Jailbait

(to be read in cheesy dating show format voices)

Wellllcome back everybody, this is:


the show that hooks up fresh fish with the old guard in a good old fashion game of prison dating. There will be 3 rounds and at the end, our contestant will pick who his/her ideal choice for being somebody's bitch in jail shall be.

Tonights contestant, a popular television personality, multi millionaire who cooks, cleans, and sautees with the best of them. put your hands together for maaaartha stewwwwart!


And tonights 3 prison lackees are....
Laqueeta Jones, 46, convicted of smothering her abusive boyfriend to death with her mammoth lips and breasteses.

Hadassim Sumbabli Patel, 48, convicted of drowning both her children in a bath tub full of baby oil. When arrested she was found comatose on a cheap couch getting double stuffed like an oreo.

Ellen Karyupov, 38, russian mobster who mysteriously blended in as a man deep in the underground mafia until her arrest. Gotti's crew claimed to know it all along.

OK, now that youve met the contestants, lets get started with Round 1: Getting to Know You.
Martha, go ahead and start off the questions.

Martha: Thanks Phil. Contestant 1, if i had a really rough day in the laundry room, what would you do to make me feel better?
Laqueeta: Well Martha, i would come to your cell during breaktime and give you a nice long back rub...maybe nibble on your little ears a little... then bend you over my knee and..... spank you like my little prison bitch.
Martha: Ooooh, sounds kink. Contestant 2, if i were to whip you up a fabulous dish of patee and filet mignon, what could i get in return?
Hadassim: well, i have never heard of these things. but if you cooked anything for me it would be better than how my old bitch treated me. she wouldnt even pick the warts from my bound feet. if you did that for me, you could whip me any way you want.
Martha: That would make a greeeat rainy day activity. OK contestant 3, what would you do to me if i was being a naughty naughty little girl?
Ellen: Martha. If you act out of place as my prison bitch, i will crush your head worse than stalin crushed an entire country. there will be no naughty naughty when i am around.
Martha: Wow phil, you all sure picked a naughty trio here....

Thanks martha, and now on to Round 2. OK in this round, each contestant gets to ask Martha a question.

Laqueeta: Are you a big fan of big lips smacking your hood around?
Martha: My my my, if i hear you correctly, youre asking me if i enjoy some cunnilingus. Who doesnt? Wow, I feel like a criminal for saying something like that on tv. Laqueeta, if i end up with you as my prison bitch, i look forward to long nights of passion between the bacteria infested sheets.
Hadassim: Martha, I am a reserved muslim woman who is hell bent on breaking out. Would you help me to escape?
Martha: Oooh, i dont know hadassim. i am so rich that i hired the best lawyers in the country to help me avoid prison time. even though i have to go, i dont foresee myself breaking out with you. besides, there are plenty of carpet munchers out in the real world when i am free to roam.
Ellen: what is your take on S&M? i like to beat the bloody pulp out of my bitches.
Martha: glad you asked, allan. to me, nothing says cozy like a good set of thick anal beads plunged up the 2hole. that or a nice flogging across my pasty white cheeks. i usually like to cry afterwards, hopefully youll slap me around for misbehaving. does that answer your question?

WOAAAHHH a little too much info there martha. OK now on to the final round. This is the lightning round so Martha is going to say a word and each of you say the first word that comes to mind. Ready? OK... go.

Martha: Refrigerator
Laqueeta: Chicken
Hadassim: Chickpeas
Ellen: tundra

Martha: Hairy
Laqueeta: my upper lip
Hadassim: my cankles
Ellen: my armpits

Martha: Prison Guards
Laqueeta: do-able
Hadassim: terror
Ellen: sexy

Ohhh and thats all the time we have for the rounds. Martha Stewart, have you made your decision yet?

Martha: I sure have Chet. Laqueeta, your responses make me think you are a tremendously overweight black chick who just wants to bust a high-class white girl. im sorry, i cant let your mitts touch these wonderful breasts. Hadassim, i dont know how to put this but... i am just not into arabs. call me a racist, but i just cant do it. sorry. I choose Allan. She sounds like she knows what she's doing, she could probably kick someone's ass over my sweet virgin ass, and she sounds like a butch white chick. I know she will make me a great prison bitch.

Well Folks, looks like we scored another happy couple here... stay tuned next week when a white collar sexual harassing boss meets the boys from upstate. On.... JAILBAIT!