Friday, September 09, 2005

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The Inside Secrets of a Frat House + Party

Thats right yatches, today shoob is going to teach you all about the wonderful ways in which frat guys design their parties, setup, and behavior patterns to entice young muffin into disregarding anything they learned from their parents and kindly fall out of their clothes and into the arms of a willing-to-please-until-something-better-comes-along mentality of fratty frat frat boy. it may not be pretty, it may not apply at schools like MIT, but this is the cold hard truth about those places youve either never been to, checked out once or twice, or you were such a house rat that you suckfucked your way to the presidential suite (where i once slept).


So this is the layout of a typical frat basement...namely our design, but i am sure similar houses have a similar concept. basically this is 4 rooms: game room, all-purpose room, kitchen, laundry. In the top room, you have a (A) pool table where i can count on two hands how many guys railed a girl there. beer pong tables are also lined up in rows to allow for round-robin tourneys or just 'winner stays' formats of pong games. we play 10 cups, no bouncing, 2 balls in same cup= 3 drinks + ball back, 2 balls in 2 cups = 2 drinks + ball back, re-rack on 6 and 3 cups left only, blowing is for bitches. hope you got all that. also in this room is (B), the bar. this is where two trash cans full of milwaukee beast would remain on ice until the party started. 6-8 brothers rotated party duties, including two men manning the trash cans distributing beers to either brothers or hot girls, no strangers/guys. staircase leads to main floor. in the main room, a (C)dance floor served two purposes... one, for the frat bros to not know anyone at their party and play wheres waldo giving hi-fives to their buddies, acting cocky, and generally not caring who trashes the place. second, of course, to shake ass with the long line of hot freshies that shuffles into the room, completely unaware of what is going to happen next. obviously there is a (D) stage for DJ Sensei and/or DJ Kool/Biz Markie to spin jam jams. house speakers are included. each frat has a (E) kitchen where cooks like Ray Pontes make the kids eat gross shit. of course there is a (F) cooks bathroom, where our cook snorted lines upon lines. there is also a laundry set there.


if you continue on our tour upstairs, you can see how the typical layout of the floor was. The first room (A) was called the Bone Room. this is where you went to bone if you didnt live in the house, were locked out and needed to get your nut, or maybe you were just into changing up the environment. the room had some couches and desks and shit in there, but basically any 6x4 space was feasible. one time skance cut a girls head open in there and neither of them recollected how it had happened. the other room (B) is the house mom/dads room. this is usually a 20something who wants free rent and digs on college boys right after they graduate. of course there were also frat frat brother rooms on each floor (3) and the corner bedrooms had their own bathroom/shower, while the middles had to share. lets look inside one of these rooms....


This happens to be the coolest room in the place, and i happened to live with opdyke the human sponge that year, so i ixperienced a ton of boozing and shit while i was supposed to be the responsible one. all the beds (A),(F) were full size beds... this room happens to be a 2-story loft so my bed was upstairs. each room had a variety of (B),(E) papasans, couches, and of course every frat room has to have a futon with pullout bed option. tables with bongs and empty beer cans. (C) fat tv and stereo system. (D) solo bathroom with shower and puking facilities. the key to this room was a (G) spiral stair case which a two-story funnel was wound around and split for dual funneling action. you could get down on your knees with a girl and suck down a big fat beer bong, then pass out on the couch right there :)

The way a party works in a place like this is from the bottom up. Hordes of freshmen are packed into the basement trying to get into the beer room or the dance floor. As they make their way upstairs, the level of action goes from strong to weak. first floor is the best spot, 2 cases of natty were usually given to each room. second floor got one case per room. third floor had to fend for themselves. like i said before the beer room was overflowing with beers, but you had to be either hot or sucking a brothers dick to get one.

if you have kids now, they will probably be on the brunt end of this model as freshmen. if you are going to have kids, doesnt it suck to know youre going to pay 40K to send them through this process? if your kids are in a frat, they do this every weekend. any other inside secrets i can let you in on, just ask.

dont forget your towel this weekend. nfl/college summaries can be read on vicklantasy. corned beef sundays are back! kanye west new album is mids. cee-lo green the soul machine plays MJQ tonight. run vick run! later yalls.

5 Comments:

At 9/09/2005 10:11 PM, Blogger erik love said...

like i said before the beer room was overflowing with beers, but you had to be either hot or sucking a brothers dick to get one.

So did you get that beer big boy?

You guy's going to have some pick's n shit at the Vicklasty shit? Or just Fantasy Football?

I don't do FF, no more. That shit literally took away my life. I was in my house all day, everyday, fuckin with that shit.

Let me know what's the plan over there man.

 
At 9/10/2005 8:24 PM, Anonymous TOMA said...

Umm shoobie

I do not agree with your Kanye review...ask bali wood to re enact some prime moves and lyrics and your opinion will be reversed.

Crackball

 
At 9/12/2005 12:48 PM, Anonymous Jeremy said...

it may not be pretty, it may not apply at schools like MIT, but this is the cold hard truth about those places youve either never been to, checked out once or twice, or you were such a house rat that you suckfucked your way to the presidential suite (where i once slept).

Nice choice of words towards the end there. It makes it sound like you suckfucked your way to sleeping in the presidential suite (once). I suppose this means you're coming out or was this one of those "I was drunk and I don't recall those 20 seconds of pleasure" type of things?

 
At 9/12/2005 1:09 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

wow, i guess you and erik both read too much into this. while it is true that plenty of frat guys are gay, its funnier that you two interpreted it a different way, since EVERY OTHER POST on this site illustrates my appetite for vaginas.

house rats are by definition lady whores who have slept with 3+ brothers... to think that fratty frattys have a bunch of young boys hanging around the house means you are getting 'fucking' confused with 'rush'.

 
At 9/12/2005 8:21 PM, Blogger Fat Asian Baby said...

dammit, people need start personally alerting me to these corned beef shindigs. i simply can't be missing any more events oriented around meat or alcohol consumption.

 

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