My Good Man, I Challenge You To A Duel

Thats right. a duel sir. Zell Miller is the biggest crackhead on the planet. For those of you who dont know zell miller or his crazy democratic-turncoat-republican-bush-supporting methods, he is a crazy senator from georgia who had such a bad time on Hardball that he challenged Chris Matthews to a duel. A DUEL!


(zell approaches his sworn enemy, but matthews has 'the force' on his side)
so zell is 'hard'balled up for some fightin words.... here are mine...

----------------------Top 10 List of People/Things I Challenge To A Duel
10. Dr. Phil
I have had the unfortunate pleasure of catching a few minutes of this show after jeopardy ends... this guy is the worst form of out-of-touch-50-year-old-talks-down-to-teens trash tv talk show host i have ever seen. did i get my 'phil' today? how about i get some fun boys to fill you up like a twinkie factory. dissapear.

9. John Stamos, Bob Saget, and Dave Coulier
The three dads from my 80s childhood, Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey, and Danny. Since starring in that magnificent moral-teaching sitcom, here is a little update of their careers:
.- John Stamos, divorcing his only claim to legitimacy in hollywood, no movies, no tv to date.
.- Bob Saget, americas funniest home videos AND dick-sucking-coke-fiend in half baked, uncredited
.- Dave Coulier, its too sad to mention... go ahead, just click and see for yourself.
The reason I call for a duel is to free the lovely twins and hot lori loughlin from the haunting memories of awful one-liners and cut...it...out jokes


8. Kevin Costner
Man...you were on a roll! Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, Dances with Wolves, the Bodyguard. These are A-list classic movies in the realm of money/sales/etc. then it all went to sham in the big budget bomb waterworld...the most expensive movie until titanic. after that its just dribbling, sappy, bad script, worse acting flicks like The Postman, For the Love of the Game, and Open Range. You were such a badass in robin hood, and you were such a lame ass in thirteen days. fight me so that i can end your undeserving life.

7. SNL (2000ish-present)
The funny, which used to be standard for this show, pretty much faded away in the late 90s. There have been some head turners, i personally find horatio sanz to be the funniest person on air now. jimmy fallon was good, but he's gone. will ferrell, not sure why it took him as long as it did to leave. lorne, if you need funny writing... i could probably come work part time. but buddy, you need either some new sketch players or some new ideas or just something... because what youre doing right now is definitely NOT FUNNY. the worst of the n.f. offenders...



6. Russel Crowe
Cocky, arrogant, hard to work with... dude, youre just a grumpy new zealander with nothing but gripes and complaints about life. stop being such a cock-knocker and fight me to the death you pussy!

5. Tom Shane
Now some of you may not know who tom shane is right away.... but i can drop a few hints to see if you recollect. radio commercial. monotone. jewelry. bridal rings. now you have a friend in the diamond business. got him now? ya...who doesnt want to kill the fucking man behind that commercial?

4. Spongebob Squarepants
I dont know what the hype is about. i have never seen you. i dont even know what your voice sounds like or where your sense of humor lies. but i do know youre a fad, and that youre suspiciously homo, and if you were right here in the cube with me, i would be taking you down a notch or two. seek advice from what happened to mooby in Dogma, then decide if death is the best claim to fame...for you, i see that happening.

3. Albert Pujols
I had to throw someone from sports in here... mvp this, mvp that. before we decide to name this jagoff the mvp for his amazing hitting/HR streaks for the cardinals thanks to: At just 24 years old, and through a little more than three-and-a-half seasons, he's racked up 127 Win Shares on the strength of 151 home runs, 171 doubles, 734 hits, 474 RBI, and some fine D, first at 3B and now at 1B, lets make sure that the cards can outhit and outpitch the braves for the NL playoff game. if i chop off his throwing arm by accident, can the cards even hold a candle in the competition? the braves are a fully functioning team, the cards are just nutswingers on pujols' chram. Fuck the st louis cardinals. Gooo braves!

2. Tipper Gore
I cannot think of a single person, be it politician or teenager or me who likes tipper gore. After she and her husband created the internet, they feasted their eyes on something much larger. The censorship of music. Now its called the 're-labelling' of music, but that parental advisory sticker was the most ridiculous fight i have ever seen. like all of a sudden parents didnt realize that kids could quite possibly hearing the f bomb on a music track. tipper claims to have been a child of the 60s rock... then what is with this turncoating? sellout shit. i challenge the inventor of the internet and the advisory sticker to a fucking deathmatch.

1. Carson Daly
You got that right, my number one all time desire to fight to the death would be with Carson Daly of MTV. After all, he is the reason why i have repeatedly had to switch to comedy central to get my programming. MTV. Music Television. ya know, like string a bunch of notes together and put a video in front of it. Not TRL, fucking boy band interviews, loud obnoxious cheering thirteen year old girls, little kids who wouldnt know good music if it checked into a room at eardrum inn, idiot hip hop stars who dont belong in the biz. oooh, can JKwon beat out Jessica Simpson for the #1 video this week? stay tuned to more crap coming up after these mindless teeny bopper commercials. not to mention that he acts arrogant and cocky like a fucking polo khaki shorts wearing ivy leaguer. and its not jealousy.. i mean, ive already been with Tara Reid and Christina... this guy deserves to be dueled, and if i knew how to wield a blade, you bet your ass this mother fucker is the first to go.

Runners Up:
- steven tyler's lips
- carrot top's hairdo
- dick cheney