Wednesday, September 28, 2005

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Kosher Gunplay

"Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with ya. The fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun.. And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O" written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck off.”

When I was a junior, we decided that it would be a good ‘brotherhood’ event if a bunch of guys headed up the highway to go fire off a few rounds at some shooting range targets. someone found a sketchy strip mall shooting range up 75 called Georgia Range and Guns. so about 25 of us caravaned up to the range to pop a cap in someones ass. i think it would be safe to say that the only one out of everyone in the group who had ever shot a real gun was Skance, from new mexico. he used to shoot small animals and whiskey bottles for friday night entertainment. the rochesties had probably seen all kinds of pistols in philly, when they left the suburbs and drove into the city on a weekend. point is i had never shot a gun and neither had most of us.

so we pull up to the place and everyone files inside. imagine a jewelry store case display, spanning the entire room, only this one was filled with all kinds of guns. now take the chandeliers and replace them with animal trophies on the wall. finally, replace the jewish manager and hot blonde saleswoman with 3 rednecks who could collectively account for 20 teeth. we were divided into two groups, and i was chosen to be in the first one. here are the rules: 1) you must have a shooting partner. 2) two people to a booth. 3) you can use any gun in the house.

so i was paired with shane. he plucked a nice little 9 mm from the case. some guys knew what they wanted, apparently they had read up on their NRA propaganda. i, on the other hand, was just stuck staring at all the different types. biggies, small boys, fatties, minis, long, stubby. (i am using technical terms here, so try to keep up) like i fucking knew which gun was which. so i tell the guy "just get me the old 44 magnum."

in case you have never shot a gun before, ive gotta say... you have to have the stomach for it. i know that sounds weird, but the thought of yielding a weapon that could end life really kinda freaked me out. i mean i was only here because everyone else was. i would be happy firing one shot and smoking a bowl in the parking lot.

anyway, i digress. shane gets up there with the glasses and earphones, aims at the target, and just starts pounding bullets. maybe 2 hit, the rest i have no idea where they went. the floor was this kind of hard foam, but the targets were like 25 feet away. once he was done emptying about 12 rounds, it was my turn. so i get up there like dirty harry, stand poised, put both hands on the gun, lock and load, and fire the first shot. umm, no idea where the bullet went. no idea how to control kickback. no idea what the fuck a jewish boy from kentucky is doing at a shooting range with a 44 magnum bigger than my fucking head. i fire a few more off and realize i suck at shooting. shane decides he wants to try a few shots with my gun. so i hit the safety, step back, and watch my shooting partner take aim with the mag. ku-chink. ku-chink.

he lets a few rounds go when out of nowhere, a guy who was down the way runs up and kinda grabs him and screams--
guy: What the fuck are you doing?!?! You think this is a fucking joke?!
(taken aback and not realizing what he did wrong)
shane: What the fuck is your problem man?
guy: Youre shooting that gun at the fucking ground. This isnt a joke you could hurt someone!
shane: i mean i dont know what im doing
guy: what do you mean you dont know what youre doing, havent you ever shot a gun before?
shane: no this is my first time
guy: well you cant just come and shoot unsupervised if youve never shot before
shane: no one in this room has ever shot a gun before
guy: are you fucking serious?! none of you have shot guns before? well listen buddy you need to get the hell out of here, i'm kicking you out.
shane: are you serious man? i dont know what the fuck i did wrong!

and so shane and i left. peacefully. the one thing you cant do is shoot a gun range owner. the guy running up and grabbing shane and tearing his fucking head off + gunplay + bullets whizzing at the ground and ricocheting + my jewy pacifist outlook = guns didn't really do it for me.

so if you ever find yourself face to face with me down a long dark alley, you can be sure of a few things.
1) i dont have a gun on me
2) if i did have a gun on me, you would have plenty of time to take aim and fire
3) if this was a halo 2 game, youd be dead by now
on a side note, biggups to the Braves. i started to root for philly this week, in anticipation of us locking it up... i would rather play san diego and have st louis play philly. at least we know we can beat them and perhaps philly would knock out st. louis by some fucking miracle. as it turns out, philly is all but out and we are gonna have to hose the 'stros one more fucking time. then beat pujols. then beat the yankees. hey, its doable. franco/francouer combo will lead the karma way.

the pennant wall over center field will have to be extended if we keep this up

Monday, September 26, 2005

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New Fall Lineup

Fine toma! i will talk about the easiest thing to talk about, HDTv. first off i would just like to say that comcast can suck a big fatty... they always advertise about the Dish going out and how reliable their service is in comparison... i cant tell you how many DVR scheduled programs did not get recorded this past week due to comcast having horrible reception, sometimes the picture would freeze, or hop out of surround sound randomly. in any case, a lot of new shows have already started and in case you didnt jump on the bandwagon before, you can just netflix what you want and start checking out the following shows:

Shoobie's Heady Danky Tivo Schedule for the Fall of 2005

-NEW FAMILY GUY episodes began last night on FOX at 9. quite amusing. family guy is clearly one of the top 3 shows ever created, so its no wonder they wanted to re-open the new episodes this fall. in case youre living on a fucking other planet, Stewie Griffin: the untold story, a straight-to-dvd movie is being released this tuesday. you can come watch it at our HD DLP Tv tomorrow, the viewing will begin around 9 pm. The only thing i request is that you dont come empty handed, pinch some from your mom if you have to.

- LOST kicked off its second season last week, on cbs wednesday at 9. If you didnt watch the first season, you missed out on perhaps what is the best cliffhanger show ever on tv. (go rent asap) i mean they opened the hatch for christs sake! and i have no idea whats going on in there, not to mention who would kidnap a kid in the middle of the ocean from a group of airline survivors. good eye candy, excellent plot, twists and turns everywhere. awesome show.

-DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES began, on abc sunday at 9. yes, i am a straight male. yes, i would rather watch football than shop. however, the eye candy factor on this show is just too much to pass up. i havent even watched the 1st episode since there is so much sunday programming, but when i do i am sure i will be right back in the mix of wisteria lane. can teri hatcher and eva langoria please just get to fucking so i can kill a kitty and get back to the NFL game?!

-WEEDS has already run about 4 shows, but if you read this blog and you laugh at the stoner jokes, i can guarantee you will like this showtime show, mondays at 10. most people dont have showtime since it sucks except for late night specials... until now. we have a free trial from comcast somehow, but this show is definitely dank. and its not all about weed!

-CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM started yesterday, hbo sunday at 10. This is also a top 3 ever show for me, and yes... even over seinfeld. why? because they can blow up the f-bomb and say things that couldnt be said on network tv. if you havent seen the first 4! seasons, then you are an idiot. rent quickly and catch up, hbo is infamous for their re-runs. first epsiode was high-mids but i know better ones are down the pipe.

-ROME is a miniseries on hbo sunday at 9 pm. i think yesterday was episode 4, but i would like to say that i am hooked and the sex, nudity, and violence is pretty sweet in this one. i think the director had some serious creative license, but this show should not be missed. and when i say nudity, i mean cock, balls, ass, tits, and bush. furreal. the show is about ceasars rise to power, and the vibrant colors and awesome scenery is amazing. NAMBLA sex with little boys can be fast forwarded.

-MY NAME IS EARL is on NBC Tuesdays at 9 pm. the star of the show is Jason Lee, from Mallrats and Jay and Silent Bob, etc. the first episode already happened, but i laughed almost the entire time. earl is an idiot (think office space neighbor) who is trying to make up for all the bad stuff he's done in life by doing good for the same people. he got his inspiration from carson daly talking about karma on TRL.... truly a great plot background for what looks to be a hilarious season. Jaime Pressley in hot pants and a beater helped.

-THE OFFICE is on NBC Tuesdays at 9:30. This american version of the BBC series is hilarious. Steve Carrell is always hilarious. i love lamp. this time he is the manager of a crappy office somewhere in pennsylvania. the jokes are americanized and the show separated from the british version after episode 1. you should have already seen the original Office, and now you should be watching this one too.

- JOEY is on NBC, thursdays at 8 pm. OK, this show might not get the ratings that friends once enjoyed... but joey is a character everyone has come to love. Drea de Matteo seriously helps out, not to mention the hot landlord Andrea Anders. dont ask, i dont know her either. also, paulo the stoner from road trip who i have met in person is on the show. Joey jokes never get old.

- SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE is on comedy central, 10:30 Thursdays. even without his SNL writers, david spade maintains his sarcastic shit eating grin comedy with this prelude to the Jon Stewart show. they have been trying to get a good one on CC, and i think this show is funny. some of the jokes are completely blank, but most of them are hilarious. think 'hollywood minute', but fresher and more funny.

-EXTRAS also premiered yesterday on hbo sunday at 10:30. This show is produced by Ricky Gervais, who created the original Office for the BBC. its dry, as most british things are. but it was funny. Gervais is just an average person like you or me, not start struck at all with celeb life, and has a warped sense of how people interact with each other. as a result, he is subtly and intelligently offensive, and since its on HBO he can say shit and fuck and bollocks and whatever weird words brits use.

-HEAD CASES uhhh, actually this one got the proverbial 'ax' from FOX. two episodes, mids at best. adam goldberg just cannot get his career off the ground as a star. chris o'donnell, well... as katz put it he went from movie star to cancelled tv star pretty quickly. maybe he will resurface one day. this show was kinda bad and i would rather be on the Lost island at the same time, instead of watching.
Falcons had an awesome weekend. D. Hall caught another INT.
Louisville lost its national champ bid this weekend. sucks. sucks bad. horrible game.
check vicklantasy for an update on my fantasy shit... i played "popped collar" KB this weekend, and you should see the results.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

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Toady Bump + other swimps

Yesss.... another bland episode where i get to dispel all the crazy wack shit building up as notes to myself in the celly text message bin. for the record, i am finally getting an un-Zack Morris cell phone in a few days, thanks to verizons horrible renewal plan.

1. OK so the other day i was at a buddys place and they were cooking some dinner for whatever chica was going over there. so there was a loaf of bread out to make garlic bread and i was like oooh, can i have the toady bump? and they were like the what?!? and i was like, the toady bump.. ya know, like the end of the loaf. they had never heard of this concept. so then i looked into it on google... to no avail. apparently no one out there has even written the words toady bump = the end of a loaf of bread. sooo... is this just a kentucky thing? a shoobie family vocab word? does anyone know what i am talking about?! and what the fuck do the rest of you call it.... dont say heel, that sounds gay.

2. OK huge pet peeve of mine (and there are many)... waitresses who are toooo accomodating and overextending their courteous waitressing behavior. like if youre at breakfast and you order two eggs scrambled, toast, hashbrowns, oj. and the waitress says something like 'hey ill go ahead and bring out your toast and oj now so you have something to munch on'. i mean lady, thats a ridiculous over-extension of the generic waitressing duties. you dont have to do that, and i dont really want you to. what possible reason would i have to not wanting all the food at the same time? there is a similar lady to that in qdoba on ponce, she is like tiny with glasses, semi-rat-looking. she extends beyond the bounds of what she needs to do, therefore causing a huge bottleneck traffic jam because she offered to serve the food in a more special, but time consuming way. i hope you know what i mean. here is all a waitress needs to do for my tip: smile, be somewhat courteous (unless its vortex or ed debevics), get the order right, bring the food, ask once about refills and how it is, and bring the check when you know we're done. meal over, tip extended, no pet peeve.

3. I know there is a company out there called, where you can basically set up a catalog with your logo on it and sell any items you want. they get the meat, you get whatever you mark it up for, and everyone wins. the shirts and hoodies are unreasonable ($$), but i have been dying to make a few tshirts that i know people will want to wear. almost urban outfitters in style. i want to basically make an "I Slayed the..." series. who in their right mind would not want a shirt right now that says: I Slayed the SAT. for current apprentices like my boy yankatz, I Slayed the GMAT. sell like hotcakes i tell you. hotcakes.

4. Jose Canseco officially ruined baseball. that guy did more damage to the spirit of baseball than my kitty-killing spree of early September ever caused. first off, you signed on to be a part of what is commonly known as a B-list celebrity graveyard reality show. Surreal Life, in case youre not fans of watching awful actors make themselves look like lunatics. Then he pays someone to write his auto-biography, since he clearly does not have a grasp on the english language. in this book he calls "Juiced" he drops names of former teammates he knew were doing steroids. he doesnt say they are wrong, he just drops the names so his book sells copies. like they should be forced to go down on the burning ship of bankrupt with you because youre an asshole. meanwhile baseball has been turned upside down by congress (what the fuck?) who has nothing better to do considering they are running a country into the ground. i know this story is old, but god damn i hate jose canseco. the only plus-side to this whole thing is that a legitimate player like andruw jones has a chance to belt the most HRs in a season... well below the current 'juiced up' record.

5. Girls who bum cigarettes. hey, thats cool i guess. what is not cool is to bum it for a guy youre with who is too much of a chicken shit/homophobe/shyboy? to ask for himself. sure, you can have a cigarette. oh, you want a light too? butane costs a buck a pop.

6. whats the deal with the college kids who take a year off from school to 'go to europe'. whats over there that is so crucial to you finding yourself inbetween sophomore and junior year? what experience is so vital to your being that you have to break up college into two halves? i dont get the concept, and maybe its because i have never set foot on the continent of europe, but can someone explain why tons of college kids decide they need to walk the earth for a year?

Closing thought: Bring Back Freaknik!

Monday, September 19, 2005

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Hooray Bulimia!

(to be read in jamaican red stripe commercial guy voice)
Hey mon! You drink so much beer! Don't you feel fat and ugly?

Hey fat girl, come 'ere. Are you an ugly person?

(Well, I wouldn't consider myself...)

You dead ugly, girl! Why dont you head to the restroom and puke in the toilet?


It's bulimia! HOORAY BULIMIA!"

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

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The Roast and Other Sweet Pics

After 2 weekends ago's debauchery, i have finally narrowed down the pictures that i feel can best be posted to the bloggy blog. plus, i have a bunch of random ones sitting in my memory stick that need to be released to the public. if all goes well, this might launch the start of an incredible flickr account... who knows. to the frat readers who might be rocked by my harsh words, relax... its all in good fun and bad taste. lets get retarded, ha! lets get retarded in here.

this one was taken at Fado. chick was standing right next to me and i had the camera ready for shit like this. these are the fuggliest pointy elf boots i have ever seen. what in the fuck possessed you to purchase these? and what brain synapse told you it was ok to wear them out in buckhead?

the MNF game was sick. marta was incredibly easy there and practically impossible on the way home. but, we did arrive in time to see the falcons throwing bows at the 50-yard line with the soon-to-be-defeated eagles.

this chick truly encapsulates all that is wrong with philly residents. still worshipping the bon jovi era, T.O. rocks the faded jean shorts in this one

does anyone else feel like couples who wear the SAME JERSEY should be shot? i mean come on, its a 53 man roster... you cant find one other guy you like besides mike vick?

this one didnt come out too well but i thought it was cute to see a family of 8 hartwells

ok so lets get into the thick of things here. a bunch of buddies came into town last weekend. as much as i would love to say we are all tight as hell, it is simply not the case. we are more like drinking buddies who occasionally get together to cause ruckus and fuck shit up. loose contact is kept and once in awhile a big drinking party meets in a-town where we all went to college.

here are some funny ones that i just have to comment on:

i didnt know t mac hung around Rays pizza... but after a tough night at club liquid i can understand his hunger

ok..its official. Purse Puppies are NOT CUTE. do you live in LA, NYC, or MIA? if yes, disregard. if no, you are no longer allowed to put your puppy in a little bag and have drunk guys fawn over it despite the fact that it looks like a rat with gremlin ears. heres an idea, get a leash. ooh ooh, here's a better one- dont take your fucking dog with you to a bar!

my friends apparently do a lot of faces in their pictures. here are some of the classics, although i will say toma looks like a fucking goon in EVERY SINGLE picture. ive got to respect the guy for being consistent.

this is the desi version of zoolander blue steel

this is joey's tequila face

this is country's 'thirsty mike' face

this is the 'who cares if she just lactated on my shirt, look at them titties' face

this is the face of a man who knew his eagles would blow a big one in the dome 2 weeks from now

this is the 'i have no idea whats goin on right now' face; only stoners can wear it.

take a look at these two clowns. you have seen one of them before when we discussed the collar popping concept. now meet the younger version of kb, mr. house. dont adjust your monitors, he officially has the biggest receding hairline of any 22 year old guy i know. i'll give you 3 guesses on where he is from... if i tell you its not nyc, i bet you could get it in one.

these are just some more goody photos:

last but not least, totally mysogynist behavior turns out to be the most fun to have around 20 guys and 3 girls. i had to at least get one eat-out pose, somehow i snuck my way into this one:

mmmm, sarah d has the best d's i have seen. and by seen, i mean she puts them out there for all to peruse. only house gets to licky licky though.

i just met this girl that weekend, but she is cool as shit. i needed to throw this one on here because i would love to see this prehensile tongue in action.... on an ice cream cone! on an ice cream cone, people!

and last but not least, our buddy raph is from SanFran but his parents are the nicest germans i have ever met. when we were in cali, they let 8 of us crash in their house, which was so generous, especially if you knew the 8. however, its probably not a good idea to be throwing out the hail hitler sign in buckhead with all these people around... keep the urge to yourself until you get home.

here, sensei teaches us the best way to act like a german in public

thats it for today, not much of a roast... kind of a lackluster performance. tron, are you fucking satisfied now?

Monday, September 12, 2005

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Todays post is brought to you by the letters MNF. In case you are: not an nfl fan, a retarded atlanta resident, a girl who cares about purses and the color pink... tonight, your Atlanta Falcons will be hosting the Philadelphia Eagles.

This game has several implications:
- its a rematch of last years NFC Championship game (philly won, and went to SB XXXIX)
- Vick has never beat philly
- our tv schedule FINALLY includes several MNF games
- national tv audience adds additional pressure, as if it wasnt already there
- both teams have upgraded their defense and offensive players
- this is most likely the NFC Championship game that will be played later, so every W counts
- the Dome is sold out and the decibel level inside will dwarf that of a small airport

in a crazy turn of events, Shoobie has acquired two tickets to tonights game last minute. i am hoping to walk away with a big smile, bloodshot squinty eyes, and no voice. wost case scenarios include seeing TO do a new 'end zone move' on our turf for the whole nation to see, westbrook running over 150 yards, and no forced turnovers by our stacked D. best case scenarios include roddy white debuting for a record 10 receptions, mike vick actually running the ball on the eagles, 200+ yards passing, our cover corner d. hall INT'ing bullet passes, and of course the madden curse affecting mr. campbells soup in week 1, leaving koy detmer to huck it to TO and the other lame receiving core philly has.

expect a relatively low score, i would bet the under if i were you. these are both running teams with exceptional run stopping defense.

either way i will be posted up in the 300 level seats getting a nose bleed and busting my eardrums with the rest of the dirty south.

i am actually juuust black enough to own this jersey...

Friday, September 09, 2005

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The Inside Secrets of a Frat House + Party

Thats right yatches, today shoob is going to teach you all about the wonderful ways in which frat guys design their parties, setup, and behavior patterns to entice young muffin into disregarding anything they learned from their parents and kindly fall out of their clothes and into the arms of a willing-to-please-until-something-better-comes-along mentality of fratty frat frat boy. it may not be pretty, it may not apply at schools like MIT, but this is the cold hard truth about those places youve either never been to, checked out once or twice, or you were such a house rat that you suckfucked your way to the presidential suite (where i once slept).

So this is the layout of a typical frat basement...namely our design, but i am sure similar houses have a similar concept. basically this is 4 rooms: game room, all-purpose room, kitchen, laundry. In the top room, you have a (A) pool table where i can count on two hands how many guys railed a girl there. beer pong tables are also lined up in rows to allow for round-robin tourneys or just 'winner stays' formats of pong games. we play 10 cups, no bouncing, 2 balls in same cup= 3 drinks + ball back, 2 balls in 2 cups = 2 drinks + ball back, re-rack on 6 and 3 cups left only, blowing is for bitches. hope you got all that. also in this room is (B), the bar. this is where two trash cans full of milwaukee beast would remain on ice until the party started. 6-8 brothers rotated party duties, including two men manning the trash cans distributing beers to either brothers or hot girls, no strangers/guys. staircase leads to main floor. in the main room, a (C)dance floor served two purposes... one, for the frat bros to not know anyone at their party and play wheres waldo giving hi-fives to their buddies, acting cocky, and generally not caring who trashes the place. second, of course, to shake ass with the long line of hot freshies that shuffles into the room, completely unaware of what is going to happen next. obviously there is a (D) stage for DJ Sensei and/or DJ Kool/Biz Markie to spin jam jams. house speakers are included. each frat has a (E) kitchen where cooks like Ray Pontes make the kids eat gross shit. of course there is a (F) cooks bathroom, where our cook snorted lines upon lines. there is also a laundry set there.

if you continue on our tour upstairs, you can see how the typical layout of the floor was. The first room (A) was called the Bone Room. this is where you went to bone if you didnt live in the house, were locked out and needed to get your nut, or maybe you were just into changing up the environment. the room had some couches and desks and shit in there, but basically any 6x4 space was feasible. one time skance cut a girls head open in there and neither of them recollected how it had happened. the other room (B) is the house mom/dads room. this is usually a 20something who wants free rent and digs on college boys right after they graduate. of course there were also frat frat brother rooms on each floor (3) and the corner bedrooms had their own bathroom/shower, while the middles had to share. lets look inside one of these rooms....

This happens to be the coolest room in the place, and i happened to live with opdyke the human sponge that year, so i ixperienced a ton of boozing and shit while i was supposed to be the responsible one. all the beds (A),(F) were full size beds... this room happens to be a 2-story loft so my bed was upstairs. each room had a variety of (B),(E) papasans, couches, and of course every frat room has to have a futon with pullout bed option. tables with bongs and empty beer cans. (C) fat tv and stereo system. (D) solo bathroom with shower and puking facilities. the key to this room was a (G) spiral stair case which a two-story funnel was wound around and split for dual funneling action. you could get down on your knees with a girl and suck down a big fat beer bong, then pass out on the couch right there :)

The way a party works in a place like this is from the bottom up. Hordes of freshmen are packed into the basement trying to get into the beer room or the dance floor. As they make their way upstairs, the level of action goes from strong to weak. first floor is the best spot, 2 cases of natty were usually given to each room. second floor got one case per room. third floor had to fend for themselves. like i said before the beer room was overflowing with beers, but you had to be either hot or sucking a brothers dick to get one.

if you have kids now, they will probably be on the brunt end of this model as freshmen. if you are going to have kids, doesnt it suck to know youre going to pay 40K to send them through this process? if your kids are in a frat, they do this every weekend. any other inside secrets i can let you in on, just ask.

dont forget your towel this weekend. nfl/college summaries can be read on vicklantasy. corned beef sundays are back! kanye west new album is mids. cee-lo green the soul machine plays MJQ tonight. run vick run! later yalls.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

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Weed College

guy1: What'd you do, go to weed college?
guy2: Why yes, yes as a matter of fact i did sir.... here is a brochure.

Kraplan Profile:
Location - Humboldt County, CA
Student Population - 4,200
Established - Summer 2004
School Mascot - Towlie
School Crest -

we love lions... love 'em. but we love weed even more.

Blurb about the school, the staff, and the intense learning going on here:
Our educators have been researching, cultivating, and growing marijuana for well over three generations in their families. It is with this esteemed background in all things herbal that the school was founded by the late great Jim P. Heady. Although our founding headmaster's life has expired, his dream of educating hippies in the fine art of the marijuana industry has lived on. Our students partake in one of the most fulfilling and world healing careers in the world: getting everyone really really fucked up on heady nugs. The areas of focus are so vast that we could only include a few programs here. You can major in: Dealing and Trades, Marketing, Growing, Fighting the Man, Dank Tunes, and Tye-Dying. Please browse below for a more detailed look into what goes on behind these 20-foot tall gates.

Introductory Level Courses
Smoking 101 - This is a basic course that all students are required to take their first year. Now don't complain thinking this is a waste of time... its like orientation for all new students, where you will highlight some of the programs at the college and narrow your focus on what you would like to accomplish. Also, you get to sample many of the research results during class, making it well worth the course load.
GHPS - Green Hit Preservation Society is also an intro level course, due to the fact that many tokers dont observe the laws and customs of GHP. Weed college students will learn exactly why they should not torch the entire span of greens in a bowl. instead, try to light one corner and preserve the green for the rest of your powow.
Glassware & Hardware - A favorite amongst Weedies, this course talks about all the different methods of inhaling the THC you desire. From simple glass chillums to massive metal machines built from scratch, you will learn how to make all kinds of devices for chronning out.
Edibles - This course will help you learn how to bake baked goods that will not only render the mj completely undetectable, but will get you nice and toasty during any meal of the day! if you have small children, this course will definitely help you control those wild and crazy kids by mellowing them out with plenty of edible treats.
Strainology - There are hundreds of different strains of plants out in the world; indica, sativa, tall, short, dark, light, bubble kush, white widow, way too many to name here. this course is one of the most work intensive courses, but the payoff is amazing. stun your regular friends with your knowledge of botany from around the globe. travel to amsterdam and know your way around a shop. with this class you will be able to recognize any strain or mixed strain in the world.
Weights & Conversions - O's, zip's, qp's, half-o's... what does it all mean?!? with this course, you will finally be able to figure out what all the different weights are AND you will be able to eyeball bags of weed of any strain. metric system not included.

Advanced Level Courses
- Cold Water Bubble Hash Extraction
- Light Stress Training
- Genetics, Breeding, and Pollenation
- Proper Harvesting, Trimming, and Manicuring Techniques
- Advanced Nutrient Flushing Systems
- Grow Room Design and Layout
- Pipes on the Go
- Hydroponics, Aeroponics, Deep-Water Culture
- Nutrient Film Technique
- How to Roll a Blunt, Lid, J
- The Psychology of Exhaling: Types of Cheefers
- Knife Hits and other Unconventional Wisdom
- How to Start a Jam Band

Student Quotes
"Before I came to Weed College, I just sat around my moms basement all day trying to figure out ways to make money. With my 7-year, dual degree program, Weed has allowed me to make a real sharp business model for my enterprise"
-- Hippie from Boulder, CO

"My homegrow operation was a complete dud! Thanks to the excellent staff at Weed, my weed is so sticky icky icky i have to vaccum seal it just to carry it around town with me in my cargo pants"
-- Green Thumb from Vancouver

"Once i learned how to make pipes on the go, i started my own ecommerce website selling pipes of any kind-- corn on the cob, apples, oranges, cucumbers-- any kind of quick pipe! Now my honda civic is so fucking hella tight bra!"
-- Asian Sensation, Cali

Extracurricular Clubs
- Nationally ranked Ultimate Frisbee team
- 420 Daily Club
- Glassblowing
- Waterbong Sports
- Bong Yahtzee Club
- Green Thumb Grower's Club
- Gooball Eaters Anonymous
- Hippy Dance Marathon Fundraiser
- Conpiracy Theory Creators Club

If youre not convinced that this is the best way to invest hours of your free time, then please come by the campus for a tour and a visit. You wont be able to sample any of the new strains we are researching and cultivating, but you can be damn sure youll want to come back to school here. We hope you enjoyed reading about Weed College, registration is open for the Fall semester and we look forward to seeing all you potheads there on Orientation Day!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

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When the 'Katz' Away...

This weekend was one long 72 hour binge fest of drugs and alcohol and testosterone. despite the fact that all my old college buddies are all up on my jock for me to blog about them, the best part about this being my blog is that i can do whatever the fuck i want with it. with that in mind, if one of the bitches who was taking digipics all weekend long wants to email them to me at work, i am sure i could craftily construct a blog regarding what happens when 20 20-somethings get together for a weekend of debauchery.

this week the roomie is travelling for work. he does it pretty frequently, mostly during weekdays and some weekends when he is feeling spicy. here is a cartoon illustrating what kind of activities go down the minute he locks the door and says goodbye.

about 7-10 kitties are killed on average when katz is away

(if you are a retard and dont know what this means, i suggest you go here or here)

Thursday, September 01, 2005

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Katrina Huffs Petrol

Two things that are really just frustrating the shit out of me today... now I don’t want to be all unoriginal and talk about gasoline prices in Atlanta. Shit everyone is probably blogging about it from around here and I just cant fall into that follower mode. However, I will say that gas prices are extraordinarily high and it is definitely not due to any gas shortages going on in this region. The only reason the gas prices are so high is because of the media circus surrounding the hurricane disaster and traffic-thirsty ATLiens worried about their precious fossil fuels running out over labor day weekend. Now why in the world would an entire city suddenly get the same idea to rush out to the pumps and buy gasoline on the same day? Because people do not know how to keep their fucking mouths shut when they hear some gossipy rumor about a gas shortage. Do you know how many forwards I got with the same general message yesterday at work? I decided to do a print screen because my conspiracy theories are rarely true...

I am sure thousands of these went out across the wire when the AJC reported it. Over at Atlanta Metroblogging some idiot posted the same thing early in the morning. Almost everyone bought into this email forward for absolutely no reason. I heard on 96 rock this morning there were fucking fistfights at some gas stations. One story in the paper today says a guy pulled a gun after cutting someone off in line. You Georgians are fucking crazy crazy fucking idiots. How is it possible that you have nothing better to do than buy big SUVs for absolutely no snowfall or ice, complain when the price crept above 2 bucks, live 45 miles outside a metro area, and then throw fisticuffs when you are too dumb to realize that the emergency 6 hours away has little effect on your suburbian commuting gas guzzling PTA momma car?

In the words of the great napoleon dynamite, frickin idiots. On a side note, speaking of napoleon, his star is rising in tokeywood and the assistant producer I know is currently working on this bad boy. (follow the todd Phillips link in case you don’t know who that is)

The second thing that is frustrating me has to do with the hurricane damage left behind. Now despite my sarcastic tone and the fact that I say shit that no one wants to hear, like how Stephen hawking makes me sick to look at, or that lance armstrong’s trendy fashion bracelets should be smelted together and made into a huge mcdonalds playland, I would like to say that Katrina has really fucked up my no limit texas hold em strategy for October. As bad as it is in new Orleans, an hour east in Biloxi Mississippi, things are not looking peachy either. My favorite casino, the Grand in Biloxi, is completely obliterated. Basically only two casinos in all of Biloxi survived, and the Beau Rivage poker room is crap compared to the grand. Just to give you an idea of how much I love the grand, you can see I blogged about it here, here, and here.

These are the pictures (I ganked from cnn) regarding the status of the casinos in Biloxi.

a barge got tossed across an entire highway

this casino is definitely on tilt

the grand casino before

the grand casino after

the grand casino after we runs through it. thats skance on the left.

a small tear just rolled down my cheek, i think. Old Grand Casino, we shall miss you.... i hope the new Grand Casino 2008 is as awesome as you were. as long as they leave the hot dogs on rotation we should all be ok.