Tuesday, February 21, 2006

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Motown Philly Back Again

Doin' a little east coast swang. Good afternoon bitches. due to the fact that leaders like washington and jefferson and blah blah started this wonderful nation, i had the day off yesterday. since i study the calendar like its a map to pirate booty, i knew that february 20th was the last day until may 29th that we got off for a BS holiday. ergo, i took a $218 scare-tran flight to the city of brotherly love. (ps- dont you think MLK day should be swapped with Pres day? if youve only been watching VH1 youd know Feb is black history month)

due to the fact that i hung out with lawyers the entire weekend, i am not able to continue telling any more stories. psyyyyche. fuck that shit, i will just leave out the parts where i was hi on illegal trees.

isnt it weird that when you go to a different city, youre always jealous of the shit that they have that you dont? and if you go back to a city you used to live in, you miss the old shit you used to have? hmm, discuss.

philly is danker than new york for the following reasons. philly is way less dirty than the city of new york. the guys in philly act like tough guys... but they arent. the guys in nyc act like tough guys, and they are. philly has more students per capita than nyc, so in general if you hang out with smart people in smart areas you are surrounded by smart people wherever you go. philly has pizza AND cheesesteaks. philly has good restaurants and good bars too. if you looked at a google map of child molestors in nyc vs. philly, you would find larger surface areas in nyc-- in other words, the sketch factor is less on the hole.

the best part about philly was that i got to hang out with mostly girls. in atl i just hang out with too much cock... definitely need to change that. back in the college days it was different, but i just dont hang out with a crew of ladies anymore. anyway point is you hear the most scandalous shit ever when you listen to them talk to each other. how come atlien girls cant handle talking about lude shit in front of guys and philly girls can?

for those of us who have been exposed to people born "in philly", which is a euphemism for "huntington valley, 20 miles away", its mind-numbing to hear them talk about the following 2 topics: sports and cheesesteaks. they take the eagles so seriously, i secretly love any game where something bad happens and the entire city of philly turns on the eagles for that weekend. this year, with the amazing media circus, horrible record, injury-plagued madden/campbells soup cover boy, biggest ego in TO fiesta that was going down there, im surprised the city didnt commit mass suicide. related to cheesesteaks, every single philly resident thinks that their place is the best and all the others are crap. Jim's, Pat's, Geno's, other generic wich. the subtle differences dont make up for the fact that chopped meat covered in cheese and onion and mustard is delicious regardless of what Dago establishment cooked it. and i mean that in the nicest way, your cheesesteaks are delicious.

anyway here is one thing that i learned while in philly.... there is a website called Open Table where you can make reservations online to a ton of restaurants. (and it has ATL listed too) go check it out: linky.
in other news, i have to go a different way to work now. instead of ponce to lullwater with a cut through emory, i now have to go briarcliff all the way down to that kroger cut through to clifton. it sucks... security here closed the Houston Mill entrance, and by default the left turn light to get in is backed up past the fire station every morning.

I just g'ed a ton of tunes from my buddy Stats vonGiggler using AIM file transfer. basically i got a ton of albums i had always wanted to listen to but not purchase. here is what i got:
- Audioslave (actually i bought this, but its new to the pod)
- Bela Fleck & the Flecktones
- Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
- Common (also purchased-- dank!)
- Franz Ferdinand
- Jay Z
- The Strokes
- Talib Kweli
- The White Stripes

if anyone out there feels that they want to invade my ipod and therefore allow me to invade theirs, just email me and make sure you have IM messenger. would love to get some sign that people are reading until the end, and this would prove it. laters.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

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You Cant Spell Video without VD

Valentines Day plays virtually no role in my life. Like Paulie, I have been single for most of them.... i mean maybe i had a few little hos in 2nd grade but believe me, it didnt pan out the way it should have; bethany taylor was such a cold bitch back then. i did have a nice stint of longterm ladyfriend in college, for v-day i ravaged her at the former Swissotel for a night. delectable. but in general i could give a flying fuck about vday. im sure that will all change one day...

I have kinda always wondered what gay guy couples do for valentines day. i guess being a hetero, my perception of VD is that its a female-needs driven holiday, where girls want to be taken out and treated nicely and given gifts and get sexed up afterwards. i mean if VD dropped off the holiday calendar i dont think any guys would lose any sleep over having to be subjected to awful jewelry commercials from tom shane, the guy who loves to be monotone. (what if in real life, tom shane is totally animated and uses hands and facial expressions to convey tons of body language... we'd never know, he sounds boring and drab with every fresh commercial.) anyway my point is the holiday seems so femmy, if i were a gay guy i dont think i could take my boyfriend seriously if he made a big deal about valentines day.

So now that i am done talking about this bullshit, i have some excellent news. google is dipping their hand into all Internet/New Media opportunities. for about a year now, i have been trying to find a free way to play videos on this blog. i mean there were virtually no free video hosting sites a year ago. but with the shrinking cost of memory and storage, it seems logical that google start hosting some videos for the public. the only other site that i have found is www.youtube.com , but that site is better for catching the 'hottest' internet videos; like the ones people are passing around and emailing to each other all found at one site. but google has finally allowed registered users to upload and manage videos through their site video.google.com

now you may be asking, how does this help you the reader? well sit down, shut the fuck up, and grab some popcorn. shoobie has just uploaded the only 3 videos he could find on his laptop and they have finally been approved (which takes way too fucking long). to my friends who still read this, i KNOW there is funny video footage out there. Stats von Giggler, we need to discuss getting all that video from your digi to my computer. Silver/Coren, i need a new copy of karaoke night. anyone else, comment and i will get in touch. Without further ado.... i bring you, Shoobie's Vlog Episode 1.

this is a short video of Halloween '05. thats harry potter, black power, 2 metalheads, an indie hipster, and britney spears. (in case video doesnt load)

This next video is from a party in the Highlands, hosted by Mike C Productions. A bunch of old fogies were there, but they proved they still have 'it' by hazing the youngest kid at the party who will always step in to do the most outlandish shit whenever needed. I bring you my buddy Fossum, who chugged an entire bottle of maple syrup and later booted in the sink. (in case video doesnt load)

This last video may have been the same night, i'm not really sure. all i know is the pink pony was the final destination and these pussies flaked out at the last minute. but before all that, shoobie was in RARE form. apparently karaoke lazy-boy is more impressive than stand up karaoke. and no thats not sweat from a rousing rendition of 'Footloose', some asshole had just spilled a beer all over himself. (in case video doesnt load)

Hope you enjoyed... stay tuned for future vlogs.

Monday, February 13, 2006

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Nose Jobs and Fur Coats

Ladies ladies ladies. hello. its been a long time since we had some face time. today i would like to talk about a trend that should have died in the late 80s.

Two weekends ago when it wasnt snowy in atlanta, two words that should never be put together, i was at piedmont park for a rousing game of pickup football. it was really just supposed to be a toss game, but 3 chicks and a dude wanted to play and you know i'm not turning that shit down. so it was about 60 degrees out, a little wind, and i think i spotted like 5 fur coat outfits throughout the day. not full on fur coats, but like little fur tanktops and fur hoodies and shit like that. hideous. fucking hideous. no dude is into that. mark my words, i speak the truth, stop buying fur clothing items.

Details: Youll be one sexy Eskimo in this zip-front, fur vest from More Dash Than Cash. Pair this mockneck separate with anything - from wool trousers to fashionably-faded denim jeans.

of course nothing can be worse than the double whammy: fur poncho

why do girls get nose jobs? i mean, i understand if you are "Mo chuisle" and you get pummeled in a boxing match and need to get that shit fixed to breathe right. but girls who are just unhappy with the fact that mom and dad's genetic combination fucked with your schnozz is not exactly a stellar reason to have it done. i mean i guess on the one hand, its amurrica damn it, and a girl should be able to get whatever fixed however she wants. but at the same time, noses are unique and unless you have a fucking sick looking nose i guess i dont get why you would want to make it thinner or less jewish. i mean honestly, youre probably never going to be able to do coke after the operation... why risk it?
in other news, sudoku is the new way for parents to impress upon their flown-the-coop children that they still have 'it' and age and baby boomerism aint stoppin em now.
a 25 year old white male was arrested outside of his office today... apparently, he had been raping and scouring the Internet for a few hours every single day, 9-5, M-F. the father of the victim, al gore, was said to be shocked and in mourning.
Saturday Night Live has been really really bad for several years now. i like some individual cast members but on the hole, just not as funny as the old days. but i figured out something today... the 80s and 90s SNL was hilarious live and hilarious on re-runs. The late 90s early 2000s was absolutely NF during the actual taping of the show, but give each episode about 2 years buffer and they are actually funnier when they are re-runs. this is a quandry, as the whole point of the show is that its fresh and current. but tell me the horatio sanz stoner webcam skit is not even funnier now than it was before. re-watch some of the newest re-runs and tell me you dont stay tuned to the skits you fast forwarded on tivo when it was actually Saturday Night 'Live'.

Friday, February 03, 2006

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My Morning Jacket

well this morning i did the same routine, snooze button for 40 minutes, hot shower, 5ish minutes of porn, cig, clothes, bowl, keys, peace. today was going to be a different kinda day though.... yayayan is out of town and i have the place all to myself. i get into work and do a little shit and then call dwelly re: lunch + pickup. i owed him money for half an onion. but i also have to stop by the old frattastic house to pickup some other illicits because this kid owed me 40 from poker and he brought over a huge shroomin bag to the last poker game and i said he can pay me back through those. so i walk outside with my morning jacket on and its fucking 70 DEGREES in this city today. and its february 3 for christs sake. poppa shoobies bday. so i go to the house, dwellis goes to the house, we settle the money situation for all this shit, then he goes to get subs, i go to let his buddy into his apartment, we eat, we smoke, we watch adult swim, dwelly grinds up a half onion and begins to soak it in oil. reese's special brownies are being baked and cooled as we speak. shrooms are in my jacket pocket. and i have 3/8 of an onion to pick back up after i leave security central over here at work. needless to say, i forgot to leave the boom back at dwellys so technically there are about 6 grams of some fungus in my morning jacket which i didnt even need today because its so fucking hot out. did i mention its friday? sweet. yesss, as i was quickly typing this blog i had a 2:30 phone call conference that was cancelled due to the fact that all the lazy ass white people here are lazy ass white people. you know that black crowes song good friday? i feel like its gonna be that kind of good friday for 3 straight days this weekend. so bottom line is, if the weather holds you can come see me and all my crazy antics as i run walk yog crawl roll stretch bend crouch hide cry laugh wig out flip out and visualize the most insane shit in piedmont park saturday. i can be found tonight laughing my head off and asian-eyeing hot girls whilst listening to dank tunes at cj's landing on brownies. sunday, probably more tripping but less outdoor activities as i try to park my ass somewhere warm and comfy for 4 hours and get retarted for SBXL. i have 220 bucks comin my way if the steel curtain drops on seattle. ladies, if you feel like its gonna be a wild weekend and you miss the old days of irresponsible behavior where you could ingest all this fucked up shit and let your mind say no while your body says yes, holler back. gentlemen, since we know that plea wont work, perhaps i will see you around the city. everyone else (dogs?), have a stupendous weekend. out.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

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Taking out the Trash

No, this is not a post about how my apartment is in fucking shambles because i am a takeout eating plastic cup using beer bottle drinking bowl cashing outing kicked back crunk as fuck dvr loving video game addicted trash taker outter hater pimp daddy who loves the pussy.

And no, it isnt a post about how my roomie is a homeowner and leaves dishes and shoes and firewood and socks and paper towels and 2 day old yogurt fruit granola gay mix and empty boxes of those little 3 year old kids raisin snacks from preschool in the crack of his leather couch.

This is about all these ridiculous posts that somehow got started in my head, but never had the chance to fully develop and blossom into a full blown blog. without further ado....
10 Burning Questions with Kelly Ripa

Welcome back to burning questions, i'm your host Dinkle McHeadynugs. On todays show we are featuring one of the hottest milf's on television today. she stars in All My Children, Hope & Faith, and Live! with Regis and Kelly.

Its great to have you here Kelly... and might i say, you are quite a stunna. Well thanks Reg!! I dont even know what that is but thanks so much!! My name is dinkle, not regis. Lets get on with it....

10. So Live! comes on at 9 in the morning, how in the fuck are you so chipper at that hour
10 Burning Questions with Mr. Slave

Mr. Slave. Known to most by his outlandish s&m get-up, which includes tight leather pants, nipple clamps, and a mouth gag for when he is being a very very bad slave. but what is going on inside this master of submission? (besides a collection of dead animals stuck in his anoos) what are his lifetime achievements? where will he be in 10 years? these are the questions that everyone is asking, and vicklanta's own Dinkie McVicker has him on the hot seat.(to be read with Mr. Slaves voice in mind)

10. Mr. Slave, thank you for accepting our invite. Tell us about your experience in South Park, Colorado. Is everyone accepting of your ways?
Thank you Dinkie for having me. Ya i would say for the most part everyone here has been very kind and sweet to me. in colorad
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

ok people, now we're all going to take a little trip back, back, back... to 1993. The largest blizzard to ever hit the Kentucky area happened in march of 1993. 14 inches of pure as cocaine snow hit the city, engulfing cars, blocking doors, streets, stores, power lines fell, trees fell onto power lines. just pure naughty snowstorm.
-neil montana cigs.
-cops pecker ketchup packets
-mr white
-missing checkpoints
-et ride paaaavon
-chiu the asian tourist camera guy
Passed the Fuck Out!

the rules for people who pass out on the couch
by laws
- If you pass out on the couch, you are leaving yourself entirely open for creative shit to happen to your body. the general rule was if you passed out with your shoes on, you were fair game. markers on the face. shaving cream in the hand. hell in high school, they toothpasted my ass crack.
Shout Outs and F.U.'s

96 Rock, classic rock, and your home of the Atlanta Braves. best radio. the regular guys, for those of you who listen to normal shit in the morning, have a segment in the morning called the F.U. Line. rednecks call in and say the most racist, sexist, degenerate shit ever. its funny as hell. like: "Hey now, I wanna give a big (fuck you) to the little chinese driver in front of me going 12 miles an hour down a one-way. Get some better glasses you chinky (fuck!)" The 96 Rock guys just leave the line open 24/7 and cut in the funniest ones every morning. Hilarious.

So in honor of the Fuck You line, here are my shout outs and F.U.'s:

A big shoutout goes to....
-Good TV executive decisions: Adam Carrola just got his own show on Comedy Central. same with Michael Rappaport.
-Rockstar Games. Grand Theft Auto 4 is a sick game, and thanks to your horny little programmer's shenanigans, other horny little kids can modify their xboxes and download an all nude, doggy-style fucking modification to GTA4.

A big Fuck You goes to....
-Drew Rosenhaus. you sick money hungry mother fucker. quit getting it into these pro athletes heads that "it aint show friends, its show business." holdouts are the most over written, over speculated, over broadcasted aspects of sports in the offseason. we talk about holdouts as if its their fault. This little Jay Mohresque fucker jacks up management for more loot and all hell breaks loose. Suddenly youre on the hot seat, youre greedy, your career is dragged through the dirt with sports stat guys jonesin for teleprompter recognition, you are officially putting the I in team, and worst of all youre probably not going to get that much more fucking money. Who is to blame for all this bullshit? certainly not the athlete. smells like sleazy dirty whore sex, and im not buying. Its all because of agents like Drew Rosenhaus.
-The Parent's Television Council
-Karl Rove
Fashion Consulting 401: Accessories

Thats right, byatches, shoobie is about to lay it on nice and thick for you to soak up and heed some stellar advice from a guy who knows what other guys are thinking about the shit you wear. In case you are a noobie, here is Fashion Consulting 201a, 201b, and 301. so today i would like to talk about accessories. the little things you ladies come up with to throw some extra spice into the outfit. maybe you want a guy to notice and say whats up. maybe you want your coworkers to say you look cute. or maybe you are just an attention whore, accessorizing yourself to no end so everyone pays attention and then talks shit about your horrible outfit behind your back. so here are some quick tips on what looks good and what looks awful.

Knee High Socks
Hair Stuff

No, not our half german aryan buddy with a hot sister whose name sounds like silky. not what i did to sackhil's mom last night. not what the jews allegedly used to post jesus christo to a lowercase T. we are talking about fingernails today folks.

i have a semi conspiracy theory that women are advancing faster, evolutionally speaking, than men because of fingernails. think about how many wonderful things women can do with their nails that men just have no grasp of.

- Blackberries and other handheld devices that require tiny little toddler fingers and/or nails in order to use effectively and efficiently.
- keyboards, phone buttons, calculators, ATM machines... women with nails are far superior to their female counterparts who keep their nails short.
- backrubs. i would much rather get a backrub with some nail in it than just finger.
- stickers, Hello my name is... labels, the piece of tape stuck to the whole roll with no discernible start or end point. (pet peeve of mine)
The Retarted Elevator

why is it a fact that at least one elevator per building is the retarted elevator? do you think the other elevators make fun of the retarted elevator or do they have compassion for how bad he fucks up on a day to day basis? if they are made by the same company and with the same exact parts, how can one elevator deliver people in a timely manner while the other elevator breaks down, always gets stuck on floor 2 going up, doesnt start moving until about 10 uncomfortable seconds after the doors closed, smells like the trash cart just got rolled through it, reeks of blood agar-- perhaps the kryptonite of all smells ever.

Readers, feel free to finish out any of these posts. mander, i know you wanna talk some shit about the ice storm of 93. choobs, you were kind of a self-loathing asian photographer stereotype that weekend.... anyone else, feel free. i am starting to doubt that other bloggers even read this, considering no one did their own aristocrats joke. i mean come on, what an easy way to waste 5 minutes of your day to get shit off your chest and make other people think of you as a sick incestuous perverted funboy.

Funny IM Conversation

This conversation was had between two girls, then emailed to me. I love the part where A makes a fashion simile and suddenly it is all cleared up for E. worth the read...
A: read vicklanta
E: ok justin's blog is the most disturbing thing i have ever read ever
E: unless it is in some way an inside joke that i dont get
E: but its just not funny anyway you look at it

A: hahah
A: it's the aristocrats joke

E: wait
E: i dont get it
E: please explain it

A: that's what the whole movie was about
E: what movie
E: help

A: remember how much i loved that movie this summer? the documentary
E: no
A: it was super popular this summer
E: i have no idea what you are talking about
A: and still
A: it's the oldest joke

E: oh my god
E: you are not explaining it

A: and the documentary went around
E: start from the beginning
A: hold on, i'm explaining
A: the joke,
A: it is old
A: it only has a set beginning and end
A: it only has a beginning and end - the middle is supposed to be made up by the joke teller
A: the basic gist is that there is this family that does this horrifically offensive act
A: the family goes to the talent agency
A: and they ask to be represented

E: im going to send this convo to justin ps
A: and they do their act for the agent
A: and it's filled w/ the nastiest/most inapprop. things ever
A: some people go w/ beastiality and incest
A: some w/ bodily fluids
A: some a mix of both

E: ew justin is foul
A: and it ends w/ the talent agent asking the name
A: and then the dad going "The Aristocrats!"
A: w/ much fanfare
A: so every comedian knows this joke, it's like something they tell in their spare time
A: each comedian has his own version of it
A: so the guy from Penn and Teller decided to make a documentary and ask famous comedians their thoughts about the joke and to tell their versions
A: it's a great fucking documentary, it was really hot this summer
A: and just came out on video like this week

E: i kind of still dont get it
E: its just like who can be nastiest?

A: not nastiest, necessarily, though it does tend towards that
A: it's mostly just who can be the most shocking
A: it lets comedians showcase their individual styles
A: like, you know how every designer has their own version of a little black dress?

E: oh good analogy
A: this is the little black dress of the comedy world

E: so how could we characterize justin's style?
A: hold on, let me read it more
E: thanks for putting it in fashion terms, it actually cleared up a lot of confusion
E: i think he might need to go to a shrink/sex therapist

A: i think he has mommy issues
A: and sex issues
A: and cocoa butter issues

E: true
E: which goes into his "black people love me" thing

A: true!
A: the problem w/ reading the joke is that so much of it comes through in the telling
A: like, he might have some really stellar hand motions or tones of voice that we're missing
A: just reading it sounds like the diary of some serial kiddy rapist

E: do you think he traded the green for some ice?
A: but i am impressed that he went balls to the wall w/ both the creepy sex and bodily fluids