Friday, July 08, 2005

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Non-Payday Fridays Suck

This week was another bust; the good news is the ba is changing her hours from 9-5ish to 7-3ish. blogs in the afternoon seem most likely, if I have any brain power left at that point. like today. today has been a pretty crazy day and its only 2 pm. i was supposed to have an 11 meeting, but the construction workers outside my office cut the power to a bunch of buildings over here. for those of you who know where I work, you know this is probably not a very good thing. for those of you who don’t, think outbreak. then think quarantine. then think a bunch of chickens (security) running around with their heads cut off (no power) making sure it wasn’t terrorist related so people could leave. for chili’s. the mecca of all government food chain restaurants.

So here is what has been stocking up in my text message bin to myself over the last few days.
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**Spoiler: I am about to admit my most embarrassing job ever.**
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Back in high school in the ville, I worked at a fucking dairy queen for about 2 years. i was so young that everyone was carrying around pagers. 426-2969 911 143 30035. that used to be code for “call shoobie immediately, I love your boobs”. i used to wear a visor just so the ridiculous mop would pop out the top and people would wonder about the cleanliness of their cookie dough blizzards with extra cookie dough. my boss was a white woman with a gambling problem. her bookie would come into the DQ and theyd sit in the back and drink coffee and circle games and place bets. who knows how many little kids ice cream money got 8-1 on KC -7.5 over OAK. anyway, the point of all this background was to tell you that the boss was in fact white. also, people who worked at my Kroger bagging shit and stocking shelves could have easily gone to Berkeley once they graduated. in ATL, every mother fucking DQ owner, worker, financier, is Indian. all the Desi’s own a monopoly on hot eats and cool treats in Georgia. find me a DQ with no Indians and I’ll find you a bank with no jews. of course this hypothesis was proved after witnessing the 2 indian dudes speak ‘bee’ on the new DQ commercial. i called a few months ago that I would buy stock in Indian comedy (after checking, i realized it was a year ago to the day! spooky!)…i can now funnel said funds into DQ stock knowing it is in good hands.

Why are bandanas cool for girls and black guys to wear, but not cool for white guys? now I know that usually I am the one bitching about fashion things that need to disappear, but I am willing to always hear arguments about trends that need to be reborn. or revamped. either way, it has to look cool to be approved. now most guys cannot rock any form of hair garnishing… I get it, you like it short so you don’t have to do shit with it. but for jewfro mufuckas like me, we need things like headbands to properly get it out of our eyes but fashionably pinned upwards. i own about 8 forms of head gear, everything from the dewrags to the ATL Hawks ‘Restart’ campaign season headband. in high school mark apple and I used to rock the workout band just to be different, but I seriously think Mark from Road Rules Season 1 was onto something.

Remember back in the day when you would go to your city fairgrounds and there would be some kind of small carnival going on? you'd eat your popcorn and your funnel cake and go on the semi-cool rides. not six flags cool, but not ghetto either. well in Atlanta, with such a spread out population, there really isn’t an area where a carnival could be hosted. we don’t exactly have a Georgia Fair here, mainly due to the fact that ATL is not bumpkinville, ga. but what we do have, is Carnievals. Notice the difference in spelling and pronunciation. Carnivals (car-nuh-vulz) are the safe, fun, monitored rides at a public location. Carnievals (car-nee-vulz) are those little schwag rides that decide to roll into town like a band of gypsies and set up shop in an alley or parking lot full of crackheads and hypodermic needles. Like the one that sometimes shows up off the 85 south exit before turner field. Or the one that sets up in the middle of north dekalb mall parking lot. I know you’ve seen the carnievals, and I assume that since you are still reading this you did not attend one. But if you do, make sure to bring a strap or a blade in case you get taken for 100 large at the carnie gypsy games.

Porn stars. everyone loves em. the other day me and my bud dave were sitting on his couch when we started talking about porn. i was going to blog “Top 10 Porn Star Moves” but I could only think of a few and most of those were too dirty for the nc-17 rating I try to uphold. but we did think of some… basically trying to come up with things you only see on porn, things girls in real life would never do. (PS—I would love some input on this if youre bored) here are a few:
- Girls in porns who are giving blowjobs start off by hocking a giant wad of spit on the guys dick before they start blowing him full on. i assume this reduces friction and is the lazy porn stars solution for lube, but I have never in my life been in a situation where the girl felt it was time to spit on my inches before she went down on me.
- I know all men like to try some crazy ass positions. but when do you ever say to your lady “hey, instead of 69ing on the couch/bed, why don’t I lift you up and turn you upside down to go down on you while you go down on me?”
- DVDA. now some of you good little boys and girls may not get into this naughty hardcore porn, hell I didn’t know what that shit meant until about 2 weeks ago. sounds like a new digital technology to watch Shrek 2 in. double vaginal, double anal, people. that’s 4 total, 2 in each lower orifice, all at the same time.
- Last but not least, the butty. i think it is so fucking hilarious that when a dude is eating out a porn star, he will start to throw his fingers in other places while he’s downtown. for the camera, he will hook his fingers in her ass back towards her vaj, exposing a large amount of pink insides to the audience. He will then wiggle fingers back and forth to make the pink talk like a little pussy puppet back at the camera. (over the line?—hey it happens in real porn life all the time!)

That’s about all I have for today. i am going to the braves game tonight. i wish I had gone to the sweep of the cubs. Braves are on a tear, but lets be honest… i cant wait for some fucking football! Jonny mcpot is out of town all weekend, so if any of you ladies want to take a ride on the ixxperience you know how to get in touch. or if you just want to smoke my herbs. or play video games on the HDtv, if youre an xbox kinda girl. finally, make sure you get your 99x freeloader card ready and printed for Saturdays cake show. Have a great fuckin weekend.

4 Comments:

At 7/12/2005 11:39 AM, Blogger cmdrslappy said...

dude, porn is soooo weird. i mean, i have totally done "it" with, like, a million people, and never does half that shit occur.

did i ever tell you about how i've come to associate the word "presenting..." with that thing that happens in porn where the dude, like, spreads out the labia all nice and wide and says something like "yeah, show me that poossie" and the camera zooms in all close or some shit. totally barfworthy. PRESENTING... THIS VAGINA. i bet it looks a lot like all the other ones

 
At 7/12/2005 12:50 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

kinda like on south park when mrs. chokesondick called cartmans bluff and was like "present them..." re: his fat hairy balls.

but ya zoomed pink shots are clutch in porn.

thank you mander for at least spreading your vast knowledge on this subject. the other porno people who read this blog remain silent.

 
At 7/12/2005 12:54 PM, Blogger jsk323 said...

Dairy Queen is you're worst job ever Shoobie? If only...how about the summer you spent as a fluffer out in the San Fernando Valley working up Peter North for some hardcore 3-way action? Haha...probably explains where you accumulated your vast amount of porno knowledge.

By the way, the man of the house is coming home tonight. How was your Halo binge...any sexy parties?

 
At 7/12/2005 12:59 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

jonny mcfucks, thanks for checkin in. your HDtv bulb burned out due to epileptic intervention by said xbox.

in other news i was quite excited this week. halo 2 released 5 new maps and i chucked 11.95 into the mix to download them. theyre awesome and i cant wait to play video games on your tube again.

who is peter north? wouldnt a more appropriate reference for an 'amateur porn watcher' such as yourself have been ron jeremy? to know north's name means youve been lookin at his rod, you sick fuck(s).

 

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