Friday, July 09, 2004

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Men Can Fake Too

Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal put the topic of faking an orgasm on the map in their 1989 film "When Harry Met Sally."
Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry Burns: Well, they haven't faked it with me.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because I know.
Sally Albright: Oh. Right. Thats right. I forgot. Youre a man.
Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright: Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it so you do the math.
The idea that faking an orgasm is one-sided is actually quite preposterous. By nature, it is much easier for a woman to fake than a man. I mean, lets look at basic anatomy and you know that a girl doesnt have to prove anything beyond a few moans, a little arching of the back, deep thrusts, fall down tired as hell. If she's really good she can even do a little contraction action to throw the guy off. Women are also generally better actors than men, they pay more attention to detail, and since they have allegedly been faking all their lives, they have some pretty good practice.

In a survey taken of 15,000 website visitors, 70% of women and 25% of men have admitted to faking or acting out their shit with their partner. The low male percent is probably due to the fact that a man's fake orgasm has to be thought out, contrived, planned, and most importantly-- to not get caught.

But why fake an orgasm at all? Women and men have a plethora of different reasons for faking, but the #1 answer by both men and women is: to make their partner happy. Women know that the best way to stroke a guys ego is to make him feel like a fucking master in the bedroom. Most men just want their woman to be sexually satisfied, regardless of their personal pleasure. And therein lies the problem... neither sex is cool with the other faking an orgasm with them. We are both guilty of it and yet we continue to act out our pleasure to make the other partner feel like they are giving some seriously good deep dickin'.

There are good reasons to fake... lets say you just downed about 12 jack and cokes and you get home from the bar and you throw on your little hat and start pounding that headboard. the girl is a freak and she is just going fucking nuts over this "d" sex. lets say she doesnt fake it...in fact she is such a porn star that she has 3 orgasms before you even get close to the point of no return. i mean with the whiskey and the sweat and the heat and the screaming, you can't find pleasure for yourself-- this chick is having enough for the both of you and half the neighbors. So you do what any man does. You go wild for about 2 minutes, dig nails in a little, throw it as deep as you can, and let out a little groan...maybe even a shudder for effect. but now its crunch time... you have to get this yatch off your dizzl, go to the bathroom, wrap it up in as many layers of TP as possible, and throw it away deep in the trash can so she doesnt go looking. then you have to come back and pretend you dont have a case of blue balls, spoon positions #1 and #3. it sucks. faking sucks.
VERONICA: You show some bedroom proficiency, and you think you're gods. What about what we do for you?
DANTE: Women? Women, as lovers, are all basically the same: they just have to be there.
VERONICA: Be there?
DANTE: Making a male climax is not all that challenging: insert somewhere close and preferably moist; thrust; repeat.
VERONICA: How flattering.
         --Clerks
Basically half of the men and women surveyed said they would have hurt feelings if they knew their partner was consciously making an effort to fake. 95% of men and women said they would NOT want their partner to fake for them. Since the reason for faking is to make your partner happy, and almost all the people having sex would not want their partner faking, doesnt it make sense that we should all just stop fucking faking?!?

I guess my perspective might be skewed because i am not married nor do i have a lady friend to speak of, but I dont understand why its so bad or shameful for a girl to be like: listen, buddy, you are not hitting the clit. at all. why dont you take me from behind so i can get off instead of this mindless pointless pleasureless sex? or what about: yo, this feels really good baby, but is there any way you can kinda widen your legs a little--ooooooh god, ya, right there, oh oh oh, peace.

If you dont have to fake, hey good work. but for the rest of you, lets just try to sit back and enjoy the sex for the sex and stop trying to hunt down this fucking o-word. if its not working out for you, i think it would be much cooler to be direct with the guy/girl about what is better and what works more effectively. i would much rather have a girl say do it this way than for her to have to fake, go tell all her gossipy friends, etc etc. If everyone stopped faking and started communicating we would probably be a lot better in this world. Thank you, have a good fucking weekend. (no pun intended)

3 Comments:

At 7/09/2004 11:10 AM, Blogger jsk323 said...

Another message on communication from the King of passive-aggressiveness...awesome.

Oh, and just for the record we had a conversation about this the other day (Ali/Heidi can confirm) and Shoobie claimed that beyond the shadow of a doubt that no one had ever faked with him...

Booyaksha, respect.

 
At 7/09/2004 2:22 PM, Blogger cmdrslappy said...

so here's the poop from a Real Life Girl (some of you i'm sure would beg to differ, but you matter not)...

the general concensus is that female orgasms are relatively difficult to attain. unless the girl is pleasuring herself, in which case, she knows EXACTLY what to do and how to get it. another generally well-known girl fact is that orgasms are directly related to the clitoris, and that penetration doesn't have much of an effect unless the clitoral stimulus is bundled in with it. orgasms from penetration only are possible, though very very hard to achieve. and so, fellas, if you've ever had one of those raving screamers that you figured you'd given...oh, four or five or six of 'em simply using your amazing cock and with no attention paid to the other parts, i'm gonna go ahead and tell you that was total bullshit. sorry, charlies. if you've ever actually accomplished it, you can tell there's a definite difference between the real thing and a fake--girls tend to look less pornstar hot when they're really coming, and actually lose control of some basic motor functions for a couple of seconds, just like dudes...there's the shaking and the shuddering and the failure of the knees, all that jazz. not just "ooh yeah!"'s and "oh god!"'s.

i myself have never had a problem with any of this junk, i'm the most cumminist bitch ever. i can't be bothered to fake it, i'm out for myself a little, too, and therefore will not let mr. x think he's off the hook before he really is. and also, i've never needed to use lube. lots of folks do, i hear, but i got no problems in that department. i mean, yeah, lube is required for anal, yes. but that's a whole different beast.

you wanted a comment, dude, there it is.

 
At 7/09/2004 2:23 PM, Blogger cmdrslappy said...

oh, one more thing.

meat curtains.

that is all.

 

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