Thursday, May 05, 2005

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Top 10 Reasons Star Wars SUCKS!

10. Harrison Ford and George Lucas sodomized each other during most of their time working together. hey these things happen in hollywood... and when you work closely with such a godsend as george lucas, fires you didnt know you had inside start to burn. i just cant figure out which 'harrison ford' lucas loves more: cowboy hat and whip or man-blouse and laser pointer.

9. George Lucas is the touch of death for actors. Mark Hammil has been downgraded from hero of the greatest intergalactic battle to voice over talent for Crash Bandicoot and the PowerPuff Girls. His most notable movie appearance AFTER star wars was the character Cock-Knocker on Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. And this appearance was only due to the fact that kevin smith could get his idol in a flick for a cheap price... recognizing how washed up he is. Jake Lloyd who played little ani has yet to appear in a movie that wasnt released straight to dvd or received over 2 stars.

8. Imagining Mark Hamill posting Carrie Fisher up against the bedpost from behind and whispering into her ear:
Luke: damn baby you have the sweetest, wettest, most banging pus---'
c3po: (from outside intercom) uh...sir....we seem to have a problem.
Luke: ahhh c3po come back in like half an hour!
c3po: uh... sir.... im afraid it cant wait for that. you see, princess your sister.
Luke: but i was just about to use the force!

7. Spaceballs captured more laughs and entertainment in its 96 minute run time than the entire 20 hour waste of time and millions of spacebucks spent on the Star Wars series. with classic lines like 'Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry.... Lone Star!' and 'May the Schwartz be with you', this movie makes my classics list, not the star wars.

6. Do 8 year old boys take showers with George Lucas at the Skywalker Ranch too? or is that strictly an MJ Neverland thing.

5. This was just too weird to pass up.

4. Normal people fantasize about teri hatcher, kim basinger, cindy crawford (whatever happened to her?), tiffani amber-thiessen. star wars fanatics fantasize about how they would replace a 400 pound blob of shit and chain carrie fisher up to their racecar bunkbeds.

3. JarJar Binks is definitely the most unpopular digitzed character of all times. more than barney. more than chimpokomon. more than popples. really really bad.

2. Another Death Star?! are you fucking joking? please write in something a little more controversial and creative than a bigger replica of the same ship.

and the number one reason STAR WARS SUCKS?....
1. The FreakFest fanbase surrounding the whole star wars phenomenon. The people who will surf across this page and hopefully trash the shit out of me for mocking their silly life choices. Star Wars obsessed people....hear me! WAKE UP. ITS A MONEY MAKING SCHEME. george lucas doesnt give a fuck about you, why do you give such a fuck about him?

guys, quit playing with your swords and use your dicks for christs sake!

this post is a joke
ADDED ON 5/18/05
QUIT GOOGLING STAR WARS SUCKS! you fucking dorks. star wars 'day of the show' pics are coming soon.


At 5/05/2005 1:56 PM, Anonymous RealUltimateStarWarsFan said...

I just want to say that you lost a loyal reader due to this post. Your Atlanta comments are great, the fact that you are a pathetic stoner amuses me, your antics astound me, but you have to be a straight nutter to go bashing on Star Wars. I hope you know that you have angered the Force, and with that will come your demise at the hands of my cohorts. Keep your eyes peeled, we are coming for your stoner ass! I know where you live.

At 5/05/2005 3:24 PM, Anonymous TheDarkSide666 said...

Let me start by saying that I really hope this was a joke. If even a single bit of this were true I would still be inclined to kill you. That none of it, in fact, is true will require me to torture you extensively first as well.

Hans Solo and Luke sodomizing each other? Maybe in your closet homosexual, drug induced fantasy. And Spaceballs? Only a complete moron would find that movie humorous, and Star Wars fans everywhere know that it never would have even been made had we united in sufficient numbers to protest during its production. Plus, what the fuck do you know about movies? Judging by your previous movie related posts it is clear to all that you have zero taste when it comes to movies. You probably think Independence Day is a quality flick.

Ok, so back to the torture. I think the best part will be the painfully ironic moment when I beat you over the head with my authentic Darth Vader helmet used during the actual filming of Star Wars (bought on ebay for $3,500!!!). Man that is gonna be sweet. Even your goldie locks won't protect you from my repeated blows of retribution.

Anyway, I'll let you continue to stew in your own jaded existence a while longer until your day of judgement comes. For now I'm gonna go back to my collection of digitally modified Pricess Leah porn. I know it's not real, but it's the best that can be found since the real Leah would never pose due to contractual restrictions imposed on her. Damn the man!!!

At 5/05/2005 3:33 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

to the real ultimate star wars fan. keep reading it only gets crazier from here.

to the darkside666, first off the number has been proven to be 616. secondly, george lucas banged han solo, not mark hammil. turns out that little cock knocker is straight. third, my movie taste is impeccable. and 4th, you got fucking ripped off on that helmet bro. a $3500 donation to george lucas seems ludacris.

At 5/05/2005 3:46 PM, Anonymous RealUltimateBlogger said...

Vicklanta, keep reading what? What's so crazy? Your pathetic comeback at my brother in arms the darkside? I agree with the darkside that you need to be hit with a helmet, but Im going to slap you across the forehead with my pink helmet if i ever see your ix in public. To darkside, dude where did you pick up a deal like that for the helmet, nice work. Best I have found is the official cod piece chewbakah wears in return of the jedi. Thing smells worse than my dogs pink taco though.

At 5/05/2005 4:00 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

hello ultimate.
why did you have your nose lodged in your dogs pink taco in the first place?

thats worse than eating pieces of shit for breakfast.

on a side note my dogs pink taco smells like strawberry shortcake.

i am immune to fake light sabers; your scare tactics do nothing but further prove my #1 reason to hate you.

At 5/05/2005 4:24 PM, Blogger cmdrslappy said...


note: i'm NOT saying that i agree or disagree with your star wars musings... i'm just sayin', this shit is wicked funny.

At 5/05/2005 6:02 PM, Blogger Wintermute said...


you are already getting ripped to shreds, so i'll spare repeating what are already entertaining posts. you post is a joke and you are a joke for taking the greatest movie franchise ever made. yes, the greatest. better than the godfather.

however, props to you for stirring some debate and actually posting something provocative.

At 5/05/2005 10:05 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

better than the godfather!? blasphemous.

At 5/05/2005 11:00 PM, Blogger Kenny said...

don't dash on this dude shoobie for speaking the truth. at least his name is a combination of his name and doobie, and not a cheap rip-off of a gibson novel character... just wait till june5, bro.

At 5/13/2005 8:31 AM, Blogger rusty said...

The response comments are the funniest I've read in a long time. To the Trekk... err, whatever you call yourselves, try watching Akira Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress. That's where the plot for the original Star Wars came from.


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