Kosher Gunplay

"Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with ya. The fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun.. And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O" written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck off.”

When I was a junior, we decided that it would be a good ‘brotherhood’ event if a bunch of guys headed up the highway to go fire off a few rounds at some shooting range targets. someone found a sketchy strip mall shooting range up 75 called Georgia Range and Guns. so about 25 of us caravaned up to the range to pop a cap in someones ass. i think it would be safe to say that the only one out of everyone in the group who had ever shot a real gun was Skance, from new mexico. he used to shoot small animals and whiskey bottles for friday night entertainment. the rochesties had probably seen all kinds of pistols in philly, when they left the suburbs and drove into the city on a weekend. point is i had never shot a gun and neither had most of us.

so we pull up to the place and everyone files inside. imagine a jewelry store case display, spanning the entire room, only this one was filled with all kinds of guns. now take the chandeliers and replace them with animal trophies on the wall. finally, replace the jewish manager and hot blonde saleswoman with 3 rednecks who could collectively account for 20 teeth. we were divided into two groups, and i was chosen to be in the first one. here are the rules: 1) you must have a shooting partner. 2) two people to a booth. 3) you can use any gun in the house.

so i was paired with shane. he plucked a nice little 9 mm from the case. some guys knew what they wanted, apparently they had read up on their NRA propaganda. i, on the other hand, was just stuck staring at all the different types. biggies, small boys, fatties, minis, long, stubby. (i am using technical terms here, so try to keep up) like i fucking knew which gun was which. so i tell the guy "just get me the old 44 magnum."


in case you have never shot a gun before, ive gotta say... you have to have the stomach for it. i know that sounds weird, but the thought of yielding a weapon that could end life really kinda freaked me out. i mean i was only here because everyone else was. i would be happy firing one shot and smoking a bowl in the parking lot.

anyway, i digress. shane gets up there with the glasses and earphones, aims at the target, and just starts pounding bullets. maybe 2 hit, the rest i have no idea where they went. the floor was this kind of hard foam, but the targets were like 25 feet away. once he was done emptying about 12 rounds, it was my turn. so i get up there like dirty harry, stand poised, put both hands on the gun, lock and load, and fire the first shot. umm, no idea where the bullet went. no idea how to control kickback. no idea what the fuck a jewish boy from kentucky is doing at a shooting range with a 44 magnum bigger than my fucking head. i fire a few more off and realize i suck at shooting. shane decides he wants to try a few shots with my gun. so i hit the safety, step back, and watch my shooting partner take aim with the mag. ku-chink. ku-chink.


he lets a few rounds go when out of nowhere, a guy who was down the way runs up and kinda grabs him and screams--
guy: What the fuck are you doing?!?! You think this is a fucking joke?!
(taken aback and not realizing what he did wrong)
shane: What the fuck is your problem man?
guy: Youre shooting that gun at the fucking ground. This isnt a joke you could hurt someone!
shane: i mean i dont know what im doing
guy: what do you mean you dont know what youre doing, havent you ever shot a gun before?
shane: no this is my first time
guy: well you cant just come and shoot unsupervised if youve never shot before
shane: no one in this room has ever shot a gun before
guy: are you fucking serious?! none of you have shot guns before? well listen buddy you need to get the hell out of here, i'm kicking you out.
shane: are you serious man? i dont know what the fuck i did wrong!

and so shane and i left. peacefully. the one thing you cant do is shoot a gun range owner. the guy running up and grabbing shane and tearing his fucking head off + gunplay + bullets whizzing at the ground and ricocheting + my jewy pacifist outlook = guns didn't really do it for me.

so if you ever find yourself face to face with me down a long dark alley, you can be sure of a few things.
1) i dont have a gun on me
2) if i did have a gun on me, you would have plenty of time to take aim and fire
3) if this was a halo 2 game, youd be dead by now
===============================
on a side note, biggups to the Braves. i started to root for philly this week, in anticipation of us locking it up... i would rather play san diego and have st louis play philly. at least we know we can beat them and perhaps philly would knock out st. louis by some fucking miracle. as it turns out, philly is all but out and we are gonna have to hose the 'stros one more fucking time. then beat pujols. then beat the yankees. hey, its doable. franco/francouer combo will lead the karma way.


the pennant wall over center field will have to be extended if we keep this up