Friday, April 29, 2005

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Family Guy and the Cartoon Highlights

If you have completely lost touch with pop culture, i can understand how you wouldnt know that May 1, 2005, marks a tremendously important day in tv history. this sunday, the most remarkable accomplishment to ever grace tv will occur. for the first time, a network will bring back a television show into production AFTER it was cancelled. usually another network buys the rights for repeat airings (reruns); but never before has a show been cancelled and then re-activated for new episode airings.

So in honor of Family Guy's ali-like return to the ring, i have decided to make a huge list of all the cartoons that i have either watched or can rip on bigtime. They need to be divided into kid cartoons and adult cartoon categories....the list is quite long. (if i left any out im sure you will point out my shortcomings)

Adventures of Superman
Alf the animated series
Alvin and the Chipmunks
classic...its also sweet when jonnys voice sounds like alvin, due to still going through puberty.

i used to go home to watch animaniacs on a regular basis from 9th-12th grade. mander and i would talk like pinky and the bran until no end. what a quality show. because theyre dinky, theyre pinky and the brain brain brain brain brain.

Bobbys World
Bugs Bunny Show
Bullwinkle Show
Captain Caveman

Captain Planet
despite the fact that i cannot stand nature, this show was pretty sweet. plus i have always had a thing for dressing in tight spandex and cruising around the earth playing with 5 little third world country kids on a regular basis.

Casper the Friendly Ghost
now it just reminds me of the real casper the friendliest ghost, friendliest ghost in town who died of a drug addiction issue.

Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers
Daffy Duck Show
Dennis the Menace
Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids
G.I. Joe
Garfield and Friends
Gumby Show

Gummi Bears
i always wanted to try the gummi juice. then i could be like mike!

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
Inspector Gadget
Jem and the Holograms
ya i watched it... suck my balls! i was a little 8 year old coming to terms with the ladies.

Mighty Mouse
Mr. Magoo
Mr. T
i pity the poor soul who ever watched the A-Team as a child. myself included.

The Muppet Babies
Ren & Stimpy Show
old high school version was sweet! new 2000s version is laame.

Road Runner Show
Schoolhouse Rock
the only state to not ever invest in this brainwashing absurdity was the great state of Kentucky.

Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?
She-Ra: Princess of Power
damn this was one of the best cartoons of all times. i aspired to be Grouchy more than anyone, although i may have ended up just like Jokey. smurfette truly is a fox. also smurf ride at Kings Island was very very sweet.

tight. i dont remember anything about this show, just a cool word.

Speed Racer
SpongeBob SquarePants
Super Mario Brothers
Sylvester & Tweety Show
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
yup i was all over this one. action figures. daily viewings of TMNT cartoon + both movies. i also happen to identify with pizza cravings and all things being green. additionally, i have superior bo staff skills, numchuck skills, etc.

The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
i once lost a spelling bee due to the fact that 'hunny' is in fact spelled 'honey'

Tin Tin
Tiny Toon Adventures
Tom and Jerry
Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch
classic boys cartoon featuring talking motorcycles. ya that seems practical. also no memories of shows, just that i definitely watched it all the time.

Woody Woodpecker Show
The Wuzzles
also watched this show for some reason. remember, its like two animals combined. note: they had not invented a Liger yet, which is basically my favorite animal of all times.

Yogi Bear Show

Aqua Teen Hunger Force
i know this is like all the new hype on cartoon network adult swim. but i have still not caught onto it and probably wont ever. ever ever. blasphemy? blow me.

Beavis and Butthead
hours and hours of wasted time, masses of brain cells lost, sole responsibility for the words 'like' and 'uhh' in todays speech patterns of 20somethings can be traced back to this one show.

Clerks: the Animated Series
definitely funny if youre into kevin smith. didnt quite catch on and ran for like 8 episodes. netflixable and available on dvdank.


Jason Alexander breathes life into this ridiculously neurotic and self-serving duck, whose cohorts include cornfed, bernice, and ajax the burnout son played by Dweezil Zappa.

Futurama - never caught on with me either
Kid Notorious

King of the Hill
damn good animation, way more creative than any beavis and butthead sketches. hank hill is what brought nascar and jeff foxworthy to higher levels of fame than ever before. luanne is like my ideal white trash ladyfriend.

Liquid tv - remember aeon flux! so weird. first peek into anime i believe.
Sealab 2021
Simpsons - come on, no need to explain here.
South Park - ditto.
Stripperella - can pamela and her 2 bubs please just disappear.

The Critic
jon lovitz is hilarious in this cartoon about a loser movie critic who no one respects.

The Head on MTV


Anyway just thought i would take a trip down memory lane. if you have additional cartoons that you feel i have left off please feel free to berade me. cartoons that sucked or i didnt see were not included, but i would love to hear about others. also corned beef may 1st twains 4 pm. laters, have a sweet weekend.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

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ATLien Drivers

so i am what some would call an agressive driver. for example, when a light changes from red to green, i gun the gas and shoot from 0-50 in the fastest time possible. when there is traffic all up and down briarcliff, they are impeding my shit and little blood vessels somewhere in my body pop when this goes down. i occasionally like to play 'racecar' due to the fact that i sometimes cant distinguish between 'video game time' and 'the real thing'. for example, driving from ponce towards decatur/church street nucka, i am actually wario and imma gonna win. (gamers, explain that to the noobs)

the people in this town drive like complete fucking idiots. i am officially on tilt when i am in the car because of all the shitty driving. i think that ATLien drivers have officially surpassed Indiana on "worst people's license plates to see on the road ahead of you" list. and thats bad, because hoosiers really cannot drive worth a damn.

i would like to now take this time to explain some important things you atlanta drivers may have forgotten since your 1st day of drivers ed.

now i know its not malibu lebowski, but stay with me. this sign means exactly what it says. so when youre on a steep incline hill and cant see the curved road to your left... dont make a right on red!! a badass might be driving 50 in a 40 and crush your dodge neon. also be sure not to make a left on red either, for you will most certainly be collided with.

ok. this sign doesnt reeeally mean 35. maybe 40, or even 44. certainly not 34. or 30. please dont punish others around you just because its sunday and youve been cooped up in church all day. we have shit to do mother fucker!

here's the deal with this sign. if you hit a pedestrian in a crosswalk, you will probably go to jail. if you run through a crosswalk while people are in it and a cop catches you, you will get a ticket. i mean if you needed to walk over to fontaines because moes is just too emory right now, you wouldnt want to get hit on the way over either, would you? they make the stripes big and bright across both lanes just in case you dont see the sign. try and stop for humans.

this invention is called a turn signal. when making a left turn, a right turn, basically any turn, just throw on the signal in the direction of the turn and people behind you wont hit you. it is also appropriate to note that a 5 second courtesy warning is nice, and a 1 second warning is cutting it a little close. some blinker is better than no blinker at all.

other things to note:
- speed humps are not giant spikes in the road. you can go over them at 10 mph even with big bertha in the car.
- upon approaching a 6-way intersection, yield to the people driving on the main road. then operate counter-clockwise around the intersection. this does not include running your yield sign to cut off a driver and go 35 in the 35.
- when you see a toll booth, evaluate your situation. if you dont have exact change, proceed to the cashier booth. if you do have change, make sure its there when you pull up!
- if you own a fast car, dont poke around in the left lane not passing anyone and setting up jewish roadblocks all over the place. bmw drivers are especially guilty of this. you bought that car for a reason, now use it.
- if you are driving in the highlands on narrow neighborhood roads with cars on both sides, please do not drive in the middle of the road and expect drivers coming at you to just pull over and let you through. move your car into your lane and slowly pass the oncoming car.
- cell phone drivers in georgia are easier to find than fish in a barrel. please maintain current speeds and stay in your lane. this does not mean saying hi to mommy allows you to disregard the traffic behind you that you havent seen in 10 minutes due to you never checking your rear view mirror. (PS- handsfree is so guy. learn to drive and talk or dont pick it up)

it sounds like i drive fast all the time, which i do, but i am also pretty defensive in terms of looking ahead and seeing situations play out. like if i am in the right lane and the light turns red and the guy behind me needs to make a right, i get into the left lane. or if i see someone trying to pull onto the road, ill get over so they can get into the intersection quicker. little things like this will help out everyone else on the road to go faster and safer.

just like the digital music divide, i feel that there exists a driving divide in atlanta. theres the out of state guys and the fulton/dekalb drivers, and then theres everyone else. i would say 90% of the time i get cut off or pissed off is from a georgia driver from bucktooth county who came down to the big ol city for home depot sales on lumber and scrap metal. this also includes gwinnet drivers, who should just stick to peachtree industrial and old state bridge road at all times.

also, is anyone else looking forward to how many playas trade in their H2s for an H3 despite the gas costing a college tuition for fillup? i know ron mexico doesnt stop for hoes, he's gonna pick up the limited edition niggas.

Please try and be better drivers. that is all thank you.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

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CDz Nuts: Part Deux

(continued from below me)
Ok ok, so i left ya hanging there. i just have a lot to say about music and i figured two blogs was the best way to split it up. sorry to emily for just hanging you out there, but i can make it up.

Ipod. to buy or not to buy, that is the question. with the money that i use to buy used CDs, i could just buy an ipod and then download as many things as i can. it will be difficult considering that A-town-shoady is not wired, but i know i can think of something. there are ways to share files with people you know who have 10,000 songs for itunes. i could then burn any albums in my car individually. orrr, i could buy one of these.

does anyone else not see this major digital media divide that ipod is causing? half the hipsters in the USA already have ipods. they downloaded millions of songs last year. some paid. what is the other half waiting for? are CDs something to hold onto, or are they going to be as meaningless as the VHS tape? am i wasting my time restoring my old collex? should i just make a huge change and start being an ipod slave? is anyone getting sick of rhetorical questions?

i think for now i am going to be a little bitch about it. i mean i held out until senior year of college for a celly and finally succumbed due to bitchy mom tendencies. cd player quality is crucial to the bose in my car. cd collections are well worth it. i love flipping through mine and other peoples cd books, not scrolling through their mp3 folders. i will continue to sup up my CD collection and refuse to bite the ipod bullet.

here are the CDs i have bought so far:
Weezer - Maladroit
Beck - Guero
REM - Monster
G. Love & Special Sauce - Yeah Its That Easy (shout out to rebbe)
Aerosmith - Get A Grip
Jamiroquai - Travelling Without Moving
Talib Kweli
The Roots
Ben Folds Five - Ben Folds Five
Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams
Beck - Odelay!
Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
Tom Petty - Wildflowers
DMB - Crash
Outkast - Stankonia
Beastie Boys - Ill Communication
Beastie Boys - To The 5 Boroughs
DMB - Before These Crowded Streets
REM - New Adventures in HiFi
Kanye West - College Dropout

I really want to check my friend's CD collections for any albums i could easily burn instead. You can have any of these full albums as well. Hook a brotha up. The less scratched the better.... like no one actually has an unscratched Wyclef Jean - The Carnival, Sublime - 40 oz, REM - anything. get my point?

also, how dank is old dave matthews. before he started mumbling and stuttering about the music and just played it. god damn crash is the best album ever. please re-unite me with those clutch albums.

which leads me to the closer. bloggers. i try to come up with fun things for you to do in the day when youre bored. so please play along. 1) whats better: CDs or Ipod. and why. 2) what albums are crucial to have the whole album and not just take swipes at it with mp3s?

CDz Nuts

hi. 8th grade called. it wants its jokes back.

I am a big fan of music. A lot of people say that... but there are all different types of music lovers out there. so lets dig deeper. i would rather go to a live concert than any other activity. one of my fears is having to pick between two awesome shows. i cannot stand talk radio. in the morning, afternoon, evening, and even those 4 am biloxi runs, tunes only. i used to have an mp3 player in my car. 100s of tunes at a time on one disc but also played regular cds. heaven. then some schvatties stole my shit (3 times total) and ganked my CDs to boot. all of them. nirvana in utero. weezer the blue one. rem automatic for the people. even presidents of the united states of fuckin' amurrica. all my beastie boys. all my shit. gone.

so lets talk mp3s. i had a buddy way ahead of the times in high school. singer would rip other peoples CDs onto his little 640MB computers and burn mix cds for $5 a disc at 1x speed. he couldnt get a network of mp3s, and there was no napster, but he just took all the CDs of anyone who wanted a mix cd. i used to have him make dank "love cds" with marvin gaye and dave matthews and al green. that was when i didnt know shit. anyway, i digress.

in college mp3s were like the new crack. i was the tyrone biggums of napster. man i downloaded everything. emory didnt know shit about bandwith issues or legal property rights back then, so tunes just flowed like water. people inside the dorm were also getting movies and video games, windowsXP, all cracked shit, and just sharing it with everyone on campus. for four years i stockpiled the most massive selection of finely chosen tunes ever. it was throughout this time that all my cds got stolen. i cared, but i figured i could just roll my mp3s forever and just ride it out.

alas, i have come to a weird crossroads in my life. i mean i rip off interpol like a mother fucker right now. whatever, i said it. and i downloaded so many mp3s. but for some reason i have had a recent resurgence of motivation to purchase whole albums. i know you can probably download a whole album for free and risk getting caught. but i kind of miss the artwork on the front. or the fact that even if i dont want songs 5, 8, and 11, i can just fast forward because most of the cd is dank. i used to have some dank dank albums, and i should try and restore my collection plus add on new discs as they are released.

my friend emily IMed me the other day and said she is the god of all itunes. she has 10,000 songs. she abuses her ipod to the point that it doesnt even like the sound of music anymore. she has free reign on millions of songs because the entire city of philly is 'wired'. she threw away all her old CDs.

errererrrrr huuuuuuh?!?! (imagine the record scratching to a stop at a club)

you threw away....CDs?! threw them away. just like, in the trash? blasphemy.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

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Ixpectant Mothers

Thanks to the gentle giant aka lenman aka lenmonster for this wonderful cell phone capture of yesterdays 420 debacle. after ditching said sweetwater party, we drove towards my main man with the chron bubon connex's house and stopped at the mall to basically burn time, high.

its one thing to let the handicap people have their parking spaces right up front. ok, we get it. the nice thing to do is to let you have the bomb spot because its hard to get in and out of the sped bus. or van. even stephen hawking has to get the fuck to the mall sometimes.

but what i want to know is....

since when did we start taking away the spot AFTER the handicap spot for preggie bitches?

(note to reader: the sunlight caused a glare over the 'E'... but it coulda been an I!)

also note that the ixxperience would not be having his babys momma shop at north dekalb mall. lenox/phipps is where i takes my preggies.

Leash Kids

I fully recognize that kids these days are very different than the kids that were around when i was a little curler growing up. we had black/white gameboy with 20 games, all 2D. these kids have fully color enhanced 24 hour battery Gcubex267239 and take them to baseball games because the cartoon Smoltz is more real than the real Smoltz. we had little dinky scooters that went 10 mph max and the wheels got stuck in any mud. kids these days have those badass razor scooters. no one got a blowjob in middle school unless they were dating kristin donut; i mean we were passing notes and being idiots about girls. blowjobs in 6th grade are a dime a dozen nowadays, not to mention text messaging from your sidekick 2 about whose bar mitzvah you wanna hit up this weekend. point being, kids these days are just completely different than we were.

Parenting seems to be pretty standard. I mean there arent vast changes to the way parents are thinking... however you were raised, youre probably going to either be extremely similar or completely opposite if you thought your parents sucked balls. so for example when i become a dad, things like dont point at other people, chew with your mouth closed, look both ways before crossing the street, are just pretty simple lessons that must be drilled inside the kids heads.

so here is what i am wondering... when did a group of parents decide to get together, hijack an idea from the 'discipline' section of the pet store, and put velcro on it for their human children?

Oh come on kid... it cant be THAT fun

I would of course be talking about the child leash. or child harness, as it is more commonly referred to, in order to make it sound nicer and sweeter, with more love, than a leash for your kid. now i know its easy to bash the parents who use the leashes. saying things like: dont you love your child? dont you feel like your child should be able to explore? dont you think the child sees other parents giving you guilty looks? do you run your house like a zoo?

here we see a leash child 'incognito' so his mom wont feel guilty

and of course all these questions are reasonable, considering that you are an ADULT and he is a CHILD and you are supposed to be helping him learn when its ok to run around and when he needs to stay close by. or maybe 'hold my hand while we cross the street, make sure to look both ways'. or maybe 'stay with mommy'. i mean there are probably a million solutions to not resorting to a fucking leash for your child.

even this hippie has issues. 'the damn kid wont mellow out for 5 minutes!'

here is what one momma says: "If you dont want them to run off, teach them not to run off."
here is what another momma says: "...the leash conveys an innapropriate message by using physical force instead of words to keep your child near you"
here is what momma 3 said to those 2 bitches: "listen bitches, i am a neurotic scared to death of anything remotely bad happening to my baby kind of momma. what if he gets a booboo? then i have to deal with the crying!"
and to all 3 of these mommas here is what i say: wrap it up.... wrap it up.

so anyway, i guess i can step off the soapbox until tomorrow. if for some reason you were a leash child, i guess that means you had some behavior issues or poor parent role models, who knows. if you are thinking about leashing your children, you should definitely not fucking do it. i would hate to see pictures in a scrapbook/on the internet one day of me as a child in a leash. and finally, if a kid is out of control and dumb enough to run off into the street or around the mall with no regard for his parents whereabouts... well, my man Darwin already thought that one out.
apologies to my 420 brethren for yesterdays debacle. if i had known it was $9 for your first beer and $4 for each one thereafter, i would never have promoted the event. sweetwater is usually flowing like water for free, i guess this was a charity event. the swarm of cops naturally didnt help. can anyone PLEASE confirm that piedmont park thing? i want to smoke trees there. thank you and have a wonderful day.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

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A Little KY Solves Everything

I’m not gonna do, what you all think im gonna do, which is just totally flip out! Nevermind the fact that I built this blog from the ground up. All I wanna know is, who’s comin with me? Who's comin' with me to the best event that the state of Kentucky has to offer (besides rick pitino ball)?

Every year since I have been in atlanta, there has been a major decision to make. Music midtown.... or Kentucky derby. music midtown. kentucky derby. Now most music lovers would say dude, its no contest, you get 50 bands for 50 bucks! But that doesnt really make any sense, since you can only watch one show at a time and the artists have been hit or miss the past few years. Plus with no Z93 stage, thats one less set of shows i would want to see probably being replaced by some lame country shit that i would never waste my hearing capability on. Plus the price is on a steady increase to be over 100 bucks soon (its $75 now) and im sure the services and amenities are being cut back, not to mention the bands officially are not worth it this year. However..... the best news ever was brought to my attention re: this years music midtown. they decided to hold the show the first weekend in June, not May!

Now regardless of the fact that Counting Crows, Black Crowes, Mayer, Jack Johnson, G Love, Cowboy Mouth, Wyclef, STP, and countless other good artists will not be seen this year, there are some big names: Tom Petty, White Stripes, Kid Rock.... oops, thats about all i see on the list. now lets talk about what you get at the other thing....

The 131st running of the Kentucky Derby, May 7th, 2005. There are 22 horses in this years derby race, which takes place sometime around 7ish pm. But of course there are races all day beginning at 11 am. This is where the true test of endurance lies. Do you still have it in you to wake up at 8 am, cruise down to the track, find parking in some horrible south end yard, sneak alcohol in the Shoobie way (my secrets for 100% success will never be shared), pound booze for hours and hours on end in the (hopefully) blistering heat and sun, not lose your entire bankroll picking the trifecta box 1-7-4 winners, catch glimpses of titty titty titty titty titty titty titty (you get the idea right), possibly pass out of exhaustion, haul dank food, go out later that night with all the fucking crazy tourists in town for 2 days, and wake up the next morning to drive back down to A-town?

well if this sounds like something you could actually commit to and not pussy out for at the last minute, then i think i have a spot in mama shoobs house for you. for all the rest of you, here is what youre missing. in all honesty you should try and make it to kentucky for this one thing at some point soon in your life. bring beads.

this is what 90% of kentuckians look like up close

ridiculous looking hats are all part of the festivities

kentucky slogan: beautiful horses and fast women

mint juleps are a must-have on derby day

see, even this dumb bitch shows up for the best 2 minutes in sports

the only thing you might not see the whole day could be horsies

Monday, April 18, 2005

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420 Is In 3 Days!

Ahh yes, the annual pothead celebration.... a time to do something COMPLETELY different from the standard practices of the other 364 days of the year. why do we make a huuuge deal about 4/20 the date? true potheads probably smoke 3 times a day, so i guess on our annual holiday we concoct brownies AND get really blunted.

now before i go into one of the greatest struggles of all times, my recollection of 420 ixxperience, i would like to point out a few urban myths about the origins of 420.

- 420 is the penal code section for marijuana use in California.
- It's the Los Angeles or New York police radio code for marijuana smoking in progress.
- It's the number of chemical compounds in marijuana.
- April 20 is the date that Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, or Janis Joplin died.
- The 20th of April is the best time to plant marijuana.
- Albert Hofmann took the first deliberate LSD trip at 4:20 on 19 April 1943.

none of these bitches is true.

now i have a little question for the readers of the blog out there. an urban myth i need sorted out. i have heard that on 4/20, you can somehow go to piedmont park with whatever weed you have and smoke it all in public in the middle of the park with hundreds of other hippies and the cops cannot do shit about it. i heard that as long as you twist it, not bring glass and shit like that, if you have nothing on you when you leave the park then you cannot be arrested at any point during the 4/20 'rally' or whatever it is in the park. can someone either send me a url or some proof that this is true? otherwise i will continue to head elsewhere for my heady parties.

next thing to sort out.... what to do this year on 4/20. its a wednesday, so trivia night is just going to have to be skipped this week. while perusing the superweb, i came across a brand spanking new festivus brought to you by the boogie down brewers from sweetwater. now that these guys are in the fucking money, they can start to promote cool shit like.....

Sweetwater's 420 Festival. April 20th. 3-10 pm. Oakhurst's Harmony Park. (in decatur) $5 a head, probably ensures all you can drink of the Blue, the 420, the IPA, etc etc. Bands include: Eden, Mile 8, and the headliners from the bay area Tea Leaf Green. Hippie chicks will surely be involved. Jewfro will be picked out and in full effiz. Here is the link and of course a map in case you, like me, never frequent this side of decatur.

In other news, the source of the lung butter has been traced to ridiculous amounts of pollen in the air. accordingly scratchy throat, watery eyes, and hocking up black gobs are just a natural stage in the allergy ridden A town. also, i havent smoked a full cig since last tuesday and it feels pretty sweet.

mcgookey brought his lady friend out to a public appearance party this weekend at kevin federline's spot. she was cool except for one thing.... her exceptionally mishaped knuckles. after giving her the 'respeck' and bumping knuckles, she broke skin on mine. this has caused extreme aggravation any time i get bored at the cube and start pounding out beats on my desk. it has also brought about a new vocab word, crunkles. its like the new cankles.

also, crispy bacon means crispy, mother fucker. half heap days are dwindling.

somehow the braves, mets, phillies, and marlins are all tied for 2nd and the washington nationals are in 1st place atop the NL East. its early yall.

last and certainly not least, if you havent already set your tivos, Ali Kliegmo (most famously noted for her Journey of Reconciliation to the Mississippi Delta in the summer of 2003) will be appearing this afternoon at 4:00 pm on MTV's Room Raiders. She is the raider and i cannot wait to hear what actually happened vs. what the editors can make it look like.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

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Lung Butter

those of you who have never smoked cigarettes or copious amounts of marijuana will probably not understand this post. springtime is here and as predicted, pine pollen is everywhere. as a result shoobie's throat has been in excruciating pain hocking up gross pollen-flem from the depths of my lungs. cottonmouth is an understatement. this morning when i woke up from my 11 hours of sleep, my lips were all chapped and stuck together from breathing through my mouth all night. i have not had a cigarette in 48 hours and it feels pretty good. i tried to wake and bake this morning but my lungs are still healing from whatever sickness is ailing me right now. symptoms: dry mouth, fatigue, lung butter.

now some of you are asking what is lung butter? well children, lung butter is that gross snotty brown/yellow mix of flem you cough up when you stop smoking or get sick with bronchitis.

i have no idea what to do about it. i hate going to the doctors. chances of me quitting smoking all legal plants and just sticking with smoking illegal ones? 90%.

Monday, April 11, 2005

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Toofs, Nucka

**add-on from today**: I realized i left out one major thing... i have a conspiracy theory that 75% of dentists have the bald but hair around the edges look. i know its random, but i am pretty sure its accurate. let me know if your dentist/ortho/etc dude growing up or today had this:

like this stud muffin here....

or here, here, here, here, and here.

after google image searching, i have come up with a new question. why does the american sign language for 'dentist' look like a deep throat blow job?
So after the depression in the 20s, many of the jewish fathers raised their children to become college educated, try and go for a PhD or dentist or some other big money salary pullin job so they could hook themselves a jersey girl and export them back to the south to pursue family goals. my pops was one of these little kids and he became a dentist. as a result i have straight toofs because braces and maintenance and all that shit was free free free. one time i tried to coax my dad into lending me a nitrous tank. fucking parents setting a good example and shit. he said no!

anyway, i kinda have a mild obsession with toofs now. if a girl doesnt have straight nice teeth its tough to even attempt to hook up with them. i usually have to close my eyes or put a brown bag over their head. now isnt that gentlemanly behavior. anyway, lets talk toofs for a little bit hyea.

adult braces are unfortunately the most hideous thing on the planet. if youre older than 16 and you have braces, something is just fucked up about your toofs. fuggedaboutit.

i still use a standard reach toothbrush, but jonny mcpot uses an automatic one. i use a normal razor and he rocks the chin flobee. why do i feel like dentists got it right the first time with the standard brush and a battery powered one is a liiiittle too high tech for toof cleaning? people with automatics, what is the fucking deal there?

yall wanna floss with us? some people are OCD about flossing, why is that. the bathroom at work is gross enough with its green tiles, foot pedal stalls, government bleach smell, dudes dookie from 5 minutes ago.... why the fuck would you ever expose your teeth to these conditions and floss in the midst of it all.

why do black dudes still rock the gold teeth. no one wants to read 'playa' on the first row of your toofs.... we get it, you have money and bitches. your outfit spells it all out for us.

what is the word for fear of dentists? and why do sooo many people have it.

as much as i love straight teeth, i kinda have a thing for snaggle toothed women. i have no idea why, but i feel like i am the only person on the planet who thinks jewel is actually hotter because of the snaggle tooth. if she didnt have it she would be a 7 instead of an 8. so without further ado, pictures of the hottest snaggle toofed girl ever.

Friday, April 08, 2005

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Cult Movies

Every Friday, down the street from me, a freakfest shows up for their daily consumption of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Apparently at midnight people turn into complete transvestites and go to the Lefont Plaza movie theater off ponce to check out this horrible cult flick. i remember when i was a little kid, maybe 10, and one of my camp counselors decided that there was nothing cooler for a bunch of little curlers to be exposed to than the rocky horror movie. i mean were on a bus ride for 10 hours and this tubby bitch puts in a movie with freaks dragging across the screen. how about aladdin? or E.T.? just something more normal for a child to be watching. i guess the good news is that the guy forced me to start criticizing movies, which i will do to this day.

according to entertainment weekly, the Top 50ish Cult Movies.....

#54 - The Princess Bride
uh oh, i start off with a real zinger. ladies, i know you love this film. along with dirty dancing it sits high atop your 'top 3' list despite the fact that this movie sucks big ass balls. andre the giant is probably the best actor in the film. oh ya and that guy who did Robin Hood: Men in Tights. good follow up work. and of course this sloppy mug.

#51 - Monty Python and the Holy Grail
notice that neither of these alleged cult flicks cracked the top 50. british humor is officially lost on me. i have tried about 5 times in my life to watch any part of this movie. i would say i fall asleep within the first sketch 4 out of 5 of those times. People who quote this movie sound even stupider than the real actors. monty python can get bent.

#49 - Friday
like i could ever say any bad shit about the best ice cube production ever. i just want people to recognize that black flicks dont get enough love. plus thank god its friday. i aint got shit to do.

#42 - Rushmore
Wes Anderson has not made a bad movie to date. If you havent seen this flick just head straight to the video sto, do not pass go. through a buddy i also checked out bottle rocket, which was funny dank. plus tenenbaums and life aquatic. cant go wrong with a wes anderson flick.

#36 - Showgirls
I saw the uncut version of this flick when it came out. hell i had to, it involved jesse spano stripping and fucking guys horizontally in swimming pools. plus her costar, gina gershon, is so fucking hot. i have seen her live in person! at a swanky LA party. this movie is full of horrible one liners and catchy cuthroat strippers who act witty and bitchy all at the same time. best viewed with mute button, warm sock close by.

#34 - The Big Lebowski
can i even say words that could possibly sum up how awesome this flick is? i think a good test for quality of cult flick is to see how many times you could watch it back to back. i could definitely watch the dude 3 times a week. i even started boozing on white russians until i realized it wasnt worth 5 bucks a pop. shut the fuck up donnie.

#29 - Clerks
Kevin Smith is probably one of my top 3 directors. this movie is a classic and can also be viewed askew at least 3 times a week. the lines are funny as shit. jay is like my secret soul star or whatever the fuck it is when youre exactly like someone. mad shout outs to randall too.

#28 - The Wiz
Diana Ross and Michael Jackson in an inner city adaptation of the wizard of oz. i was in 7th grade and our music teacher made us watch this horrible, horrible musical wreck of a movie. i mean to think that more people follow the wiz than kevin smith really speaks volumes of the crappy taste people have in movies. and now, more freaky pictures.

#25 - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
now i might be the only one on earth to admit this... but the willy wonka movie cannot possibly be viewed more than once in a decade. now before you go getting all hot and bothered, when i was a little kid this movie was great. i even read roald dahl's OTHER books. the problem is, dahl hates this movie because the director ripped apart his book and re wrote tons of shit. lame!

#21 - Pee Wees Big Adventure
classic flick, one of the first ones we had recorded on VHS. (remember those?) i still love the scene where he dances to tequila on the bar. fucking puffer.

#17 - Dazed and Confused
classic. i can watch this any time someone mentions it. just an all around awesome flick. good tunes. good story. good actors before they were actors.

#10 - The Shawshank Redemption
this is a cult film? how? i mean its good but who is dressing up like andy dufrane and crawling through 8 miles of shit.

#8 - Scarface
classic pacino.

#2 - Rocky Horror
nuff said.

#1 - This is Spinal Tap

Thursday, April 07, 2005

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Women Sports

Ladies ladies ladies. you're awesome. but lets just talk a second about femininity in sports... specifically sports that occupy my ESPNHD channel for longer than an hour at a time. Take for example the Womens NCAA Basketball Championship, the only game of the whole tourney i was forced voluntarily watched. Baylor vs. Michigan State. check out this game log of the first 5 minutes or so.

19:36 Kristin Haynie missed Two Point Jumper.
19:36 Baylor Defensive Rebound.
19:08 Lindsay Bowen missed Three Point Jumper.
19:08 Chameka Scott Defensive Rebound.
18:57 Sophia Young missed Two Point Layup
18:57 Kelli Roehrig Defensive Rebound.
18:30 Kristin Haynie made Two Point Jumper. 2-0
17:40 Emily Niemann made Three Point Jumper. 2-3
17:17 Kelli Roehrig missed Two Point Jumper.
17:17 Chameka Scott Defensive Rebound.
17:01 Victoria Lucas-Perry missed Two Point Layup.
17:01 Sophia Young Defensive Rebound.
16:48 Angela Tisdale missed Three Point Jumper.
16:48 Kelli Roehrig Defensive Rebound.
16:31 Lindsay Bowen missed Two Point Jumper.
16:31 Lindsay Bowen Offensive Rebound.
16:12 Liz Shimek missed Two Point Jumper.
16:12 Steffanie Blackmon Defensive Rebound.
16:01 Emily Niemann made Three Point Jumper. 2-6
15:35 Kristin Haynie made Two Point Layup. 4-6
It was probably the most sloppy and unenjoyable first five minutes to any sports game ever. and when the stat thing says 'defensive rebound', its more like whose hands did the ball magically drop into after the loud CLAAAAANG of another brick being thrown up. i really really tried to watch women play the sport of basketball but its just nowhere near the intensity, action, and actual made shots as the men.

Next up, women pool players. Now since i make a feeble attempt at billiards i can definitely watch men or women play pool on tv. Sometimes on ESPN they have trick shot tourneys, but mostly just prize pools or skin matches amongst the worlds best women players. Lets just dive right into the top 4 women in the world.

1. Allison Fisher was born in england and is nicknamed the 'duchess of doom'. she went undefeated last year and defended her title against Karen Corr. basically the top 4 women rotate around each other for the top rankings. also, who wouldnt want to bend this lady over the pool table if they had a shot? I guess as far as pool players go, she's 2nd hottest.

2. Karen Corr was born in ireland and is fucking hideous. despite suspicions that she might be a man acting like a woman to achieve fame in the women's tour, she does in fact have a vagina.

3. Julie Kelly was also born in ireland and she and Karen are fighting out the spot to be the #1 ugliest woman in pool ever. does anyone besides me think that Julie Kelly resembles Large Marge from Pee Wee Hermans Big Adventure?

4. Jeanette Lee, the black widow. god damn girl, you is hot. asian women havent ever really done it for me, and i guess that goes both ways, but jeanette lee is definitely more exciting to watch than anyone else. she is cocky as hell when she plays, and best of all she is straight outta BK represent (thats brooklyn for you stuffy white folks). does anyone else hear the dreamweaver song in the background ala waynes world?

so thats my rundown of women pool players. way more enjoyable to watch, despite the fact that you might have to watch two irish ladies bump fuzzies. Now of course there are tons of other womens athletes.... i dont even want to get into a shouting match over who is the hottest womens tennis player. well actually, may as well do that too. bloggers vote, who is hotter?

maria has actually won tournaments AND looks hot, as opposed to this dumb bitch...

next up, women soccer players. everyone knows about the US womens soccer team, they were just amazing in the olympics, not to mention never losing a FIFA world cup. they were fun to watch, but even more fun is the unexpected eye candy you are exposed to at any time during the game....

Anyway i think thats all i can muster right now. in conclusion womens sports are give and take.... sometimes they are very fun to watch, other times its the worst experience of your life. as long as the picture comes in HD format (you can't spell heady without HD), the quality of the picture far outweighs the quality of the athleticism. later yalls.