Tuesday, May 31, 2005

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Government Food Chain: Part Deux

I unfortunately have a case of the mondays. thats pretty shitty considering its tuesday but in essence this is the first work day of the week and it feels like a rainy gross crappy monday.

my usual routine is to come in at 9ish and peruse the internet for the good early half of the morning. this was pretty consistent for about a year. i tried to stay off the radar in terms of getting dooced, but one time i did let slip a bloggy about my specific workplace. after today i might have to rekindle those spirits of old and launch part II. (i will not be doing any MS paint diagrams like manda)

so in honor of good versions 2s (star wars 5, indiana jones 2, karate kid 2, chapelles show season 2) i will try to talk about my situation here at work.

The Business Analyst
my asian dba buddy, who is the sweetest lady ever, warned me. she has worked on projects before involving ba's. now im not talking about all ba's. some of them in the economic world or perhaps the consulting world are awesome at what they do. but in the IT world, ba's are the people who are supposed to be the go-betweens of a) the people in charge and b) the programmers. asian chick told me that ba's slow the process down. think office space, then think 'jump to conclusions board'. if youre a visual thinker like our particular BA, its this guy:

now, what is the methodology behind a ba? if you want to go general they abuse powerpoint like its their job, they plan everything around outlook and microsoft project, they exhaust you with their need for communication lines to be 'open', and worst of all they try to make you think youre theyre friend when they are just trying to fuck everyone right in the ass. but thats ok because dicks also fuck pussies.

now if we want to get into specifics, my BA is a 6ft brazilian woman. thats right you heard me, a tall brazilian woman. wanna know what image first popped into my head?

the truth is- this is real life. gisele is the #1 brazilian supermodel and of course she wasnt showing up for work that day. (i have a brazilian brotha up in nyc who has hooked with her) my brazilian woman was a true beaster. long scraggly curly hair to cover massive shoulders, super fuddup teeth, extreme difficulty throwing y's on the ends of her words (technoloj, methodoloj, etc.), and worst of all she repeats herself 3-4 times just to make sure we're all on 'the same page.' she calls herself a visual thinker. nothing about this ladys misspellings and grammatical forgetfulness help me to visualize or think about anything other than poking my eyes out with hot pokers. (i realize my blogs are full of grammatical errors but thats because i choose to ignore those rules in extracurricular writing. normally i am a fucking grammar nazi)

this morning i had a meeting at 10:00 til 11:00.... then that meeting parlayed into an extended meeting without the PM til noon. my brazilian BA ran the meeting into the ground. she cannot hold the developers attention worth a dick. even my work buddy who is also a hot frisbee player cannot stand to be in the presence of this woman for more than 45 minutes and she's the most dedicated worker i have ever known. the introverted developer who looks like bert with glasses says he is 'a wreck' but thats just because he cant handle huge workloads and multi-tasking. the asian dba just says 'give me the requirements, then i can do all this shit nucka.' you know how i stand, the less you talk to me the better... now get the fuck out of my hair so i can play yahoo! spades byatch.

anyway i just wanted to share with everyone my wonderful case of the mondays case. i think that its a fair assesment that the BA should no longer stand for business analyst. i would like to propose a change to BULLSHIT ARTIST. because thats what they know, and thats what they sell. nothing ever gets done. they just slow the process by gathering more requirements and making everyone on a project inwardly hate them but outwardly respect them for such a hard days work at doing absolutely nothing. of course HR hires these people without any input from the people who will be working with them and everyone has to re-invent the wheel so she can re-re-invent it. if you happened across this blog looking for info on IT business analysts i will give you some easy advice: DON'T FUCKING HIRE THEM. unless its me looking for a new job. (soon!)

ps- who would have ever thought that richard riehle and gisele would ever be in a post together, ever?

pps- oh what the hell, shes out to lunch schmoozing someone. MS paint soon to come.


At 5/31/2005 11:19 PM, Blogger Wintermute said...

as a former ba myself this shit is true true true.


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