The Hate Fuck
(god i hope my blog isnt firewalled at work for 6 weeks for writing this one)
****WARNING: Scrolling to the bottom at work MIGHT BE HAZARDOUS****
so you find yourself in a situation one day, maybe in class, or at the movies, or waiting in line to get into neighbors, whatever. and you see someone you knew from back in the day. now back in the day she was a real piece of work... fucking firecracker. bitchy. jappy as all hell. maybe you even sublet her apartment one summer, but her mom was such a cunny mom that she would call every 2 weeks to check up on the fucking pullout leather sofa. all the memories of how much you truly despise this person come swarming back to your mind.....
but wait! out of fucking nowhere you start gaining inches. might even have a half a pack of rolaids working there. you suddenly realize, 'god damn! that girl is hot and shes such a fucking bitch. and i love it.' well, son, theres only one thing left to do. oh ya whats that pops? son...you take that girl back to your place and you fuck the living shit out of her!
one of the funniest craigslist posts i have ever seen defines 'hate fucking' as:
hate fuck (n): The most racous, albeit violent, type of coitus among two individuals who are diametrically opposed in values, allowing for punching, scratching and biting reflexes, but have a base level of sexual attraction, allowing for circulation of blood to the genitals and forthcoming stimulation.
if you have ever hate fucked someone then you already know this definition. please, share stories. for the rest of you... what is your deal? youve never had a really bad breakup with an ex and then gotten round 2 in by bending her over any inanimate waist high object in your apartment? never had a nemesis that you had to work closely with and one night it spun out of control?
thats ok little guy. one day you will. and it will be fabulous.
now lets just talk about one more thing regarding hate fucking and women. women cannot hate fuck men. it doesnt really make any sense. a guy has something protruding he can pound with... a woman can basically just hop up and down real fast. a man can bend a girl over a table, chair, desk and hate fuck her. a woman cannot do the same. the only way imaginable for a girl to hate fuck a guy is in a pool, sideways, ala elizabeth berkley in showgirls. ladies, counterpoint?
in conclusion, hate fucking is something you can really only do to a nemesis type character in your life who you also have sexual tension/chemistry with. but... if i had to hate fuck some celebrities in a totally non-personal but you still act like a bitch on tv kinda way, here are a few:
she plays the perfect bitchy girl on 70s show
we all know this chick is one of most hated on any set in hollywood
everyone loves to hate on trashelle from the real world vegas.
she gets the pristine good girl hate fuck award.
and her partner in crime is definitely #1 bitchy hate fuck out right now