Tuesday, May 31, 2005

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Government Food Chain: Part Deux

I unfortunately have a case of the mondays. thats pretty shitty considering its tuesday but in essence this is the first work day of the week and it feels like a rainy gross crappy monday.

my usual routine is to come in at 9ish and peruse the internet for the good early half of the morning. this was pretty consistent for about a year. i tried to stay off the radar in terms of getting dooced, but one time i did let slip a bloggy about my specific workplace. after today i might have to rekindle those spirits of old and launch part II. (i will not be doing any MS paint diagrams like manda)

so in honor of good versions 2s (star wars 5, indiana jones 2, karate kid 2, chapelles show season 2) i will try to talk about my situation here at work.

The Business Analyst
my asian dba buddy, who is the sweetest lady ever, warned me. she has worked on projects before involving ba's. now im not talking about all ba's. some of them in the economic world or perhaps the consulting world are awesome at what they do. but in the IT world, ba's are the people who are supposed to be the go-betweens of a) the people in charge and b) the programmers. asian chick told me that ba's slow the process down. think office space, then think 'jump to conclusions board'. if youre a visual thinker like our particular BA, its this guy:

now, what is the methodology behind a ba? if you want to go general they abuse powerpoint like its their job, they plan everything around outlook and microsoft project, they exhaust you with their need for communication lines to be 'open', and worst of all they try to make you think youre theyre friend when they are just trying to fuck everyone right in the ass. but thats ok because dicks also fuck pussies.

now if we want to get into specifics, my BA is a 6ft brazilian woman. thats right you heard me, a tall brazilian woman. wanna know what image first popped into my head?

the truth is- this is real life. gisele is the #1 brazilian supermodel and of course she wasnt showing up for work that day. (i have a brazilian brotha up in nyc who has hooked with her) my brazilian woman was a true beaster. long scraggly curly hair to cover massive shoulders, super fuddup teeth, extreme difficulty throwing y's on the ends of her words (technoloj, methodoloj, etc.), and worst of all she repeats herself 3-4 times just to make sure we're all on 'the same page.' she calls herself a visual thinker. nothing about this ladys misspellings and grammatical forgetfulness help me to visualize or think about anything other than poking my eyes out with hot pokers. (i realize my blogs are full of grammatical errors but thats because i choose to ignore those rules in extracurricular writing. normally i am a fucking grammar nazi)

this morning i had a meeting at 10:00 til 11:00.... then that meeting parlayed into an extended meeting without the PM til noon. my brazilian BA ran the meeting into the ground. she cannot hold the developers attention worth a dick. even my work buddy who is also a hot frisbee player cannot stand to be in the presence of this woman for more than 45 minutes and she's the most dedicated worker i have ever known. the introverted developer who looks like bert with glasses says he is 'a wreck' but thats just because he cant handle huge workloads and multi-tasking. the asian dba just says 'give me the requirements, then i can do all this shit nucka.' you know how i stand, the less you talk to me the better... now get the fuck out of my hair so i can play yahoo! spades byatch.

anyway i just wanted to share with everyone my wonderful case of the mondays case. i think that its a fair assesment that the BA should no longer stand for business analyst. i would like to propose a change to BULLSHIT ARTIST. because thats what they know, and thats what they sell. nothing ever gets done. they just slow the process by gathering more requirements and making everyone on a project inwardly hate them but outwardly respect them for such a hard days work at doing absolutely nothing. of course HR hires these people without any input from the people who will be working with them and everyone has to re-invent the wheel so she can re-re-invent it. if you happened across this blog looking for info on IT business analysts i will give you some easy advice: DON'T FUCKING HIRE THEM. unless its me looking for a new job. (soon!)

ps- who would have ever thought that richard riehle and gisele would ever be in a post together, ever?

pps- oh what the hell, shes out to lunch schmoozing someone. MS paint soon to come.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

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Thirsty Girl? See Ya At Leo's Lane

thats right, summertime in the a-town means one very important facet of life.
QT. 32 oz drinks. 59 cizents.

====(2 blogs today)======

ATL Falcons have something to look forward to. Donovan McNabb will be gracing the cover of Madden 2006. As everyone knows he is destined to have either A) a shitty season or B) an injury. sounds like mike vick might ease his way into NFC playoff championship game.

ATL Hawks receive 2nd pick in 2005 NBA Draft. Milwaukee Bucks had only a 6% chance of getting 1st pick. Probably better off, now we can gank a point guard from the powerhouse UNC squad.

ATL Braves fans out there.... Kyle Davies, a rookie called up for pitching due to injuries, is already (1-0) due to his career opening game against the world champion Boston Red Sox. He is straight outta decatur, ga and will be pitching tonight for the sweep of the NY Mets.

Last but not least, at every home game there is a superfan who is there screaming, yelling, carrying about. he doesnt actually use words, more like grunts and gasps when things happen. like for example, when Rafael Furcal comes up to the plate, he screams what can only be deciphered as 'GOOOOO KAAAARRRL!' besides the drooling and random bursts of energy and scream, he is pretty funny to keep an eye on during the game. next time youre at a braves game check the 1st base side, right field corner, right before the bullpen and foul pole. you might see this crazy mfer, i scooted up twice and he was there both times.

This is Leo, and you have just entered Leo's Lane

Fashion Consulting 301: The Jeans

In other news, a recent study performed by the shoobiedoobie foundation for fashion faux pas, found an alarming correlation between the length of the rolled jeans and the level of bitchiness in the consumer. back in the late 80s/early 90s people were laid back and very chill. most of this was originally thought to be due to crappy tunes and chlorofluorocarbons filling the air. (hairspray for you idiots) but the foundation for all that is heady has experienced a new hypothesis that has yet to be proven false.

the late 80s/early 90s jeans style. remember when you would throw on your tapered jeans and sit on the bed and take the bottom of your cuff and fold it tight so there was hardly any air down there. then you roll it as tight as you possibly can two or three times. ya that was cool. you would also have to redo it several times throughout the day.

in high school (late 90s) people were doing all kinds of shit. first off denim took a serious backseat to cords and cargos and all that stuff. but people who did rock the jeans wanted them to look grunge as hell so they would slice up the right and left side so they would go over the tongue of your shoe. the more worn out the better. the looser the better. baggy jeans came into style and tightrolling was thankfully eliminated from the scene.

in college (early 2000s) everyone was wearing big baggy jeans or diesel jeans. some people had even started this trend of wearing jeans with the butt part "pre-worn down" so it looks like you really worked your shit out. also some girls started wearing those jeans with no pockets in the back, just random trim around the edges. my friends and i call those momma pants...for good reason. dark jeans were the new stonewashed jeans.

previously, we released reports regarding capris pants. thank you for heeding our advice, i have noticed a decline in this awful trend. but dont think that disguising your jeans as capris pants will win you any favors. the only thing worse than capris pants would be jeans with a huge roll at the bottom.

this chick is pretty bitchy, but i have seen rolls twice that size!

the bigger your roll the jappier you are. but if you have a tummy like this do whatever the fuck you want

if you throw uggs into the mix we have a serious problem.

Monday, May 23, 2005

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1 Year Review + Dank Flicks

So i began this bloggy venture on 6/2/2004. One year to the date from when i began my venture here at the .gov As my 2 years in the real world and 1 year in the blogosphere come to a hedge, i am completely lost for words. it is fucking hard as shit to come up with new adolescent humor on a daily basis. i was thinking about retiring and heading to australia and parts of india to smoke copious amounts of mj. problem there is its already been done by a not-so-retired ricky williams. another possibility would be to just jump the shark.... happy days will reign once again. then i thought hell, what if i scheme and coerce one of these garbage/janitor dudes at work to drop a dumpster on my head. severance like a mufucka. but that would fuck up my incredibly gifted mind, developed at THE magnet school.

so what can i do to celebrate my 1 year blog anniversary? ideas can be submitted in obnoxious format to the comments section.

in the meantime i will revert to my uncreative, uninspired, and unoriginal bread and butter: movie reviews.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
As we all know i posted a blog entitled 'top 10 reasons star wars sucks'. this was specifically to see how much traffic i could generate by googlers typing in that phrase and subsequently hitting up my blog. before the release of the movie, traffic increased almost 200%. the movie was pretty good... definitely better than I and II, mainly due to less jarjar, less convo on the whole, and way more action and graphics battles than before. it does a very good job of darkening the plot and showing anakins sinking towards the dark side. heres what it should have changed:
- more skin shown by natalie portman
- less cheese drama lines by natalie portman
- more wookie!
- a more realistic attack on the jedis. was the force out of order that day?
all in all a fantastic movie. i wanted to have tons of pictures of the freaks but of course north dekalb mall doesnt exactly attract that kind of crowd. i heard regal was out of control.

Kingdom of Heaven
This movie was exactly what it was billed to be. lame action flick with lots of sweat blood and tears. orlando bloom is the new russell crowe? not quite. he barely pulls off this role as a bastard blacksmith whose father rolls into town to have him join the crusades. then they arrive in jerusalem and fight arabs and christians for the holy city. of course nothing is resolved, very similar to current conditions. netflixable, but not worth 8 bucks a pop.

Kicking and Screaming
Well i was really really hi for this movie. so in general i thought this movie was pretty damn funny. i mean you have to understand its a will ferrel movie with a pg rating and a kiddie theme. i mean he cant even say fuck shit bitch anything like that... so dont bring your earmuffs to the show; your virgin ears will be ok. if you like ferrel then youll like this flick. if you think sarcasm and slapstick is lame, then you are lame and shouldnt see this movie. last 20 minutes may as well have been cut due to fluff cheese closing ending.

Kung Fu Hustle
i havent actually seen this movie but i just wanna say i love asians. they have the best noodles.
Braves Game is 2 for 1 tix tonight. we dropped to 2nd in the NL Eastside as Baahstan handed us a wicked series to close our road trip 4-8. thanks for the txt bomb mander.
24 is a 2 hour special tonight on fox slanted news.
what happened to a new FG last night?
desperate housewives ended ever so lamely last night. questionable tivo waste for 2nd season.
memorial day is up and coming. peers rejoice as this holiday is not just celebrated by federal employees.
timmy-jimmy and dwelly combined to form the newest sneak attack apartment for my summer post briarcliff pool skancing.
god i miss dancing around the maypole with ms harkelroad.

Monday, May 16, 2005

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Kentucky Derby 2005

You’ve waited long enough…without further ado, here is the rundown of Kentucky Derby 2005.

The cast: shoobie, jonny, mikeC, swilliams
Extras: Shih-dogg, photographer. Diver, the 2nd driver. Divers wifey, moral support.
Background: jonny had been to the derby before, but the trip had been more about visiting grandmas than drinking whiskey. Mike and swill were from FL and CT respectively, so the sooner they went to the great state of Kentucky the better. I of course grew up in the ville and support its motto of greatest college sports town in America.
Mission: we didn’t have a checklist or anything, but after reading the late great Hunter S Thompson’s breakdown of derby events in the 60s, we felt the need to get super derby and depraved whilst oogling some nice titty and imbibing the finest whiskey ky had to offer. We also had plenty of nugs in case anyone in ky had figured out that 420 was the best thing to sneak into the infield, not alcohol. Also if we won a million bucks on horse races that would be pretty sweet too.

The trip there was enjoyable. Swill is clutch in the shotgun and is DJ swoove on the CD changing, a mandate of mine from previous car rides with jonny “id rather sleep than do my job” catz. Bowls were packed and of course ridiculous philosophies on life were spit amongst the adventurers. Nuggets of knowledge like:
- 28 is the new 21 [in reference to marriage age going up]
- Derby is the new dirty
- My ixxies…theyre dancing…look at em! [in windy car]
- We’re gonna see a whole bunch of whores this weekend
- They aren’t horses with vaginas dude, theyre phillies!
- Hurry before I have a BM up here
- Lets get our shake on [steak and shake]
- These animals don’t believe in evolution [roadkill in north Georgia]

We arrived at casa del shoob at around 11 pm. My wonderful mother had already set us up with two teacher chicas to take us around. They were really nice girls. Very considerate and nice. We hit up some derby party that was dying down and continued to 4th street live from there. The best thing about bringing out of towners in to the ville is when they order their first round of drinks. “ya ill have 4 jack and cokes and 4 bud lights.” That will be 22 bucks. God damn! Why don’t you just give the shit to us for free! Red bull vodkas were like $6. in a-town they are 9-10 and in nyc they must be 12-14.

The next morning we rolled to get food/drinks and arrived at tailgate central (freedom hall parking lot) and boozed as much as we possibly could. We figured out we weren’t sneaking any alcohol in (thanks to super security) so we twisted 3 and headed to the buses. After waiting in line for tickets, drinks, cash, betting, god knows how long (I don’t even want to say), we finally made it to the infield.

with superfly honeys just packed in to get to drunken debauchery, we knew we were in for a treat. the derby ixperience is hard to put into words. i guess you could say its mardi gras or time square-esque, but we are talking about hundreds of thousands of drunk rednecks trapped in the center of a big horse track. maybe its more like nascar with horses. there is a nice area, called the grandstands, where normal people in coats and ties, dressy nice clothes, big doofy hats, go to call the races. they sip their mint juleps and discuss days past when UK was on top of the world.

rich waspy white people love to wear big hats, seersucker suits, and spot celebs

and then theres these dirty mother fuckers. tshirts, frat visors, joints, booze, just straight naughty.

needless to say, we were caked and sunburnt and fucked up the majority of time. no mud wrestling this year, which was a treat. saturday night we went out to grab some dinner and then went to flanagans, molly malones, wicks pizza, and possibly osheas, i cant remember. heated pool plus weed when we got back, and it was all over from there. the next morning was mothers day, where my mom cooked us omelettes...pretty sweet, and then we were back on the road to ATL shoadie. i hope the memories of the 72 hours of naughty stick with those dudes forever. and for the rest of you who werent there or havent been, hopefully i can entice you with the shit below.

(the images are all censored. roll your mouse over to get some nice money shots. be patient as the images take awhile to load)

these 2 decided to flash 'cheerleader style'


the girl in green provoked a titty war with this chick

i was quick to point out girl in green wins, take her pics

see, i told you she wins

anyway, thanks to my main man in nyc shih dogg for coming to derby and being smart enough to bring a digi cam. i heart asians who are good at photography.

shih dogg, diver

and of course i hope the sun shines bright on my old kentucky home.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

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The Hate Fuck

(god i hope my blog isnt firewalled at work for 6 weeks for writing this one)

****WARNING: Scrolling to the bottom at work MIGHT BE HAZARDOUS****

so you find yourself in a situation one day, maybe in class, or at the movies, or waiting in line to get into neighbors, whatever. and you see someone you knew from back in the day. now back in the day she was a real piece of work... fucking firecracker. bitchy. jappy as all hell. maybe you even sublet her apartment one summer, but her mom was such a cunny mom that she would call every 2 weeks to check up on the fucking pullout leather sofa. all the memories of how much you truly despise this person come swarming back to your mind.....

but wait! out of fucking nowhere you start gaining inches. might even have a half a pack of rolaids working there. you suddenly realize, 'god damn! that girl is hot and shes such a fucking bitch. and i love it.' well, son, theres only one thing left to do. oh ya whats that pops? son...you take that girl back to your place and you fuck the living shit out of her!

one of the funniest craigslist posts i have ever seen defines 'hate fucking' as:
hate fuck (n): The most racous, albeit violent, type of coitus among two individuals who are diametrically opposed in values, allowing for punching, scratching and biting reflexes, but have a base level of sexual attraction, allowing for circulation of blood to the genitals and forthcoming stimulation.

if you have ever hate fucked someone then you already know this definition. please, share stories. for the rest of you... what is your deal? youve never had a really bad breakup with an ex and then gotten round 2 in by bending her over any inanimate waist high object in your apartment? never had a nemesis that you had to work closely with and one night it spun out of control?

thats ok little guy. one day you will. and it will be fabulous.

now lets just talk about one more thing regarding hate fucking and women. women cannot hate fuck men. it doesnt really make any sense. a guy has something protruding he can pound with... a woman can basically just hop up and down real fast. a man can bend a girl over a table, chair, desk and hate fuck her. a woman cannot do the same. the only way imaginable for a girl to hate fuck a guy is in a pool, sideways, ala elizabeth berkley in showgirls. ladies, counterpoint?

in conclusion, hate fucking is something you can really only do to a nemesis type character in your life who you also have sexual tension/chemistry with. but... if i had to hate fuck some celebrities in a totally non-personal but you still act like a bitch on tv kinda way, here are a few:

she plays the perfect bitchy girl on 70s show

we all know this chick is one of most hated on any set in hollywood

everyone loves to hate on trashelle from the real world vegas.

she gets the pristine good girl hate fuck award.

and her partner in crime is definitely #1 bitchy hate fuck out right now

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

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The Shuster Awards!

I guess this would be cool, if it werent so god damned canadian.
(still on hold for derby)

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

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Day Laborers

pictures of titty titty titty titty titty are coming soon. streaming video will somehow be available. the ky derby was awesome but i want to save it all for one post. so with that in mind....
lets talk a little bit about day laborers. now i know you stuffy white kids are asking, is he talking about me? i work during the day so technically i am a day laborer too. dont worry cracker, you will most certainly not be mixed into this group... thats because 'day laborers' is the p.c. way republicans refer to 'illegal mexican immigrants'.

georgia has one of the highest influxes of immigrant workers. some people are even calling this phenomenon 'georgiafornia' based on the west coasts open arms policies. immigrants began coming to georgia in the 1990s, working on the olympic construction, and then moving north to daltons esteemed carpet industry and other various labor intensive jobs around the south.

understanding that home depot is an atlanta company, headed by our falcons financier Arthur Blank, is one key to the reason all the mexicans swarm our state. basically they just live off buford highway and hoof it to work, which translates into standing outside the home depot for hours in the morning hoping to get some work/money for construction jobs.

"home depot is the new cancun," says one sobuck resident.
"thank god theyre here... it feels great to move up a peg on the ladder of racism," says a black dude.
"hey main, you gonna eat all those chimichangas main?" asked one of our witnesses.

(article) recently, mexican guys have been beaten senseless by several local high school boys. they just show up in a truck to any home depot, ask the guys if they want to work, take them to some remote location, and beat the fuck out of them and take whatever money they have on them. sometimes they use the money on their prom dates, other times they use it to buy CDs, DVDs, and big bags of the chronic. that last part is unconfirmed but if i beat a man senseless and took his cash, thats what i would use it for.

georgian racists cannot stand that we are sitting idle while mexican and guatemalan workers flow through our state like liquid plumber down a drain. they say things like this country was founded by white men, we dont need color. what a fucking ridiculously ignorant statement. they try to protest events like a debate whether immigrants should be granted licenses or not. what a fucking debacle. if they are going to be true to their cause, they need to elect smarter representatives to pass on their message of hate mongering.

all in all, i have absolutely no desire to do anything about this problem.
to the mexican victims.... dont seek help from american bueracracy. take matters into your own hands, scarface style.
to the georgian racists... get bent.
to everyone else.... you can pick up your very own mexican day laborer at any of home depot's 10,000 locations. look for them in the leather lounge chairs watching HDtv in the parking lot.

one funny anecdote. so i used to live with jesus h christ, or at least one of his many disciples. he left town to go on a 2 week mission, which is the christian way of saying food for jesus. we were moving out of our place and he asked his 2 new roomies to move the big screen while he was gone. being the lazy emory boys that they were, they decided not to move his shit through a regular insured moving company... instead they rolled down to home depot and asked two guys if they could pay them to lift the shit. of course one thing led to another and somehow when johnson came back into town his tv had a crack in the screen.

important lesson #1: dont ask your friends to move all your shit for you.
important lesson #2: dont ask a mexican either

if you were in this new living situation and you left the responsibility in the hands of your roomie to get your tv out, and a bunch of day laborers f-ed it up, who is to blame?
god damn i hope i have a slew of titties to show you tomorrow.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

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Top 10 Reasons Star Wars SUCKS!

10. Harrison Ford and George Lucas sodomized each other during most of their time working together. hey these things happen in hollywood... and when you work closely with such a godsend as george lucas, fires you didnt know you had inside start to burn. i just cant figure out which 'harrison ford' lucas loves more: cowboy hat and whip or man-blouse and laser pointer.

9. George Lucas is the touch of death for actors. Mark Hammil has been downgraded from hero of the greatest intergalactic battle to voice over talent for Crash Bandicoot and the PowerPuff Girls. His most notable movie appearance AFTER star wars was the character Cock-Knocker on Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. And this appearance was only due to the fact that kevin smith could get his idol in a flick for a cheap price... recognizing how washed up he is. Jake Lloyd who played little ani has yet to appear in a movie that wasnt released straight to dvd or received over 2 stars.

8. Imagining Mark Hamill posting Carrie Fisher up against the bedpost from behind and whispering into her ear:
Luke: damn baby you have the sweetest, wettest, most banging pus---'
c3po: (from outside intercom) uh...sir....we seem to have a problem.
Luke: ahhh c3po come back in like half an hour!
c3po: uh... sir.... im afraid it cant wait for that. you see, princess leah....is your sister.
Luke: but i was just about to use the force!

7. Spaceballs captured more laughs and entertainment in its 96 minute run time than the entire 20 hour waste of time and millions of spacebucks spent on the Star Wars series. with classic lines like 'Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry.... Lone Star!' and 'May the Schwartz be with you', this movie makes my classics list, not the star wars.

6. Do 8 year old boys take showers with George Lucas at the Skywalker Ranch too? or is that strictly an MJ Neverland thing.

5. This was just too weird to pass up.

4. Normal people fantasize about teri hatcher, kim basinger, cindy crawford (whatever happened to her?), tiffani amber-thiessen. star wars fanatics fantasize about how they would replace a 400 pound blob of shit and chain carrie fisher up to their racecar bunkbeds.

3. JarJar Binks is definitely the most unpopular digitzed character of all times. more than barney. more than chimpokomon. more than popples. really really bad.

2. Another Death Star?! are you fucking joking? please write in something a little more controversial and creative than a bigger replica of the same ship.

and the number one reason STAR WARS SUCKS?....
1. The FreakFest fanbase surrounding the whole star wars phenomenon. The people who will surf across this page and hopefully trash the shit out of me for mocking their silly life choices. Star Wars obsessed people....hear me! WAKE UP. ITS A MONEY MAKING SCHEME. george lucas doesnt give a fuck about you, why do you give such a fuck about him?

guys, quit playing with your swords and use your dicks for christs sake!

this post is a joke
ADDED ON 5/18/05
QUIT GOOGLING STAR WARS SUCKS! you fucking dorks. star wars 'day of the show' pics are coming soon.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

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Bros Before Hoes

In fratty frat frat world, this saying was so engrained in daily conversation that if you wanted to do anything outside the walls of the house full of dudes, you almost had to sneak away and not reveal your destination. anytime there was an 'event' going on, big or small, and you say something like 'hey i am not in the mood, im gonna go hang out at (insert ho name here)'s place, you were verbally beraded with word like 'sellout', 'bitch', 'paycheck player', 'whipped', etc.

in the real world, grown up world, world outside of fratty fratastic frattily frat frat, things severely change. i like hanging out with my buddies, dont get me wrong. without them i would be going to sin city and hitchiker's solo, no braves games, no boozing in bars, not to mention being a recluse and possibly even reading books to pass the time.... but nowadays i can honestly say the term bros before hoes has outlasted its worth.

i will always sell out my friends for ladytime. i can see you pricks anytime i want to. its not like theres tons of opportunities in a-town to swim in a different circle and meet new people. so no more use of this phrase. its over. spent. suck my balls i'm out.

Monday, May 02, 2005

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friday night was pretty sweet... jonny got back into town after a 14 day consulting binge and was raring to go out. we did the traditional highlands run, getting drunk at spentkins and playing darts with uconns finest dart apprentice hustler ever. my shoulders were heavy from carrying a 6'2 gorilla on my back, having to hit a majority of 20-15's and even starting the round with a double bulls. to no avail. record stands at 1-1. then the degaytur kids left and we rocked bores, dark horse, and my first ever appearance at blind willies.

apparently saturday starts at 7 am during tumultuous downpour of rain and thunder. after re curling until 1ish, it was decided that the day would be best spent at Regal 24 checking out the new flick Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy. The british dude from the office (tim), mos def, and the chick who was the sister in almost famous were featured. i guess some people say its different from the book... i feel like thats captain obvious talking there. i was thoroughly amused and green green probably had everything to do with it. check it out if you like stories that have horrible flow but look amazing whilst being told.

saturday night brought with it a true ixxperience. i decided to consume a meal around 2 and have a hot pocket with my 2nd jack and coke at around 10pm. so shoobie has no food in his system. combine that with some bubble hash sprinkles on a big phat biz and i was, for all intents and purposes, really really really fucked up. then i went to a little private party full of blurry and out of focus people. i mean they may have had details and facial features but i wouldnt remember. here is what i do recollect:
- i definitely did the moonwalker michael jackson dance outside on the balcony. this was due to the puddles of water that were just dying to be spun in. i also grabbed crotch and screamed hoooooo.
- i double fisted at a 20something party. jack and coke, jack and coke.
- my eyes were more slanted than fox news
- i yacked not once, but twice. outside my house. bushes. not in my own bed like my cd throwing away friend.
- i ordered $25 worth of wings for 5 guys and didnt eat more than 2 fries.
- i didnt drunk dial, not so much because i didnt want to, but because my fingers werent cooperating with my brain synapses at all.
- brain synapses stopped working at 5:01 on friday and resumed sometime around 4ish today, monday.

party was fun. but clearly i was in rare form. (can anyone else fill in some details?)

somehow the message was communicated to me before i passed out into bound-to-have-hangover-comatose-state that i had agreed to go to a braves game at 1 pm sunday, be ready by noonish. so at 11:30 when fucks got up and my door was wide open, i was awakened to a blistering headache. luckily for me i got to shower for an hour and then go to qdoba for a hot-salsaless burrito bound to satisfy my hunger that lasted 24 hours.

the braves game was sick. the weather yesterday in a-town was like a perfect 71 degrees. after the misbehavior of shoobie doo, i was thinking more about no beer at turner field and less about sun protection. thanks to my mothers gene pool i dont sunburn that easily, but 4 hours in the sun at turner field + twains corned beef sunday made me a little 'red' to put it lightly.

check out our seat hookup. behind home plate, row 6. i dont know what i was more burnt from, the sun or the damage my body absorbed saturday night

after family guy (sooo fucking funny. i am happy its back. check out this blasphemy) and fox cartoon marathon, i decided to go to bed. i was still hungover, thirsty, worn out, exhausted, never drinking again!, and in general pretty burnt out from the ridiculous amounts of sin and vice i put into my body. some of you kelloggs cereal enthusiasts might know exactly what i am talking about.

i felt like a crisp ix. sunburnt on one side, burnout on the other