Why Are All Movie Theater Employees Retards?
As i stood in line waiting for one $4 soda at the movie theater, i could not help but notice how fucking retarded everyone at the movies acts. i mean, i can only think of one positive interaction with a movie theater staff.... and that was in LA, at this badass theater, where they had assigned seat reservations programmed into a chart when you purchased your tickets. they also had an usher bring you to your very plush seats, which were obviously guaranteed for your party size.
that means that every single other ixperience i have ever had at a movie theater has been a negative one. i am sure some of you feel the same way.... now i know the word retard might be sensitive to some pc people out there. but you know just as well as i do that, literally, all movie theaters hire retards to take your ticket stubs. honestly, this doesnt bother me one bit... make them think they have an acceptable job and that they can serve some value to the community... i'm all for it. in terms of job duties vs. pay wages, i bet they are the most normal ratio there is.
now lets talk about all the other employees in a movie theater. this is a typical layout of any theater lobby, i have decided to mock up Regal 24 Theaters setup.
Section 1 - The video game section. No retards actually work here, but if you are still playing the video games at the movies for like a dollar a pop, then you are officially a retard yourself.
Section 2 - Bathrooms at movies are just disgusting in general, probably due to customers pissing out half a gallon halfway through the best part of the plot twist.
Section 3 - These are new additions in the past 3 years... ticket machines that take credit card. of course the people who usually operate these machines are idiots who do not understand what a touch-screen is and definitely can never read instructions. i like to play a game where one person stands in that line, the other in the human line, and see who is faster: the retard whose sole job it is to sell tickets, or the machine that deals with retards pushing its buttons.
Section 4 - previously discussed 'front line' of retardation, the ticket sellers. i will give them credit for being able to do complex calculations with the assistance of a cash register.
Section 5 - The actual retards who take your tickets and tell you to enjjy da muvh. (enjoy the movie)
Section 6 - my pet peeve, the concession stand at a movie theater.
now i dont want to get off on a rant here, but the concession stands at the movies need a serious overhaul. the other day i went to see Two For the Money (mids-- 2.5 stars, netflixable). my crew is consistently right on time for any movie. i mean we have never ever missed a movie and we usually skip every commercial and most coming previews. we just have a knack for packing the bowl twice and speeding to the movies to arrive at the best possible moment for most high viewing without seeing crappy infomercials. seriously, we take pride.
anyway, so we get there and i feel like we're late so me and yan head to the seats. we went to n. dekalb mall, basically because we knew that it wouldnt be nearly as full due to the fact that black people and white people just dont see the same flicks. of course we were about 5 minutes early so i go out to grab a drink for cotton mouth. ok, so i am 2nd in line (miracle) and the guy to my right is doing the oldest movie theater sketch comedy ever: 'damn, popcorn costs 4-fitty? how much does that orange drink cost? daaaamn. take it off, take that off, put that on, and take that off. alright now how much do i owe you?' i mean come on bro, that comedy routine is soo fucking stale. also, youre taking 20 minutes to get your order in... what fucking movie are you seeing and how do you have so much time to waste? it was in this time that i realized the concession stands are the worst fucking bottle neck in any business model and that the people behind the counter are absolutely the most braindead, sloth, retarded people on earth.
so lets discuss how a typical concession stand runs.... you can tell i got crafty with visio today.
ok so in this example, there are 6 cash registers... of course half of them work and there's maybe enough people to take orders (baby blue). but the people taking orders are not just taking orders, they are also taking cash, grabbing candy, grabbing popcorn, and grabbing their own drinks. these people move incredibly slow. i mean why is that? why do movie theater workers move slower around a 4x4 foot space than any other humans on earth? next... the green dots. these people, i can only guess, are in charge of making sure that popcorn does in fact pop and that ice cubes do in fact freeze before they are poured into a $4 cup to be served. they dont help any of the cashiers, but they do take up a lot of space doing nothing. then you have the people in the back, with the button downs and the 'hi my name is manager' tags. now a normal manager is in charge of overseeing all other responsibilities of the employees, but since the workers are slothy and the popcorn people are idiots, the managers only decide to interact if someone is really fucking something up bad. do you know how much effort it takes for the manager to help smooth out the process? i dont either, because they never actually do.
now lets take a look at how an efficient concession stand could potentially run if these people just sat down and talked it over, or maybe went to one managerial class, or maybe noticed how mcdonalds does things in warp speed compared to the movies. diagram b:
Improvement #1 - The CASHIER people- get this- just take orders and cash! oh my god, this is one of the innovative changes we've finally been looking to make! we just couldnt come up with it ourselves. yes thats right, the people in charge of taking orders should just do ONE thing: TAKE ORDERS. no need to scoop the popcorn. no need to grab the key from the manager to get to the candy. just take orders, and take money.
Improvement #2 - The green dots can become RUNNERS, and not just useless braindead space fillers that throw seeds into the popper. the duties of a runner are to check the orders being taken by the CASHIER and then running to go get them. or jogging. or quickly walking. but definitely not crawling, or moping, or whatever the fuck it is youre doing now. make sure each order is right, and then pass off the items to the customer. if the line gets longer, the cashier can maybe grab drinks, but leave all the tough running to the runner.
Improvement #3 - The red dots, the MANAGERS, can do this crazy thing called managing. this could include any of the first 2 improvements plus extra responsibilities, like making sure someone stocks the candy, popcorn seeds, boxes, CO2 things, whatever it takes to actually manage a biz. this does not include ever being a bitch or an asshole to the employees and treating them like retards, when the whole stem of the retard issue comes from the fact that youre a MOVIE THEATER MANAGER! you fucking retard. instead of talking to each other about how bad the staff is, why dont they try and help out the runners and maybe even taking a few orders now and again. honestly, if they just delegated the responsibility to more employees, their only job duty would be to tell everyone to hurry the fuck up all day long.
Improvement #4 - HURRY THE FUCK UP ALL DAY LONG. i cant stress this enough. why do movie theater employees move slower than molasses in antarctica? this is definitely a question that can only be answered by Mr. Owl and God him/herself.
If anyone has any other addendums, you know what to do. If anyone worked in a movie theater, sorry for being the one to inform you of your dysfunctions. and if anyone agrees with me, can i get an amen up in this mother fucker? that is all.