Wednesday, December 08, 2004

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Child Abuse

Ya right, like my bong resined mind could ever come up with enough scratch to conquer such a vast and minefield laced topic as child abuse. After watching another installment of Road Trip meets Old School meets Zoolander (aka Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story) i was reminiscing about my summer after freshman year. All my friends were in the ville, only this time we had experienced beer funnels, jager bombs, freshman punan, jappydom, etc etc. things couldnt be going better in terms of my alcoholic resistance... i could tip back a bottle of bartons charcoal filtered for at least 10 seconds straight before getting an intense buzz and a subsequent hacking gross sour face thing going on.

my summer revolved around binge drinking, trying to kick game in the ville, and of course the pleasant summer job of JCC camp counselor. now the best part about being a camp counselor is that it requires very little actual work. i mean yes you have to tell the kids what to do, where to be, play nice, and all that other shit. but its one of the best fun jobs i have ever had. i got to be in charge of sports (me! ha) and here is how the routine went. the kids would show up all fucking cracked out on add medicine and sugarhighs. there are a range of jewish kids in terms of sports... some kids are pretty badass at hand eye coordination, their parents probably tried to get them to try everything and they can hold their own in a hot game of kickball. then there are the girls who only care about looking cute and talking about secret shit that only people in their club can know. then there are the doofus jewish guys. the guys who go to ga tech in aepi. the kids who get picked on like crazy by the rich jewish kids because their parents teach them to latch onto money at a fresh young age of 8. regardless of social status, energy level, attention disorders, and all the other shit that is fucked up about american youth, there is one universal truth: the more laps they run, the harder they crash during naptime.

some days when it would rain, we would get to go play in the racquetball courts. dont worry, i didnt pelt the kids with my stunning 60 mph corner kill shot. but! we did get to play some mean games of dodgeball (and gaga). the best part about playing 8 year olds in dodgeball is that they dont have any muscle mass built up at all. i mean, they can barely hold the ball in one hand and when its coming at you at 20 mph its automatic that youre going to get them out plus bring one back in from your team. and when you pelt a little 8 year old in the ass with a dodgeball, its like a little piece of heaven to watch them fall down to the floor and walk off with their head down.

another good thing about 8 year olds and dodgeball is, its a huge bargaining chip in their eyes. dont act up or no dodgeball today. the longer you take to change the less time for dodgeball. i am going to play on the girls team if you guys dont stop fucking about. you get the idea.

now i dont know much about child abuse. i dont know what it stems from. i dont know why weirdos get off on it. but i do know this. tagging a kid in the face with a rubber ball is one of the most enjoyable feelings in the world. try it sometime. just watch out for their park ave, manolo blahnik wearing, prada bag carrying jewish soccer mom in the carpool line.... they will rip your head off and shit down your throat if you threaten their child's precious cherry hill/highland park/syosset/BLOOMFIELD HILLS ego.

little isaac is about to get dotted by the older and more coordinated abraham


At 12/09/2004 9:09 AM, Blogger Michele said...

Ouch! You bruised my 'Bloomfield' ego.

At 12/09/2004 4:10 PM, Blogger cmdrslappy said...

yo, Bloomfield is my bf's last name.

on another note, the isaac and abraham thing is BEYOND funny. where'd you develop that oh-so-witty and intelligent humor?


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