, and any other weird goysha things you christians have, that everyone on this green earth is also a christian? i mean it boggles the mind how many people have told me merry christmas, or in passing asked me 'are you ready for christmas?', or any other variation on this topic. companies host christmas parties. people bring in christmas cupcakes. the door to my office was decorated in christmas mock carols and snowflake cutouts with fucking ugly red/green christmas colored lights. some of you are so blind to your own cliches that you don your roofs and trees and gutters and doors and windows and lawn decorations with the tackiest fucking shit-- so tacky that jesus himself would wonder what the fuck you were thinking, all he wanted for his birthday was peace on earth and a good hummer from that little whore mary down the street.

i am not trying to be a grinch here. decorations that look nice and trim and pretty are in fact cool to look at. holidays are wonderful, and a great time to give sensible gifts to people you give a fuck about. i just dont understand how people can live in a country where white people are about to be the minority and still think that christianity touches everyone you interact with. i mean i have a fucking jewfro and am consistently absent for jewish holidays every year... how hard is it to understand to just tell me and everyone else happy holidays. thanksgiving, christmas, new years. they are all crammed into a short timeframe, and they are all national holidays, so why cant you just say that shit, biatch?

ahh ok moving on, i am going to parlay all my chanukah gifts into one giant best buy spree. i love how now instead of getting 8 gifts i just get one big fat one from everyone, and they actually ask what you want every year. BEST BUY GIFT CERTIFICATES, por favor. always something dank to buy at best buy. if the XBOX 360 were ever in stock anywhere in this country, i would jump on that faster than a gold digger on kobe's dong. i have also toyed with the idea of getting a little 36 incher HDtv for my lair.

today i go in for the drug test. i won't lie and tell you i havent smoked since december 5... last friday i smelled this amazing funky bud and i knew that i had to get ripped. but it has basically been 3 weeks without. the process for cleansing yourself is as follows: go to galaxy head shop, purchase vale drink, drink 8 servings of water a day leading up to the test. on the day of the test eat something small a few hours before you drink the vales, drink at least 2-3 servings of water in the morning, drink the vales about 3 hours before you are going to take the test, fill the vales bottle up with water and drink that over the next 30 minutes, piss 3 times, go take the test. its that simple. so tonight, my friends, i cant say i wont be ridiculously fucked up and munching on ritz crackers and not remembering my dreams the next day.

i have officially decided my plans for CHRISTMAS break and new years. I am driving home Friday-Tuesday to the ville. during this trip i will drink cheap whiskey, see the fam, get said money for danktronics, maybe go on a date, hit up the casino, and any other shenanigans i can fit into the long weekend. my mother is making brisket and latkes, the two best things of all time that she is sick at cooking. For NYE i will be up in NYC. now i realize that i may not be able to get from airport to apartment we are staying at, apartment to tourist things, apartment to bars, or bars to home, but hopefully that subway thing will be figured out before millions of tourists hit this city up. my buddy DJ skanciel is throwing a baddas vip party at mission off bowery, for those interested. all of the old cheefee ballers will be crawling out of the woodwork to recap a good year and to share baller adventures with each other. some of them might even roll joints up in $100 bills and smoke those, just to prove how truly bally they are. others may rent Hummer H3 limos and ride around town popping moet and shit to outball other ballers. i will just be trying to score some ass.

last but not least, my ipod is fucked. i havent even had it for 6 months. the other day i came back to it and it was off. i figured the battery had run out so when i got home to plug it into the usb port, nothing was showing up. then i plugged it into the wall and it still hasnt turned on. i mean it is just dead. anyone out there heard of this issue? let me know.

oh shit, that was going to be the last thing but i have one more thing. last night i played in a 'friendly' game of poker. 8 people to start. literally for 2 1/2 hours i sat there watching people take each others money and catch awesome cards. i did not win one hand in that time, and i probably played 6 hands in 150 minutes. imagine the boredom. but i knew they would come soon, as cards tend to eventually show up, and so instinctively bought in for another 20 since everyone else was real juiced up. i tripled through, meaning i was up to about 80 bucks. the game was ending and it was getting dangerously close to 2 am, and my buddy bellend was saying he wasnt going to get involved in pots with me, i had obv been playing tight. so on the 2nd to last hand i had hit a belly buster straight flush draw and went all in and even though this kid had a draw he obviously folded for 75 bucks (he had me covered). so on the last hand, i peer down and see AQ offsuit. since i had won the last 2 hands i decided to straddle in my position. everyone was in (down to 6-handed game) and when it got back to me i raised it up 3 bucks. bellend calls and maybe one other caller... so about a $15 pot.

Flop comes: 10 10 J rainbow

i decide that if i wanna see another card, i will have to bet. so i bet $5. bellend calls me and the other kid folds. heads up. $25 pot.

Turn card: K

haha, i am 95% sure bellend doesnt have a full house, so i just say i'm all in thinking he wouldnt possibly call off his money on the last hand of the night. but he calls me after about 3 seconds of thinking. i look at him and say, do you have the boat? he says nope. i say ive got you in the quietest whisper, because i basically just sucked out on him and got my straight with the seemingly harmless K. he turned over 10 3. so he had outs... a 10, three 3's, three K's, three J's. when the river was a blank, i took down the biggest and last pot of the night for about 140. he of course was trying to sucker me in on the flop, but things went south on the turn. here are the odds:

AsQd vs Tc3c
63.3% - 36.6% before the flop
16.1% - 83.9% on the flop
77.3% - 22.7% on the turn

Hope that you all have a wonderful HOLIDAY and a happy new year. i am off to drink my vales!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

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Some Fuddup Dream Interpretations

Since most of you know that the cheeba was a large part of my daily activity, i have to tell you about this crazy phenomenon that has been happening since i have stopped. i tried to google it but there isnt much scientific knowledge on the subject, just some idiots babbling like reformed potheads who have lost their way.... but! basically, every morning when i wake up i remember tons of stuff about my dreams. i am talking about significant, clear-headed memory of everything that went down in the dream. has anyone ever heard of or experienced this phenomenon? any sort of links would be helpful.

i have started to have this recurring dream involving me and my car; sometimes it involves a stolen car, sometimes it involves a car crash, sometimes i am just driving like a fucking lunatic. if you want to hear the long version, (it gets real weird), i was staying at my sister's cabin in Indiana and Nehemiah from the Real World Austin and rusty, a local atl blogger, broke into the house and were caught red-handed. i have no idea why rusty and nehemiah would ever be in my dream. anyway, to get revenge i jacked nehemiah's nissan altima and kept it here in atlanta and obviously he never knew me and never knew why anyone would jack an altima. but, his altima was tricked out and had awesome speakers and tint and all this shit. eventually i met up with rusty and after many a drinks, he convinced me to return the car to nehemiah. then we all became good buddies and we all lived in bloomington, indiana of all places.

in another dream i was driving my sister in my car and we were headed to SanFran. i was driving really fast and basically went around this 180 degree sharp curve on the highway and crashed the car. i skidded across the road and when i stood up my head fell off. my sister was panicking but of course i was calm and collect and told her not to worry. apparently the whole time i was like looking at my fucked up body and i was actually a ghost looking down on the whole situation and talking to her. this dream was so weird and i guess at some point i realized this sub consciously so i woke myself up from the dream at like 4 am and re-started back in the dream where i was alive instead of dead.

i mean, talk about fucked up shit... i had no idea what any of the dreams could even mean, and since i havent been in the position to interpret any of my dreams in like 3 years, i had to consult the expert. if you dont know, there is a source on the internet that has gathered tons of info about dreams. The Dream Dictionary can really break things down for you and talks about all different types of subtopics, you just have to look up the main topic and it will list all these different situations regarding that idea.

so here is what dream dictionary tells me:
-To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.
-To see your sister in your dream, symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with her, whether it one of sibling rivalry, caring, protectiveness, etc. Your sister may draw attention to your family role and sense of belonging.
-To dream that you are in an accident, signifies pent up guilt and you are sub-consciously punishing yourself over it. To dream of a car accident, symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears. Are you "driving" yourself too hard? This dream may tell you to slow down before you hit disaster. You need to rethink or re-plan your course of actions and set yourself on a better path.
-To dream that someone is trying to rip your head off, suggests that you are not seeing a situation or problem clearly. Perhaps you are refusing to see the truth. You have to confront the situation or the person despite the pain and discomfort you might feel in doing so.

I guess all in all, these topics are not exactly thrilling to be sub consciously dreaming about. but its nice to know that i am being stripped of my identity and that i need to repair my relationship with my sister. i am heading home for hannukah during the break i get from you christians, which is a pretty sweet deal. she will be there and hopefully if the drug test has taken place, we can smoke a big fattie and repair our relationship together. or am i fucking up the interpretation of dreams and i am supposed to not ever get high again? someone who has an ounce of psych education, help a brother out here!!

sorry you have had to read through this ridiculous self-reflecting speech.

Monday, December 12, 2005

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The Artist Formerly Known As ShoobieDoobie

no longer am i the smiley, asian-eyed, cracky sense of humored, headified, blitzed, blazed, cocked, piney-tasting, burnout, chillaxed doobie smoker i once was. unfortunately my little green friend and i have had to part ways for an extended period of time. i could make up a story here about how i finally had a bad experience on the 'mota', but i would just be lying to you all... and everyone knows that herb's a gift thats from the earth, and whats from the earth is of ja greatest worth. unfortunately i have interviewed for a highly respectable position with a contracting company that tests its new hires and since i anticipate getting the job, i am going to have to hit up Starship and grab some Vales. i just feel that my body needs to detoxify and this is probably the #1 guaranteed scientific way to do it. according to all my friends, who are big headies.

this change has had some positives... i didnt pound cheerios, nature's finest granola bars, popcorn, and my mommas wonderbars last night for a midnight snack. (roomie) i also am thinking a little more clearly and am sharp as a tack when it comes to coding data access layers during stored procedure executions to update our sql database located on the web server with asp1.1 installed. but the truth is i have surrounded myself with friends who all herbalize and now everytime someone passes me a piece of glass i have to give them the middle finger because they cant remember that 3 seconds ago i passed for the exact same reason as this time. my halo2 gaming skills are definitely taking a dive, the noob combo is just hard for me to grasp. also, this may be karmatically related, but my entire AIM buddy list got lost sometime between saturday and sunday, rendering my nerdy 2000s means of communications useless. i cant even go see any movies in the theater because i know they wont be as entertaining as before. my ipod sounds flat. concerts are probably lame, although i havent been to one since the switchover.

another good thing is that i can still get really really fucking drunk. my bar tabs crept into the low 100s this weekend, a slight change from previous weekends where i was drinking because i had cotton mouth and not because i was thirsty mike. but you tokers know the feeling... you get real fucked up at a bar, you talk to some yatches about the after party, but then you realize that you cant be a part of that after-party, even if it is fictional, because you are stuck sipping on booze and cant top the night off with a big fat binger or two before you doze off into passedthefuckout land. then you wake up sunday with a massive headache, but you dont have tylenol in the house because vitamin M solves all problems and youre not used to using conventional medicine to solve your woes. you know you want brunch and to watch football all day but you cant work up an appetite without it and although HD looks crisper than you remember, youd rather it be semi-blurry under a hazy glazed state of mind.

ahhh... those were the old days.
speaking of the old days, whatever happened to the whole 'checking bags' concept at an airport. when was there a vast change in our society that dictated people should carry-on the enormous luggage bag instead of just checking it and bringing a book and maybe some gum through the metal detector? am i an idiot for being old school and checking whatever big bag i have with me regardless of which airline, airport, or arrival time i am scheduled to fly for? people get really bitchy when the seatbelt sign comes on and the plane doors dont open immediately, but then they take a frickin hour to get their massive bag out of the overhead compartment and through the tiny aisle that is on any plane. the old school passengers have to sit there with their ipod and headphones stowed neatly in their jacket pocket while the rest of the plane takes a ridiculous amount of time getting off before them. dont you idiots realize how much easier it would be to let the airline people take care of your shit, not to mention everyone can get off the plane and to their connecting gates faster without the mass carry-ons? especially tiny women... i mean how much time are you truly saving by bringing that hideous LV bag plus luggage onto the plane with you, just to wait for a nice enough guy to help you get it out of the bin, getting heckled by the idiots in 43A and B, etc etc. i just dont get it.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

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4 Inches

No no no perv, we arent talking about the size of John Fox's pecker today. instead, lets discuss shoobie's trip to the great Northeast- more specifically Hartford, Connecticut. after spending several luxurious days in sunny Puerto Rico, my dumbass decided to cruise up north for a football game, some boozing, foxwoods casino, and whatever else came my way.

I flew a lame ass layover flight into Chi town (o'hare) and then on to BDL outside hartford. the plane leaving chi was so fucking late and delayed that i didnt get into town until early friday morning, 1 am. if i had been there on time, we would have been able to get crunk drunk... instead we just smoked and passed out.

for the record, it was frickin freezing in CT the entire time i was there. going outside to smoke was absolutely unenjoyable and the bars and restaurants there are 100% non smoking. good for good people, bad for bad boys. the best part about CT though was that the entire town of hartford seemed to be filled with slutty whores. now i might be slightly exaggerating, but all the guys talked like they were from Will Hunting's entourage and the #1 topic of discussion was who they banged, when they banged them, and which of the other guys in the car also banged the girl at one point. sisters were NOT off-limits in the convos, which kinda freaks me out a bit.

anyway, friday afternoon we drove into bumblefuck CT to hit up foxwoods casino. if youve ever been there, then you already know its allegedly the largest gaming floor in the US... and i would concur. it was like a mile long complex that looked like a carnie indian decorator and architect had schemed together to maximize white people profits while tucking it into a mountain that no one can find unless theyre looking for it. but they did have good poker.... i played in the $100 max buy in no-limit texas game. so that means when you double or triple up to $300, no new players can touch you and you can bully anybody. i made some tremendous folds, some incredible raises, and although i didnt pay for the flight to CT i paid for all the liquor we drank. or should i say, some yankees fan paid for all the liquor i drank. also, youll never believe who was at my poker table. for you ESPN fans out there, please tell me this is not Tony Kornheiser from PTI.

Tony is tight-agressive; just like your mother

Friday night i got so fucking drunk i had no clue what was going on. swilly hangs out with some cool dudes and cute girls, which is kinda a change from ATL life... i was so hungover the next morning i couldnt even keep breakfast down without throwing up in my mouth a little. a few puff puff passes and it was all good. saturday night, after a dank italian carryout spot, we went to see the Louisville Cards take on the UConn Huskies in an arousing match of college pigskin. despite Texas and USC throwing up basketball-esque scores saturday, our game was somewhat close. Our wonderboy QB is out for the season, so a redshirt freshman QB and my man Michael Bush #19 were the go-to guys on offense. Bush scored 3 TDs and i of course was so obnoxious every time it happened.... i had to be, there were like 20 louisville fans in the whole fucking stadium. i wore jeans, tearaway pants, tshirt, jersey, fleece, jacket, gloves, hat, double socks, and i was still so fucking cold! the parking lot is not a lot, its a frickin runway... so the mile walk was enjoyable to drink on, but bad for struggling through 20 degrees just to sit on bleachers and freeze asses off. but i did have a sweet time. and the prices are way lower than 8.50 beers and 6.50 nachos like at turner field. and of course, we won 30-20.

that night just had a few drinks, nothing out of hand, and went to bed thinking i might be mad delayed due to snow predictions for the night. turns out, they were only half right. my plane took off on time, but not before i got to play in.... 4 INCHES of snowfall. i havent even been able to make a snowball in 2 years in this frickin weirdo south town. i hope it snows like the dickens this winter with all the crazy weather. anyway, here is a picture of what happens to someone's ix when they get chilly.

are they called frostix or snowix? the world may never know

so that was my trip, didnt see the falcons bite major penis. did get to hear that since FSU beat VaTech in what can only be described as the craziest ACC year in awhile, somehow Louisville gets to play VaTech in a bowl game down in Jacksonville. Should i go to that or go home or go to NYC for NYE? i cannot fucking decide and input would be highly appreciated. glad to be back down in A-town as of now... can someone talk to god about this frickin weather? its fucking up my tan lines.