Tuesday, July 27, 2004

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7 things guys do that they never tell girls

7. sniff test - when we havent done laundry in awhile, or we just threw some jeans on the floor the night before, the next day if said jeans need to be worn, a guy will lift them to his nose, smell for cigarette smoke, beer spills, and general wear and tear. if the jeans pass the smell test, they go on immediately. (russ rochestie sniff tests his boxers sometimes)

6. the morning after - no not that morning after! when guys sleep over at your place they pretty much cannot relieve any bathroom urges while they are there...its impossible. so the next morning, when they say goodbye and shut the door behind themselves to go home, they wait a little 3 second buffer and then all hell breaks loose. long, 8-hour-waiting-to-creep-out farts just go hurling out. its true, bet.

5. shades at the pool - guys do not wear sunglasses at the pool to block the sun from their eyes. their sole purpose is to look at girls more discreetly. never in the history of (straight) men has a guy complained about sun in his eyes at a pool, he's really just complaining that he cant gawk at hoes.

4. saying goodbye - everyone is all fucked up over how to say goodbye these days. guys sometimes just say later dude and walk out. sometimes we knock fists and say laaterrr. sometimes there is like a little half handshake that turns into some weird game of goodbye thumb war...sometimes a snap is caused making the goodbye real cool before saying see ya dude. the trouble is when one person is going for the handshake and another is going for the fist.
immediately upon seeing the fist, the handshake guys will turn into fist. simultaneously, the fist guy will turn into handshake to accomodate as well. then there is maybe a round or two of back and forth before some lame joke is cracked and the goodbye is extended.

3. cell phone tact - i may get murdered for this, i know how much you yatches love talking on your bling blings. but...if you are talking to a guy for an extended period of time and he decides that the allotted time for conversation has been surpassed, he will hold the cell phone away from his ear and proceed to half-hear you until it is time to hang up or until he senses quiet on the other end, a pause for perhaps some air and a chance to hear what he has to interject on the topic. if he is in a room with any other guys in it, be it 1 or 10, he will exaggerate your longwindedness by holding the cell phone away from his ear, rolling his eyes at his homies, and may even hand signal a joke about you without you ever knowing.

2. silent communication - girls think that they hold the trophy over this concept that they can have an entire conversation without any words. its just eye movement and head nods, even lips moving with no sound. but, men have the exact same capability... we can communicate very precise and accurate silent transactions in almost any environment. the difference is that when you are out with a group of guys and girls, when a girl gets caught signaling to her friend by a guy, girls will freeze like deer in headlights. guys can be smooth about covering up their signals when they are caught by girls...which leads me to my #1...

1. lies - we all tell lies, may as well be honest about it. now i am not talking about big lies, lies that are deep and get you in trouble when the truth surfaces.... guys suck at those lies, girls see right through us. i am talking about the little white lies. guys tell white lies on a daily basis. i cant give any personal examples for fear of getting trampled upon, but just trust me when i say guys have perfected this habit.
CHRISTY: What do you guys do?
MIKE: I'm a comedian.
(More uncomfortable silence.)
LISA: Do you ever perform out here? I'd love to see you.
MIKE: No...
LISA: You should. A lot of comics play Vegas.
MIKE: Well, I'm afraid it's not that easy...
LISA: Why not?
MIKE: There are different circuits... it's hard to explain... you wouldn't understand...
LISA: Well who's your booking agent?
MIKE: (flustered) Oh? You know about booking agents... I don't, uh, actually have west coast representation as of yet...
LISA: Well, who represents you back east?
MIKE: Actually, it's funny you... I'm actually, uh, between...
LISA: What do you do, Trent?
TRENT: I'm a producer.
BOTH GIRLS: Wow... Oooh... Ahhh...
(Mike rolls his eyes at how full of shit he is.)
He may be full of shit, but he's just tryin to get his. take this column with a grain of salt, apparently i generalize too much... all i know is, these are 7 things ALL guys do and have done that they never tell to girls.


At 7/27/2004 10:48 AM, Blogger megan pistachio said...

Really man, jeans can be worn for up to or more than a month straight. Trust me.

At 7/23/2007 9:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah i wear mine for about a month without wash


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