Tuesday, September 20, 2005

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Toady Bump + other swimps

Yesss.... another bland episode where i get to dispel all the crazy wack shit building up as notes to myself in the celly text message bin. for the record, i am finally getting an un-Zack Morris cell phone in a few days, thanks to verizons horrible renewal plan.

1. OK so the other day i was at a buddys place and they were cooking some dinner for whatever chica was going over there. so there was a loaf of bread out to make garlic bread and i was like oooh, can i have the toady bump? and they were like the what?!? and i was like, the toady bump.. ya know, like the end of the loaf. they had never heard of this concept. so then i looked into it on google... to no avail. apparently no one out there has even written the words toady bump = the end of a loaf of bread. sooo... is this just a kentucky thing? a shoobie family vocab word? does anyone know what i am talking about?! and what the fuck do the rest of you call it.... dont say heel, that sounds gay.

2. OK huge pet peeve of mine (and there are many)... waitresses who are toooo accomodating and overextending their courteous waitressing behavior. like if youre at breakfast and you order two eggs scrambled, toast, hashbrowns, oj. and the waitress says something like 'hey ill go ahead and bring out your toast and oj now so you have something to munch on'. i mean lady, thats a ridiculous over-extension of the generic waitressing duties. you dont have to do that, and i dont really want you to. what possible reason would i have to not wanting all the food at the same time? there is a similar lady to that in qdoba on ponce, she is like tiny with glasses, semi-rat-looking. she extends beyond the bounds of what she needs to do, therefore causing a huge bottleneck traffic jam because she offered to serve the food in a more special, but time consuming way. i hope you know what i mean. here is all a waitress needs to do for my tip: smile, be somewhat courteous (unless its vortex or ed debevics), get the order right, bring the food, ask once about refills and how it is, and bring the check when you know we're done. meal over, tip extended, no pet peeve.

3. I know there is a company out there called cafepress.com, where you can basically set up a catalog with your logo on it and sell any items you want. they get the meat, you get whatever you mark it up for, and everyone wins. the shirts and hoodies are unreasonable ($$), but i have been dying to make a few tshirts that i know people will want to wear. almost urban outfitters in style. i want to basically make an "I Slayed the..." series. who in their right mind would not want a shirt right now that says: I Slayed the SAT. for current apprentices like my boy yankatz, I Slayed the GMAT. sell like hotcakes i tell you. hotcakes.

4. Jose Canseco officially ruined baseball. that guy did more damage to the spirit of baseball than my kitty-killing spree of early September ever caused. first off, you signed on to be a part of what is commonly known as a B-list celebrity graveyard reality show. Surreal Life, in case youre not fans of watching awful actors make themselves look like lunatics. Then he pays someone to write his auto-biography, since he clearly does not have a grasp on the english language. in this book he calls "Juiced" he drops names of former teammates he knew were doing steroids. he doesnt say they are wrong, he just drops the names so his book sells copies. like they should be forced to go down on the burning ship of bankrupt with you because youre an asshole. meanwhile baseball has been turned upside down by congress (what the fuck?) who has nothing better to do considering they are running a country into the ground. i know this story is old, but god damn i hate jose canseco. the only plus-side to this whole thing is that a legitimate player like andruw jones has a chance to belt the most HRs in a season... well below the current 'juiced up' record.

5. Girls who bum cigarettes. hey, thats cool i guess. what is not cool is to bum it for a guy youre with who is too much of a chicken shit/homophobe/shyboy? to ask for himself. sure, you can have a cigarette. oh, you want a light too? butane costs a buck a pop.

6. whats the deal with the college kids who take a year off from school to 'go to europe'. whats over there that is so crucial to you finding yourself inbetween sophomore and junior year? what experience is so vital to your being that you have to break up college into two halves? i dont get the concept, and maybe its because i have never set foot on the continent of europe, but can someone explain why tons of college kids decide they need to walk the earth for a year?

Closing thought: Bring Back Freaknik!


At 9/21/2005 1:01 PM, Blogger Fat Asian Baby said...


At 9/21/2005 2:48 PM, Blogger achoo said...

Wow, #5 is just low. What dude can't sac up and bum a cigarette off someone himself (or just buy your own pack, cheapass).

Not sure I agree on Canseco. Sure, there's not much he won't do to make a buck, but it's looking pretty strongly like he's telling the truth on the roids guys. I think that's great that he's outing them, especially since so many are so damn smug and overly revered (McGwire, Palmeiro)...if it stops them from going to the Hall of Fame, I'm fine with that.

At 9/21/2005 2:51 PM, Blogger achoo said...

also, never heard of toady bump, maybe not a kentucky thing.

and on the t-shirts - here's the thing. if you buy one because it's true, it's likely many people you hang out with also did as well, so no differentiation. when you are in public with the less test-savvy, you invite shit talk, not a lot of upside there either...

At 9/25/2005 10:24 AM, Blogger SK said...

How about the servers who just get too damn friendly? They pull up a chair and chat... Meanwhile, you're sitting there waiting for a refill and they are shooting the shit with some other table.

I think anyone that does the Surreal Life has scraped as low as one can go. Except maybe Celebrity Fit Club. What if Conseco went on there and juiced up Nick Nolte (not exactly the most mentally stable one in the bunch). That would be entertaining.

At 9/26/2005 3:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


In my never ending quest for unadulterated procrastination, your postless week has left me with nothing to do do but catch up on my contracts and torts reading

...up here in the Cuse boy o boy were all these Bills fans fumming from this past weekend.

Also thought it was funny that if you were to google Toady Bump, the only post that comes up is your own...I think you made it up.



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