Thursday, February 02, 2006

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Taking out the Trash

No, this is not a post about how my apartment is in fucking shambles because i am a takeout eating plastic cup using beer bottle drinking bowl cashing outing kicked back crunk as fuck dvr loving video game addicted trash taker outter hater pimp daddy who loves the pussy.

And no, it isnt a post about how my roomie is a homeowner and leaves dishes and shoes and firewood and socks and paper towels and 2 day old yogurt fruit granola gay mix and empty boxes of those little 3 year old kids raisin snacks from preschool in the crack of his leather couch.

This is about all these ridiculous posts that somehow got started in my head, but never had the chance to fully develop and blossom into a full blown blog. without further ado....
10 Burning Questions with Kelly Ripa

Welcome back to burning questions, i'm your host Dinkle McHeadynugs. On todays show we are featuring one of the hottest milf's on television today. she stars in All My Children, Hope & Faith, and Live! with Regis and Kelly.

Its great to have you here Kelly... and might i say, you are quite a stunna. Well thanks Reg!! I dont even know what that is but thanks so much!! My name is dinkle, not regis. Lets get on with it....

10. So Live! comes on at 9 in the morning, how in the fuck are you so chipper at that hour
10 Burning Questions with Mr. Slave

Mr. Slave. Known to most by his outlandish s&m get-up, which includes tight leather pants, nipple clamps, and a mouth gag for when he is being a very very bad slave. but what is going on inside this master of submission? (besides a collection of dead animals stuck in his anoos) what are his lifetime achievements? where will he be in 10 years? these are the questions that everyone is asking, and vicklanta's own Dinkie McVicker has him on the hot seat.(to be read with Mr. Slaves voice in mind)

10. Mr. Slave, thank you for accepting our invite. Tell us about your experience in South Park, Colorado. Is everyone accepting of your ways?
Thank you Dinkie for having me. Ya i would say for the most part everyone here has been very kind and sweet to me. in colorad
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

ok people, now we're all going to take a little trip back, back, back... to 1993. The largest blizzard to ever hit the Kentucky area happened in march of 1993. 14 inches of pure as cocaine snow hit the city, engulfing cars, blocking doors, streets, stores, power lines fell, trees fell onto power lines. just pure naughty snowstorm.
-neil montana cigs.
-cops pecker ketchup packets
-mr white
-missing checkpoints
-et ride paaaavon
-chiu the asian tourist camera guy
Passed the Fuck Out!

the rules for people who pass out on the couch
by laws
- If you pass out on the couch, you are leaving yourself entirely open for creative shit to happen to your body. the general rule was if you passed out with your shoes on, you were fair game. markers on the face. shaving cream in the hand. hell in high school, they toothpasted my ass crack.
Shout Outs and F.U.'s

96 Rock, classic rock, and your home of the Atlanta Braves. best radio. the regular guys, for those of you who listen to normal shit in the morning, have a segment in the morning called the F.U. Line. rednecks call in and say the most racist, sexist, degenerate shit ever. its funny as hell. like: "Hey now, I wanna give a big (fuck you) to the little chinese driver in front of me going 12 miles an hour down a one-way. Get some better glasses you chinky (fuck!)" The 96 Rock guys just leave the line open 24/7 and cut in the funniest ones every morning. Hilarious.

So in honor of the Fuck You line, here are my shout outs and F.U.'s:

A big shoutout goes to....
-Good TV executive decisions: Adam Carrola just got his own show on Comedy Central. same with Michael Rappaport.
-Rockstar Games. Grand Theft Auto 4 is a sick game, and thanks to your horny little programmer's shenanigans, other horny little kids can modify their xboxes and download an all nude, doggy-style fucking modification to GTA4.

A big Fuck You goes to....
-Drew Rosenhaus. you sick money hungry mother fucker. quit getting it into these pro athletes heads that "it aint show friends, its show business." holdouts are the most over written, over speculated, over broadcasted aspects of sports in the offseason. we talk about holdouts as if its their fault. This little Jay Mohresque fucker jacks up management for more loot and all hell breaks loose. Suddenly youre on the hot seat, youre greedy, your career is dragged through the dirt with sports stat guys jonesin for teleprompter recognition, you are officially putting the I in team, and worst of all youre probably not going to get that much more fucking money. Who is to blame for all this bullshit? certainly not the athlete. smells like sleazy dirty whore sex, and im not buying. Its all because of agents like Drew Rosenhaus.
-The Parent's Television Council
-Karl Rove
Fashion Consulting 401: Accessories

Thats right, byatches, shoobie is about to lay it on nice and thick for you to soak up and heed some stellar advice from a guy who knows what other guys are thinking about the shit you wear. In case you are a noobie, here is Fashion Consulting 201a, 201b, and 301. so today i would like to talk about accessories. the little things you ladies come up with to throw some extra spice into the outfit. maybe you want a guy to notice and say whats up. maybe you want your coworkers to say you look cute. or maybe you are just an attention whore, accessorizing yourself to no end so everyone pays attention and then talks shit about your horrible outfit behind your back. so here are some quick tips on what looks good and what looks awful.

Knee High Socks
Hair Stuff

No, not our half german aryan buddy with a hot sister whose name sounds like silky. not what i did to sackhil's mom last night. not what the jews allegedly used to post jesus christo to a lowercase T. we are talking about fingernails today folks.

i have a semi conspiracy theory that women are advancing faster, evolutionally speaking, than men because of fingernails. think about how many wonderful things women can do with their nails that men just have no grasp of.

- Blackberries and other handheld devices that require tiny little toddler fingers and/or nails in order to use effectively and efficiently.
- keyboards, phone buttons, calculators, ATM machines... women with nails are far superior to their female counterparts who keep their nails short.
- backrubs. i would much rather get a backrub with some nail in it than just finger.
- stickers, Hello my name is... labels, the piece of tape stuck to the whole roll with no discernible start or end point. (pet peeve of mine)
The Retarted Elevator

why is it a fact that at least one elevator per building is the retarted elevator? do you think the other elevators make fun of the retarted elevator or do they have compassion for how bad he fucks up on a day to day basis? if they are made by the same company and with the same exact parts, how can one elevator deliver people in a timely manner while the other elevator breaks down, always gets stuck on floor 2 going up, doesnt start moving until about 10 uncomfortable seconds after the doors closed, smells like the trash cart just got rolled through it, reeks of blood agar-- perhaps the kryptonite of all smells ever.

Readers, feel free to finish out any of these posts. mander, i know you wanna talk some shit about the ice storm of 93. choobs, you were kind of a self-loathing asian photographer stereotype that weekend.... anyone else, feel free. i am starting to doubt that other bloggers even read this, considering no one did their own aristocrats joke. i mean come on, what an easy way to waste 5 minutes of your day to get shit off your chest and make other people think of you as a sick incestuous perverted funboy.


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