Tuesday, October 11, 2005

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Why Are All Movie Theater Employees Retards?

As i stood in line waiting for one $4 soda at the movie theater, i could not help but notice how fucking retarded everyone at the movies acts. i mean, i can only think of one positive interaction with a movie theater staff.... and that was in LA, at this badass theater, where they had assigned seat reservations programmed into a chart when you purchased your tickets. they also had an usher bring you to your very plush seats, which were obviously guaranteed for your party size.

that means that every single other ixperience i have ever had at a movie theater has been a negative one. i am sure some of you feel the same way.... now i know the word retard might be sensitive to some pc people out there. but you know just as well as i do that, literally, all movie theaters hire retards to take your ticket stubs. honestly, this doesnt bother me one bit... make them think they have an acceptable job and that they can serve some value to the community... i'm all for it. in terms of job duties vs. pay wages, i bet they are the most normal ratio there is.

now lets talk about all the other employees in a movie theater. this is a typical layout of any theater lobby, i have decided to mock up Regal 24 Theaters setup.


Section 1 - The video game section. No retards actually work here, but if you are still playing the video games at the movies for like a dollar a pop, then you are officially a retard yourself.
Section 2 - Bathrooms at movies are just disgusting in general, probably due to customers pissing out half a gallon halfway through the best part of the plot twist.
Section 3 - These are new additions in the past 3 years... ticket machines that take credit card. of course the people who usually operate these machines are idiots who do not understand what a touch-screen is and definitely can never read instructions. i like to play a game where one person stands in that line, the other in the human line, and see who is faster: the retard whose sole job it is to sell tickets, or the machine that deals with retards pushing its buttons.
Section 4 - previously discussed 'front line' of retardation, the ticket sellers. i will give them credit for being able to do complex calculations with the assistance of a cash register.
Section 5 - The actual retards who take your tickets and tell you to enjjy da muvh. (enjoy the movie)
Section 6 - my pet peeve, the concession stand at a movie theater.

now i dont want to get off on a rant here, but the concession stands at the movies need a serious overhaul. the other day i went to see Two For the Money (mids-- 2.5 stars, netflixable). my crew is consistently right on time for any movie. i mean we have never ever missed a movie and we usually skip every commercial and most coming previews. we just have a knack for packing the bowl twice and speeding to the movies to arrive at the best possible moment for most high viewing without seeing crappy infomercials. seriously, we take pride.

anyway, so we get there and i feel like we're late so me and yan head to the seats. we went to n. dekalb mall, basically because we knew that it wouldnt be nearly as full due to the fact that black people and white people just dont see the same flicks. of course we were about 5 minutes early so i go out to grab a drink for cotton mouth. ok, so i am 2nd in line (miracle) and the guy to my right is doing the oldest movie theater sketch comedy ever: 'damn, popcorn costs 4-fitty? how much does that orange drink cost? daaaamn. take it off, take that off, put that on, and take that off. alright now how much do i owe you?' i mean come on bro, that comedy routine is soo fucking stale. also, youre taking 20 minutes to get your order in... what fucking movie are you seeing and how do you have so much time to waste? it was in this time that i realized the concession stands are the worst fucking bottle neck in any business model and that the people behind the counter are absolutely the most braindead, sloth, retarded people on earth.

so lets discuss how a typical concession stand runs.... you can tell i got crafty with visio today.


ok so in this example, there are 6 cash registers... of course half of them work and there's maybe enough people to take orders (baby blue). but the people taking orders are not just taking orders, they are also taking cash, grabbing candy, grabbing popcorn, and grabbing their own drinks. these people move incredibly slow. i mean why is that? why do movie theater workers move slower around a 4x4 foot space than any other humans on earth? next... the green dots. these people, i can only guess, are in charge of making sure that popcorn does in fact pop and that ice cubes do in fact freeze before they are poured into a $4 cup to be served. they dont help any of the cashiers, but they do take up a lot of space doing nothing. then you have the people in the back, with the button downs and the 'hi my name is manager' tags. now a normal manager is in charge of overseeing all other responsibilities of the employees, but since the workers are slothy and the popcorn people are idiots, the managers only decide to interact if someone is really fucking something up bad. do you know how much effort it takes for the manager to help smooth out the process? i dont either, because they never actually do.

now lets take a look at how an efficient concession stand could potentially run if these people just sat down and talked it over, or maybe went to one managerial class, or maybe noticed how mcdonalds does things in warp speed compared to the movies. diagram b:


Improvement #1 - The CASHIER people- get this- just take orders and cash! oh my god, this is one of the innovative changes we've finally been looking to make! we just couldnt come up with it ourselves. yes thats right, the people in charge of taking orders should just do ONE thing: TAKE ORDERS. no need to scoop the popcorn. no need to grab the key from the manager to get to the candy. just take orders, and take money.

Improvement #2 - The green dots can become RUNNERS, and not just useless braindead space fillers that throw seeds into the popper. the duties of a runner are to check the orders being taken by the CASHIER and then running to go get them. or jogging. or quickly walking. but definitely not crawling, or moping, or whatever the fuck it is youre doing now. make sure each order is right, and then pass off the items to the customer. if the line gets longer, the cashier can maybe grab drinks, but leave all the tough running to the runner.

Improvement #3 - The red dots, the MANAGERS, can do this crazy thing called managing. this could include any of the first 2 improvements plus extra responsibilities, like making sure someone stocks the candy, popcorn seeds, boxes, CO2 things, whatever it takes to actually manage a biz. this does not include ever being a bitch or an asshole to the employees and treating them like retards, when the whole stem of the retard issue comes from the fact that youre a MOVIE THEATER MANAGER! you fucking retard. instead of talking to each other about how bad the staff is, why dont they try and help out the runners and maybe even taking a few orders now and again. honestly, if they just delegated the responsibility to more employees, their only job duty would be to tell everyone to hurry the fuck up all day long.

Improvement #4 - HURRY THE FUCK UP ALL DAY LONG. i cant stress this enough. why do movie theater employees move slower than molasses in antarctica? this is definitely a question that can only be answered by Mr. Owl and God him/herself.

If anyone has any other addendums, you know what to do. If anyone worked in a movie theater, sorry for being the one to inform you of your dysfunctions. and if anyone agrees with me, can i get an amen up in this mother fucker? that is all.

12 Comments:

At 10/11/2005 6:43 PM, Blogger cantseefade said...

Out of your 8 hours or so at work, how much actual work gets done? The diagrams are classic. One good thing about the automatic ticket machines, you can always just buy the student/senior ticket. Any way to stick it to the man I say.

 
At 10/12/2005 4:58 PM, Anonymous tronrod said...

amen up in this motherfucker

 
At 10/13/2005 7:15 AM, Blogger Wintermute said...

i worked in a movie theater for five years. i always wondered why so many of the customers were stoners who came to the counter for munchies, couldn't count their change, and talked through the movie.

i know that wouldn't be you, though, shit teeth.

 
At 10/13/2005 8:53 AM, Blogger shoobie said...

if you worked in a movie theater for 5 years, then you are the damn dumbest smart indian i know.

you probably worked security detail so you could try and mack on the little 16 year old girls sneaking into the R rated movie.

if munchies were real, i would import candy in one of the 18 pockets in my cargos.

and finally, winter, you know that this breakdown is legit. seriously, what job did you have? and did you notice any chronic behavioral patterns of retardation while you were there?

 
At 11/13/2006 3:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are such a jerk! what right do you have to say that movie theater employees are retards! We are the one's that have to deal with all the stupid customers and them taking forever with their orders and always changing what they want and taking forever to decide. We are just working and trying to make money. You are the one who is the retard.

 
At 11/18/2006 4:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think you have any idea what you're talking about. I work at a movietheater and am a supervisor. You take movietheater employees for granted. You compared the theater to a McDonalds. I work at a 24 theater megaplex and we average about 8500 people on a weekend day. McDonalds, they might be lucky if they hit that in a month. We have to deal with stupid, retarded customers who don't know which way is right or left and don't know how to read movie titles or count money. We have to clean up all of your crap that you leave in the theaters and sweep up your mess! And to make it worse, we get slapped with minimum wage. I think the least you can do is say thank you! I wonder what you do for a living, professional garbage engineer?

 
At 11/20/2006 9:45 AM, Blogger shoobie said...

yes you got it, i am a professional garbage engineer. a retarted one at that.

movie theater employees, regardless of my opinion, you know that you all are the slowest mother fuckers on the planet and that all concession stands are operated by idiots. why does it take so long to get drinks and popcorn? you still cant answer that.

 
At 1/25/2007 3:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, many movie theatre employees would say the people that go to movies are retarded themselves half the time.

People just stand in line forever looking at the marquee and then ask what movies are playing and what time.

People decide to buy 2 mediums rather than 1 large. Why you wanna get less for 4 dollars more?

People ask for tickets without asking for a movie. 2 Seniors please!!!

Put up with that crap for a year and see who the real morons are.

--Michael

 
At 1/25/2007 3:55 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

Michael,
I am sorry you feel this way. I would just like to point out a couple of things that support my amazing argument.

1) you live in valdosta, ga, which means 75% of the people coming to your theater are also retards. These retards dont notice the things that intelligent mother fuckers like myself pick up on.

2) I agree that there are idiots in the world who dont understand: how to read a movie marquee, basic economic principles like buying in bulk, or any other wiseass retorts you movie theater employees are coming up with.

My question still remains: Why is there an inordinately larger percentage of employees at movie theaters who are retarted than any other type of B2C business?

Lastly, do you not see at least some benefit to the shit that speweth from my mouth? i mean it would be extremely easy for concession stands to use the fast food/assembly line style of serving customers... why all movie theaters continue to operate so inefficiently at the concession stand is an enigma. thanks for reading.

 
At 4/28/2007 2:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can understand your frustration. I can understand your anger. However, not all theatres are the same, obviously. I work in a theatre, as a box office cashier, and I like to believe that I do a good job. Although I am keenly aware that there is always room for improvement. I have to admit I have never worked at our snack bar, even though I'm the one who cleans it every night, and I like to believe that I do a decent job at that, considering I'm cleaning up after the Night and Morning shift of "retards" and all the hundreds of customers that plow through there spilling stuff. I do not complain however, because that is my job and I am being paid for it, even though it is only minimum wage.
At our theatre consessionaires are in charge of taking orders, filling orders, cleaning between orders, restocking, taking money, popping popcorn (which is the devils own creation I swear), and fixing mechanical errors in cash registers and various food preparation machines such as the popper, the ice maker, butter machines, icee maker, soda dispenser, nacho wrmer, cheese machines, hot dog maker, bun warmer, pretzle warmer, cooler, freezer, condiment containers, recipt printers, credit card machines and light fixtures. Somehow they are expected to do all of this in 5 seconds or less, while knowing what movie you plan to see and what time it starts, work ALL of the machines at once and keep a smile on their face while the ever growing line stretches out the door. I understand that it is their job to do such, and they understanad that as well, however the expectations that are pressed upon them are impossible to meet. Even during a night that is going quick and smooth there is always that one customer who stands in line for 3 minutes and still doesn't know what he or she wants, or the customer who orders everything adding up to $100+ and after all said food is assembled realizes they don't have the money, or even the customer who is TOLD how much it will be BEFORE the employee runs around assembling the order and still doesn't get their money ready till the food is smack in front of them. Customers are a big part of line hold ups also, and where in customer service "the customer is always right and the customer is never wrong." a blind eye is ofter turned towards the people who help cause the line to drag. You put in the man who performed the 2 minute diatribe over prices. It is their fault too, it would be polite not to forget that, although "it is never the customers fault."
The theatre where I work may be an exception, however, I can not honestly believe that all theatres have employed "retards" who do nothing but pick their butts all day. Save some room fro those theatres that don't, and save some compassion for the employees who have to deal with angry people all day, in a cramped, sweltering, popcorn and soda encrusted consession area. You may have bad and awful things to say now, but put yourself in their shoes for a spell, and think of how you'd feel in the same situation. They do their best, and if they are not doing their best. TELL A MANAGER! That is what they are there for, tell them and they will flog the floor staff at the next employee meeting.
Nothing can ruin a good day of working more that the customer who swears and rant in my face saying how incompetant I am at my job, when I am doing the absolute best I can. It may be just a movie to you. But to me and my coworkers it's our job, and we can only do the best we can.

 
At 6/13/2007 1:43 AM, Blogger Greg said...

I don't know what piece of shit movie theaters you guys go too, but my cities theater, is EXTREMELY clean, fast, and is not run by retards.

The bathroom is cleaned every half hour, there are NO broken registers, and the employees DO move fast.

And as an employee of that theater, I take pride in it and it's employees, so I'm not going to tell you to go fuck yourself, but to just FIND ANOTHER THEATER!!!!

 
At 11/15/2012 11:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've worked in a movie theater for a year. And it's spelled experience. *cough*

 

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