Friday, July 29, 2005

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The Devils Playground

before i get into the schtick, black chick in the stairway at work told me she likes my hair. its hot. yesss, further proving the point that black women love me. when i go out on the weekends, it is inevitable that a girl will want to touch my hair. why is that? why do they feel like they can put their hands on me just because they want the ix? should i feel honored that you want to touch my hair? do i let it go on without saying any of this inner monologue? of course.

Amish People. residents of the ohio-pennsylvania rolling rock region. love those buggies and hats. amish people have been in the news more recently, and with my intense passion for finding out about the truth of all religions, i dug my claws deep into the gritty life of amish teenagers. i did not know this until recently, and maybe most of the world knows and i am the fucking assclown, but check this out.

amish people have this rite of passage in their culture called 'rumspringa', translated from hitler language it means running around. basically when you turn 16 or so, your parents turn a blind eye to any activity you choose to do, sinful or not. then it is your choice whether you want to return to the religion and obey its strict laws for the rest of your life.

so let me get this straight. little velda grows up like any amish girl, dreaming of milking cows and shucking corn for all eternity. she eats with the family, she goes to church a lot, she hangs out in the schoolyard playing with sticks and leaves for fun, she patches her own clothes, and then.... one day when she is all growns up with her bubs bursting out of that frock thing, her parents release her into modern day 2K5 america. holy shit, that is fucking insane.

think of how unprepared she would be showing up at a frat party. or a mall. or any public place where you would be looked at and you would know that these people are outsiders to you and you are an outsider to them. suddenly you can smoke cigarettes, drink beer, go to discotequas, fuck as many dudes as you want, blow coke off a passed out dudes asscrack at a trucker stop, essentially anything your little unshaped mind can sling at itself.

think of the psychological implications of this practice. all you know is your core family and the villagers that you see every day at church. you are completely engulfed in farm life and have no concept of modern technology. then you are given the option to go play in a completely different universe where sin is slung around like a cheap crack whore named gloria. sounds great right? sounds like you would enjoy life more if you started from scratch and had unlimited freedom. here's the catch. if you decide to stay out in the real world, anyone you knew from the amish village will never speak to you again. never ever. your parents shun you for life. your sister and bro forget your name for eternity. they stamp out your name in the log book and you are banned from ever returning 'home' again.

or, if you do return home, you have to completely wash away all that fun you were having as a distant memory. a stage in your life that you chose to give up to come back to the church forever. binding. you can never go back to the real world again. you marry and have 4 kids who you put through the same process you just went through.

i like the idea that the kids get to choose the path, i just feel like the method is completely wrong. no teen from fucking amish pennsylvania is going to survive out in the real world. asking your kid to choose between family and freedom is insane. amish kids are ill-equipped with the means to make a decision that is in their best interest.

every article i just scanned over about this concept closes with something like: "amazingly, 85-95% of the kids return back home and go with the church". no shit sherlock. 19 out of 20 amish kids decide well ya, hoes and drugs and alcohol are awesome, but i cannot live a lifetime without mommas meatloaf and stuffed cabbage. i guess i'm gonna go with that option.

hope everyone has a great weekend. i am hung.
over at work today. i am moving into a new place with jonny electronics this weekend. should be d.lightful

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

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Fuck Lance Armstrong + other stuff

Hey, i know none of you other chumps are going to say it... i'm just trying to be correct. everyone sucks this guys dick. now i know the guy has gone through a lot of toil and trouble... half the free world knows about lance armstrong and how he loves a good hard struggle story. cancer schmancer. here's what i have to say to mr armstrong: thank you, kind sir, for bringing cheap trendy plastic fashion back from the grave. it wasnt enough that we had those slap bracelets, now everyone in the game has a different color band for a different color outfit. hopefully now that this dude has won 7 in a row he will kindly bow out and take his fruity rainbow bracelets with him.

copycats are selling their souls to the devil on this idea

Becoming 25 has had a weird effect on me. on one hand, life goes on and my daily mundane routine loops on repeater. on the other, it encourages me to totally change shit up and do something different. i have recently come into a little bit of opportunity to do whatever the fuck i want, i just need a good solid game plan. also, turning 25 makes me ask this hypothetical question: Which quarter century is better, your first or your second? Looking back, i have accomplished so many of those necessary 'life goals'. Stopped pooping in my pants (except on spicy mexican sundays), became a man, graduated the standard high school and college in the correct amount of time, fucked the shit out of some people, developed my personality and funny wit, fell in love, blacked out from jagermeister, etc etc. but think of all there is to look forward to. alleged marriage and kids, my first convertible, finally growing chest and/or facial hair, 401K, etc etc. I guess its just a weird time for introspective soul searching. i hope i am hacking it as well as i know how.

here is some other shit that has been brewing for awhile...

i hope everyone enjoys the new splashy banner on the top of the blog. football time is just around the bend and the Falcons are starting training camp as we speak. like i have explained in the past, sometimes when guys get together and just sit around, hypothetical shit enters the convo and things get outta control. for example my buddy dwellis, if he could suck any nba players penis, it would be dwayne wade. now this kid is all about vajine. doesnt even like to cross swords. but hypothetically, if he had to take a shot in the mouth, dwayne wade would be his guy. people say mine is mike vick, but secretly its more likely to be Ben Roethlisberger. i am just a sucker for #7s.

next up, some new things on the right sidebar ---->
I have started to really get my blogroll on and new linkies are popping up each day. if i link you, kindly link me. and of course if you wanna be linked, holler at me.
1. the newest one is by a dude named Erik who is somehow a Mets fan and a Falcons fan. (hates the braves, hates the giants? impossible!) his shit is good and one of the best purely falcons blogs i have come across. he is listed under Falcons Daily DVDA.
2. this was a cool idea and i had to jump on the bandwagon. i guess it eliminates the need for a blogroll, but these dudes put together a giant feed site so that any ATL blogger's shit can all be read in one easy place. sweet idea, and since they shamelessly plug the shit out of themselves i figured i may as well give em a reach around too. listed under ATL Bloggers Feed Store.
3. i am not-so-secretly in love with corens sister.
4. if you like naughty girls, this little spicy ATL lady is a good read (not at work, my filter doesnt allow soft porn blogging)
5. and of course, one of the inspirations besides mander for even writing a blog in the first place. props goes out to saff for introducing me to ruminations way back when.

last but not least, after complaining about HiFi Buys never booking any gigs, i was instructed by my white friends who are black at heart about a little suare we might be attending. Eminem and guests are coming to A-town on Sunday for the Anger Management 3 Tour. i have buddies who went to the Up In Smoke tour and had a blast. i would say i listen to rap about 40% of my time, and i have never seen a live rap show besides Gift of Gab for 1 hour. and DJ Kool when he came to our frat. and busta. and DJ Biz Markie. still, i have never gone to a hip hop all day event. i hope i will be in attendance.

and last but not least, speaking of black people, this weekend i decided to use my saturday night pass out at the movies. Charlie? nope. Fantastic 4? maybe soon. Scarlett Johansen? mmmm, scarlet.

nope, i attended the weekend premier of Hustle and Flow. you know, the one where the guy hears a beat in his head. despite what jkatz says, this movie is getting rave reviews. when i left the theater i thought 2 1/2 stars, but after reading reviews i bumped it up to a 3. me and my 3 white buddies were the only white people in the whole theater. i am not exaggerating. 4 of 400. i personally thought the movie was good... the actor really took on the task of creating a character that society is supposed to hate, and made him real and likeable. ATL's own ludacris was funny. the whores he hangs out with are pretty hot if you dont imagine them popping a shot for $35 + tip. all in all i would say more white people should see it, and i will never understand why there werent more there.

wow that was a lot. thanks for checking in and i hope to be more consistent as the days go on.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

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Quarter Life Crisis

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to boozeday tuesday.
Now i know that all you poker enthusiasts want to stay home tonight and curl up to your ESPNHD World Series of Poker 2005 premier coverage. thats what comcast dvr is for.

tonight's festivities will begin (at least for me) at around 8pm, where i will smoke myself retarded. dwellis gets out around 8. timmy jimmy will be prime and ready by then. jonny mcfuckstick gets back from the Borgata around 10, just in time to meet up for moes and hoes $3.25 throw as many beers into your system as possible. there might be a quick stopover at fontaines for some actual liquor, but by 11:30 star bar will be in full effect. if youve never heard the amazing spins of DJ Romeo on a tuesday night at star bar, you havent lived. i would like to parlay all this drinking and dancing into a waho stop, but i know most of my pussy friends have work tomorrow and wont be able to haul it deep into the AM. hopefully some girls will just kidnap me and take me back to their spot for hot tub action, but this is atlanta and even though we have a high percent of single people in the metro part, no one ever meets new people like that. in light of this fact, just in case, i abused imesh last night downloading over 2 GB of that sweet sweet

maybe more to come later. if you actually know me in real life, you are more than welcome to attend. i hate evites and would never send one out for something as casual as boozeday tuesday.

Monday, July 18, 2005

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Underground Atlanta: Free Weezer Show

The following will be a scathing review.

i have lived in ATL for seven years of summer concert series. in the early years, there was no organized “Free Friday Night” concert thing…. but, everyone and their mom toured through a-town. Tom Petty. John Mayer. Black Crowes. Pearl Jam. Beastie Boys. these groups made those summers where i was scrounging for work and money worth it.... i just diverted marijuana funds to concert funds and it all worked out well.

i also remember when 99x was hosting a free summer concert series called 99x: On The Bricks. centennial park was the venue and there was ample room for all enthusiasts to sit on the lawn, rush the stage, or even play with their kids in the fountain while hearing blues traveler belt out those sick harmonica notes. it lasted 2 months, 8 shows, probably 30ish bands.

i even remember when 96 Rock and 99x had so much money to burn that they BOTH decided to throw Free Friday Night concert series. One was hosted on the bricks and the other was located about half a block down in a shanty parking lot full of rednecks. the On the Bricks series was lighter, hosting bands like Sheryl Crow and The Rembrandts. 96 Rock was bringing in crazy Cowboy Mouth and Foo Fighters. you actually had options on what free concert you wanted to attend, if not a bit of both.

this summer, none of the radio stations were going to run free concerts. i guess the coca cola well of money-love dried up and the stations decided it was not worth taking the expense of hiring mad booking to book the bands and venues with no guarantee of profit. then, about a month ago, 99x announced they would in fact be hosting the Summer concert series again.... just a different venue.

The venue is Underground Atlanta. until this weekend, i had never stepped foot in this little mall that is constructed out of an old train station. all i knew was that plenty of black dudes hung out there and robbed other black dudes. i read an article about the refurbishing of U-ATL (probably the 5th time in the past decade)... adding cops, newer stores, and of course theme bars which i wrote about back in the day. so it was with the most positive outlook that i approached friday's weezer concert, and i walked away knowing that i would never ever ever EVER step foot there again.

First off, let me just say that there was nothing wrong with the weez itself. how could they have known what they were getting into. also, on a side note, i cant stand going to a concert where the majority of people are there just to be there, to be seen. this seems to be overwhelmingly apparent at these free concert things. but honestly how do people not know the lyrics to "Say it aint So"? what the fuck are you even doing there you dumb fucker?!

Which leads me into why i will never step foot in U-ATL ever again. 20,000 people. 4 exits/entrances. 4 beer stands. 0 police. not only was there no traffic control of any kind, but the entire concert was a giant fucking bottleneck. when we decided to wedge our way into the crowd, we got further than most who tried.... probably a good 400 feet back from the stage before we were completely stuck with no direction to go. when we smoked our j's, there were so many scavengers i felt like i was a ruth's chris steak thrown in the shark tank.

i was left with so many questions: Who's brilliant idea was it to host a free concert in an alley? Why could 99x not secure a better locale? How can ATL ever expect Underground to ever work out if they do stupid shit like this? why was there a feeling of no police presence? what happens to the girls that get dragged out of the depths of the crowd who cant even open their eyes, let alone walk on 2 feet? how is it possible that i saw 10 people i knew when there were 20,000 there? and last but certainly not least, are there 20,000 Ben Folds Five fans in ATL too? (god i hope not.)

When i heard that weezer was coming for free, i was pissed about buying that $45 ticket a month before to see them at tabernacle. i am so glad i can say it was money well spent, so few things in retrospect seem like a better idea.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

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Well, as much heady criticism as i have received re: earth objects crashing into comets, at least i know someone out there is smoking the chron as much as i am. Can anyone say massive tort?

Crazy lady article here

Sports Games that Don't Mean Shit

Hello vicklanta readers. i got some heat for writing that sci-fi piece a week or so ago.... why is it that fiction drives my friend pool insane? i feel like people lost their sense of imagination right after graduating college. this is when you enter the 'real world'. the cold harsh taste of reality fills your mouth like an anchovy sandwich (on a french baguette). on a side note, the real world season 16(!!) is quite spicy, with the hottest midwest nympho i have seen on tv in awhile. within the first three episodes she tells us about a long term boyfriend, tells us she likes to fuck a lot, and then says she is falling for this dude danny in the house, with whom she would like to bunny fuck all up and down the hottub if it were not for his surgery from getting blindside sucker-punched in the side of the face by some austin cowboy skoal spitting fucker. whhhew, what a mouthful. if this is season 16 of the real world, that means i was 9 when real world 1 started.

also, shoutout to all the july birthdays. dont you know an insanely high amount of july birthdays amongst your friends? we always missed out on cool celebrations of cupcakes and fruit punch at elementary school, but i guess it was cool to be able to have your birthday at a water park when its 85 and hot as hell. last year i got to go to counting crows on a monday night for my bday. this year its on a tuesday and i am thinking moes and hoes, star bar, options for pony, waho, sleep. whos comin with me. whos comin with me.

and now on to more pressing matters. sports games that dont mean shit. now i am not talking about a list like hockey, soccer, tetherball, and curling here... that would be 'shitty sports'. i am talking about the games that have absolutely no effect on a teams record and should therefore not exist.

Baseball - The All Star Game, played tonight on ESPNHD, is the halfway mark of the MLB season. To be chosen to the all star game is a tradition started back in 1903. if you are chosen to consecutive all star games, you are probably winning various other MLB awards and will likely make it to the hall of fame when your number is called. all the best hitters, fielders, pitchers are voted on by YOU, the fans. but the thing is, whichever league wins the game receives home field advantage in the world series. An absolutely worthless game is actually worth something significant, and that is lame. If the purpose of the home run derby and celeb game and all star game is to do something entertaining for the kids, then it should have no impact on the world series, perhaps the most amurrican tradition ever. i just hope my little dominican all stars are getting well rested for the 2nd half of baseball. braves games are about to get ever more exciting than they already are, with tons of talent returning. i am just wondering what all these 9 rookies are gonna do when the roster spots peace out. who goes, who stays.

NFL Football - 4 Pre-Season Games. every year, these absolutely useless games take place. every year the sportscasters talk shit about the games, saying everyone looks incredible.... buuut, it is just pre season. you hear it tacked on to frat boys discussions on their futons whilst hitting massive bingers. you hear it at the water cooler. example:
Obnoxious Philly Fan: "Damn my man McNabb looked sick last night launching that hail mary for 62 to TO"
Realistic Person: "Ya, but its just preseason"
None of the stats count. None of the scores matter. Scrimmage games should be worked out off the field. But, the NFL makes money on broadcasting and advertisements, so why the fuck should they care? Also, being an ATL fan we all know how much we hate preseason vick spin moves. get ready for Monday Night Football, we are gonna have some scorchers. Momma McNabb better renew her Campbells soup contract, because donovan is gonna need plenty in the sick bed after madden curse takes place.

NCAA Hoops - The play-in game for the NCAA March Madness tour has to be one of the dumbest televised games for the year. a playoff between the 64th and 65th worst best teams in the country, which ultimately leads to one of them getting stomped in their first round. The polls should just lock in the 64 teams, no need for this inevitably ridiculous game. never in the history of the tourney has a 16 seed beat a 1 seed. never. ever.

thats it. maybe more to come later.
my brazilian BA is already leaving the project after two months of work. yessssss.

Friday, July 08, 2005

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Non-Payday Fridays Suck

This week was another bust; the good news is the ba is changing her hours from 9-5ish to 7-3ish. blogs in the afternoon seem most likely, if I have any brain power left at that point. like today. today has been a pretty crazy day and its only 2 pm. i was supposed to have an 11 meeting, but the construction workers outside my office cut the power to a bunch of buildings over here. for those of you who know where I work, you know this is probably not a very good thing. for those of you who don’t, think outbreak. then think quarantine. then think a bunch of chickens (security) running around with their heads cut off (no power) making sure it wasn’t terrorist related so people could leave. for chili’s. the mecca of all government food chain restaurants.

So here is what has been stocking up in my text message bin to myself over the last few days.
**Spoiler: I am about to admit my most embarrassing job ever.**
Back in high school in the ville, I worked at a fucking dairy queen for about 2 years. i was so young that everyone was carrying around pagers. 426-2969 911 143 30035. that used to be code for “call shoobie immediately, I love your boobs”. i used to wear a visor just so the ridiculous mop would pop out the top and people would wonder about the cleanliness of their cookie dough blizzards with extra cookie dough. my boss was a white woman with a gambling problem. her bookie would come into the DQ and theyd sit in the back and drink coffee and circle games and place bets. who knows how many little kids ice cream money got 8-1 on KC -7.5 over OAK. anyway, the point of all this background was to tell you that the boss was in fact white. also, people who worked at my Kroger bagging shit and stocking shelves could have easily gone to Berkeley once they graduated. in ATL, every mother fucking DQ owner, worker, financier, is Indian. all the Desi’s own a monopoly on hot eats and cool treats in Georgia. find me a DQ with no Indians and I’ll find you a bank with no jews. of course this hypothesis was proved after witnessing the 2 indian dudes speak ‘bee’ on the new DQ commercial. i called a few months ago that I would buy stock in Indian comedy (after checking, i realized it was a year ago to the day! spooky!)…i can now funnel said funds into DQ stock knowing it is in good hands.

Why are bandanas cool for girls and black guys to wear, but not cool for white guys? now I know that usually I am the one bitching about fashion things that need to disappear, but I am willing to always hear arguments about trends that need to be reborn. or revamped. either way, it has to look cool to be approved. now most guys cannot rock any form of hair garnishing… I get it, you like it short so you don’t have to do shit with it. but for jewfro mufuckas like me, we need things like headbands to properly get it out of our eyes but fashionably pinned upwards. i own about 8 forms of head gear, everything from the dewrags to the ATL Hawks ‘Restart’ campaign season headband. in high school mark apple and I used to rock the workout band just to be different, but I seriously think Mark from Road Rules Season 1 was onto something.

Remember back in the day when you would go to your city fairgrounds and there would be some kind of small carnival going on? you'd eat your popcorn and your funnel cake and go on the semi-cool rides. not six flags cool, but not ghetto either. well in Atlanta, with such a spread out population, there really isn’t an area where a carnival could be hosted. we don’t exactly have a Georgia Fair here, mainly due to the fact that ATL is not bumpkinville, ga. but what we do have, is Carnievals. Notice the difference in spelling and pronunciation. Carnivals (car-nuh-vulz) are the safe, fun, monitored rides at a public location. Carnievals (car-nee-vulz) are those little schwag rides that decide to roll into town like a band of gypsies and set up shop in an alley or parking lot full of crackheads and hypodermic needles. Like the one that sometimes shows up off the 85 south exit before turner field. Or the one that sets up in the middle of north dekalb mall parking lot. I know you’ve seen the carnievals, and I assume that since you are still reading this you did not attend one. But if you do, make sure to bring a strap or a blade in case you get taken for 100 large at the carnie gypsy games.

Porn stars. everyone loves em. the other day me and my bud dave were sitting on his couch when we started talking about porn. i was going to blog “Top 10 Porn Star Moves” but I could only think of a few and most of those were too dirty for the nc-17 rating I try to uphold. but we did think of some… basically trying to come up with things you only see on porn, things girls in real life would never do. (PS—I would love some input on this if youre bored) here are a few:
- Girls in porns who are giving blowjobs start off by hocking a giant wad of spit on the guys dick before they start blowing him full on. i assume this reduces friction and is the lazy porn stars solution for lube, but I have never in my life been in a situation where the girl felt it was time to spit on my inches before she went down on me.
- I know all men like to try some crazy ass positions. but when do you ever say to your lady “hey, instead of 69ing on the couch/bed, why don’t I lift you up and turn you upside down to go down on you while you go down on me?”
- DVDA. now some of you good little boys and girls may not get into this naughty hardcore porn, hell I didn’t know what that shit meant until about 2 weeks ago. sounds like a new digital technology to watch Shrek 2 in. double vaginal, double anal, people. that’s 4 total, 2 in each lower orifice, all at the same time.
- Last but not least, the butty. i think it is so fucking hilarious that when a dude is eating out a porn star, he will start to throw his fingers in other places while he’s downtown. for the camera, he will hook his fingers in her ass back towards her vaj, exposing a large amount of pink insides to the audience. He will then wiggle fingers back and forth to make the pink talk like a little pussy puppet back at the camera. (over the line?—hey it happens in real porn life all the time!)

That’s about all I have for today. i am going to the braves game tonight. i wish I had gone to the sweep of the cubs. Braves are on a tear, but lets be honest… i cant wait for some fucking football! Jonny mcpot is out of town all weekend, so if any of you ladies want to take a ride on the ixxperience you know how to get in touch. or if you just want to smoke my herbs. or play video games on the HDtv, if youre an xbox kinda girl. finally, make sure you get your 99x freeloader card ready and printed for Saturdays cake show. Have a great fuckin weekend.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

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Nature, Chaos, and the Universe

In the depths of the milky way galaxy, billions of stars rotate around the spirals that stretch across millions of light years. Many of these stars have completely uninhabitable solar systems… living organisms have not evolved to withstand the harsh conditions of planetary life. But there are plenty of stars with fully functioning, living, breathing planets full of life beyond our imagination. In the center of the galaxy, there exists a federation of planets whose duty is to protect the natural chaos that exists within any major star system. Comets, supernovas, black holes… the natural order of the galaxy is supposed to remain untouched by outside forces.

Due to budget constraints, the federation has not been able to track down every single planet in the galaxy with life. As a result, spiral 4 in the milky way band, is ‘line-item funded’ and until the original treaties of the federation are worked out, these far-off systems remain untouched by intelligent life outside their own solar systems. The main purpose of the federation is to create a balance of power among any planets in the galaxy, allowing any lifeforms the opportunity to create galactic laws which will ensure the future of the milky way galaxy.

The history of this federation begins 1,190,023 years ago when peaceful emissaries were sent from Planet Yugekok to Planet Dynky to establish a collective bargaining agreement. The yugekoks would export their precious lotus plants in exchange for the dynky rocket fuel to power the federation ships. These two planets would enlist the help of several other advanced lifeforms to gain new technologies, weapons, and of course the means to force galactic regulations on other members of the milky way galaxy.

This is very different than the Andromeda galaxy, where a staunch dictator rules planets with an iron fist and disobedience is punished to the utmost degree. This dictator strips planets of their value—whether its minerals, fuels, exotic life, food supplies. He has built an intergalactic war machine and plans to start invading neighboring galaxies within the next 100 years or so.

....That brings us to the present time, 2080. Earth has not been explored and made aware that they are in fact a part of the milky way federation. As a result, we do not know about any of the intergalactic policy that has been set forth by the federation to ensure our galaxy’s success. These things include basic rules, like “look but don’t touch”, “take only memories, leave only footprints”, no unwarranted attacks between planets will be tolerated... these are really just industry standard laws for any community of lifeforms.

Several days ago, a comet which originated in spiral 4 (earths region), struck a devastating blow to the capitol planet Yahyoh. For almost 10,000 years Yahyohians worked extra hard to prove to the galaxy that the milky way capitol should be on their planet…. clean crisp oxygen, beautiful waterfalls spanning the globe.. just a beautiful planet that any milky way resident would be proud to visit and explore during a trip to the capitol.

The comet came out of nowhere and was completely unaccounted for in the initial report filed by the investigating committee. There is a 99.9% accurate tracking of every object in the milky way galaxy… they haven’t all been explored, but we can at least see them and know where they are going, what they orbit around, etc. This comet literally came out of nowhere and when it collided with Yahyoh, almost a billion people were incinerated in the crash. Politicians, public officials, neighboring tourists… the list of casualties is one of the greatest galactic accidents of all time.

Immediately following the incineration of a billion citizens of this great galaxy, an investigation was started to find out how this comet went completely under the radar and was able to penetrate through the galaxy without ever being tracked by our amazingly advanced hyper-radar technology. The committee found out some interesting facts about the comet. This comet WAS tracked in the radar system…. 100 years ago it was on a path orbiting a system in spiral 4 of the milky way. On precisely July 4, 2005, something in the solar system that was not measurable or observable by the Office of Tracking All Galactic Bodies interacted with this comet to change its path forever. As a result, the natural order of the galaxy was changed forever. What started as a little ripple of universal interference turned into a major crash course for this comet to hit our capitol planet. Since all objects can be tracked, natural collisions are a part of the galaxy’s survival... If life exists on a planet that is about to be dragged into a supernova, the federation will work to evacuate these people and shift them to a new home. (Natural chaos is a part of the universe, as long as we get a heads up about it first)

In the days following the comet crash, the judicial branch of the federation issued a proclamation: Find whoever is responsible for that terrorist attack and make them pay to the utmost extent of the law. Under new fears of the andromeda dictator attacking our galaxy, the milky way is on a heightened level of security. Any interference with nature that leads to the destruction of any lives, planets, bodies, or stars, can be considered a terrorist act. When investigators traced the path of the comet down to the tiniest detail, several galactic cruisers flew to the point where the comet’s course was changed forever. The investigation showed trace elements of a collision that happened between something from the planet Earth and this comet. Planet Earth, with its role in the terrorist attack on the milky way, was scheduled for immediate termination. The planet’s citizens would not be saved, for they contributed to the destruction of billions. Even if they were unaware of their faults, they should have known the rules early... DO NOT FUCK WITH NATURE.

Friday, July 01, 2005

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I Am Not A Friendster Whore

Connections. Networking. Friendster provides not these things.
(ya i ripped that off from yoda, so what)

Friendster, created in 2002 by Jonathan Abrams, the first .com social networking site. at least thats how he bills it. anyone who is in college/20something savvy and who knows what a blog is definitely knows what friendster is so i dont need to explain it to you bitches.

friendster started off very basic, with a profile and pictures and a way to add people to your friendster list. my first friendster was mike "white chocolate" green, and he has about 100 hot yatches on his friendster list so my network was straight naughty for its kickoff party. over time i picked up friendsters here and there.... in the initial hype of friendster, everyone was sending everyone friendster requests. it was like a free agency draft for every mother fucker with an internet connection and 2 hours to burn.

the dude who created friendster has some issues. in a not-too-long-ago article, he was interviewed about the success of his .com biz. unfortunately he lost his cool and started going off on fake aliases on his little creation. fake friendsters, for the unhip, are called "fakesters" and i guarantee you also know at least one person who has 2 friendster accounts or more. just read here. for example, jonny a. wild created the character "Borat" and hopes to one day have 1000 fake friends. of course 3 other copycats have also created borat characters, so theyre jonesin for random bitches to hit them up.

my problem with friendster has nothing to do with the architecture or policies thrust upon its users. here is what i fucking hate: friendster whores. these are the people who have over 100 friendsters on their list. now i am not jealous of these people, dont get that idea into your head. i see plenty of people i know that i could hit up for friendster. the thing is, THEY AREN'T MY FUCKING FRIENDS. ergo, if i would never ever speak to them or they are not someone i have interacted with at some point in my life, there is no need for me to collect them like a fucking token in my friend bin. the biggest whore in my friendster network is definitely Luis. mother fucker has 136 friendsters. bro, nick ducoff should NOT be on anyones friendster list. scary martin should have a fucking friendster restraining order.

my friendster list is fucking VIP only. i reject friendster requests. (who does that?! and does it send a rejection letter back to the person?) clearly someone friendster requesting me is the cause for all this ranting. but i mean, i havent talked to the kid in 3 years and even when i lived in the same house we never ever chilled. we are already connected through fucking 50 other people, whats the point of adding you to my list? also bald men who would suck dick for $10,000 are still in my 'new friendster request' bin... not necessarily getting rejected, but not getting into the shoobie club either.

so far the only thing i have gotten out of friendster is a re-connection with mander and of course endless hours of staring at the talent pool in the 18-28, 15 miles out of 30306, any interest, any status, photos only.

one day i might change my mind. i sell out my moral takes on things like this for a fucking wink and a smile. the point is, dont try and be all up in my friendster if youre not even my fucking friend. and dont try to collect hos on your list that somehow translate to you being cool. that is totally illogical. besides, everyone knows that the true cool hipsters are on i have never met a chica on friendster.... but if i did, i would hope that she's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She has uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda TO'd because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.

Yesssssss! Lucky!

guess whos back. back again. shoobies back. tell a friend.

thats right, im finally finally actually able to blog at work again! yaaaay, i feel like special Ed. so this morning my routine was hit snooze button exactly 7 times. (7 x 9) + 8:00 am alarm = 9:45 arrival at work. the reason this shit can go down, along with the fact that i am blogging, is due to the witch being dead. the witch of course (for the 2 curious asians) is the brazilian ba (bullshit artist). here is a picture.

this is how i roll MS paint style. notice the toofs need major work. also purple barney power suit is legitimately worn once a week. not that barneys, a way more shitty barney.

before i arrived, i inhaled some precious creativity herbs and spices to get me through the morning. ya see when your thursday night consisted of an 11pm taxi ride to Mako's in Fuckhead to join 50 CPA's in town for a convention and stare at endless hired talent on stage, then parlay that into a 3am celebration for Waffle House's 50th Anniversary, you have to do something to calm stomach, relax burning sensation of staring at computer monitor, and of course feel the creative juices for your now week of absence in blogland.

so its july, month of the cancer, my birthday month, and of course the best number on earth besides 19. i bet a higher proportion of people have 7 as their lucky number than any other number. its definitely mine in terms of the roulette wheel, although in texas i would fold a pair of 7's with a substantial re-raise. mike vick is obviously a 7. seven minute abs. 7 deadly sins. 7 dwarves. Make 7... up yours!

July 4th is obviously this weekend as well. i just re-checked the blog for last year and the same fucking thing holds true: "The problem with July 4th weekend is that no one ever plans anything to do. Then everyone scrambles to do something at the last minute and it is always semi lame." I once again have no true plans and know that i will drunk/hi see fireworks at some point. whether it is in atl or some other locale is yet to be determined.

all i know is the monday off seems way more necessary this year than last year. three day weekends make me a happy boy and i cant wait to get derby'd up for three days instead of the standard two. but for now, as you skance out of twerk today at 3ish (trust me, some .gov employees will leave around noonish), i will try to leave you with as many blogs as i can. theyve been piling up in my text message outbox just waiting to spew forth.