Monday, August 16, 2004

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Strip Clubs

ahh yes, strip clubs. the seedy side of our society. strip clubs are pretty much intertwined with most 18-32 year old guys' lives. there are also plenty of men 50+ at every strip club, but they are basically invisible since they dont have tassels on their nips and mini ass pants showing a little bit of cameltoe.

visiting a strip club is not usually something you plan... i mean, maybe to top off a cheesy bachelor party, but in general its spontaneous visits that make the strip club like a new adventure every time. a visit to a club can only be summoned by:
1) out of town guest- when someone from out of town comes in, youre always trying to think of new shit to do while they are there....some way to entertain.
2) birthday- people turn 21 and if there is no casino in sight, usually strip club is a necessary.
3) a drunken idea- Drunken boredom will surely lead to either playing skynyrd at high volumes on a jukebox or crashing at a table full of titties.
4) testosterone overload- sometimes when guys get together, and its late, and theyre all fucked up, there is always a skance in there to suggest strip club....most of the time there are takers.
5) some girls want to go- i have been to strip clubs for all five of these reasons, and i have to say that the most fun is definitely #5. the idea that a girl wants to go check out other girls boobs and maybe a little of the money shot is intriguing to all guys, dont ask why. also, its like a status symbol there... sleazy guys give you mad shout outs in the strip club arena for being able to come AND get girls to tag along.

before you read some strip club stories, you are going to need to pass the following test:

1) If a stripper smiles and winks at you and maybe even touches you or grinds her ass in your crotch, what are your chances of taking her home?
2) If you know youve heard all that shit, but this girl is REALLY cool and is REALLY talking about important shit with you!, what are your chances of taking her home?
3) If you buy a stripper 3 chardonnays at a strip club plus two dances from her, how much head should you expect?

if your answer to any of the previous questions was not zero, then you are already lost and need to re-evaluate your purpose there. one time we went with this kid louis and he would not shut up about how he got the strippers number and he was going to ask her to go to florida with us the next day....he would ditch his current date for a stripper for sure. dude, strippers dont ever ever ever date the customers. you have money she wants and she will do whatever to get it. thats it.

so, here go as many stories of strip clubs as i can recall.

My First Time-- my very first strip club was actually in Louisville, KY, and was called Deja Vu. Apparently there are Vu's all over the u.s. but basically they cant sell alcohol so its cool for 18 year old guys to get in there. i guess it was cool, i mean i didnt know what the hell to do or how to act or any of that shit. i basically just sat in the back and watched glaser's buddy do his thang. they got lap dances and actually he knew the stripper from high school so he got the hook up. (trivia- even if you know a stripper from high school, you STILL won't ever take her home. ever.)

The Dollhouse-- the dollhouse is one of many sketchy strip clubs on cheshire in atl. basically this was the place where ID didnt matter, as long as you spent lots of money and brought enough people to get in. we used to take rushees to the dollhouse because it was like the nastiest place on the strip. the strippers here are sub-par. on a monday-thursday, expect to see the worst grade of strippers gracing the stage. a good thing about a dark low-lit sketch bar is that they can do a lot nastier shit on stage than in an upscale place. but i mean, who really wants to see madame chocolicious's back-bending stretch maneuver.

The Lance Factor-- one time, and only once, at about 2 am, me and skance decided to roll to the pony. usually you dont just roll with one other dude, but we did get a really soft spot right by center stage. lance of course had the porn star who was featured sign an autograph picture with her juices for $5. gross. also when lance graduated last year (late) they threw him a goodbye party at the pony. he got to go on stage and had like 8 strippers in his face. one even rode him like a bull. and he got a wedgie from them. it was funny. always beware the lance factor at any public place where hot women are around...especially when he's skancing.

Club One-- so there is this place in savannah called club one. its really, really super gay. the stripper lady chablee actually works there some nights. so as a pledge class we rolled into club one and went to the 'show' upstairs. it was of course a transvestite show in the upstairs room of a gay club downstairs. awesome...especially for 20 guys. the best part was that we all had to put a dollar in the chicks things. my buddy opdyke put it in his teeth and made her take it out of his mouth. then he kinda motioned for her to bend down... then kyle kissed her on the cheek and sat down. everyone was shocked and laughing and crying and ya know, he just kissed a transvestite! we just had to put the dollar in, not kiss them! anyway 6 hours later when we were all passed out on one hotel room floor, someone goes..opdyke, i cant believe you kissed that guy! what? you kissed that fucking guy stripper! that was a girl. kyle, what was a fucking guy! i didnt know she had a hog. haha, best quote ever.

- confession: i have never gotten a lap dance at a strip club. no idea why, i just feel like youre not allowed to buy your own and no one has ever really stepped up for me.
- confession: i have always wanted to visit the truck stop strip clubs that are on the way down to florida. showers, food, truckers, and strippers. i cant think of anything more bloggable than that scene.
- confession: i have seen an infamous atlanta stripper Blondie actually crush MY beer can for me between her tits. most people just kinda know she can do it.
- note to strippers: i know you all work long, hard hours and get paid a lot of dirty cash. but while youre up on stage, DON'T sing along to whatever lame tune is on for you to dance to. major turn-off is that youve been there so long you know strip club lyrics.
- another note to strippers: if you see someone you know from your past while you are dancing, dont get all giddy and pretend like you have emotions. youre on stage to show some purple star, ya know?
- never ever say youd like a bottle of their finest champagne. there is no sex in the champagne room.

a final note: the gold club needs to be re-opened. i was like 3 months too young.


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