Wednesday, June 09, 2004

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Man's Greatest Mystery

MIKE: How long do I wait to call?
TRENT: A day.
MIKE: Tomorrow?
TRENT: No...
SUE: ...Tomorrow, then a day.
MIKE: So, two days?
TRENT: Yeah. I guess you could call it that.
SUE: Definitely. Two days. That's the industry standard...
TRENT: ... I used to wait two days. Now everyone waits two days. Three days is kinda money now, don't you think?
TRENT: Laugh all you want, but if you call to soon you can scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.
SUE: Don't listen to him. You call whenever it feels right to you.
MIKE: How long are you guys gonna wait to call your honeys?
TRENT & SUE: Six days.
This classic argument between three 20ish "swingers" encapsulates man's greatest mystery... when in the hell are you supposed to call a girl? Whether guys like to admit it or not, we are always worried about what the real answer to the question is. If you call too soon you seem desperate for some action right? If you call too late its as if you werent even interested in the first place. Of course everyone says call when you feel comfortable, but that doesnt work because youre worried about whether that girl has a set "day" amount.

So to solve this shit once and for all, I have devised a calendar that all men (and women) can pay attention to and use to the best of their ability. Just make sure not to leave 5-7 voice mails on the day you're actually calling :)

If you get a girls number on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, you should call on a Thursday to try and carve out some weekend plans for Friday or Saturday.

If you get a girls number on a Thursday, you have to wait until mid-afternoon Saturday to do anything about it.

Here is where it gets a little tricky.... If you get a girls number on Friday night, you have several options.
A) If you were legitimately having good conversation, i.e. not this:
    Guy: Hey whats up girl, god damn you look good in that little skirt byatch
    Girl: What? I cant hear you. What?
    Guy: I said god damn i wanna bend you over this pool table and hate fuck you right now
    Girl: Still cant hear you buddy
    Guy: Can i just buy you a fucking drink and get your number?
    Girl: number is 404-555-1212 and my drink is a banana cognac, byatch.
And you got her number, got her some drinks, maybe even occupied each others time for over half hour, it is safe to say you are allowed to call the next day and see if she is down for doing some shit...i mean if she was interested enough to spend more than the allotted cheesey time you spend that first time, then its all good. Proceed as if its a green light.
B) If it was cool but not a green light kinda cool, you are absolutely not allowed to call back on saturday. You have to try and arrange a sopranos session on sunday or forget about the number until Monday when you can plan for that week.

Finally, if you get a girls number on a Saturday night then....what the fuck are you doing? Saturday nights are not good for getting numbers. First off, you should already be going out with the Wednesday-Friday crew at this point. Secondly, Saturdays cannot be called until Tuesday/Wednesday... thats way over the time and they know you dont have any interest. Just as a general fucking rule, on Saturday nights, you either take them home from the bar/club/whatever or you dont even bother. No need to stress yourself out over what day to call the Saturday chicks.

I hope this clears up any confusion we may have about the opposite sex. One thing that is of the utmost importance in regards to all phone calls. If you say you are going to call, there is no sin greater in a woman's mind than not calling when you said you were. Unless you tried to bring up anal.... thats definitely worse, definitely.



At 6/09/2004 10:42 AM, Blogger jsk323 said...

So funny I shat myself.

So Shoobie, still trying to work up the courage to call the little boy you met the other night at the NAMBLA meeting?


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