Thursday, September 30, 2004

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wank -(v). To masturbate. Also phrased as wank off. (n). 1. An act of masturbation. 2. Rubbish, useless, nonsense. e.g."I wish I hadn't brought that new CD, it's wank!" (exclam). Exclamation of annoyance or expressing disbelief.

wanker -(n). 1. A masturbator. 2. A contemptible person. 3. An idiot, an incompetent person.

wankered - (adj). Very intoxicated

So last night I was playing cards at Famous Sports Palace(!). which is not a palace as i have said many a time before. in fact it is a dark dingy smoke filled sports sub-par-pub where $3 jack and cokes roll all wednesday night long. there are always crazy people who show up for tournaments. youve got your standard trekkie dork, can probably hold his own in the cash game but for all intents and purposes he aint getting on ESPN anytime soon. youve got your ladies, dressing in semi-tight outfits because they know how guys think and they are masters of the 'throwing you off your guard' technique. and then there are the unique ones... the dude with the vick jersey is always in it. the curly headed kid (me) who just takes people down outta nowhere. the dude whose name is gamble. the dude whose name is tree and he has a tattoo to prove it. youve got your australian gouy....heeey thea, yoove goht moy ayces again haventcha. and then youve got the 23 year old guy who just quit his job and is bored off his ass so he decides to consume the $3 jack and cokes from 3-7 to 'pregame' before the freeroll. and his name is country mike.

so country mike is houuunded on booze. like, absolute carnage. and he somehow wins at his first table and comes to sit at my table with the people described above. he is calling everyone clowns. in a slurred jumble of speech, here is his typical betting strategy. BERADE EVERYONE AT THE TABLE (mike matasau style).

"you bet 2,000 fuck you! clown imma call, no im not im gonna fold. what about you ya asshole, whater you gunna do. dont be awkward, dont be awkward....are you with any of these gentlemen here? whadda ya say whadda ya say. tisha! one more jack and coke. im all in fuck you clowns if you want to call me. bitch dont be awkward, just call me. fucking australian, nice accent bro why dont you shut the fuck up or call. come on mate, call my ass. dont be a pussy."

eventually country mike loses his stacks after about 3 more jack and cokes. he gets up and stumbles off into the abyss that is drunk driving. when he leaves the australian guy leans over and he goes.

sohrry if that gouy is yohr mate, but hes a bloody wanker man.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

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Never Have I Ever

I would like to just say that from now on, sports will not be talked about in the vicklanta blog unless they pertain specifically to atlien sports. all sports talk will now be available in a BRAND NEW BLOG: Choobie and Shoobie's SportsTalk. Chiu is in on the bloggamania and hopefully we will reveal our secret email (up to 10 times a day) re: all the shit going on in the sports world.

That said, QT just decided to bring back the most addictive and only type of coffee i will ever drink.... iced vanilla coffee. i have never had a latte, a chai tea mocha frappaspresso, etc etc. the only coffee i drink is QT vanilla coffee and its back.... and better than crack!

last night i played the drinking game circle of death. a few comments.... the game is a 52 card game where the cards are just dumped in the middle of the table. each one represents a certain thing.... like 4's are socials, A's are waterfalls, 8's are never have i ever, etc etc. in the first ten minutes of the game i must have drank four beers. circle of death is a giant mess of ridiculousness, especially when someone in the game is hi on cokey and going insanely crazy as always. whenever you play a game with friends that involves a concept such as never have i ever, you are just asking to get fucked with. and that brings me to:

The Top 10 Things I Would Call Out My Friends For In Never Have I Ever

never have i ever....
10. Met two army boys at a random club in a sketchy situation, invited them back to my place, and fucked one of them on the floor of my apartment since other guests occupied my bed.
9. Gone on a cruise with full expectations of getting ass, realizing that 17 years old + parents is waaaaay too young for my age range, and doing it anyway because i was that desperate.
8. brought a girl home so drunk from a bar that when we were fucking while my roommate was upstairs sleeping before a midterm, i accidentally slipped it in the wrong hole and it slid right in.
7. brought a girl into the makeshift 'bone room' in a frat house, disappeared for 10-15 minutes, and when we came out no one knew what had happened and the girls forehead was split open.
6. kept a deep dark secret from my friends so well that they had no idea i was fucking a gay senator behind their backs during a DC internship.
5. dumped emory girls back to back to back because all i wanted to do was have blockbuster nights and fuck them instead of trying to form somewhat of a cohesive comfortable sexual situation. and i got rice krispie treats out of one of them!
4. gotten my chest and back hair laser removed, requiring three treatments at $1000 a pop.
3. roundhouse kicked someone in the face, dropping them straight on their ass for trying to get on my nerves and push me around.
2. shit on a floor
1. become a boyfriend to my roommate's ex-girlfriend despite the fact that there are about 1 million other girls in a 20 mile radius, she will be 500 miles away, and i drop girls hearts right in the dumpster at the drop of a dime with absolutely no regret or thought as to how she feels.

the answers for the skancers, a clue to #7

Friday, September 24, 2004

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ix spix pubes curls jewfro self-discussion

black ladies of the world! hear my plea.... yes, this hair is natural. well thank you, i like it too. come sleep with me?

black women have hit on me 2 days in a row, once in publix and once at work. if i could only seal the deal, or even better, stop getting hit on by lunchlady type black women and move into the high class park ave punan.

why cant i grow my hair out like gavin rossdale circa 1996.

why does it constantly grow into poof form instead of long curly rockstyle curl. is mickey really white, or was he just raised that way and is actually my black panther party dad. or worse, is my actual dad a black panther partier. i guess that would insinuate that momma shoob slept with a black dude, and i am pretty certain that could only have happened in her 'experimental' days in the late 70s.

if supercuts black ladies know exactly how to work their magic for 12 measley bucks, why do girls get their hurr did for like 30-100 bucks a pop. cant they just get a suck cut and do it themselves like wayne and garth.

here we see the 'suck cut'... it certainly does suck

and now:
Top 5 Things I Have To Constantly Hear About Fucking Curly Hair

5. Oooooooh, giiiirl. look at those cuuuurls. mmmm, mm, mm.
4. Laquita, come over hurr and look at this boys cuuurly hurr.
3. I luddem curls, is it natural? (no lady, its a fucking weave)
2. You have the prettiest curls ive ever seen on a white boy. meatloaf or lasagna?
1. Nice ix, dude

Yesh, yesh. it is very weird. and now, eye candy of hot bitches with curly hair.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

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God vs. Sports

Sooo the godfearing holiday of yom kippur is now upon the jews. its kinda like catholic confession, except that
A) it's one day a year
B) your sins are heard between you and god, not you and a child molesting quaker lookalike
C) we dont believe in jesus

a lot of bad bad shit has happened to the jews on yom kippur. like, there was even a war in 1973 (i am not going to google it, i just hope i am right) where israel was invaded by the most intelligent breed of arabs known to date... pick a day when everyone is off guard and praying and just bum rush the country. i guess its not intelligent, more like cold calculating war strategy that started an unwinnable war between our little desert country surrounded by a continent of people who hate us.

so between rosh and yom, we were supposed to be thinking of all the sins we committed over the past year. on yom we get to pray to god to forgive and to write us in the book of life for another year. i guess being in the age of the internet where science and technology replaces god for some people, this concept may be slightly ridiculo... but nevertheless, i will be attending just like i have for the past 23 years.

someone who may not be in attendance is 1st baseman for the LA Dodgers Shawn Green. ya see, there are some jews who are athletic in this world who arent windsurfers. the problem is, the LA Dodgers are in 1st place in their division by half a game. this weekend is basically make it or break it for them... san diego is hot on their tail and there are like 11 games left in the season.

another example of this god vs. sports concept happened in 'School Ties' when the new QB was secretly jewish at a 60's anti-semitic anti-black boys ivy league school. he of course had one of his first huge games on yom kippur, and opted to lie to his father and play and catch up on his sin atonement later.

also sandy koufax had to decide what he should do, stay true to the faith or stay true to baseball. i think he was fined for not playing.

i think the answer is obvious, but maybe thats because i am old fashioned. despite all your career success and your personal job related goals, even if its a tossup between wildcard or 1st place status, i think you should still go to synagogue like a good jew. i mean how can you justify selling out thousands of years of history for one sports game? and it kinda sucks that the pressure is bigtime on his shoulders... 1/2 game lead is cutting it really really close. but the concept of baseball is team, and if your team cant fill in and step up while you are observing your faith's most holy of holy days, then you dont deserve to be in the 1st place anyway.

maybe tomorrow i will make a list of all my sins over the past year. ha! who am i kidding.... that would be the sketchiest shady ass list of all time. so until next time, may we all be written in the book of life for one more least (?)

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

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Corporate Atlanta and some other random shiat

Ted Turner used to own this town. He inherited it from his father, but by the late 80s ted had built one of the largest media conglomerate companies in existence. And then, he sold his soul to AOL Time Warner and hasnt been the same ever since. he was a vp on the board, and decided to quit that job after dropping stock, retirements of ceos, etc. fyi, look how much shit AOLTW owns!

I hate that one company has so much control over the media. Does it make any sense for Time magazine to name ted turner man of the year? its like, they are just promoting themselves through their own channels. meanwhile when you visit the webpage, they have aol ads running up and down the page. movies released by new line get commercial time on turner networks. the whole thing is just a swirling mess of advertising and big business at its worst. it makes me shudder...

now ted turner is an old man with bipolar disorder. he hates his life one day and loves it the next. that must suck. he has dropped from top 10 richest people to being tied for 82nd place or something. so instead of having 40 billion, he now has about 5 billion. damn, thats a big salary cut.

i know half my friends in this town work for some sort of ted turner enterprise, hell i talk about the braves and the hawks like i am a little ted turner lackee. they even call the braves stadium the 'Ted'. i dont know what conclusions to draw from this, i am just feeling particularly down on corpatlanta when i decided to check out how much shit AOLTW really own in the world. it seems to be quite a heavy load.


speaking of heavy loads, the company that makes twinkies is filing for bankruptcy. damn, i thought twinkies were the one thing that would never be fucked with. is it truth or an urban myth that twinkies can last the longest of any preserved food? i think i saw a family guy about that once... dont worry cum guzzlers, twinkies will still be manufactured.

did britney spears really get married this weekend? who knows.... all i know is her reenus tastes like strawberry shortcake ala mode and her new perfume commercial makes me want to run upstairs and hump a hand towel for 5 minutes. (video)

kim catrall got snubbed at the emmys by her galpals. kimmy refused to do the SATC movie and as a result, most of those other bitches are out of work for now. ya see girls, even though the fab 4 were entertaining and a way of life for youse new jersey/nyc/tri state area people, the truth of the matter is that no 4 girls can be that tight without some bitchy shit breaking them apart. its like van halen, but with prada bags and louis vuitton.

Cat Stevens, what in gods name happened to you? and not the god of the guys responsible for terrorism, i mean your old god.... yaweh. when did you decide to go from being a jewish guy who sang jewish camp songs to an islamic fundamentalist who donates charity to arab networks.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

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My Own Theater

Soooo today was slightly slow. I can admit it. I got there at 10, i peaced at 2. caught some chilis. best restaraunt on earth. i honestly think a girl who likes it all but no chilis is no no for me. anyway, caught a few bingers. then caught a flick. napoleon dynamite. its that movie i have wanted to see for 4 months but no one ever thinks to do. it was funny as shit. funny. ass. shit. go see it. dont wait for dvd on this one. 4 stars.

So it was a 2:45 showing. no one in the theater. blazed as fuck. imagine. pause. dont be in a rush to read this. i was bombed. so we miss some previews but we get to the commercial where the indians are looking out over the hill and theyre like shhhhhhhhh.

kiss my ass! we can be loud as fuck.
no talking during the movie? fuck you! its our theater.

i had never experienced a solo theater before, and it was great. laugh as loud as you want. side commentary ala MST3K. we just needed a 3rd. preferably blonde. and hot. and would give my boy sloppy 2nds.

anyway, i felt like the dudes in entourage or sopranos who have their own theater in their house. but this was naughtier, it was the actual theater. yatches should have been there.

anyway, i won fantasy round 2 last night. TO caught a sicky TD. jevon kearse = no points but he caused Philly D/ST 5 sacks and an INT. yay. now i just wait around for wednesday poker. friday highlands. saturday college pigskin. then its back to the nfl. peace niggars. with an a.

Monday, September 20, 2004

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Most Exciting Week 2 Game?

Although tonight is Vikings vs. Eagles (at Eagles they have -3 i believe), i think the entire east coast who didnt have the falcons vs. rams game blacked out would agree... the Falcons game was the most exciting game by far this week. last week the falcons won a 'vanilla' flavored offensive game... warrick dunn just ran the ball until it was time for vick to pass. vick had 6 rushes for 10 yards, 13 of 22 for 163 yards and a TD. of course this might mean nothing to you, but to me it means 13 fantasy points and a joyful win by the dirty birds.

yesterday at 1 pm, the stage was set for the falcons to drop to 1-1 against last years top 5 qb marc 'i am so overrated i dont know what to do with myself' bulger. ATL scored the only points in the first quarter off this wide-open in the endzone pass to FB justin griffith. he deserved it, i mean he caught this other 62 yard pass earlier in the drive...ill take it-- 6 fantasy points. then atl did a crazy play... a pooch onside kick which the kicker recovered to start another atl back to back drive. the new management has so many tricks up their sleeve... i mean, dan reeves would never score a TD and then do a fake onside kick...its not in his blood. jim mora is just being crazy innovative...i love it.

anyway, at the end of the half it was 17-7 and assuming that ATL wouldnt blow the lead and keep going at the same pace, i was loving it. by the end of the 3rd quarter, bulge and his rams had tied it up with a 33 yard TD pass and a field goal. 17-17. now this is the point in the game when you get really, really worried. ATL started off strong and blew their 10 point cushion as always. they did the same thing the week before and barely hung on for the win. this week though, they really turned shit around fast...

as the 3rd quarter drew to a close, we passed up the field to crumpler for a huge gain to get it into the red zone. 1st and 10 on STL's 25. on 3rd and 8, vick dropped back, swung left, saw a gap, and headed right for the end zone.... he was 2 yards away when he was slide tackled and did a complete 180 in the air, getting tossed end to end and landing on his back. OHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK! my mind said for a split second. WHEW, hes getting up... he wanted that TD bad! warrick dunn punches it in the rest of the way and ATL is up 24-17.

now this is when the game was make it or break it time. and atl D just stepped up hardcore. so we kick it off, and they return it but get a 10 yd penalty. so they start 1st and 10 on the 10 yard line. O line breaks down and patrick kerney gets in there for one of his two sacks of the night. it looked like a safety but nope, they had it on the 1. so 2nd and 19, backed up in their own end zone. the O line held for what seemed to be an eternity, leaving bulge with a little rollout and not enough coverage downfield.... out of the right side, brady smith finally gets by his guard and right when bulger winds up the ball gets swatted straight out of his hands and drops right into brady's hands IN THE END ZONE. you know what that means... 1 sack, 1 forced fumble, 1 fumble recovery, and 1 fumble recovery TD all in one play. In Fantasy terms... 9 point play, not to mention ATL 31, STL 17. wow, that was really just the defensive turnaround play of the game.... 14 point cushion in the 4th quarter only means one thing to bulger, and that is to toss the ball downfield as fast as possible. unfortunately for him, on 3rd and 15 aaron beasley caught a nice little INT to cap off the victory.

And final game stats:
Vick-- 14 of 19 for 179 yds and 1 TD; 12 rushes for 109 yards, 1 alllllmost TD :)

Next week, Arizona '0-2' all the time comes knockin on our door.
ps-- the last time ATL started 2-0, they went to the super bowl.

Friday, September 17, 2004

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Happy New Year!

Well folks, its a new year for the jews out there in the world. not like i really follow ancient scripture passages to the t, but apparently we have no idea if rosh hashana was on yesterday or today so we have 2 days of new year celebrating. i will of course be celebrating my 2nd day grinding it out in the leather chair and cube jail time for a 10:30 meeting and clocking out around 1 pm for lunch/naptime/recovery time. (ivan blasted atlanta all night last night i.e. no power)

so for my first catchup bloggy since i was going to blog on this yesterday and have a new topic today.... there is so much fucking family pressure around holidays. why is that? why do families feel the need to guilt trip the kids living away from the core of the family into coming home for all holidays. grandma, arbor day is just not a good reason to trek home 400 miles to celebrate the trees and eat dry turkey and overcooked briscuit. (goyim-- briscuit is the bombest jewish dish in the world... all jewish moms bow down to the briscuit gods and of course my mother makes the best of all moms everywhere) i was in louisville 12 days ago... why in the world would i come back twice in the same month?!?

another thing that really sucks around holiday time is when you dont have a lady friend to bring home to momma. for some of those years i did have one, and of course my family was like in love because she was A) sweet to old people and B) a jew. thats like their only qualifications. nowadays i just get fired upon with questions of atlanta, disease control, and of course when are you going to bring home a girl again. people, you put pressure on us to come home and visit and then when we get there, you ask us about the only shit we dont want to talk to you about... then you wonder why we dont come home in the first place! the nerve...

last thing-- so yesterday i went to yan katzs familys for rosh 2-pm-lunch-dinner hour. when we got there name tags were dispersed around the 2 tables.. mainly to group familiar people, but also probably to avoid that awkward situation when you pick your seat but someone else really wants that one more. so they put me and jon next to two girls named emily and naomi. they invited naomi under the guise of a friendly gesture-- she is new in town and also the youth director at the synagogue where these kids go. but in reality, the lady in charge knew she was single and jewish and that me and katz were single and jewish. so she told this girl naomi right before she arrived that her cousin jonathan and his roomie justin, who just graduated from emory would be there too... light flashes on in naomi's head... this jewish mom is trying to set me up with jewish boys! now she felt like she didnt even want to go, it would be amazingly awkward. what if the 2 jewish guys were a bunch of dorks, or worse... sleazy meatheads showing up for 'the gangbang' ala todd phillips in old school. but as soon as she told her about the emory thing...she knew exactly who i already was. luckily for naomi, shoobie knew naomi through fucking jdate. we didnt jdate, but i attempted to go smoke out her and her buddy from college when she was in town. whew, awkward situation turned into a positive one. why do jewish mothers play matchmaker though? i mean, they dont know anything personal about the backgrounds of any of the people they are setting up, they just know that they are A) nice to old people and B) jewish. there has to be a little more substance for a match to be made.... i think....

anyway, happy new year jews.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

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(to be read in cheesy dating show format voices)

Wellllcome back everybody, this is:

the show that hooks up fresh fish with the old guard in a good old fashion game of prison dating. There will be 3 rounds and at the end, our contestant will pick who his/her ideal choice for being somebody's bitch in jail shall be.

Tonights contestant, a popular television personality, multi millionaire who cooks, cleans, and sautees with the best of them. put your hands together for maaaartha stewwwwart!

And tonights 3 prison lackees are....
Laqueeta Jones, 46, convicted of smothering her abusive boyfriend to death with her mammoth lips and breasteses.

Hadassim Sumbabli Patel, 48, convicted of drowning both her children in a bath tub full of baby oil. When arrested she was found comatose on a cheap couch getting double stuffed like an oreo.

Ellen Karyupov, 38, russian mobster who mysteriously blended in as a man deep in the underground mafia until her arrest. Gotti's crew claimed to know it all along.

OK, now that youve met the contestants, lets get started with Round 1: Getting to Know You.
Martha, go ahead and start off the questions.

Martha: Thanks Phil. Contestant 1, if i had a really rough day in the laundry room, what would you do to make me feel better?
Laqueeta: Well Martha, i would come to your cell during breaktime and give you a nice long back rub...maybe nibble on your little ears a little... then bend you over my knee and..... spank you like my little prison bitch.
Martha: Ooooh, sounds kink. Contestant 2, if i were to whip you up a fabulous dish of patee and filet mignon, what could i get in return?
Hadassim: well, i have never heard of these things. but if you cooked anything for me it would be better than how my old bitch treated me. she wouldnt even pick the warts from my bound feet. if you did that for me, you could whip me any way you want.
Martha: That would make a greeeat rainy day activity. OK contestant 3, what would you do to me if i was being a naughty naughty little girl?
Ellen: Martha. If you act out of place as my prison bitch, i will crush your head worse than stalin crushed an entire country. there will be no naughty naughty when i am around.
Martha: Wow phil, you all sure picked a naughty trio here....

Thanks martha, and now on to Round 2. OK in this round, each contestant gets to ask Martha a question.

Laqueeta: Are you a big fan of big lips smacking your hood around?
Martha: My my my, if i hear you correctly, youre asking me if i enjoy some cunnilingus. Who doesnt? Wow, I feel like a criminal for saying something like that on tv. Laqueeta, if i end up with you as my prison bitch, i look forward to long nights of passion between the bacteria infested sheets.
Hadassim: Martha, I am a reserved muslim woman who is hell bent on breaking out. Would you help me to escape?
Martha: Oooh, i dont know hadassim. i am so rich that i hired the best lawyers in the country to help me avoid prison time. even though i have to go, i dont foresee myself breaking out with you. besides, there are plenty of carpet munchers out in the real world when i am free to roam.
Ellen: what is your take on S&M? i like to beat the bloody pulp out of my bitches.
Martha: glad you asked, allan. to me, nothing says cozy like a good set of thick anal beads plunged up the 2hole. that or a nice flogging across my pasty white cheeks. i usually like to cry afterwards, hopefully youll slap me around for misbehaving. does that answer your question?

WOAAAHHH a little too much info there martha. OK now on to the final round. This is the lightning round so Martha is going to say a word and each of you say the first word that comes to mind. Ready? OK... go.

Martha: Refrigerator
Laqueeta: Chicken
Hadassim: Chickpeas
Ellen: tundra

Martha: Hairy
Laqueeta: my upper lip
Hadassim: my cankles
Ellen: my armpits

Martha: Prison Guards
Laqueeta: do-able
Hadassim: terror
Ellen: sexy

Ohhh and thats all the time we have for the rounds. Martha Stewart, have you made your decision yet?

Martha: I sure have Chet. Laqueeta, your responses make me think you are a tremendously overweight black chick who just wants to bust a high-class white girl. im sorry, i cant let your mitts touch these wonderful breasts. Hadassim, i dont know how to put this but... i am just not into arabs. call me a racist, but i just cant do it. sorry. I choose Allan. She sounds like she knows what she's doing, she could probably kick someone's ass over my sweet virgin ass, and she sounds like a butch white chick. I know she will make me a great prison bitch.

Well Folks, looks like we scored another happy couple here... stay tuned next week when a white collar sexual harassing boss meets the boys from upstate. On.... JAILBAIT!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

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Thou Shalt Not Bear False Idols

Unfortunately, I am not talking about the hot american idol chick on surreal life. she is pretty unfunny and in general pretty 'light' on good material to blog about. but of course pictures are acceptable.

Nope, I am talking about the biggest scam to grab the public eye since JFK was allegedly assassinated. The O word. not orgasm you sick fucks.... i am talking about the one and only Oprah Winfrey. God i cant stand this woman. Why did you allow her to creep out from the shadow of trashy talk shows and furthermore, why is america legitimizing her brainwashing scandals for housewives and stay at home teenage moms? So i decided that instead of just out and out bashing this festering bacterium in our pop culture, i would compare her to a strangely different breed of idolatry in the hopes that someone out there takes care of the oprah situation that is inevitably going to lead to more blue balls and stricter regulations from overbearing wifeys.

Mooby the Golden Calf


Oprah Winfrey

Born: 1989

Born: 1954 in mississippi

Created by: Nancy Goidruff, Kindergarten teacher

Spawned by: satan himself

Height: 3'6" Weight: 90 lbs.

Height: 5'2" Weight: depends on the new trendy diet that month

Lifetime achievements:

Lifetime achievements:

  • Mooby Fun-Time Hour
  • 16 records
  • 2 feature films
  • 8 prime-time specials
  • cassette library
  • biocoastal theme parks 'MoobyWorld'
  • Oprah Winfrey Show, 21 million viewers a week, 105 countries
  • Production company
  • book club
  • O, the magazine
  • the Oxygen channel



  • pair of purple pants
  • several animal friends
  • Mooby restaurants
  • 8 multi-million dollar estates
  • officially the first black woman billionare in 2003

Worst Moment:

Worst Moment:

getting wedgies from the other cows at recess

being sexually abused many times as a child

The 2nd commandment, ya know...the things that we as judeo-christians are all to follow is:
"You shall not make for yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them or serve them"

I only bow down to one other, and that be the king of all hiphop-a-liscious-bow-wow original gangsta of mack Snopp D-O-double-G... and the group that said mother fuck the po-lice. but seriously, the connection between mooby and oprah is uncanny. global market shares, a following of brainless zombies, mass media hype, money, cash, hoes. its all about the dollar dollar bills. now i'm not saying that oprah is not a humanitarian, lord knows she donates a ton of cash and has started like 6 charities in her time.... i just dont get why people watch the show like they dont know how to run their own lives or pick their own books or solve their family problems within their family instead of in front of millions of viewers. i remember when oprah was categorized with Montell, Springer, and Donahue.... trash tv. now suddenly she is like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

here we see the two idolaters walking the NY Marathon

I guess the only other thing i can say is: america, get a life. do something without dr. phil or oprah for a change. like fly a kite, go rollerblading, or do anal. thats it i'm done.

Monday, September 13, 2004

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Study Drugs

I guess for some reason, when i was growing up, no one informed me of the concept of study drugs. hell, i didnt even really know what pot was until i was 16. apparently this shit has been going on for years, usually its a gripey parent who identifies their kid as having some learning disorder and they get put on study drugs for add. then they go to high school and sell their study drugs to other kids who dont have learning disorders at all so that they can excel at the most asinine part of life: cramming for tests.

i only wish i had known about these things earlier... i would have definitely attempted to fake being add if i knew all the fringe benefits of adderall and shit like that. as it stands, i had to earn my bones on this enormous IQ brain sans study drugs. no one at emory talks about the drug issues going on there, its just like one of those things that everyone is aware of that no one is concerned about. i would say half the campus abuses adderall or some form of study drug. does that mean that my GPA is insignificant, i was up against unfair advantages? i would also say half the campus participates in weed, coke, or a combo of those. i hadn't even seen a person do a line until senior year at emory... how fucking sheltered am i?!?

apparently more and more kids are turning away from hard drug use, and turning towards the abuse of study drugs. obviously you cant trust a government survey, but in todays cnn... the 12 and 13 year olds who smoke bud and smoked within a month of the survey decreased by 30%. x dropped 41% and lsd dropped 54%. 54 million americans aged 12 and over binge drink.

i dont know where i am going with this, i am just wondering if adderall is like 'soma' from brave new world. like soon, millions more kids will be on it... millions will be addicted....millions will rely on it for their daily consumption. brains will become co-dependent on it. the government will supply it to the needy... original thoughts go right out the door... everyone acts braindead all day long.

so is it morally wrong to abuse a prescription drug to get ahead in law/med/whatever school? who is at more of the disadvantage, the person who needs the drugs to stay on the same level, or the person who abuses them to get ahead of everyone? is abusing adderall grounds for expulsion? yadda yadda, deep moral dilemnas by shoobie.

i feel like if i went back to school, i would probably get some study drugs before tests. i mean, if everyone does it, and everyone says it works amazingly well, and that you concentrate for hours and memorize tons of shit you need to know, then why the fuck shouldnt i? the only other time i can (and do) foresee myself taking adderall is for a long casino poker night. apparently it would allow me to memorize tells, cards, how people bet, what people bet, what that one guy in the hat folded an Ace for before, etc. all i know is, study drugs are a huge black market biz and my buddy bellend is cashing in like crazy on these self conscious, overly reliant, jappy girls who feel like the only way to compete is with the drugas.
this is your brain.

this is your brain on drugs.

this is your brain after waaaaay too much fucking lsd.

any questions?

Friday, September 10, 2004

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What Do People Google Anyway?

remember in elementary school where you had to make a crest of you and your interests?

the greek letters are the tricky part.... any guesses?

Anyway, its friday and i already bloggied once today. (see below) So i thought it would be kinda funny for you all to read some of the crazy internet searches that go down out there... i have a stat tracker on this site and as a result i can see how people came here. Big ups to my new zealanders, the buenos airenians, the australian dude, and my swiss alps representation. Check out the following funny search phrases that got people to vicklanta: (i am going to keep a running list on the side ===>)

1. critiques on krispy kreme's doughnuts marketing policy (yahoo)
2. can outties get their belly pierced? (yahoo)
3. ali g grab the jews by the horn throw down well (google)
4. "liquid explosion" AND borat (yahoo)
5. definition of dooshbag (google)
6. "starter jerseys (google)
7. outtie belly button surgery (yahoo)
8. atl strip clubs (yahoo)
9. dugan's chicken wings atlanta (google)
10. photo de grand vajin (google)
11. khazakstani (google)
12. my sister, she like number 2,3 in all the country of Khazikstan for prostitute. (yahoo)
13. borat savannah, ga (google)
14. borat hairy wife plow (google)
15. twains decatur gay (google)
16. "chapelle"s show" have you ever given yourself a stranger? (yahoo)
17. borat chram (

and the best one so far....
18. olympic cameltoe wedgie (google)

The Ville

Well, sorry about not blogging yesterday. what can i say, i had one of those 24 hour mind fucking blanks and nothing was spewing forth.

So i went to louisville, ky last weekend to see my sister off to san fran. no job, no idea how to pay rent, just a dream of cali kush kush and grunge coffeehouse poetry jams. usually when i visit the place of my birth, here is what happens:
i roll into town around 8. usually i have called 2 or 3 friends to announce the arrival and to stir up plans. i call up akin and he says he's up for going out. we go to some lame place where there is no loud noise, smoke, heavy drinking, or any misbehaving whatsoever. he wants to just chill and 'talk'. dude the point of having friends in a town is to talk to other girls, not to play 'catch up' since the last visit. i go home and pass out and re-start the cycle.

However, this time was much more fun... quite possibly the most fun i have had in that town to date. I got to see the UofL cards smoke the UK cats 28-0 in an actual low-scoring, high defense game. last year i saw uofl vs. miami(oh) and the score was like 49-35. uofl had no D. the player of the week for C-USA was this #1 Kerry Rhodes, who had 6 tackles, 2 INTs, 1 TD. this guy must have swatted 4 passes out of the air as well. Look for his name draft day 2k5.

One of my buddies phelps had a 'bachelor party' of sorts. He is from this hicktown called mt. washington, ky... 20 outside louisville. he is jewish. his fam must be the only jews in the whole town. anyway, he went to europe and met a lady and got engaged. then his visa was going to be denied so he hitched to this girl and there you have it... bachelor party for whoever was in town. FINALLY! i get to actually drink and play AND had a sober driver in tha ville.

So we hit up 12 bars. do you know how hard it is to even find 12 bars in louisville? apparently while i was gone they decided to sup up this downtown area to draw crowds away from this other area called the highlands. (sounds like a familiar ATL story) it looked like a mini CityWalk straight outta disney world. neon lights. walking and drinking in the street. trashy blondes with their twangs and drawls. idiot ky boys stirring up testosterone fights. if there was a casino in there i would have been in heaven. you know a city is on the map when....?
A) there is a concept of morning traffic
B) Muhammad Ali was born there
C) A Hard Rock Cafe opens up shop
Thats right ladies and gentlemen, my town is so important that there is now a Hard Rock Louisville. I never thought i'd see the day....

anyway, i got to eat at some dank restaurants. got to booze and my sister hooked up that chronic that was more like seedy stemmy hold me over til i return weed. got to play with dogs. got to go to a casino and get cleaned out. got to smoke some of my buddies with my newfound pool skills. got to see mander after a 6 year hiatus....and her hot friend too. it was surprisingly the best weekend i had in tha ville. and now, pictures.


(chiu was taking pics of hot girls in a drunken stupor...i caught wind of it and decided that i was more important to the shot than some seedy black dude trying to hit that white piddussy)

(then we saw a girl from high school who was working the cigarette promotion/lighter giveaway for marlboro... god damn i love payday fridays)

(what website is not complete without pictures of bornstein's sister? get off my koolaid!)

(ahh yes, the obligatory freak dancing cowgirl who is married. at least she recognized where the best ass grinding crotch in town was)

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

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My Good Man, I Challenge You To A Duel

Thats right. a duel sir. Zell Miller is the biggest crackhead on the planet. For those of you who dont know zell miller or his crazy democratic-turncoat-republican-bush-supporting methods, he is a crazy senator from georgia who had such a bad time on Hardball that he challenged Chris Matthews to a duel. A DUEL!

(zell approaches his sworn enemy, but matthews has 'the force' on his side)

so zell is 'hard'balled up for some fightin words.... here are mine...

Top 10 List of People/Things I Challenge To A Duel

10. Dr. Phil
I have had the unfortunate pleasure of catching a few minutes of this show after jeopardy ends... this guy is the worst form of out-of-touch-50-year-old-talks-down-to-teens trash tv talk show host i have ever seen. did i get my 'phil' today? how about i get some fun boys to fill you up like a twinkie factory. dissapear.

9. John Stamos, Bob Saget, and Dave Coulier
The three dads from my 80s childhood, Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey, and Danny. Since starring in that magnificent moral-teaching sitcom, here is a little update of their careers:
.- John Stamos, divorcing his only claim to legitimacy in hollywood, no movies, no tv to date.
.- Bob Saget, americas funniest home videos AND dick-sucking-coke-fiend in half baked, uncredited
.- Dave Coulier, its too sad to mention... go ahead, just click and see for yourself.
The reason I call for a duel is to free the lovely twins and hot lori loughlin from the haunting memories of awful one-liners and jokes

8. Kevin Costner were on a roll! Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, Dances with Wolves, the Bodyguard. These are A-list classic movies in the realm of money/sales/etc. then it all went to sham in the big budget bomb waterworld...the most expensive movie until titanic. after that its just dribbling, sappy, bad script, worse acting flicks like The Postman, For the Love of the Game, and Open Range. You were such a badass in robin hood, and you were such a lame ass in thirteen days. fight me so that i can end your undeserving life.

7. SNL (2000ish-present)
The funny, which used to be standard for this show, pretty much faded away in the late 90s. There have been some head turners, i personally find horatio sanz to be the funniest person on air now. jimmy fallon was good, but he's gone. will ferrell, not sure why it took him as long as it did to leave. lorne, if you need funny writing... i could probably come work part time. but buddy, you need either some new sketch players or some new ideas or just something... because what youre doing right now is definitely NOT FUNNY. the worst of the n.f. offenders...

6. Russel Crowe
Cocky, arrogant, hard to work with... dude, youre just a grumpy new zealander with nothing but gripes and complaints about life. stop being such a cock-knocker and fight me to the death you pussy!

5. Tom Shane
Now some of you may not know who tom shane is right away.... but i can drop a few hints to see if you recollect. radio commercial. monotone. jewelry. bridal rings. now you have a friend in the diamond business. got him now? ya...who doesnt want to kill the fucking man behind that commercial?

4. Spongebob Squarepants
I dont know what the hype is about. i have never seen you. i dont even know what your voice sounds like or where your sense of humor lies. but i do know youre a fad, and that youre suspiciously homo, and if you were right here in the cube with me, i would be taking you down a notch or two. seek advice from what happened to mooby in Dogma, then decide if death is the best claim to fame...for you, i see that happening.

3. Albert Pujols
I had to throw someone from sports in here... mvp this, mvp that. before we decide to name this jagoff the mvp for his amazing hitting/HR streaks for the cardinals thanks to: At just 24 years old, and through a little more than three-and-a-half seasons, he's racked up 127 Win Shares on the strength of 151 home runs, 171 doubles, 734 hits, 474 RBI, and some fine D, first at 3B and now at 1B, lets make sure that the cards can outhit and outpitch the braves for the NL playoff game. if i chop off his throwing arm by accident, can the cards even hold a candle in the competition? the braves are a fully functioning team, the cards are just nutswingers on pujols' chram. Fuck the st louis cardinals. Gooo braves!

2. Tipper Gore
I cannot think of a single person, be it politician or teenager or me who likes tipper gore. After she and her husband created the internet, they feasted their eyes on something much larger. The censorship of music. Now its called the 're-labelling' of music, but that parental advisory sticker was the most ridiculous fight i have ever seen. like all of a sudden parents didnt realize that kids could quite possibly hearing the f bomb on a music track. tipper claims to have been a child of the 60s rock... then what is with this turncoating? sellout shit. i challenge the inventor of the internet and the advisory sticker to a fucking deathmatch.

1. Carson Daly
You got that right, my number one all time desire to fight to the death would be with Carson Daly of MTV. After all, he is the reason why i have repeatedly had to switch to comedy central to get my programming. MTV. Music Television. ya know, like string a bunch of notes together and put a video in front of it. Not TRL, fucking boy band interviews, loud obnoxious cheering thirteen year old girls, little kids who wouldnt know good music if it checked into a room at eardrum inn, idiot hip hop stars who dont belong in the biz. oooh, can JKwon beat out Jessica Simpson for the #1 video this week? stay tuned to more crap coming up after these mindless teeny bopper commercials. not to mention that he acts arrogant and cocky like a fucking polo khaki shorts wearing ivy leaguer. and its not jealousy.. i mean, ive already been with Tara Reid and Christina... this guy deserves to be dueled, and if i knew how to wield a blade, you bet your ass this mother fucker is the first to go.

Runners Up:
- steven tyler's lips
- carrot top's hairdo
- dick cheney

Friday, September 03, 2004

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Deadly Hurricanes and some Deep Nipping Inquiries

First, katz and i made a bet 2 weeks ago that a hurricane could never hit atl. apparently i lost the bet... in 1992 a hurricane hit here. isnt a hurricane by definition on water? and isnt a tropical storm when it passes through land? apparently i was all wrong. last night after seeing the weather report i ask if we can do double or nothing this hurricane doesnt hit atl. apparently that was a dickhead bet.... hundreds will probably die in the hurricane. he was like dude, youre fucking sick. i go, dude if it hits atl you get 20 bucks!

So lets talk about nipping. secretly, guys cannot avert their eyes when a cute-->hot girl is nipping for no reason. girls, are you just thinking about something and thats why it happens? is it sexually provocative thoughts strolling through your minds? what controls nipping more, victorias secret or generic targè? what do you notice first, the feeling of nippage or the blatant stares from horny men? what methods are used to reduce the nips back to normal?

to guys, the best kind of nipping is when you get to see the full diameter of the nip. its like for that brief 4-5 seconds you can fully imagine the girl right there next to you nipping her thangs off, silk sheets, candles, uhhh shit... (i need to stop blogging from bed)

so i will stop the rant there. i need to get my head straight before i drive for 5.4-5.8 hours to the ville. vicklanta is dryer than katzs mother after a good shag a desert. i.e. no nugs. i.e. boring road trip i.e. no cops to worry about.

see ya tuesday.ish.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

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7 Burning Questions with Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson. actor, director, father, christian. over the course of his career he has varied widely on his choice of movie roles and characters... mad max, officer riggs, jerry the conspiracy nut. the list goes on and on. but who is mel gibson? what are his goals, his obsessions? why does he hate the jews so much? well, we're about to find out.... as mel takes the hot seat with vicklanta correspondent Dink E. McTubesteak.

7. Do you feel any shred of guilt about being a major A-list star in hollywood after you launched your career from a ridiculous movie from the 80s, Mad Max.
In all honesty, Mad Max was my best work yet... i mean who doesnt want to be a badass biker cop in the middle of a barren wasteland fighting motorcycle gangs? the script was amazing, the special effects and sound dubbing over australian accents was so accurate, not to mention how realistic the storyline was. if i could do it all over again, i wouldnt change a thing. we are actually in production now on Mad Max 4: Fury Road. Look for it to crack the bottom 50.

6. Lets talk a little bit about your movie character's common traits. Braveheart, The Patriot, Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, We Were Soldiers.... blood hungry much?
I receive this criticism a lot from people in hollywood or my fans or the internet. I mean, what more can i say...i have a longing, a craving for gore in movies. the more fake blood and ridiculous ways to kill people the better. my favorite scene was the massacre i laid out on the british soldiers in the patriot. 1 man and 2 boys vs. 16 soldiers.... hell ya thats realistic.

5. Whats your favorite Lethal Weapon explosion scene?
Good question....there are so many. i would have to say the exploding toilet was classic film study material... thats gotta be my fave.

4. So you know we have to talk about the Passion for a little. How do you feel about the obvious marketing ploy to create a media-hyped controversial movie about Jesus Christ and selling it to the largest consumer group in the world?
I like money, and i dont mind selling my soul to retell the story as gory as i want to. Just like cartman creating a christian rock group and selling out, i figured the best way to cash in was through jesus as well.

3. 4.1 million DVDs in one week day(!), why is there such madness surrounding this movie??
Well, I honestly think it is just due to the latin craze. as you know, the movie is in complete latin... no english. i am just glad i could capitalize on the likes of enrique iglesias, santana, and that one guy who shaks his bon bon everywhere.

2. Do you want a beer?
No, I have been sober since the 90's.
Do you want some coke?
Shit man! i thought youd never ask... how in the hell do you think i stay so perky and anxious to cut someones throat or beat someones ass or shoot someone to death with a nail gun! AHHHH!

1. In 1985 you were named the very first People Magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive'. Who did you have to blow to get that nomination?
Ted Turner.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

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96 rock vs. 93 dave fm

if anyone in this town knows anything about classic rock, it is common knowledge that david and goliath are fighting over our dollar dollar bills for listening coverage. david, represented fittingly by 93 Dave FM(formerly 92.9 Z93). goliath, the longtime contender belt wearing heavyweight tko mother fuckers of rock 96.1 96 ROCK.


i hope everyone follows. smart people, explain it to the stupid ones. so its 2 pm, lunch break is over. i am driving in shitty ATL rain combined with shitty ATL drivers who are all in shitty ATL traffic. picture that before you move on. i am tko'ed myself but i am a good driver, so its all chedda... Dave FM is on the dial. Bittersweet Symphony, by the Verve comes on. What a fucking summation of all that is fucked up and ungodly in the world. you ready for the lyrics? here goes:

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die.
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet yeah,
No change, I can change I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change- my mold
No, no, no, no, no

OK, so now I switch over to 96 rock once the commercial cuts and here is what happens. Southside Steve, who is like a redneck racist funny attacks everyone ridiculous stereotyping to the point of irony radio DJ. he goes... were just rockin out on this rainy wednesday. and im steve and im here to ROCK! U2 Streets Have No Name comes blaring out of my stereo. I crank up the bose... this shit is fucking real rock!

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name
I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name(3x)

See the difference? how much better is 96 rock's rainy day song than 93 dave fm's rainy day song? 96 rock pumps you up despite the fact that its shitty out. dave fm makes you feel cold and empty and extra shitty on top of the shit. that is why in this story, goliath will always win over david. you cant make your radio's motto "playing all the shit that you dont hear on the radio" because it just translates into "playing all the shit you never want to hear again on the radio". 96 rock remains champ of the classic rock radio. now they need to bring back the regular guys. BRING BACK THE REGULAR GUYS!

Dude, I Blogspotted My Sheets Last Night

its true, i woke up this morning with 16 in the clip and one in the hole. nate dogg was about to make some bodies turn raw.

so i did my thang this morning. twas nice. hop into infinit, roll to twerk. on the way i see a funny bumper sticker... it really needs to be on my car, i think i might make one at kinko's soon.

It's Time to Trim the Bushes

So 99x, who has pretty much been the consistent leader in all things rock in this town has this badass new morning show, the 90s at 9. i think that superweb users out there can tune in online, just go to:

sorry that my bloggies keep getting more hodgepodge and less 'topic' but, whatever. i always have random shit to say. i'll save the sports shit til the end. so after hearing about politics and democrats and seeing barbara bush speak about the character of her ridiculous son, i have come to one conclusion: i could (still) not give a fuck about politics. i dont understand why we all get so worked up over politics when we really cannot do shit about what goes on there. i mean, yes we collectively elect someone to be prez but how the fuck do we know what he's going to do once elected. how do we even know that he is calling all the shots... what if colin powell has everyone by the balls. well that wouldnt be so bad. depends on the grip.

(see cleveland steamer discussion below for possible explanation)

another thing... i have a major problem with being pc. people who are pc all the time are fucking lame. grow some fucking nuts and say whatever you wanna say. but for as many crazy and ridiculous comments i make when in eyeshot of big boobs and earshot of my buddies, the one word i still cannot stand is fag. i just think its a fucking weak insult to throw at someone, not to mention its just not a cool word to blow up. fags are cigarettes in euro. tons of people out there are gay now...get used to it. what is the point of blowing up the 'f' bomb? it should just be filed under words we cant say.

Last night, DeAngelo Hall, our first draft pick for the falcons got injured, a fractured hip on a busted up cincy fly route. mother fucker! fuck pre-season injuries, now my draft order needs to be reworked.

The Yankees lost in yankee stadium to Cleveland 22-0. 22-0! that sounds like a fucked up football score. 22 runs on 22 hits. the replays were awesome on ESPN...the yankees were just drowning in misery. its the best way to break the camels back in baseball, just stuff the losing streak way up their fucking asses. joe torre said that there were some breakdowns, they need to take their lumps. ya i guess you could call it that... where i come from we call that a 'cleveland steamer'.

Also, the Braves closed out a spectacular August going 20W-8L. article: 'The Braves had double-digit hits for the 11th straight game, the longest streak in the majors since Seattle also did it in 11 straight in 2001.' Smoltz saved 11 games...he's so hot right now.