Friday, July 30, 2004

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She's Not Just Someone's Little Sister Anymore

no not serena williams. not ashley judd or paris hilton. i am referring to the most ridiculous act in entertainment today. a late ticket holder on the poppy teeny hottie girl mickey mouse club train. a girl who walks with her head high and her soul sold to satan aka geffen records. a piggybacker who knew she could market herself to MTV because they actually stooped low enough to market her retarded sister too. the perfect example of why in 2014, america will look back on this day and ask ourselves: why lord. why did we listen to Ashlee Simpson.
Here in a photo shoot we see whats really going on in those big blonde heads.
A:(thinking) ugh, bitch, dont touch me
J:(thinking?) i have no idea where i am, whats going on, or who this girl is

7 Burning Questions with Ashlee Simpson
7. Let me set up this scenario. a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck. comment.
      Thank you so much for having me-- i cant resist a good blog. Ya, I have my new album out in stores now. i really think its gonna be totally awesome you guys. i really just wanted to do something different than everyone else. my producer was great, we totally bonded. i like, really love this album. oh and im not just jessica simpson's sister.

6. So what hurts worse, selling your soul to satan or selling your soul to mtv?
     Well, i would have to go with mtv. selling your soul to satan is pretty easy... he is always willing to take on new talent. besides, the word on the street is that once you move out to LA you have to sell your soul to someone to be anyone. mtv requires a lot more groveling, ass kissing, meetings for the sake of meetings, and they usually have explicit rights to edit, change, or (re)write your lyrics as they see fit. there's good and bad, but either way its a whole lotta bling.

5. What is the quickest way to scam tons of your fans into making your album debut at #1?
     Oh thats easy, just make a reality show. mine was about the difficulties and struggles a pop icon goes through to make an album. how you have to sing, and write lyrics, and work long hours in the studio, and make tons of cash. then you just air it right when the 13-18 age group gets home from school. was that the answer you were looking for?

um, nailed it.
4. Blonde or Brunette?
     i love my new hair color... i was sick of being looked at as a little jessica so i did something brash and rebellious on my reality show so everyone would see that i am not just someones little sister anymore. i think it really went well with the fans. theyre all i care about anyway. well that and the cash.

3. Speaking of your fans, shoobie mcvicker calls them, 'mindless peons who wouldnt know music if it slapped them upside the eardrum.' is that who you want listening to your music?
     thats the irony of this business... record companies used to toss albums like mine in the trash can when they got them in the mail. but once they lost any shred of integrity or self-respect, it was too easy to get the mindless peons to buy whatever we wanted them to. do i wish i could write better lyrics? sure. do i want older people to listen? sure. but do i care who is buying the album as long as its getting bought? not really.

2. Whats better: tuna fish or chicken of the sea?
     neither, i like red meat because im a rebel. grr.

1. 'You make me wanna la la in the kitchen on the floor/I'll be a french maid when I meet you at the door/I'm like an alley cat drink the milk up, I want more.' what in gods name does this mean?
     sounds like some teeny bopper hanson shit. who said it?
     oh. hmm. no comment.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

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Kentuckyism #1

Kirsten Dunst is single again. mmm, hear my plea. piiiilllooow tooop. piiilllooow top.
Funny name, funny story, funny coincidence.
Things are spicing up in Vicklanta.
Something to give you a pick-me-up in life 
Yan Katz, you get a point for calling that i would have to do this. According to my roomie, there are enough random weird and strange things that go on in kentucky that would necessitate a series of kentucky confessions. with that in mind

Kentuckyism #1
Every single spanish teacher in kentucky is completely and undeniably insane beyond repair. It sucks for the people reading who truly have not experienced the foreign language program in kentucky schools, but i assure you... i will describe it in full detail for the imagination.

Ms. Randolph
  Ms. randolph was fucking crazy. i mean, she had no fucking clue what kinda shit was going down in her middle school classroom. she is about 5'6, haitian, speaks french and spanish, and is definitely on some serious prozac. she was so nice and if she had taught any other subject, im sure we would have been sweethearts... but she taught spanish, and when you teach spanish you get fucked with. i remember a few things, memory is fading but... we used to fucking grab a whole box of chalk from her desk and just gun full pieces at each other from across the room. like when we would take a quiz you would just hear it whiz by you and shatter into tiny pieces against the wall. we convinced her all the time to just let us watch a movie. then we would sit in the back and play spades. Ms. randolph eats cheeseburgers too(inside joke). one time chiu and i had to do a presentation on items in the bedroom. since the only way i learned in school was to cheat off chiu, an oral presentation was going to be a bit difficult. instead of flunking us chiu convinced her to let us go outside in the halls to learn the necessary vocab. of course instead of staying on task we rolled down to Mr. Schmidts for some soda and a little goof off time.  anyhoo, michelle stories are more than welcome in the comments section. ella es muy loco.

Mrs. Taylor
  Mrs. Taylor was a nice christian lady who was actually fully american and enjoyed la vida that espanol teaching provided. She was the sponsor of the Spanish Club at du pont manuel, which in the public school system means no overtime and lots of sopapilla parties. her daughter, bethany taylor, was considered one of the hottest girls running from 1st thru 12th grade. I mean is that possible, to be hot at the age of 8 and 18? 8 year olds dude. anyway, she was about 5'1 and looked like a pear with mr. potato head eyes. big fucking eyes. uhh, im shuddering right now. they still haunt me late at night. mrs. taylor hated me and most of my friends because she knew we were fucking good at spanish, she knew we put forth effort in almost every other subject, and yet for some reason the unwritten rules of the spanish class called for chaos, irrational spanish translating, and lots and lots of cheating and naps. fucking bitch. is manda copsey gonna have to choke a bitch? next

Mrs. Wold
 Like Mrs. Taylor, Mrs. Wold was a very conservative christian lady with an extremely blonde and very tight like a tiger daughter stephanie. god damn, stephanie wold. mmm. she is the spitting image of a girls gone wild girl. i could never date her because her name is my sisters name (no, that is not kentucky confession #2.) but you see where im going here. The mother fucking hated us for hitting on her daughter. we all knew she was claimed, but who gives a shit. you get to the daughter you get to the mom. and what a fucking mom she was. mrs. wold was a fucking cunt of a teacher. i can honestly say that mrs. wold probably had the worst professional career of her life when we stepped into her classroom. she was the kinda lady who hated that corporal punishment was banned....but youd never know. instead she just stood there like a fucking bitch with her arms crossed speaking spanish to us like we fucking knew what she was saying. i dont think i could bring myself to hate fuck her, she's that bad. but her ridiculous pouty bitch attitude couldnt hold a candle to the truest and most fucked up spanish teacher of all time:

Roy Crady 
  Mr. Crady, a legend in his own mind, a man who many men and women fear. let me give you a little background on this shady fuck. he's about 5'8, buzzcut, army moustache, wears sunglasses in class. other job is to work at a halfway house. a halfway house is a place where criminals who are released from jail but are still on probation stay to be monitored. so by day, he teaches 16 year old kids. by night, he barrades and harasses ex cons. wow, good hire move. crady used to have these 5 or 6 assistants in every class. it was like the smartest kids and they usually had to do 1/3 of the workload as the rest of the class. the best part though was he would pull sporadic quizzes and if an assistant missed too many he fired them and picked a new one. i think i got it about half the way through the year and god damn i loved every minute of it. we even got to go out on the 4th floor roof and play sometimes. the best teaching tool in the whole world was of course the latin american hit Destinos. After a drunk survey at a bar, and calculating odds and accuracy, i would say that 19 out of 20 people who took spanish in high school had to watch Destinos at some point. rosaaaario, rosaaario. raquel juga futbol con paco y emilia. despite his crazy vietnam hooker stories and his wrong emphASIS on the wrong syLABble while telling long drawn out tales of bailando con mujeres espanolas, he taught me more spanish than anyone else had accomplished.

Spanish teachers in kentucky are all nuts. its a fact. find me a normal foreign language teacher in kentucky and ill find you a jewish girl who doesnt like louis vuitton.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

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Math, Byatches

So for the record, my knowledge base extends slightly beyond cartoon trivia, bong resin, and fashion doesnt go far, but i can hold my own in the math knowledge arena as well. So with that in mind, I figure I may as well write about two cool math related things that could be good for conversation about poker, cards, general proposition betting, etc.

Shuffling cards
Lets say you take a deck of cards. If you could perfectly shuffle the cards by splitting them exactly in the middle and then shuffle in right, left, right, left, etc.... all the way through, there are two types of shuffles. An in shuffle is where you start shuffling left to right. An out shuffle is where you start shuffling right to left.

   In Shuffle:    1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8    ==> top to bottom
                          1  2  3  4     5  6  7  8 ==> split into L and R
                          5  1  6  2  7  3  8  4            (top to bottom)

   Out Shuffle:  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8    ==> top to bottom
                          1  2  3  4     5  6  7  8 ==> split into L and R
                          1  5  2  6  3  7  4  8            (top to bottom)

The trick or trivia or whatever you wanna do to impress people is to ask: if you could perfectly shuffle a deck of cards by in-shuffling and shuffle another deck by out-shuffling, how many times does it take to get the deck back to its original order? The crazy part is it takes 52 perfect in-shuffles to return it to its original order. It only takes 8 out shuffles
A followup to this shuffling issue is, lets say youre in a home game and some jackass is shuffling the cards over and over and over. its like he thinks that by shuffling them a ridiculous amount of times it will spread the high cards out. It has been proven that 3/2 log2 n (n = # of cards in the deck) shuffles is sufficient, so for a deck of 52 thats about 8 or 9 shuffles.


Birthday Proposition
This math problem is basically to try to figure out in a room full of people, what the odds are that two people in the room have exactly the same birthday. When you ask someone to try and think about it, usually they will come up with 1/365 * 1/365 is the odds two people have the same birthday. Unfortunately, this is one of those crazy math problems.

Instead of going at it from same day, calculate the odds that two people will NOT have the same birthday. so in a group of n people with d being the number of possible days (365), if n=2, the odds that they will not have the same birthday is (d-1)/d. the odds that three people will not is (d-1)/d * (d-2)/d. with n people, it works out from:

or simply put:

This number is really hard to figure out if you dont have a ridiculous scientific calculator, but basically that Q1 is the odds that n people do NOT have the same birthday. since the denominator is increasingly bigger, Q1 is heading towards zero as the number of people increases.  if you calculate 1-Q1 then you are calculating the odds of two people with the SAME birthday. Q1 gets smaller as n gets bigger, which means as more and more people are added your odds become exponentially higher that 2 will have the same day.
If you are really fucking confused right now and you have no idea whats going on, i think you should just download this little program i made and youll see what i mean. (you need to have microsoft access 2000 or better to view)
If you are ever at a lame party or ya know, you just need to impress a medium sized group of people, you can definitely lay odds on the possibility that two people in the group have the same birthday. So even though there are 365 days in a year,
just as an example:
30 people, the odds are 70.63% that two people have the same bday.
35 people, the odds are 81.43% that two people have the same bday.
40 people, the odds are 89.12% that two people have the same bday.
46 people, the odds are 94.82% that two people have the same bday.
i will take 10% collectors fee for any of you who find a really big whale who wants his whole bankroll taken.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

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7 things guys do that they never tell girls

7. sniff test - when we havent done laundry in awhile, or we just threw some jeans on the floor the night before, the next day if said jeans need to be worn, a guy will lift them to his nose, smell for cigarette smoke, beer spills, and general wear and tear. if the jeans pass the smell test, they go on immediately. (russ rochestie sniff tests his boxers sometimes)

6. the morning after - no not that morning after! when guys sleep over at your place they pretty much cannot relieve any bathroom urges while they are there...its impossible. so the next morning, when they say goodbye and shut the door behind themselves to go home, they wait a little 3 second buffer and then all hell breaks loose. long, 8-hour-waiting-to-creep-out farts just go hurling out. its true, bet.

5. shades at the pool - guys do not wear sunglasses at the pool to block the sun from their eyes. their sole purpose is to look at girls more discreetly. never in the history of (straight) men has a guy complained about sun in his eyes at a pool, he's really just complaining that he cant gawk at hoes.

4. saying goodbye - everyone is all fucked up over how to say goodbye these days. guys sometimes just say later dude and walk out. sometimes we knock fists and say laaterrr. sometimes there is like a little half handshake that turns into some weird game of goodbye thumb war...sometimes a snap is caused making the goodbye real cool before saying see ya dude. the trouble is when one person is going for the handshake and another is going for the fist.
immediately upon seeing the fist, the handshake guys will turn into fist. simultaneously, the fist guy will turn into handshake to accomodate as well. then there is maybe a round or two of back and forth before some lame joke is cracked and the goodbye is extended.

3. cell phone tact - i may get murdered for this, i know how much you yatches love talking on your bling blings. but...if you are talking to a guy for an extended period of time and he decides that the allotted time for conversation has been surpassed, he will hold the cell phone away from his ear and proceed to half-hear you until it is time to hang up or until he senses quiet on the other end, a pause for perhaps some air and a chance to hear what he has to interject on the topic. if he is in a room with any other guys in it, be it 1 or 10, he will exaggerate your longwindedness by holding the cell phone away from his ear, rolling his eyes at his homies, and may even hand signal a joke about you without you ever knowing.

2. silent communication - girls think that they hold the trophy over this concept that they can have an entire conversation without any words. its just eye movement and head nods, even lips moving with no sound. but, men have the exact same capability... we can communicate very precise and accurate silent transactions in almost any environment. the difference is that when you are out with a group of guys and girls, when a girl gets caught signaling to her friend by a guy, girls will freeze like deer in headlights. guys can be smooth about covering up their signals when they are caught by girls...which leads me to my #1...

1. lies - we all tell lies, may as well be honest about it. now i am not talking about big lies, lies that are deep and get you in trouble when the truth surfaces.... guys suck at those lies, girls see right through us. i am talking about the little white lies. guys tell white lies on a daily basis. i cant give any personal examples for fear of getting trampled upon, but just trust me when i say guys have perfected this habit.
CHRISTY: What do you guys do?
MIKE: I'm a comedian.
(More uncomfortable silence.)
LISA: Do you ever perform out here? I'd love to see you.
MIKE: No...
LISA: You should. A lot of comics play Vegas.
MIKE: Well, I'm afraid it's not that easy...
LISA: Why not?
MIKE: There are different circuits... it's hard to explain... you wouldn't understand...
LISA: Well who's your booking agent?
MIKE: (flustered) Oh? You know about booking agents... I don't, uh, actually have west coast representation as of yet...
LISA: Well, who represents you back east?
MIKE: Actually, it's funny you... I'm actually, uh, between...
LISA: What do you do, Trent?
TRENT: I'm a producer.
BOTH GIRLS: Wow... Oooh... Ahhh...
(Mike rolls his eyes at how full of shit he is.)
He may be full of shit, but he's just tryin to get his. take this column with a grain of salt, apparently i generalize too much... all i know is, these are 7 things ALL guys do and have done that they never tell to girls.

Monday, July 26, 2004

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You Got Punk'd

So america is in love with ashton kutcher. somehow his crew of punkers successfully pulled off 2 seasons with no one calling them out. its always fun to watch big name celebrities get fucked with, and besides kutchers obnoxious and longwinded comic commentary, the show is pretty enjoyable. But just like anything we see on tv, the idea is to enjoy watching as long as you dont pull punks on your friends as well. Unfortunately, not everyone takes to this and a few months ago, two of my buddies decided to punk each other. Now this story is third-hand, so not all the details are there.

Jason Scherr, white male, 22, golf team, from the great state of Tejas
Brian Nixon, white male, 20, golf team, from north currolina
Keith Rourke, white male, 21, golf team, original teller of the story
B.C., black dude, 21, funny dude to smoke with, pledge at the time.
several other large pledges in my old fratty

rourke in blue on left, scherr in tan on right.
(ps--popped collar fanatic KB happens to be furthest left in the back)

Scherr and Nixon live in buckhead, in a phat condo that boasts a projection screen tv, columns, plush rugs, etc. Basically they have some nice cash flow in that place, lots of nice things, computers, tvs, tons of real nice shit. They have been friends since college and we're all in the same frat. Rourke, his girlfriend, scherr, nixon, their girlfriends...theyre all in the same crew, they hang out all the time.

One night they all decide to punk Nixon and the gist of it was that rourkes girlfriend would act like she was cheating on him... with rourkes roommate. they wanted to see how long it would take nixon to confide in rourke that she was cheating. this punk dragged on for like a month... nixon felt so bad about it and yet he could not work up the guff to tell rourke he thought his lady was cheating on him. eventually one night they sprang it on nixon that no one was cheating on anyone and he got punk'd. the problem was, for some reason, the whole cheating thing didnt sit well with nixon... probably something from his past, who knows. he got really upset at them for making him stress about it for like a month. so, nixon decided to take his revenge out on scherr. he would re-punk these punks.

So Nixon grabbed B.C. and told him to get a few more pledges. they were to dress in all black and wear ski masks and the whole bit, dress up exactly like robbers coming for a score. One night when nixon knew scherr was asleep in bed, he had B.C. and crew come over to their condo, he left the side porch door open. So these three guys dressed in all black with ski masks go into scherrs bedroom. and they have some bags with them, they start tossing his cd's and watches, xbox, all of it into the bags.... they are purposefully trying to make a lot of noise but scherr is just not waking up at all. so 2 of them go to lift his tv while B.C. makes a loud ass noise to wake scherr up in the middle of this "robbery." they shine a flashlight at him and scream OH SHIT! he's awake! and then the madness begins.

Scherr is fucking frozen, like he doesnt know what to do. he's in his boxers and there are three dudes in ski masks in his room lifting all his shit. B.C. begins to scream. Get your fucking hands up! where the fuck is your jewelry man? weve been scouting your place for days...where the fuck is it! get on the fucking floor where we can see you. youre fucking lucky we dont kick your ass for waking up little bitch. and on and on, imagine all the things a black dude would scream at you if he was robbing your house. so apparently scherr tries to dial 911 while they are doing all this shit. YO! he's calling someone.... who the fuck are you tryin to call man. the fuckin police?

scherr is like, half crying, just take whatever you want man, take it all...basically all the shit you would say to 3 guys robbing your house, just like in the movies. he's shaking, his face is ghost white. he's soaked in sweat. he cannot do shit, he's helpless to stop it.

after this went on for about half an hour (! can you believe?) nixon pops his head in and he screams: You Got Punk'd! the lights come on, the pledges take off their ski masks, and scherr fucking flips his shit. he was fucking scared to death. he was on the verge of tears it was so crazy, ya know. needless to say, nixon got his punk'd revenge tenfold compared to the lame first punk. and that is officially the last time anyone fucked with nixon again.


How was everyones weekend? Mine was fucking crazy. i got some yatches number on a friday but i couldnt call it back on saturday because A, i didnt remember her name, and B, the convo was lame but it was a lock. in cases such as these its best to call up on monday (after you get the name through 6 degrees of kevin bacon) and set some shit up for tues-thurs night. on a side note, i did happen to follow my saturday rule though, if anyone remembers that one. thanks to all my friends who officially skanced out on the pink pony and left me and jonny mcfucks to tend to all that other shit. oh and if anyone can somehow get me a digi-copy of karaoke night that would be pretty sweet. peace niggars. booyakasha.

Friday, July 23, 2004

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The King of Late Night

I bet when you first see that title, you might think i am going to talk about conan vs. letterman and why conan is ridiculously more funny in an infinite amount of ways. Or maybe you think the king of late night is some sexual deviance story about a lonely jewish boy who disappears late night to eek out some play. But no my friends, the king of late night is related to food.... damn good food. So good that as long as you have 2 bucks and a sober d, you are guaranteed a one way trip to heaven. thats right, i am talking about the wonder that is Waffle House.

In louisville, there are hardly any of these meccas of greasy nastiness. Dennys is the spot. Theres the dennys off breckenridge lane which was good for late night food after a crappy movie. then theres the more upscale one out by chiu and mcalister where they looooove black people. waffle houses are in the south end (i believe) and i can honestly say that before georgia, i had never been to one.

Cut to sophomore year. Now I have a car in atl and can explore at my whim. Of course i was stuck in the bubble, so it took someone else to utter the words: off campus. but asher or katz were always down for that 3 am waffle house run. the best part about atlanta is not just the plethora of waffle house chains to choose from, its the environment that each individual waffle house provides that surpasses any other late night eating station.

The one off Cheshire Bridge Road-- for those of you who dont live here, cheshire bridge is home to the finest strip of sleazy sex clubs (gay, straight, beastial) in atlanta. there are head shops, 4 strip clubs, taco cabana, and of course what corner wouldnt be complete without a waho. this locale attracts mainly gay or crossdressing patrons, who make loud obnoxious scenes and are definitely the most scary and yet most entertaining to watch. ways to fit in: wear leather, wear chains, dye your hair punk colors, kiss the other guys youre with.

The one off Sydney Marcus-- this one is kinda lame, in the middle of a strip mall. But, one time katz and i were there and this dude who kinda looked homeless but probably wasnt, was wearing one of those 70s jackets with the patches on the elbows, wrinkled pants, no socks, no shoes. that rule does not apply to waho, EVERYONE gets served there.

The one off Buford Highway-- as mentioned before, buford highway is the base of operations for sergios tanning salon. many many mexicanos. also close by is the pink pony, so this place gets some spillover from sleazy stripclub men who after a long night of just looking at boobies and vajines decide that nothing would hit the spot more than some hash browns scattered smothered and covered. This is the closest waho to emory, but attracts the most diverse crowd.

I believe the nastiest thing i have ever been witness to at waho is when nick johnson got hungry there. back in his pre-"jesus rescues all" stoner drunken buffoon days, this kid looooved waho. he loves bbq and collards, but he loves waho even more. johnson is the only kid i have ever known EVER to order the t-bone steak and eggs from waho. i mean, it aint exactly ruths chris here...we are talking about grade C- meat, a stick of butter, 2 eggs, toast, and hashbrowns. Despite these heart-stoppers, he didnt hesitate to scream HOOOT DAAAMN! afterwards.

I really havent been to waffle house since i graduated.... i guess i dont really have a sober driver and drunkin donuts is a good substitute. But anytime a northerner came to emory and was oblivious to this cultural phenomenon, it was always fun to induct them into the waho club. you even get a FREE paper hat with your first visit.

misty and reba will smother, cover, and dice you

Have a great fucking weekend!

Thursday, July 22, 2004

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My New Pastime and My Old Nemesis

I love movies...ever since we got our first VCR in 1987... I even remember our first recorded VHS tape held Rad, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and Adventures in Babysitting. Damn those were the days. I would say with the invention of the VCR, plus my dads similar obsession with movies, we racked up about 400 hours or so of unadulterated, commercial-free, movie archives. After this hobby drifted off into oblivion, the movie collection was just memories... new movies were coming out, sometimes 3-5 a week on hbo/showtime/cinemax. i remember we even sat down and for 2 weeks we tallied all the movies on those three channels for like five different criteria and decided that hbo had the best lineup (as it does to this day) unless youre looking for that late night put a sock over it and pass out kinda night.

The video industry kinda got weird... tons of local video stores opened up shop. i just remember even kroger had a video rental place at one time. and they had some damn good deals too, 99c wednesdays and shit like that. somehow out of the dust that settled after this industry developed, Blockbuster inc (founded 1985) came out of the pool and opened up shop all over the united states. To date they have 8900 stores and of course there is no such thing as a franchise, its all corporate.

is this man not the devil himself (CEO far right)

The problem is, there are clearly way cooler video stores... places in atl include Movies Worth Seeing and Videodrome. Local shops where the employees are not just droning robots who chant "welcome to blockbuster" and "can i help you find anything today?" and they actually have some respect for the industry and genres and ya know, can actually recommend movies to you based on other movies you rent. These local shops will probably be all but oblivious in the next 10 years or so, but I wish they held the majority of the market share, oh well.

So obviously unless your pakistani friend works at Hollywood Video, you have to go to blockbuster to get all your new releases. What is a consumers biggest pet peeve about blockbuster in the whole entire world ever ever? fucking late fees. i cannot rant or rave about the late fees, since its kinda cliche to, i will just say this... if you google "blockbuster late fees" there are about 50,000 results, all people complaining about blockbusters ridiculous late fee policy. if there are so many complaints, and blockbuster is so corporate, what is the possible solution to all this fiasco?

netflix. mmm, just saying the word makes me smile. i feel like everyone who is on the internet or under the age of 30 knows what netflix is, but in case you dont, go here. i personally decided to follow in my fathers footsteps and make a new little hobby for myself. i cant go into it without interpol on my ass, but lets just say it involves this, this, and 8 movies at a time for like 40 bucks a month. when i get the little red envelopes in the mail, its like channuka all over again. 8 presents at a time. with one day to ship and two days to return, we're looking at anywhere from 15-20 movies a week coming through my little factory. the best part is: NO MORE LATE FEES! no more mother fucking shitty corporate profit hunting late fees.

so today, the devil came out with a statement saying Blockbuster vows to go after Netflix. (full article) Unfortunately, this forces me to take action. 2 million people are on netflix right now... and they are expanding their business like crazy. if you live in one of the 40 biggest cities, you can probably get next day rentals. netflix is run on a website, so you have a queue of all the movies you want to rent. you can add, delete, move up and down, anything you want. they get the new releases the day they come out. i had starsky and hutch sitting in my mailbox yesterday and it was released on dvd yesterday. once you rank movies, it starts to give you a whole list of recommendations based on genre, actors, directors. its like six degrees of kevin bacon. my netflix queue has yet to drop below 100. and i already have 200 movies. and they have all tv shows, ie family guy, simpsons, friends, sopranos, whatever. and they have documentaries. and concerts. and foreign films.

So please, from the bottom of my heart to the bottom of your wallet, do not give blockbuster another fucking dime with their late fee shit. you know you hate it, why not just rent through netflix and return it when YOU want to? and if youre really smart, youll cut out that whole buying dvds at target thing all together.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

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Krispy Kreme gone mad

Krispy Kreme donuts are gods gift to man. Now I understand that this statement may receive some heat...i'm sure there's some random mom and pop store back home in long island that serves up the best donuts on earth. But in terms of corporate america donuts, krispy kreme takes the icing.

The nastiest thing i have ever seen in relation to krispy kreme is by none other than my main jewish media infiltrator Asher Levine. Despite his asinine commentary on all topics, he also has a penchant for these warm, gooey donuts that seem to melt in your mouth. One day me, fucks, and ash were at tortillas (previously gods gift to man before closing time) and we had hauled enough burrito and chips to feed somalia. after drowning mine in red & green, i just wanted to get home to sit on the can, maybe catch up on my summer reading. Asher wants to make a side trip to krispy kreme to haul a few donuts. bro, no way you can eat any donuts after torts. blasphemy. sure nuff, asher bought a dozen and piped down 2 in the car on the way home. is the word vomitable a legitimate real word? because thats what it was.

krispy kreme has also come in on the clutch after several rainy music midtown nights. what better sketchy parking lot to be in than a ponce krispy kreme when youre covered in mud and sweat and rain and 10,000 other concert attendees are all trying to skance 1 donut off your fresh hot piping box of 12. or when outkast is about to come on and clouds are just covering the entire sky and you make the call to leave the concert to beat all the rain, go into KK and grab a doz, hail a cab, and as you open the door the sky unloads rain over those idiots who stayed to watch 1/2 of stankonia have to cancel his performance anyway.

krispy kreme has developed many different flavors over the years, but obviously no one can stray from the bread and butter of donuts, original glazed. check out some of these statties:

  • Every day, Krispy Kreme makes about 5 million doughnuts.
  • Every year, they make about 2 billion doughnuts.
  • Every week, they make enough doughnuts to reach from New York to Los
  • Every year, they use up two Olympic-sized swimming pools worth of
  • Every year, they use about 1 million pounds of sprinkles.
  • Collectively, Krispy Kreme's stores could make a doughnut stack as high as the Empire State Building (that's 1,454 feet or 443 meters) in only two minutes.

And with this reputation, this indisputable reign over the donut industry, why mess with a good thing? Krispy Kreme plans on releasing donut-in-a-drink.

Now you can fully experience glazed by getting an iced original kreme, raspberry, latte, or double chocolate. I know one man in the world who would not only eat donuts but also drink donuts if he could.

Krispy Kreme was founded on providing essential hot melty glazed donuts to satisfied southern customers. Dairy queen called, they want their hot eats cool treats idea back. No need to make a vomitable drink concept become your new marketing scheme to make more money. Stick with the original. This blog was absolutely not funny, i am ashamed for writing such blarg.

On a side note, my monday birthday concert was awesome-o and adam duritz and crew rocked out acoustic style. Why dont you come. in. out. of. the rain.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

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Ten Burning Questions with Stewie Griffin

If you dont know 10 burning questions, go here.
If you dont know Stewie Griffin, shoot yourself. or click this linky.
Stewie Griffin, some might say he's just an infant... a little stinky baby who poops his diaper and cries for mommy and candy. He has a crib, he has a teddy named rupert, he avoids potty training like its the plague, and he sneaks off in the airport with no disdain for his safety. Others, though, claim that he is brilliant. a man amongst little crying babies. one who can chew the fat with the good ol' boys in the country club, can develop high-tech conspiratory methods for destroying the earth and/or his mother in the blink of an eye, he even speaks to the family pooch. Vicklanta's own fake reporter had him on the hot seat.
(to be read with stewies voice in mind)
1.Whats your favorite brand of diaper?
    Well, first off i would like to say thanks sooo much for having me. it was greeeat meeting brenda in make up. she and i got along stunningly. i would have to say huggies with the aloe vera... nothing like a good minty freshness on your bum. hahaha. ha. ha... oooh, what a zinger to open it up with.
2.If you had to have a sexy paaaarty with just 3 people, who would they be?
    Well, hmmm. women, right? yes of coourse. i guess i would have to go with.... man this is a toughie. definitely vanna white, she has nice arms. i guess Judy Garland in her wizard of oooz days, i just loove that movie. and maybe jane jetson... i kinda have a thing for mothers.
3.Speaking of mothers, I heard youve made several unsuccesful attempts at her life.
    Ooohh, hush up you old hound. What mummy doesnt know wont hurt her, right? right?

4.Did you breast feed or has your head always been fucked up like that?
    What was that? How dare you insult me! i'll have you know that i have no biological necessity for that vile creatures "breast milk." i prefer a good scotch or a juice box, whatevers there. As for my head it involves a bizarre bedspring jumping incident that i would rather not talk about.
5.Who could win in a race of wits, you or brian the family dog?
    First off, let me just say... im afraid brian has some "issues", ya know what i mean? i give him guff all the time for his insaaaatiable drinking habits. sometimes brian is at a 9 when we need him at a 2, ya know what i mean? eh? hahaha. ha. ha. please, i am superior to him in all forms of intelligence. he's just a talking dog for christs sake. and look who his master is. i tell you, my whole family has some serious issues. i...yes, i might be the oonly noormal one.

6.Who are all the babies gaga-ing over in daycare?
    I'd have to say that Kirsten Dunst, she's soooo magnificent in spiderman 2. when she gets all wet, oooh, talk about gaagaaaaa. As for the gents, i would say that will smith. if he's into dancing i do a mean robot out at the clubs. even paris hilton complimented me.
7.Dont you wish you could scream out fuck, shit, bitch sometimes at home?
   Well, i dont know who you think youre talking to but i have never heard those words in my liife! i read the dictionary cover to cover, no mention of this shit. shit. hmm, i kinda like it, sounds like a tapioca pudding pie or something...whats it mean? 
8.Do you have a favorite between your two other siblings?
    Pleeeease man. meg, the depressed socially impressionable teenager just trying to fit in with the pretty girls. or chris, the dimwitted video game playing boob obsessed orca model of his father. hmmm, im going to have to go with pass on this question.
9.Whose more unoriginal? Cartman or Bart Simpson?
    Ooooh, tough one. They are both so original. I guess i will go with cartman, he's original now. bart was original in the 90s.  
10. So what kind of inventions are you working on now?
    Well, i'm sorta glad you asked that... ya see, i am kind of finished with this annhihilator 4000. ive been working out the kinks and, this interview is pretty much pissing me off, hang on let me test it out. Youve asked your last question! prepare to be destroyed!

Monday, July 19, 2004

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The Worst "B" Bands in the World

Some of you might know that I have this little idiosyncrasy about bands whose name begins with the letter B. I would say I hate about 70% of the bands in the world that begin with B, its just one of those random things. The "Big 3" of the Biggest B Bands in this world are: The Beatles, Billy Joel, and Bruce "Boss" Springsteen. Each of these musical icons have gained mass pop culture street credit through record sales, concert tours, triple platinum albums, etc. etc. But you know what? As far as I'm concerned they can all get bent.
The Beatles have sold blah blah amount of albums. they have 6 of the top 10 best rock songs ever. blah blah. one time the beatles said they were bigger than my eyes, they are smaller than a North American Feather-winged Beetle Nanosella fungi. (yay bug scientists!) they sound like shit. i was born in 1980, why should i be forced to say that some 60's hippie cultural revolution in music (from UK, i might add) should somehow find its way onto my daily rotae? every time someone says, "well have you listened to blah blah album?" yes dude, and i still hate the beatles. even sargent pepp-- yes, even sargent pepper. even lucy in the-- yes, even lucy and her fucking diamonds. i recognize that they influenced bands to this day, but that doesnt change the fact that they lick balls. i hate the beatles. moving on
Billy Joel is a duss. When I was 10 and listening to We Didnt Start the Fire, i had absolutely no concept of what good music was. uptown girl? fucking 80s style. the river of dreams? makes me want to puke. piano man? ehh, ok, this is obviously a good fucking song. but its better when someone else covers it.  the only thing i can think of that is positive about Billy Joel is: 

Bruce Springsteen. the boss. how in the world did this dude receive such a bold and B-hating title? Its because people from Jersey/Philly are the only ones who dont realize that Jersey is the armpit stain of america. Nothing good comes from Jersey (sorry tony soprano) except poofy hair, short skirts, hoop earrings, and loud obnoxious gum poppers. the only good song from this guy is secret garden from jerry maguire. it makes the panties drop.
Now you may think that calling these three B bands out is blasphemous. I just find it necessary to flush out shitty bands from classic rock radio. You may say, whatever, anyone who says these bands suck does not know shit about music. Ha! I recognize their influence but thats where i draw the line. if i am on a road trip in the back seat high and having a previously enjoyable time and this CD is put into the tray, i will never think twice about screaming BUZZKILL and calling these bands the worst fucking bands in the world.
Other "B" bands on the list

  • Beach Boys -- american classics? the beatles and the beach boys should go live on an island and play for each other if they are that revolutionary.
  • Babyface
  • Bette Midler -- haha, had to
  • Blessed Union of Souls
  • Blondie
  • Bob Dylan -- I mean come on, people who cover his songs are good. he sounds tone deaf.
  • Brandy
  • Brian McKnight
  • Britney Spears -- pure eye candy
  • Bubba Sparxx -- madden soundtrack is the highlight of his

Friday, July 16, 2004

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Movie Review for 07/16/04

Super Size Me--
This movie is about a fit, normal, health-conscious guy who embarks on one of the most grueling and vile quests... to find out how shitty McDonalds food really is. Yo, we all eat this crap... i prefer wendys or arbys but thats because they have dank baked potatoes and good sauces to throw in there. Obviously eating McDonalds for a month straight will fuck your shit up, but if you go see this movie i bet you will think twice about ever pulling a late night drive-thru move again. fun facts: i used to work at dairy queen, the only safe thing to eat is ice cream there. sometimes the cook would grill the top half of 15 burgers and leave it sitting there for 30-45 minutes until someone ordered and they could cook it the rest of the way through. fucking gross.

Fahrenheit 9/11--
Ahh michael moore. everyone has their take on this assclown, i personally think he is the worst kind of documentary filmmaker because he splices and cuts clips however he wants his point portrayed and does not give any logical solution to the questions he proposes. and yet i still say this movie is definitely worth seeing... it could be half-truths, yes, but i think the main facts from this movie will hold up as the real truth is revealed (if ever). the bush family, who has ties to the texas oil industry, has business partners with Osama's family. bush has appointed close friends to his cabinet to secure the billions of dollars this industry is worth to the arabs and the americans. bush is trigger happy and pre-emptively struck Iraq with no definite knowledge of a Saddam-led terrorist threat to america. i also like how he does not bag on the soldiers for doing their jobs, he shows them in a positive light, perhaps even victim to Bush's agenda. dont go to this flick high, its a good waste of gods gift to man.

Spider-Man 2 --
Definitely go see this one hi. Episode 2 features Doc-Oct and his 6 new robot arms. The movie definitely has some cheesy, comic book dialogue.... conversations between Peter and Aunt May are pretty lame, not really sure why she didnt get it in the first episode with the carjacked uncle. But, special effects are really good, action/fight scenes look badass, Mary Jane looks hot as hell. If you liked one youll like two. I have no idea why this movie was at the top of the box office for so long, but apparently it happens with all comic book movies so why should this be any different. and now, a sexy picture of the lady.

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story --
Vince Vaughn, Christine Taylor, Ben Stiller, and of course guest cameos (chuck norris and david hasselhoff in the same flick!) by all their mutual friends. I think this movie was pretty funny, vince vaughn's typecast characters are still entertaining, and having christine taylor as "cleanup" on your dodgeball team obviously cant hurt things. Unfortunately this movie is not even in the same realm of funny as zoolander and old school. Maybe on round 3, these guys will get it working again... You're going down like a sweet muffin!

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy --
Will Ferrell is one of the funniest men alive, which is why this movie shoulda coulda woulda been really good. Unfortunately, the script kinda falls flat and although there are some good little one liners that will be repeated an exorbitant amount of times every night out for the rest of the summer, i would have almost rather waited for the dvd to roll out instead. Christina Applegate is so fucking hot. hot hot hot. Steve Carell from the Daily Show was an unexpected co-star whose comic genius equals that of ferrell in this movie. the higher you are, the funnier this is. guest cameos include ben stiller, vince vaughn, and a very funny jack black dropkicking animals scene. 

Have a good weekend, i am going to be one old mother fucker soon. Perhaps i will soon have my quarter life crisis. peace, niggars.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

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10 Things Girls Shouldn't Do on Dates

1. Talk about other guys-- i dont care if its just friends or ex-boyfriends or whatever, there is one definitive truth on a date and that is not to talk about other guys while youre on the date with a guy. If it is necessary for the story, thats cool. if it is just extraneous details, no mentioning other boys.

2. Answer your cell phone-- yo, if you are on a date it is pretty rude to pick up your celly unless its for one of the following reasons. a, you pick up to say youll call back later. or b, its your (jewish) mother and you always pick up regardless of who youre with.

3. Ask the waiter too many things-- Its cute when a girl plays dumb or is really wondering what the ingredients are. But men by nature do not ask a ton of questions, so naturally we think of needless restaurant questions as an extension of our own ego and become embarassed if our date is asking an insane amount of questions. common ridiculous ones: whats better, dish a or dish b. i bet waiters loathe this question the most.... lady, how am i supposed to tell you what you want to eat more? Also, the popular: ill have the chicken sandwich, but can you put 3 tomatoes on top, slice the onions into 1 inch thick circles, and only put fresh iceburg lettuce on there, oh and can i switch out the fries for the chips and salsa appetizer?

4. Tell the guy beforehand you dont kiss on the 1st date-- if you say this, well... i guess good for you. making sure the guy isnt doing the date for one reason only. But i do have to tell you, if a girl ever said this to me i would definitely be more hard pressed to have a sweet time than if she hadnt said anything at all. it throws a guy off when you establish ground rules before a chance is even given to make an impression on you. plus, this is the 21st century, get over what your mother told you about being a lady. if you want to kiss a guy kiss him, if not dont. but dont like set limits, leave things open for you to say yes OR no.

5. Make a big deal over the guy paying-- some women will disagree (kliegmo) but i just assume that if i am taking a girl out then i am paying for it. its my treat and i wouldnt have asked you out in the first place if i didnt expect to pay. if its past date 2 and the girl wants to plan something and pay, i have no problem with that. but when it gets awkward over the paying part, guys take it as a sign that you are not interested in letting them make you happy. its like, they think you think they just want ass and that by paying they will get it. but in reality, they are just assuming the role that was passed to them by society as the ones who pay for dates...its that simple.

6. Fuck the guy-- opposite of the no kissing thing would be the fucking of the guy on the 1st date. By me saying this i endanger myself and all men who know the girls reading this, but... i dont care how well you spark or how well things click or if you just want to jump a hot guy you go out with for the 1st time. if you fuck a guy on the 1st date, he will just want to fuck instead of go out on dates, and you will have sealed the fate on anything more than being a fuckbuddy. (1st date anal is allowed)

7. Reveal too much fucked up family info-- If conversation is going really well and the guy asks about your childhood or your parents or your family situation, it would be EXTREMELY advisable to not reveal too much fucked up shit about your family on the first dates. if you have a funny little story that can relate their craziness to something relative, by all means. but a guy will freak out if he finds out your family is fucked up. deep down in the guys brain a little buzzer goes off that one day your fucked up family could be his fucked up family. you have to ease a guy into this idea.

8. Complain about things related to the date-- If a guy plans a date and really puts time and thought into it, he is not doing it for his own enjoyment, he is just trying to make the girl have a fun time so she will go out again. If a girl complains about how bad the food is, how slow the service is, how the summer is just too stifling, how the concert was bad, how the movie was boring, etc... the guy takes this as a personal mark on his ability to plan something fun. If you dont like the person, you are allowed to end it whenever during the course of the night. But if you dont like the activity, you really shouldnt complain about it until 3 minutes after he drops you off and you pick up your lar and dial all your yatchy friends to tell them about how shitty it was.

9. Ask the number question-- Yo, until sex is in the picture, it is not cool to blow up a guys spot on this issue. Just like in American Pie, most guys will lie no matter what and then they have to stick with their lie later on about the number. Also, no guy wants to hear early on what a girls number is. if its low, they assume one thing and if its high they assume another. same goes for the girl. wait until the situation is more comfortable and less prone to full out lying to ask this question.

10. Drag a guy to shit he would never normally go to-- now i know this is sometimes unavoidable, but there is a threshold of pain with guys and it can be reached very quickly with mentions of the words opera, play, broadway, susan sarandon, speaker, womens march, bon bons, ice skating, shopping spree, etc etc... you get the idea. if it is something you are passionate about then hopefully the guy will see that, but if it is just downright misery and you know the guy doesnt want to go to it, why put him through it at all? wouldnt you rather be happy with friends than miserable with a boyfriend?

Comments are more than accepted and encouraged.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

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Sketchball From the Six Flags Commercial

By now, if you are near a city with a six flags establishment (29 currently open), you have undoubtedly seen the commercial where the weird old guy dances around like a schmuck and gets people excited about going to six flags. He doesnt really do it for me, but maybe thats because he looks like a cracked out mix between Sopranos' Uncle Junior and cigar legend George Burns (linky... just in case)

Theme parks have to be one of the best possible ways to gain some adrenaline, drop a boatload of cash, and if youre hi you know its gonna be a fun ass day.

Before I do a list of top rides that I have ever been on, let me just say one more thing. The pirate ship concept, the idea of the stomach drop, has haunted me since i was a little boy. When i was about 8 i got on a pirate ship and definitely yarled all over the clothes of myself and my fellow landlubbers. it was a sad day in my life since it takes a fair amount of shit to get me embarassed. i tried again when i was 17, same exact shit. there are chronic bedwetters, i guess i am a chronic pirate ship puker. or maybe i am just the chronic, byatch.

List of My Top Rides in the USA (that I have ridden)

(fuck)Paramount's Kings Island, Cincinatti OH
The Beast

Still the World's Longest Wooden Roller Coaster for over 20 years. The legendary Beast still seizes it's prey in it's terrifying grip, roaring through the wilderness on 7,400 feet of track at speeds of over 60 mph through dark tunnels and it's signature twin helix! Consistently named the best wooden roller coaster in the world by enthusiasts everywhere, don't miss your chance to feel the grip of The Beast!

I just love the feel of the wood as my body gets whipped around faster than Martha Stewarts spatula.

Paramount's Kings Island, Cincinatti OH
The Vortex

Get ready for the twisted world view of the Vortex! Scream through 6 terrifying inversions at speeds over 55 mph through 3,800 feet of the most twisted track ever built! The worlds first 6-inversion coaster is still one of the most intense rides around.

Six Flags Great America, Jersey

The only coaster of its kind in the Northeast! Riders lie down, facing the sky, then fly head-first through tortuously twisted steel track -- diving into highly banked curves, spirals and a jaw-dropping, pretzel shaped, inverted loop.

Height: 115 feet
Speed: 60+ mph

Six Flags Over Georgia, Atlanta
The Ninja

The Black Belt of Roller Coasters! Sleek, black trains accelerate to speeds up to 55 mph, trains swing freely from side-to-side a total of 180 degrees through high speed spirals and sharp turns.
Height: 122 feet
Speed: 55+ mph

Six Flags Over Georgia, Atlanta
The Great American Scream Machine

Stretching 3,800 feet in length along the banks of the Chattahoochee River, this enormous coaster sends riders blurring past beautiful riverside scenery at speeds over 55 m.p.h. In 1973 it was the tallest coaster in the world at 105 feet tall.
Still considered among enthusiasts to be one of the greatest coasters in existence, the Great American Scream machine was built as a monument to the era of the first modern roller coasters and the great designers who created them.
Known for years throughout Atlanta and the Southeast as a rite of passage, no trip to Six Flags Over Georgia should be considered complete until you've counted yourself as one of the over 40 million park guests to have screamed from the top of this classic coaster. (42")

One thing that sucks about theme parks now is this new concept of like a SuperPass or a ExpressLane or whatever the hell creative name they call it. I thought that if you paid a flat fee you wait in line like everyone else. What a fucking rip to charge people additional huge fees to be able to skip the line. I would never pay it, but I am more pissed about the fact that all these theme parks who endorse said program seem to have forgotten the purpose of their thrill park. Its about the fun the guests are having, not how much coin you can make on super slushies and glo stick necklaces. Or, if you just hate lines, lines, LINES! you could just make a million dollars and get yourself one of these:

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

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Self-Whoring Advertisement

What do this:




and this:

all have to do with each other? you tell me....

Kingpin and the Gummy Joint

Senior year of college. Spring break. 11 of the rowdiest people i know on Carnival Cruise Imagination lines. Me, Viz, Bizzorn, Fucks, Shits-on-floors, Skance, Nickdaddy, Cornhole, Bails, Dooshtin, Grizza. 5 day cruise to several islands, most important stop being ochos rios, jamaica.

We are amped...after staying the night at Greenes palace in Ft. laudy-dady, we roll to the ship and after several drinks on the top deck, we have to check in to our muster stations. Lucky for us this boat is filled with hot women. So we're mustering with some ladies and we realize early on, every single girl on this ship wants to get laid just like every single guy on here. For some reason, cruise ships more than any other vacation spot are the most likely place for that quick week fling.

All guys have used some form of this saying at one point or another: youre never going to have to see that girl again so you may as well go all out. Its a lot easier to say than to do, but on a cruise ship when you have 10 of your buddies to laugh at you if you get denied or rejected, it becomes more of an entertaining game than anything else. And these yatches are playing right into us. Within the first 5 hours on board, we already have two little crews of chicks hanging off our junk.

Some of us are more successful than others. viz is eyeing this girl who looks real good, but they got off on the friendship tip talking about puppy dogs and ice cream. he's pulling tongue all night, thats about it. dooshtin has found himself in the worst situation, trying to make a girl from a cruise become his girlfriend. not smooth. Of course there always has to be a shady move or two.... bailey has decided to hook up with a girl who is there with her parents. she cant really drink on the ship since she isnt 18 yet, and we are all wondering what the FUCK he is thinking. but hey, if matthew mcconaughey can pull it off i guess so can shady-bailey.

so now to the fun part, jamaica. we decide to all go on a 50 man sailboat thingy with plenty of rum punch. it stops off at a waterfall that tons of tourists climb and take pictures and all that isht. we are obviously going to buy pot and wouldnt you know it, I was elected to carry the cash and to sneak the pot on board. Now I am not calling my friends little bitches for making me take the fall if we got caught...but, they kinda were being bitches ya know. so we get hammered. all the people on the booze cruise are a little frightened at our ridiculous behavior but like i said before, we didnt give a fuck... we would never see them again.

We start climbing this waterfall and there is just a huge line of tourists from the bottom to the top making their way slowly up this thing. jamaicans are there to guide and take pictures if any families want to take one home. Of course, with such high profile access to tourists, 90% of the photographers are also pot dealers. so the first guy comes up to our group and of all 11 people, who does this guy pick out of the crowd to try to sell the pot to? you fucking know it. me. Hey man, where you from? Kentucky. oh ya? ive been there--you want some weed? how much? 30 for this eighth. no thanks man.

Someone told me before i got there to be patient, you will eventually find a sweet deal. 40 for an eighth, 20 for schwag, 50 for a quarter. sold. he gives me the pot in a little film canister and i throw it in my cargos. back to the ship, i have no towels or bags or anything, were all good and in business baby. cornhole bought the pipe on shore, good to go.

Then we get back off the boat and me, skance, grizza and katz decide to go waverunning. The guys take us right from the ship and boat us over to their little patch of sand where there are like 20 jamaican dudes just laying around all high and shit on the beach. they only have 2 waverunners so we have to take turns. katz and grizza go first, me and skance hang on the beach. hey mon, do you smoke weed? i turn around and there he is.

age: 40ish. gray hair. ice cold pot necklace and some beach shorts. 4 teeth. name: kingpin.

Now before I continue on, those of you who dont know me as well wouldnt know that i have some weird germ issues. like i cant share toothpaste because people rub the end on their own brush and then its like salivay. i rarely share drinks. using someone else's shower shoes is a big sin. you get the point.

In my face is a big fat joint being handed to me by kingpin himself. Come in here, he beckons, as he disappears into a little surfboard teepee. not one to pass up an opportunity, i take the gummy, gnarly, semi-nasty joint from kingpin and throw it to my lips. when youre in jamaica and a man with 4 teeth and the chronic hook up is asking you to puff his joint, do you do it? the answer is of course: hell yes. so me and skance are smokin the ganj when skance busts out with the question: hey man, do you have any crank? WOAAAH lorda mercy. no mon. none of that here. were only about this, as he picks up his bling and shows lance the nice pot leaf. to make a long story short, lance and i had a kickass time riding the waverunners, kingpin tried to shake us down for cash for the joint plus to give him any pot we bought in jamaica so we didnt get busted by carnival, the whole ship reeked of pot after the jamaica stop, viz remained a virgin, dooshtin did in fact date the girl for awhile, and on the last night when there was a tiki party on the top deck, i remember all of us shotgunning about 4 or 5 beers with tons of people chanting "LANCE, LANCE, LANCE, LANCE" and then skance taking the empties and crushing them on his forehead.

on the last night, the tokers gathered on the back deck and ceremoniously tossed the pot and pipe off the boat into the ocean. ill never forget that gummy joint and of course, my chronic 2002 hookup in ochos rios, kingpin.

Monday, July 12, 2004

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Weekend Summary

Every Monday I get in here and feel like peter from office space... spacing out for a good hour, trying to collect my thoughts, wandering around on the internet looking for funny shit to talk about. If i find something later, maybe I will post 2...for right now, let me just do some Hodgepodge.

By now I am sure you all have heard of this dude Ken Jennings who is on a 29-day tear of Jeopardy! He is getting close to a cool million in prize winnings. This guy doesnt just eek out the wins-- most of the games I have seen he tags em, bags em, skins em, and sends them home with cab fare. My question is, can the producers of Jeopardy not find one guy or girl in this entire country who is not smarter than fucking Ken Jennings. My 2nd question, conspiracy theory style, is do they really want to? ps--Chiu was on Jeopardy in middle school and he did real well, his only problem was the fact that he had no balls. (no guff, g)

Went to the Clermont Lounge again this weekend. This time I was not with the ladies, i was with jonny mcfuckstick and his buddy from prudential, nascar john. so katz was decidedly anti-dancing...more DIRECTLY: anti-even-trying-to-shake-his-ass-with-hot-girls. But as usual, the seedy claremont was a good time had by all. the "new guy", ya know the one who has heard all about the claremont but hasnt been inside its doors, will not shut the fuck up about how he is getting married and he keeps looking at hot girls and he wants ass still, etc, etc. There is one fine truth in this world: to a man who needs affirmation that he should stick with his current cute fiancee, there is no place greater to gain those feelings than the Clermont Lounge. One look at the strippers there makes me want to go home and fuck my wife. so the test tube shot lady comes yaaallll wanna shot? no thanks, we have drinks coming. oh come on, a shot fer eachuya. no no, its ok. not even between my titties? (oh my god lady.... no!, not even between your titties)

Something really amazing happened in this town over the weekend, but i bet 5% of the atliens even know about it. The problem with Atlanta is they have great fucking sports and no one gives a shit about them. I mean they do, but they dont. They care, but there is definitely apathy in the air. This weekend, the Braves played the phillies (#1 NL East) up north and were only two games back after sweeping the Expos in their series. Friday the braves blew a 6-2 lead to eventually lose it in extra innings. saturday and sunday, the braves rolled and saved 2 games respectively to take down the leader in the NL east. Before this weekend, the braves were tied for 3rd with the mets. After this weekend, the Braves are in 2nd place and have won 8 of their last 10 games. This is the 13th year in a row that the braves have had a winning season up to the mid-point, the all star game. Look for them to continue to roll to the top and keep smoking teams.

Mexicans are running rampant in this town. Im not sure if thats a good thing :) I think its ok... it comes with good and bad. The bad news is, they probably account for 2 of 3 of my car stereos getting stolen. The good news is, they are getting jobs at the finest burrito joints in town. I love that in atlanta, qdoba is run by three mexicans who dont speak a fucking lick of ingles. in louisville, qdoba is run by a bunch of white middle-class high school kids who dont know the first fucking thing about wrapping a burrito. same with kroger. its sweet. speaking of mexicans, i saw sergio this weekend when i was sober and pool crashing with the deephs. he is not a figment of my imagination, sergio really does exist.

outtie belly buttons occur totally by chance. there has never been a proven reason for outties, and they account for about 10% of the population. Basically outties are just scar tissue that never really fell off after the umbilical cord was cut. outtie belly buttons can be pierced, but only by the best...most will become infected and not work out. plastic surgery is safe and people can get their outties taken care of at any time. i have never hooked up with an "outtie" and i hope to never hook up with one in the future.

granberry. its not cool to request a shoutout. especially on another dudes blog. thanks for the insight and critiques this weekend. i am just prodding you so that you will respond.

Have a wonderful case of the mondays.

Friday, July 09, 2004

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Men Can Fake Too

Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal put the topic of faking an orgasm on the map in their 1989 film "When Harry Met Sally."
Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry Burns: Well, they haven't faked it with me.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because I know.
Sally Albright: Oh. Right. Thats right. I forgot. Youre a man.
Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright: Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it so you do the math.
The idea that faking an orgasm is one-sided is actually quite preposterous. By nature, it is much easier for a woman to fake than a man. I mean, lets look at basic anatomy and you know that a girl doesnt have to prove anything beyond a few moans, a little arching of the back, deep thrusts, fall down tired as hell. If she's really good she can even do a little contraction action to throw the guy off. Women are also generally better actors than men, they pay more attention to detail, and since they have allegedly been faking all their lives, they have some pretty good practice.

In a survey taken of 15,000 website visitors, 70% of women and 25% of men have admitted to faking or acting out their shit with their partner. The low male percent is probably due to the fact that a man's fake orgasm has to be thought out, contrived, planned, and most importantly-- to not get caught.

But why fake an orgasm at all? Women and men have a plethora of different reasons for faking, but the #1 answer by both men and women is: to make their partner happy. Women know that the best way to stroke a guys ego is to make him feel like a fucking master in the bedroom. Most men just want their woman to be sexually satisfied, regardless of their personal pleasure. And therein lies the problem... neither sex is cool with the other faking an orgasm with them. We are both guilty of it and yet we continue to act out our pleasure to make the other partner feel like they are giving some seriously good deep dickin'.

There are good reasons to fake... lets say you just downed about 12 jack and cokes and you get home from the bar and you throw on your little hat and start pounding that headboard. the girl is a freak and she is just going fucking nuts over this "d" sex. lets say she doesnt fake fact she is such a porn star that she has 3 orgasms before you even get close to the point of no return. i mean with the whiskey and the sweat and the heat and the screaming, you can't find pleasure for yourself-- this chick is having enough for the both of you and half the neighbors. So you do what any man does. You go wild for about 2 minutes, dig nails in a little, throw it as deep as you can, and let out a little groan...maybe even a shudder for effect. but now its crunch time... you have to get this yatch off your dizzl, go to the bathroom, wrap it up in as many layers of TP as possible, and throw it away deep in the trash can so she doesnt go looking. then you have to come back and pretend you dont have a case of blue balls, spoon positions #1 and #3. it sucks. faking sucks.
VERONICA: You show some bedroom proficiency, and you think you're gods. What about what we do for you?
DANTE: Women? Women, as lovers, are all basically the same: they just have to be there.
VERONICA: Be there?
DANTE: Making a male climax is not all that challenging: insert somewhere close and preferably moist; thrust; repeat.
VERONICA: How flattering.
Basically half of the men and women surveyed said they would have hurt feelings if they knew their partner was consciously making an effort to fake. 95% of men and women said they would NOT want their partner to fake for them. Since the reason for faking is to make your partner happy, and almost all the people having sex would not want their partner faking, doesnt it make sense that we should all just stop fucking faking?!?

I guess my perspective might be skewed because i am not married nor do i have a lady friend to speak of, but I dont understand why its so bad or shameful for a girl to be like: listen, buddy, you are not hitting the clit. at all. why dont you take me from behind so i can get off instead of this mindless pointless pleasureless sex? or what about: yo, this feels really good baby, but is there any way you can kinda widen your legs a little--ooooooh god, ya, right there, oh oh oh, peace.

If you dont have to fake, hey good work. but for the rest of you, lets just try to sit back and enjoy the sex for the sex and stop trying to hunt down this fucking o-word. if its not working out for you, i think it would be much cooler to be direct with the guy/girl about what is better and what works more effectively. i would much rather have a girl say do it this way than for her to have to fake, go tell all her gossipy friends, etc etc. If everyone stopped faking and started communicating we would probably be a lot better in this world. Thank you, have a good fucking weekend. (no pun intended)

Thursday, July 08, 2004

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Pakistani Humor

About a year or two ago, I actually said the following: If I could invest in one thing, even though its not really a tangible investment, I would definitely invest in pakistani humor. Thats right, I happen to find pakistani humor outrageously funny. The inspiration for this little quip comes from a man i have known since 1st grade. His pakistani doctor parents were friends with my jewish dentist dad and since we lived close, went to the same school, it was only a matter of time before i was eating kashi and pad-see-u curry beef. Thanks Imran.

So I dont know if you realize this, but pakistani humor has been on the rise in this country. Sure it started off with a few minor roles, but it has really blossomed into something that adoring fans can laugh and play along with as these "foreigners" experience life in modern america.

Who was the first pakistani, decked out in head garb, strong indian accent, 8 babies, proprietor of his own business, the lord ganesh at his side to grace the pop icon stardom? Thats right, it was Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. This man has taken the lead role as america's most recognizable pakistani dude. His Kwik-E-Mart has appeared in tons of episodes and of course, Apu's quick wit, funny mis-pronunciation of the language, and hard worker vs. lazy american attitude have won him a spot in our hearts.

Since this list is being created on the fly, lets go to our next funny pakistani. His real name is Kal Penn and he was really born in Jersey, but lets pretend for a second that Taj Mahal Badalandabad from National Lampoon's Van Wilder is pakistani. This movie is one of the funniest generation Y movies that has come out in years...and what would it be without the help of the funny, wide-eyed lad from Banglapoor, India whose sole purpose of coming to America was:
"I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah!"

Of course we could never make a list of funniest pakistani dudes in movies without Samir Nagheenanajar, better known as samir nagana-nagana- not gonna work here anymore thats for sure. now even though his real name is Ajay Naidu and he was born in Illinois, he has mastered the not-knowing-english sense of humor that makes these characters so, so deep. top line from the movie is a tie between the kicking and punching of the paper jam or: Back up in your ass with the resurrection.

Perhaps this movie shouldnt even be mentioned considering i didnt see it. But i SWEAR that i said the whole pakistani thing before this movie was supposed to come out. So there is this movie called the Guru about an indian dude who comes to american and becomes an indian actor on the american (porn)screen. wow, this plot truly is full circle and stars an amazing amount of funny indian dudes in it.

Listen, I cant think of anymore right now (especially since Fez from 70s show is actually cast as hispanic) but you get the idea... indians/pakistanis are funny fucking people and they are going to be all over the american movie scene soon. i predict it. mark my words, etc etc. There is even a term coined for Indian actors on the big screen. Google it, Bollywood.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

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A Southern Redneck in trouble with Twins

I caant dooit kaptahn, I doont remembah a thing.

So I have a true confession. Heres the gist. This is taken from my memory so details tend to be hazy.

The last time I was up in NYC me and my boy katz stayed with asher. he lived on 56th and lex. Katz and I are bouncing around late night one night and we go to this little back door club around midnight. So we're vibing right. black chicks are hitting on me as usual. katz is eyeing some little jewish yatch but he knows she aint fuckin and katz fucks so this little chicken isnt gonna be around for much longer. my chick is british and the only problem with her is she is way too into me to be normal. not saying its hard to be way into me... its just, we just fucking met bitch. i dont know you. and i'm in nyc, so sketch factor is just implied. jewish girl hovers over her drink and gabs about how bitchy her mom is and how she talks to her every day, sometimes 4-5 times a day, even though they hate each other. all katz hears is blah blah blah, bl blah blah blah. I give what is known as the international sign for: lets do a lap. aww im sorry can you hang on one second, i have to go to the bathroom. see when girls say they are going to the bathroom, they go in there and talk to each other about the dudes they are with and what they should do. when guys say that shit, they are going to do a lap. to see the other action at the place instead of keeping themselves locked down at one specific vector, victor.

peace ladies. katz, lets see what else we got goin on in hea. dude. stop. bro. what? bro. what?? i swear to god, i think i see mary kate and ashley over there. where? there. woah. ya. Sure enough, Mary Kate, Ashley, and their entourage of bodyguards were at this little shit cafe getting pounded on booze, laughing, gigling, like two little fucking bunny rabbits ready to be devoured and fanged by me and jonny mcpot here.

(move your mouse over this image)

(you can tell them apart by their cute little eyes)

So I am pretty cocked and against better judgement I go to the jukebox to think of a kick ass tune I can dance to with Mary Kate. I think she is cuter, mainly because she is a little more emaciated than the other one. oops, i guess i should be more sensitive to her needs. (i know my boy dwellis would scrub the milk off with a moustache ride)

So anyway, what better artist than the great Jon Bon Jovi Bryan Adams. C22. click click, spinnnn. guitar riff. i got my first real six string down at the five and dime. played until my fingers bled, was the summer of '69. ya, me and katz roll up to the olsen party of 9. mary kate? yes. hey whats up, my names justin this here is my friend trent, we just call him double down. hu hu hi im jonathan. hey boys, nice to meet you. ya so listen we're only in town for the night, we're producing a movie down in atlanta with miramax right now actually. oooh really, i thought you looked kinda familiar. aww come on mary kate, youre just saying that.... no really, i feel like i know you from somewhere. well, i stalked ashley when i was 18 and she was 12...does that count? what? anyway, dont mind him mary kate. would you like to salsa with me to this fine bon jovi bryan adams tune. aww i would but wouldnt it be much easier if we just hopped in my limo and drove back to the Waldorf. oh you have a room there too. and a king size! ya know what, maaaybe after me and my buddy here are done partying for the night, well see if youre still awake when we get back. uh...uh...ok. cool, maybe well see you two later.

And with that, I tap katz on the shoulder, bringing him back from his drueling over ashley's little mini skirt, give him a head nod and were off for the door. when we get out in the street, i pull out the cigs, whip 2 out, hand one to him, and light us up. why in the FUCK did we leave that bar shuster? dude, like the tao of steve says, "Be desireless. Be excellent. Be gone." After a few puffs katz lets it sink in and goes, booyakasha respect. Lets go get some of that Ray's Pizza dude.

The End

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

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Germans Love David Hasselhoff

Hello all you bloggerjockers waiting for words of my weekend. Deephs, there will be no long drawn out punking stories. Dudes, there will be no details. July 4th weekend? clipping nugs, braves day game 10-4 atl, decatur fireworks, hot little jewish girls from mctyeire, top shelf liquor parties, two proud american soldiers, lots of sex (not all me), drunk walks home, suntan, recovery, and now blog.

Why in the fuck do Germans love david hasselhoff. everyone says it, but does anyone know the answer? Check this out: Top 5 answers by girls
Why do Germans love David Hasselhoff?

1) “No one knows the answer to this question. It's one of the more unsettling mysteries about the world we live in.”
2) “Do they? Interesting, very interesting!”
3) “Look at his last name, it's as German as Wiener Schnitzel.”
4) “3 things: pecks, Bulge, Talking Car.”
5) “Because that guy on SNL used to say so.”

That guy on SNL is the one and only Norm McDonald. His Weekend Update was the first to coin the now popular phrase. Here is some Hasselhoff background:
Despite his enormous success in television, Hasselhoff's childhood dream of a recording career had, by the late 1980's, yet to be fulfilled. However, that all changed when he recorded "Looking for Freedom," just at the end of the Cold War. The song quickly became an anthem for the German people and it raced to the number one spot on the German charts where it remained for eight consecutive weeks in 1989.

The album, Looking for Freedom, hit the top of the German charts as well, staying there for three months. It went gold and triple platinum in Europe while on its way to becoming Germany's number one selling album of the year. Hasselhoff was named "Most Popular and Best Selling Artist of the Year" in Germany.

For some reason, and I am guessing its because we don't support goobers in this country, Hasselhoff is just way more popular in Euro...specifically Austria and Germany. However, there have been some Americans who take an interest in Hasselhoff's stunning physique and the fact that "No other man has done so much for big chest hair and smooth chatup lines."

One pop culture icon has decided to team up with the other. Bringing the streets of Compton and gangstas of the streetz to his pad in paradise, Hasselhoff and Ice-T are actually neighbors out in cali. Ice-T wants to produce a hasselhoff rap album. Hmm, good combo...i can definitely see this being a huge hit. Life is tough on the dirty sets of Baywatch and Knight Rider.

Not even Hasselhoff's daughters can stand their own father:
Hasselhoff has just brought out a compilation of oldies called David Hasselhoff Sings America, but says daughters, Taylor, 13, and Hayley, 11, hate his music.
"My daughters tell me to switch off my music when I play them my songs," he told German magazine Gala, "and they change the channel whenever Knight Rider comes on. It's embarrassing for them to watch their father in tight jeans and a stupid hairdo chasing gangsters on TV."

I wouldnt say embarassing so much as "throw up a little bit in my throat" downright revolting. What can we as Americans do to rid ourselves of the Hasselhoff phenomenon? I propose that we kill two birds with one stone. Scratch the Ice-T thing. Lets think of someone else who was really popular in the 80s during the Knight Rider era who would be perfect for a worldwide end-your-careers-and-live-out-your-days-in-germany tour?

(good find eh? more pics)

Friday, July 02, 2004

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Random Bits for the Long Weekend

(I blogged twice today i was so both)
Booyakasha, mad respect and big ups to my main mahn Marlon Brando. Youze a cool bloke, especially in the Godfather, the most massive gangsta flick evah.

Also happy birthday to bizorn. Hope you have a great freakin' weekend and have you some fun!

So I sometimes puff and decide to mix together the bombest CD i can come up with for the day. Here is one i did for this July 4th weekend.

01. Blind Melon - Pusher
02. Jack Johnson - Mud Football
03. Phish - Heavy Things
04. Pearl Jam - (beatles cover) Hide Your Love Away
05. track fucked up
06. Ben Folds Five - Underground
07. Incubus - Wish You Were Here
08. The Doors - Roadhouse Blues
09. Led Zeppelin - Dazed and Confused
10. AC/DC - If You Want Love You Got It
11. Beck - Loser
12. Jimi Hendrix - Along the Watchtower
13. Nirvana - Lake of Fire
14. Counting Crows - Murder of One
15. Blind Melon - Change (live)
16. Oasis - Live Forever
17. Pearl Jam - Better Man (live)

The problem with July 4th weekend is that no one ever plans anything to do. Then everyone scrambles to do something at the last minute and it is always semi lame. Hopefully my friend Coren can get his shit together and plan a bomb weekend getaway. Here is the email:

Hey all,

So, you haven't made plans for July 4? Good. If you have, change them. We're heading up to Helen, Ga -- with a trusty band of misfits hopefully -- for some fireworks, beer, lederhosen (remember Oktoberfest?!) and INNERTUBING (which will include all of the above) this weekend.

Helen is a crazy German hamlet in the Georgia mountains. It also hosts a beautiful stretch of the Chata "Rob's-mom's-a" hoochie River. For 3 bucks, you can float down the river, sip fine PBR-labeled beverages and toast this wonderful country of ours. There are also plenty of cool things to do up there regardless.

So, the caravan begins on Saturday and we'll come back at our leisure on Sunday. It shouldn't be too much of a trek. Write back and let me know if you want to go and invite your friends. I've never forgotten a trip to Helen.

Last time I was in Helen, Georgia I was a little pledge. They made all 23 of us drink tons of whiskey and then we all held hands in this long chain and had to skip down this huge hill in the middle of the night. Needless to say the 23 of us were rolling down drunk all the way to the bottom. Fun shit.