Thursday, December 22, 2005

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Merry Christmas!

Why must people around the country assume that if they are out busy shopping for expensive electronics, stocking stuffers, weird red/green yarn lampshade combos, ugly poinsettia-pattern throw pillows, buddy jesus dolls, and any other weird goysha things you christians have, that everyone on this green earth is also a christian? i mean it boggles the mind how many people have told me merry christmas, or in passing asked me 'are you ready for christmas?', or any other variation on this topic. companies host christmas parties. people bring in christmas cupcakes. the door to my office was decorated in christmas mock carols and snowflake cutouts with fucking ugly red/green christmas colored lights. some of you are so blind to your own cliches that you don your roofs and trees and gutters and doors and windows and lawn decorations with the tackiest fucking shit-- so tacky that jesus himself would wonder what the fuck you were thinking, all he wanted for his birthday was peace on earth and a good hummer from that little whore mary down the street.

i am not trying to be a grinch here. decorations that look nice and trim and pretty are in fact cool to look at. holidays are wonderful, and a great time to give sensible gifts to people you give a fuck about. i just dont understand how people can live in a country where white people are about to be the minority and still think that christianity touches everyone you interact with. i mean i have a fucking jewfro and am consistently absent for jewish holidays every year... how hard is it to understand to just tell me and everyone else happy holidays. thanksgiving, christmas, new years. they are all crammed into a short timeframe, and they are all national holidays, so why cant you just say that shit, biatch?

ahh ok moving on, i am going to parlay all my chanukah gifts into one giant best buy spree. i love how now instead of getting 8 gifts i just get one big fat one from everyone, and they actually ask what you want every year. BEST BUY GIFT CERTIFICATES, por favor. always something dank to buy at best buy. if the XBOX 360 were ever in stock anywhere in this country, i would jump on that faster than a gold digger on kobe's dong. i have also toyed with the idea of getting a little 36 incher HDtv for my lair.

today i go in for the drug test. i won't lie and tell you i havent smoked since december 5... last friday i smelled this amazing funky bud and i knew that i had to get ripped. but it has basically been 3 weeks without. the process for cleansing yourself is as follows: go to galaxy head shop, purchase vale drink, drink 8 servings of water a day leading up to the test. on the day of the test eat something small a few hours before you drink the vales, drink at least 2-3 servings of water in the morning, drink the vales about 3 hours before you are going to take the test, fill the vales bottle up with water and drink that over the next 30 minutes, piss 3 times, go take the test. its that simple. so tonight, my friends, i cant say i wont be ridiculously fucked up and munching on ritz crackers and not remembering my dreams the next day.

i have officially decided my plans for CHRISTMAS break and new years. I am driving home Friday-Tuesday to the ville. during this trip i will drink cheap whiskey, see the fam, get said money for danktronics, maybe go on a date, hit up the casino, and any other shenanigans i can fit into the long weekend. my mother is making brisket and latkes, the two best things of all time that she is sick at cooking. For NYE i will be up in NYC. now i realize that i may not be able to get from airport to apartment we are staying at, apartment to tourist things, apartment to bars, or bars to home, but hopefully that subway thing will be figured out before millions of tourists hit this city up. my buddy DJ skanciel is throwing a baddas vip party at mission off bowery, for those interested. all of the old cheefee ballers will be crawling out of the woodwork to recap a good year and to share baller adventures with each other. some of them might even roll joints up in $100 bills and smoke those, just to prove how truly bally they are. others may rent Hummer H3 limos and ride around town popping moet and shit to outball other ballers. i will just be trying to score some ass.

last but not least, my ipod is fucked. i havent even had it for 6 months. the other day i came back to it and it was off. i figured the battery had run out so when i got home to plug it into the usb port, nothing was showing up. then i plugged it into the wall and it still hasnt turned on. i mean it is just dead. anyone out there heard of this issue? let me know.

oh shit, that was going to be the last thing but i have one more thing. last night i played in a 'friendly' game of poker. 8 people to start. literally for 2 1/2 hours i sat there watching people take each others money and catch awesome cards. i did not win one hand in that time, and i probably played 6 hands in 150 minutes. imagine the boredom. but i knew they would come soon, as cards tend to eventually show up, and so instinctively bought in for another 20 since everyone else was real juiced up. i tripled through, meaning i was up to about 80 bucks. the game was ending and it was getting dangerously close to 2 am, and my buddy bellend was saying he wasnt going to get involved in pots with me, i had obv been playing tight. so on the 2nd to last hand i had hit a belly buster straight flush draw and went all in and even though this kid had a draw he obviously folded for 75 bucks (he had me covered). so on the last hand, i peer down and see AQ offsuit. since i had won the last 2 hands i decided to straddle in my position. everyone was in (down to 6-handed game) and when it got back to me i raised it up 3 bucks. bellend calls and maybe one other caller... so about a $15 pot.

Flop comes: 10 10 J rainbow

i decide that if i wanna see another card, i will have to bet. so i bet $5. bellend calls me and the other kid folds. heads up. $25 pot.

Turn card: K

haha, i am 95% sure bellend doesnt have a full house, so i just say i'm all in thinking he wouldnt possibly call off his money on the last hand of the night. but he calls me after about 3 seconds of thinking. i look at him and say, do you have the boat? he says nope. i say ive got you in the quietest whisper, because i basically just sucked out on him and got my straight with the seemingly harmless K. he turned over 10 3. so he had outs... a 10, three 3's, three K's, three J's. when the river was a blank, i took down the biggest and last pot of the night for about 140. he of course was trying to sucker me in on the flop, but things went south on the turn. here are the odds:

AsQd vs Tc3c
63.3% - 36.6% before the flop
16.1% - 83.9% on the flop
77.3% - 22.7% on the turn

Hope that you all have a wonderful HOLIDAY and a happy new year. i am off to drink my vales!


At 12/22/2005 5:12 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

this is an after-thought to taking said vales:

is it bad that i have been pissing out of my ass for 5 hours now? sorry, TMI. but seriously, this shit is fucking with my digestive tract like woah.

At 12/23/2005 12:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For your ipod problem:

Have you tried rebooting it? Mine(4rth Gen.) did the same thing you described and I rebooted it and it worked.

To reboot:
Hold down 'Menu' and the center button for a few seconds. If you see the Apple logo, you're in luck =)

(try doing this while it's plugged in just to be sure you have power)

If it's broken you still have a few options:

1) A few companies specialize in repairing ipods:

2) put it on ebay (explain that it's broken, of course). People will still buy it and try to fix it.

Good luck!

At 12/23/2005 12:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I forgot to comment on your "Merry Christmas" rant. I saw a thing on CNN about the "Merry Christmas" vs "Happy Holidays" greetings that infuriated me. ( is the related article)

It doesn't make sense that people assume everyone celebrates Christmas. I think the CNN poll stated that 69% of those asked said that stores that say "Happy Holidays" (rather than Merry Christmas) is a turn for the worse. Argh! It doesn't make any sense! Not everyone celebrates Christmas.

(I should say that I do celebrate Christmas and I'm a christian-turned-agnostic)

At 12/23/2005 9:01 AM, Blogger Amber said...

holidays are wonderful, and a great time to give sensible gifts to people you give a fuck about..

Okay, that is going up as the quote of the day on my blog.

Funny, last night I was attempting to describe to the Goddamn Boyfriend what I like about the holidays, and my description was not dissimilar to that quote. I used the word "fuck" several times, anyway.

Heh - the word verification image right now says "suxtom."

At 12/23/2005 11:08 AM, Blogger shoobie said...

you are about 6 hours too late wiht the advice... reboot successful and apparently i am an idiot for not knowing the ipod reset button patterns. thank god! my road trip will be infinitely better. Thanks again.

amber, glad to hear my knowledge bombs are useful. i woulda been more prompt, but i was getting suxtomed porn-star-style by this girl last night.

At 12/26/2005 8:03 PM, Blogger Wintermute said...

yeah dog, finally, someone with the balls to stand up. i'm all for the media attack on christmas. christ, 'attack on christmas?' sounds like something karl rove dreamed up to authorize putting more brown people in indefinite detention.

saying happy holidays does not diminish the value of christmas. it does not demean the significance of the birth of (some people's) god. it just means that there are a plurality of reasons for enjoying some vacation time.

i'm spending the holidays in the heart of jesusland. believe, i know that jesus is the reason for the season.

At 12/26/2005 8:03 PM, Blogger Wintermute said...

by the way, louisville sucks donkey grundel


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