Wednesday, April 27, 2005

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ATLien Drivers

so i am what some would call an agressive driver. for example, when a light changes from red to green, i gun the gas and shoot from 0-50 in the fastest time possible. when there is traffic all up and down briarcliff, they are impeding my shit and little blood vessels somewhere in my body pop when this goes down. i occasionally like to play 'racecar' due to the fact that i sometimes cant distinguish between 'video game time' and 'the real thing'. for example, driving from ponce towards decatur/church street nucka, i am actually wario and imma gonna win. (gamers, explain that to the noobs)

the people in this town drive like complete fucking idiots. i am officially on tilt when i am in the car because of all the shitty driving. i think that ATLien drivers have officially surpassed Indiana on "worst people's license plates to see on the road ahead of you" list. and thats bad, because hoosiers really cannot drive worth a damn.

i would like to now take this time to explain some important things you atlanta drivers may have forgotten since your 1st day of drivers ed.

now i know its not malibu lebowski, but stay with me. this sign means exactly what it says. so when youre on a steep incline hill and cant see the curved road to your left... dont make a right on red!! a badass might be driving 50 in a 40 and crush your dodge neon. also be sure not to make a left on red either, for you will most certainly be collided with.

ok. this sign doesnt reeeally mean 35. maybe 40, or even 44. certainly not 34. or 30. please dont punish others around you just because its sunday and youve been cooped up in church all day. we have shit to do mother fucker!

here's the deal with this sign. if you hit a pedestrian in a crosswalk, you will probably go to jail. if you run through a crosswalk while people are in it and a cop catches you, you will get a ticket. i mean if you needed to walk over to fontaines because moes is just too emory right now, you wouldnt want to get hit on the way over either, would you? they make the stripes big and bright across both lanes just in case you dont see the sign. try and stop for humans.

this invention is called a turn signal. when making a left turn, a right turn, basically any turn, just throw on the signal in the direction of the turn and people behind you wont hit you. it is also appropriate to note that a 5 second courtesy warning is nice, and a 1 second warning is cutting it a little close. some blinker is better than no blinker at all.

other things to note:
- speed humps are not giant spikes in the road. you can go over them at 10 mph even with big bertha in the car.
- upon approaching a 6-way intersection, yield to the people driving on the main road. then operate counter-clockwise around the intersection. this does not include running your yield sign to cut off a driver and go 35 in the 35.
- when you see a toll booth, evaluate your situation. if you dont have exact change, proceed to the cashier booth. if you do have change, make sure its there when you pull up!
- if you own a fast car, dont poke around in the left lane not passing anyone and setting up jewish roadblocks all over the place. bmw drivers are especially guilty of this. you bought that car for a reason, now use it.
- if you are driving in the highlands on narrow neighborhood roads with cars on both sides, please do not drive in the middle of the road and expect drivers coming at you to just pull over and let you through. move your car into your lane and slowly pass the oncoming car.
- cell phone drivers in georgia are easier to find than fish in a barrel. please maintain current speeds and stay in your lane. this does not mean saying hi to mommy allows you to disregard the traffic behind you that you havent seen in 10 minutes due to you never checking your rear view mirror. (PS- handsfree is so guy. learn to drive and talk or dont pick it up)

it sounds like i drive fast all the time, which i do, but i am also pretty defensive in terms of looking ahead and seeing situations play out. like if i am in the right lane and the light turns red and the guy behind me needs to make a right, i get into the left lane. or if i see someone trying to pull onto the road, ill get over so they can get into the intersection quicker. little things like this will help out everyone else on the road to go faster and safer.

just like the digital music divide, i feel that there exists a driving divide in atlanta. theres the out of state guys and the fulton/dekalb drivers, and then theres everyone else. i would say 90% of the time i get cut off or pissed off is from a georgia driver from bucktooth county who came down to the big ol city for home depot sales on lumber and scrap metal. this also includes gwinnet drivers, who should just stick to peachtree industrial and old state bridge road at all times.

also, is anyone else looking forward to how many playas trade in their H2s for an H3 despite the gas costing a college tuition for fillup? i know ron mexico doesnt stop for hoes, he's gonna pick up the limited edition niggas.

Please try and be better drivers. that is all thank you.


At 4/27/2005 3:11 PM, Blogger Paulie said...

amen brotha!

At 5/02/2005 1:42 PM, Blogger jsk323 said...

While I agree that most drivers in Atlanta suck ass, I would like to point out, for the record, the transformation that Shuster goes through when he gets behind the wheel of a car that might cause some of his excess frustration in this area.

In almost every other daily activity in which he participates, Shoobs is possibly the slowest human being I've ever seen. Here are some examples to consider:

Waking up in the morning: Can happen 10 minutes after the alarm goes off on a good day, but can take up to an hour. Usually involves a lot of hacking, mumbling, and groaning.

Walking: I've seen three-legged mules walk faster. That is unless there are doobie-snacks up ahead, in which case I've seen him achieve land speeds that would roughly fall into normal human range.

Ordering: (food, movie tickets, etcf.) This usually takes at least 50% longer than it should, normally due to not remembering what was supposed to be ordered. And then, and then, and then, and then!

Communication: If you call the Ix and he doesn't pick up...don't take it personally. Unless you are in possession of either a hole that he wishes to fill, or just "in possession"...don't expect to make it through the screening process. And forget leaving a message...response times of over a week are normal.

Car registrations and other legal matters: 10 months expired, nice!

Well I guess after going through all of that maybe his driving actually makes sense. He has to shave time off there to cover for the tar pit paced endeavor that is the rest of his day. Hmmm...

- Roomie

At 5/02/2005 2:12 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

your mom didnt seem to be complaining when i sloooowly filled her hole.

(with my penis, for the slow ones)

At 5/03/2005 11:33 AM, Blogger Blue said...

I have a comment to add to the NO TURN ON RED sign. For all the ATLien drivers...This also means that if there is no sign present indicating that you cannot turn on red, this means that you CAN! For petes sake people! AMEN on the idiots driving thru the highlands! THERE IS ENOUGH ROOM FOR BOTH OF US... I PROMISE! Just scoot over a hair or go back to your Gwinnetian lifestyle!

At 7/25/2005 8:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you forgot about the dumb motherfuckers getting on 20 at Oh say 50 and the DNOCs
ill let you figure that part out


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