Tuesday, March 29, 2005

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In honor of music's ali-like return to atlanta, todays post will be in regards to squatting. now i know some of you are probably thinking... what the fuck do homeless people living in abandoned buildings and live tunes have anything to do with each other? and to that i would say, nothing. because the squatting i am talking about does not involve homeless people at all. in fact, it involves a woman's biggest fear at a concert.

youve all been there before. in the parking lot you drank about 4 glasses of punch, feeling that nice buzz going on. maybe you drank a few tall boys of pbr and lit up a doobie snack. who knows. but your system is flowing with alcohol and feeling pretty warm and fuzzy. you sneak a little flask into the show and get to the perfect spot on the lawn, since thats the only way to roll to spring concerts. the opening band comes on and although youve never heard their shit, they sound ok. but now..... you have to pee. FUCK!

here is where god drew a fine line in the sand.

god said, you know what? later on in history, thousands of years down the road, man and woman will attend social functions together, the functions will be outdoors, and inevitably, both sexes will have to urinate at some point during the night. but then, he played a trick on you women.... he realized you would take waaaay too much fucking time in the bathroom as it is, so he created the port-o-potty.

Ahh of course, the port-o-potty! men dont mind it and women loooathe it. what a perfect way to punish women for their hours of dominating the bathroom over men. hair dryers, leg shaving, primping, just sitting, thinking, whatever the fuck you all do in there, god knew it would lead up to a punishment for your horrible bathroom habits. because, ya see women, when youre at something like a concert and you need to pee so bad and you run into this:

you have to wait in a long line of fruity looking men, get to the potty, find that there is piss and shit and puke all over the seat, pray for TP, and then.... you squat as close to the seat without actually touching and let it ride. men have the unquestionable advantage in this situation. we can choose to wait with the rest of our brethren for the long haul to the port o potty, or we can take matters into our own hands.

there are always little quiet nooks and spots all over the world for men to take a piss without having to wait for any line. a group of bushes, a tree, behind an alley, a dumpster, a trash can, wherever there is a clear 6x6 area so it doesnt splash up or runoff towards your shoes, we can piss on it.

now i will say this.... some women have figured out an amazing feat. they are years beyond their fellow sisters.... evolution is looking kindly upon them. because they have figured out 'hey, its ok for girls to squat.'

one time during fall break, swilliams buddies from CT came down to visit. we went to famous and before we went in, drunk as all hell, the two girls went over to one of those little boxes along the sidewalk that have bushes in them, squatted, and pissed right on the sidewalk in front of everyone (some also managed to get in the box). i had never seen a woman own her femininity like this before.

i have absolutely nothing more to say on this topic. well, when i googled for squatting peeing, i got 'twat squat'.... that was kind of amusing. also, isnt it funny that the reverse of this topic is considered gay/weird/not ordinary.... when guys sit down to pee. ask any guy about peeing sitting down and they will either mention a buddy they know who does it (magruder) or how its very taboo for a guy to do that.

unfortunately there arent any pictures of girls squatting to piss on the internet... i guess i am the only sick fuck who would want a shot of that. for the blog! its for the blog!!



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