Spring Fashion 201

As usual, monday it was torrential downpour and hailstorm here in the atl. 24 hours later, its 70 and sunny- last night, at neighbors trivia, i had on shorts and sandals in february!!

Quick non-sequitor: According to the Guiness book of records, after this season of the simpsons they will surpass which cartoon series as having the most unique episodes for a show (not counting reruns)?
A. Flinstones B. Scooby Doo C. Smurfs D. Tom and Jerry
If you are in second place and have to risk it all.... chances are your guess should be B and not D.

So last night at yuppy central, there were a plethora of ladies donning their latest 'picks' from old navy and UO. now despite me being a non-metro, heterosexual male, i feel like i have a fairly balanced sense of what guys do and do not want to see out and about this spring. it is with this in mind that we delve into the '2005 Spring Fashion Must-Have Items' list-- and tear it apart.

Before we get into the list, lets make sure there is a CRYSTAL CLEAR understanding regarding these comments. i love spring time more than any other season. girls come out of the woodwork during these months. jean skirts (knee or above) are hot no matter what. pretty much all skirts are hot no matter what, although i have found a few exceptions. jeans and a tanktop is always hot. a girl who can rock the beater gets a point on the hot scale. toe rings are extremely sexy. anything i say in this column is easily subject to change if it works for a girl in particular. but in general, here is the shit guys just do not want to see this spring or any other spring:


Old Navy must be stopped. their message is completely wrong. capris pants, no matter which way you slice it, are NOT CUTE. i know your girlfriends all like them. i know your guy friend tells you 'hey that looks fine'. but guys DO NOT think capris pants are hot. like, not ever. not even right now. never.


See, this is taking it even a step further. Lace up sandals are not hot. Capris pants are not hot. These two together make guys fucking puke.


OK, so i know that this type of top might work for some girls... but the polka dot pattern resembles that of Mrs. Smith, my 4th grade librarian. All in all, this top reminds me of a moomoo without sleeves.


Yes, this slinky little dress looks hot....on first impression. But! over-accesorizing a dress with a giant weightlifting belt and a noose for a collar is hideous.


i dont know where isaac mizrahi dug this idea out of, but please please dont wear the 70s flight attendant skirt and pass it off for hip.


Georgia O'Keefe called, she wants her painting smock back.


hippie chicks, you know i have nothing but love for you. but come on, these tops are too cheesy, you wont stand out, and they just look so bleh.


according to my inside source, these bad boys are called cork wedges. lets just call them what they really are.... busted.


so like i said before, i love skirts. i mean, whats not to love. i guess that question can be answered by colors like this... metallic pink? come on.


apparently this is like the hot item to own. tiered skirts. please just avoid this style at all costs.


had to throw in this little guy. if youre going to wear 'sporty' stuff lets try to make it look sexy even when you sweat.... puma body suits. negatory.


just to reiterate. this is the MOST HIDEOUS fashion item out there today. ponchos should be worn in the rain or sold at baseball games for a dollar. to pay $100 for something no guy wants to ever see is just ridiculous.