Tuesday, July 13, 2004

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Kingpin and the Gummy Joint

Senior year of college. Spring break. 11 of the rowdiest people i know on Carnival Cruise Imagination lines. Me, Viz, Bizzorn, Fucks, Shits-on-floors, Skance, Nickdaddy, Cornhole, Bails, Dooshtin, Grizza. 5 day cruise to several islands, most important stop being ochos rios, jamaica.

We are amped...after staying the night at Greenes palace in Ft. laudy-dady, we roll to the ship and after several drinks on the top deck, we have to check in to our muster stations. Lucky for us this boat is filled with hot women. So we're mustering with some ladies and we realize early on, every single girl on this ship wants to get laid just like every single guy on here. For some reason, cruise ships more than any other vacation spot are the most likely place for that quick week fling.

All guys have used some form of this saying at one point or another: youre never going to have to see that girl again so you may as well go all out. Its a lot easier to say than to do, but on a cruise ship when you have 10 of your buddies to laugh at you if you get denied or rejected, it becomes more of an entertaining game than anything else. And these yatches are playing right into us. Within the first 5 hours on board, we already have two little crews of chicks hanging off our junk.

Some of us are more successful than others. viz is eyeing this girl who looks real good, but they got off on the friendship tip talking about puppy dogs and ice cream. he's pulling tongue all night, thats about it. dooshtin has found himself in the worst situation, trying to make a girl from a cruise become his girlfriend. not smooth. Of course there always has to be a shady move or two.... bailey has decided to hook up with a girl who is there with her parents. she cant really drink on the ship since she isnt 18 yet, and we are all wondering what the FUCK he is thinking. but hey, if matthew mcconaughey can pull it off i guess so can shady-bailey.

so now to the fun part, jamaica. we decide to all go on a 50 man sailboat thingy with plenty of rum punch. it stops off at a waterfall that tons of tourists climb and take pictures and all that isht. we are obviously going to buy pot and wouldnt you know it, I was elected to carry the cash and to sneak the pot on board. Now I am not calling my friends little bitches for making me take the fall if we got caught...but, they kinda were being bitches ya know. so we get hammered. all the people on the booze cruise are a little frightened at our ridiculous behavior but like i said before, we didnt give a fuck... we would never see them again.

We start climbing this waterfall and there is just a huge line of tourists from the bottom to the top making their way slowly up this thing. jamaicans are there to guide and take pictures if any families want to take one home. Of course, with such high profile access to tourists, 90% of the photographers are also pot dealers. so the first guy comes up to our group and of all 11 people, who does this guy pick out of the crowd to try to sell the pot to? you fucking know it. me. Hey man, where you from? Kentucky. oh ya? ive been there--you want some weed? how much? 30 for this eighth. no thanks man.

Someone told me before i got there to be patient, you will eventually find a sweet deal. 40 for an eighth, 20 for schwag, 50 for a quarter. sold. he gives me the pot in a little film canister and i throw it in my cargos. back to the ship, i have no towels or bags or anything, were all good and in business baby. cornhole bought the pipe on shore, good to go.

Then we get back off the boat and me, skance, grizza and katz decide to go waverunning. The guys take us right from the ship and boat us over to their little patch of sand where there are like 20 jamaican dudes just laying around all high and shit on the beach. they only have 2 waverunners so we have to take turns. katz and grizza go first, me and skance hang on the beach. hey mon, do you smoke weed? i turn around and there he is.

age: 40ish. gray hair. ice cold pot necklace and some beach shorts. 4 teeth. name: kingpin.

Now before I continue on, those of you who dont know me as well wouldnt know that i have some weird germ issues. like i cant share toothpaste because people rub the end on their own brush and then its like salivay. i rarely share drinks. using someone else's shower shoes is a big sin. you get the point.

In my face is a big fat joint being handed to me by kingpin himself. Come in here, he beckons, as he disappears into a little surfboard teepee. not one to pass up an opportunity, i take the gummy, gnarly, semi-nasty joint from kingpin and throw it to my lips. when youre in jamaica and a man with 4 teeth and the chronic hook up is asking you to puff his joint, do you do it? the answer is of course: hell yes. so me and skance are smokin the ganj when skance busts out with the question: hey man, do you have any crank? WOAAAH lorda mercy. no mon. none of that here. were only about this, as he picks up his bling and shows lance the nice pot leaf. to make a long story short, lance and i had a kickass time riding the waverunners, kingpin tried to shake us down for cash for the joint plus to give him any pot we bought in jamaica so we didnt get busted by carnival, the whole ship reeked of pot after the jamaica stop, viz remained a virgin, dooshtin did in fact date the girl for awhile, and on the last night when there was a tiki party on the top deck, i remember all of us shotgunning about 4 or 5 beers with tons of people chanting "LANCE, LANCE, LANCE, LANCE" and then skance taking the empties and crushing them on his forehead.

on the last night, the tokers gathered on the back deck and ceremoniously tossed the pot and pipe off the boat into the ocean. ill never forget that gummy joint and of course, my chronic 2002 hookup in ochos rios, kingpin.


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