Tuesday, March 29, 2005

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In honor of music's ali-like return to atlanta, todays post will be in regards to squatting. now i know some of you are probably thinking... what the fuck do homeless people living in abandoned buildings and live tunes have anything to do with each other? and to that i would say, nothing. because the squatting i am talking about does not involve homeless people at all. in fact, it involves a woman's biggest fear at a concert.

youve all been there before. in the parking lot you drank about 4 glasses of punch, feeling that nice buzz going on. maybe you drank a few tall boys of pbr and lit up a doobie snack. who knows. but your system is flowing with alcohol and feeling pretty warm and fuzzy. you sneak a little flask into the show and get to the perfect spot on the lawn, since thats the only way to roll to spring concerts. the opening band comes on and although youve never heard their shit, they sound ok. but now..... you have to pee. FUCK!

here is where god drew a fine line in the sand.

god said, you know what? later on in history, thousands of years down the road, man and woman will attend social functions together, the functions will be outdoors, and inevitably, both sexes will have to urinate at some point during the night. but then, he played a trick on you women.... he realized you would take waaaay too much fucking time in the bathroom as it is, so he created the port-o-potty.

Ahh of course, the port-o-potty! men dont mind it and women loooathe it. what a perfect way to punish women for their hours of dominating the bathroom over men. hair dryers, leg shaving, primping, just sitting, thinking, whatever the fuck you all do in there, god knew it would lead up to a punishment for your horrible bathroom habits. because, ya see women, when youre at something like a concert and you need to pee so bad and you run into this:

you have to wait in a long line of fruity looking men, get to the potty, find that there is piss and shit and puke all over the seat, pray for TP, and then.... you squat as close to the seat without actually touching and let it ride. men have the unquestionable advantage in this situation. we can choose to wait with the rest of our brethren for the long haul to the port o potty, or we can take matters into our own hands.

there are always little quiet nooks and spots all over the world for men to take a piss without having to wait for any line. a group of bushes, a tree, behind an alley, a dumpster, a trash can, wherever there is a clear 6x6 area so it doesnt splash up or runoff towards your shoes, we can piss on it.

now i will say this.... some women have figured out an amazing feat. they are years beyond their fellow sisters.... evolution is looking kindly upon them. because they have figured out 'hey, its ok for girls to squat.'

one time during fall break, swilliams buddies from CT came down to visit. we went to famous and before we went in, drunk as all hell, the two girls went over to one of those little boxes along the sidewalk that have bushes in them, squatted, and pissed right on the sidewalk in front of everyone (some also managed to get in the box). i had never seen a woman own her femininity like this before.

i have absolutely nothing more to say on this topic. well, when i googled for squatting peeing, i got 'twat squat'.... that was kind of amusing. also, isnt it funny that the reverse of this topic is considered gay/weird/not ordinary.... when guys sit down to pee. ask any guy about peeing sitting down and they will either mention a buddy they know who does it (magruder) or how its very taboo for a guy to do that.

unfortunately there arent any pictures of girls squatting to piss on the internet... i guess i am the only sick fuck who would want a shot of that. for the blog! its for the blog!!


Friday, March 25, 2005

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Pop It Like It's Hot

although i expected him to be less 'trendy',
he deserves to pop whatever the fuck he wants.

Nut Trees and that Green Shit Everywhere

Alright you little complaining bitches.... the conversation with a black chick has been taken down. god damn its too politically correct out there, even in bloggyland. the reason i put that up in the first place is because i was walking down the hall at work and as i passed one of those 8' x 8' cube spaces, i heard this white chick going on and on about the dumbest shit while the black chick was just like 'uh huh, ok, yaaaaaa'. she probably goes home to her lady friends and bitches about the white woman who bitches about the dumbest shit at work.

that said, i think its safe to say its springtime in ATL. with spring comes the dark tan, one of the things my jewish jersey smoker mom blessed me with in her gene pool. also, the skirts are being rocked like crazy right now... keep up the good work ladies. just try not to mix two fashion faux paus together.... like capri pants with a skirt over it, or jean skirt with chinchila jacket and uggs. keep it simple, and sexy, and short. hahaha. also with the spring comes my annual hurr dye festivities, where my little brown ix become my frosty tip ix, circa gavin rossdale 1996. (thanks dembo!)

and last but not least, the trees. now im not talking about the kind of trees that i will be burning around 4ish this afternoon until sunday night. these trees are special to atlanta. basically every year around late march, early april, these trees blossom and emit the most horrific odor known to man. they can be found all over the emory/clifton road area, as well as in the VA highlands and midtown. who knows where they have spread by now.... i guess i refer to them as nut trees, although i have heard the varieties: cum trees, pussy trees, vemunda trees, chode trees.

does anyone know the actual name of the trees that smell like absolute ass in atlanta? you cant walk down the street without deeply inhaling the fresh scent of semen in the morning. its refreshing to know that there is a worse smell out there than deep fried tuna hairpie.

and the only thing worse than a big wiff of semen in your nose? green pollen EVERYWHERE! i dont think i have ever been to a state with worse pollen count during spring/summer.

when i say it leaves green residue on everything, i am not fucking around. cars, sidewalks, bums, everything. and this is why i wrote my college essay on hating nature.

have fun this weekend. GOOOOOO CARDS!

Monday, March 21, 2005

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This weekend was quite possibly the greatest March Madness i have had in the past five years. Unfortunately, syracuse, uconn, kansas, wake, and gonzaga are all gone. brackets across the country are in ruins. i can painfully admit that my best bracket has 3 teams left in the final four, which is looking to be a great matchup of #1 seeds.

But lets start this journey on friday, when my crew found itself knee deep in Yellow Jackets at Manuels Tavern. Here are some interesting facts you should know about GA Tech fans. (since 1998, when i arrived in atl...)
- GA Tech fans have gone to three NCAA tourneys. 2001, lost in round 1. 2004, lost in the final. 2005, well....youll see below.
- 50% of tech's fan base is strictly bandwagon; georgia residents who need a team to cling to during march madness choose tech, especially with last years performance.
- Not a lot of girls show up for the games. or the after parties. or ever, really.
- 20 tech students can drink as much as me and three buddies.
- Your ethnicity should somehow tie in with the continent of Asia.
- Your prayers for winning games are based off the play of a 7 foot australian redheaded stepchild.
- You cheer every point, every rebound, every steal, with a golf clap because you have never gotten intense about a sports event in your life and you dont really follow basketball unless deepak, suni, and kirpal try and get the ICE to meet up at a bar and watch misery for 40 minutes.

uncircumcised australian hoops player known for choking in big games

moving on....
Saturday, when the weather in atl held out just enough warmth for me to embark on a disc golf extravaganza. redan park runs leagues on saturdays, so we had to make the trek to lenora park instead. the gentle giant loved the course, able to launch his cannon shot hundreds of feet past my little dinky straight shots. we played 10 holes before we decided that smoking massive bowls and watching basketball was just a better idea. then double overtime happened with West VA upsetting my wake forest picks and the night turned into complete debauchery. we met up with dwelly, timmyjimmy, his lady friend, and some more ladies over at moes and hoes. after downing several $3 pbr's it was off to fontaines. shots were poured and everything was cool until a.wild katz showed up and karmatically inspired wild shit to go down. someone caught fire to her purse, her hoodie, and a napkin all in one swift move. beers were also dropped on the floor due to girls not being able to handle their drugs of choice. all in all, for what was billed as a relaxing night before my big game on sunday, it was a hilarious night for all.

sunday morning, 8 am, alarm goes off. call gets patched into mama shu re: louisville tickets for the big dance. she was already in nashville, tn, and had obtained the 2 tix for me and swilly to get to the game. 9:30 am departure from atl up 75 to 24 west. sometimes, road trips are only as good as the music available in the car. lucky for me swilly has massive cd collex plus mp3s via laptop. bowls were packed, twists were twisted, and we were off for this 240 mile, 3 hour ride to the Gaylord Entertainment Center.

If last weekend was 'catlanta' for UK fans, then this weekend in 'pitinoville' the black and red dominated the entire city. i would say that the Louisville fans outnumbered the GA Tech fans 20:1. that means in every bar lining the broadway strip of nashville, you heard 95% more talking and jeering about garcia and dean than glory days of jarret jack and luke so-unsure. (that kid looked like his feet were nailed to the basketball court for the first 20 minutes) 95% more makers mark ordered. 95% more hope for a sweet sixteen bid.

so after mama shu handed me the 2 tix and got us nice and toasty with shots and beers (which she had been downing 2 hours before my arrival), we proceeded back to the car for a quick rejuvie and then into the stadium for the two games.

After watching Florida twice this year, i can say this for certain. The SEC sucks. I said it before when there were 1000s of fans surrounding me in the GA Dome for championship week, and ill say it again here for all to read. the SEC sucks. they are the biggest tourney choke artists ever. so it was no surprise to catch villanova parlay their 5-12 win into a sweet sixteen bid.

for each college game, there are 4 sections of fans on the floor. then the upper area is general admission; anyone who gets their hands on the tickets can have them regardless of school following. C-A-R-D-S, CARDS! cheers filled the air with 10 minutes left in the Nova-UF game. we were louder than two other fan bases combined! when our squad came out to watch the required 2 minutes of the first game, the stadium looked more like the red sea and i swear, beers knocked over because of the noise.

Despite god having nothing to do with it, garcia's skills cause waves in the red sea

Needless to say, we smoked tech by 21 points and our double digit lead dropped to 9 once in the 2nd half. Louisville continues on and GA Tech fans head home. Of course on our first stop for gas, there were plenty of Tech boys in their gold and black polos, khakis, and loafers, looking like they were just penetrated, beat down, and stuffed into a trunk. i was popping my louisville shirt like we were on top of the world.

Despite being hideous, this fan 'pops his jersey' to the GT team

and after all this madness and bracket busting and crazy upset city, i just have one question that remains unanswered (and hopefully will stay that way until St. Louis)....

how does it feel to be fleeced?

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

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Can I Get a Circumcision Up In Here?

Yes i know, 2 penis blogs in a row. Whatever, this is all ive got to go on so i am just gonna run with it. All jewish boys are circumcised. we go to sunday school and jcc camp and shit like that so we dont get exposed to really any penis, let alone non circumcised. but then comes the day in every young jewish boy's life, when he starts to download porn off the internet. there are a variety of fun and enlightening topics out there.... and sometimes european porn eeks through the filter and gets downloaded when youre just trying to get a little Milfhunter.com video footage to squeak out a quick one before your retarded roommate gets home from work and interrupts happy time.

now in this european porn, most of the dudes hogs are not circumcised. that shit is fucking disgusting. sorry to any dudes without one, but that shit looks fucking fucked up. if i were an american chick and i went over to australia for my little summer abroad program and after flirting with surfer boy from sydney take him back to my host familys cottage and whip out his dick and saw a fucking tube sock over the top of it, i would peace out faster than you can say.... snip!

now check out this:
Besides cultural or religious motivations for circumcision, a 1988 study of new mothers in the midwestern United States (an area with a high circumcision rate)found that 71% of the participants preferred a circumcised partner for sexual intercourse, and 83% for giving fellatio. (92% cited cleanliness and 90% appearance as reasons.)
See, i knew i was right. 83% of women in america peace out on a dick that isnt kempt. i bet i could say without trying to drum up any stereotypes that not a single jewish girl i have ever met so far would be so dick hungry that they would stay the long haul for an uncircumcised dick. unless it were a black dude. if i am wrong i would love to hear stories. as a matter of fact any ladies out there who have a funny uncircumcised dick story, id love to hear it. in the comments section. please, comments. please.

just remember.... if you are a european and you plan on sewing your wild oats over here in america, get your tip clipped before you get here. they have some great oral anesthetics nowadays. OUCH! and if you dont have medical coverage in your country, please please please do NOT use this method:

Thank you, this has been a pubic service announcement.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

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Hypothetical Extremes

(this may or may not happen in any 'guys night' conversation when hypotheticals start to get sprung)

yo dude, do you dare me to eat a spoonful of this ketchup for a dollar? no. you dont dare me to swallow a spoonful of ketchup for a dollar? nope. how bout for free? alright fine screevy, do whatcha gotta do. mmmmyum.

from the classic Todd Phillips directed, ska budnick inspired flick Road Trip:
"It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off... cause it's YOUR dog."

or the even more classic:
What would you do if you had a million dollars? I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man. That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time? Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money. Well, not all chicks. Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do. Good point.

hey pubes, i am about to shit all over this blackjack table. <dealer: sir there will be no shitting on the table> how much do you guys bet ill shit on the table?

wild, if you killed a deputy, a judge, a dea agent, and jacked 2 cars?!? what would you do? i dunno but i wouldnt stay 20 minutes outside the city. dude if i did all that shit i would definitely drive that night straight to fucking mexico. or canada (always on the brain: mary jane). do you know how many sketchy ways there are to get into canada? fuck canada. hehe.

dude ask him the question. alright fine. loee, if someone came up here right now and with a briefcase of unlimited cash, right to the door, COD (cash on delivery, for you rich people) and all you had to do was suck his dick, whats the lowest amount it would have to be?
most men answer at least one million dollars or above to that last question. i know for a fact that me and yan both answered over a million....and i'm not even the homophobe. its not even about the gay thing, although i guess it kinda is.

even this guy would suck dick for one miiiillion dollars. damn how old is that fucking joke.

its really a question of how big of a whore are you? how much are you willing to lay down your god given rights: to say you eat only pussy OR a shot in the mouth and some quick cash. its a story of short money folks. and in this short money world, my man loee would suck a guys dick for $10,000. when me and yan scream at the same time "10,000 dollars!!!?".....

he lowered it to 5.

i hate to do this but, the little devil on my shoulder once again talked me into it. the angel, or your conscience, as some people like to call it, only told me to smudge it so that everyone still knew who it was who knows the kid and no one else could recognize him.


Friday, March 11, 2005

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Humble Humanitarian

I feel the smallest, microscopic, teeny tiniest bit bad about punking the mayor of the highlands. giving yourself a nickname is bad. but to make it up, i will shamelessly plug what sounds to be a marvelous charitable event.

St. Baldricks Day, where people pay money to see their friends hair chopped off, is happening tonight at Park Tavern at 8 pm. There should be good tunes, good drinks, and of course top quality talent. any joel willins production can only pull the finest wool to a party. not to mention, warrick dunn and tj duckett are getting their heads shaved along with some ladies who arent lesbians. outta be a good thing to do on a friday night.

I feel like i could probably raise around $3,500 for my ix getting completely shaved. i have never ever ever taken clippers to this marvelous bush for any reason. when i was a pledge they told me they were going to shave my head.... i told them i would walk. not to mention, they are pretty much at their peak growth, somewhere in the 8 inches category... enough to pull down and touch my chin. chances of this happening? 0%.

i will be attending the Umphrey's McGee concert instead. wish i could be there.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

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Corned Beef Karma

Thats right people. the cow. the animal that never gets any shout outs unless its a chick-fil-a billboard littering this wonderful city. and ya know i have to give a little love to the filet mignon. i mean god damn you taste so good. a little mini wassup to the ground round. i dont know where you come from but you go into so many things its hard to just not say wassup. ooh also gotta say mad respect to the utter. i mean what good is mac with no cheese, oreos with no milk, aerosmith album with no cover?

all of these things are wonderful. but today i am going to give the award to the brisket. ya see, the brisket is the meat from the chest and lower breast. when slowly cooked and pickled, it becomes the god damn best meat in the world: corned beef.

Now since my mutha hails from jersey, and she went to the city all the time as a kid, and since new jersey is like the black sheep of the tri-state area family, they know a thing or two about good corned beef. the jewish delis in nyc/nj serve up the most enormous heaping piles of corned beef sandwiches. you almost need 2 extra pieces of rye brought out to collect anything that drops out into a whole new sandwich. they throw the spicy mustard and the kosher pickles out on the table and its just all over. Best. Sandwich. Meat. Ever.

when i wasnt flying to NJ and having corned beef like 3 times a visit, there were limited options. stevens and stevens in louisville didnt open until like 1995. thats the closest to NY you can get in the ville. the next best option was always Shapiro's Deli in Indianapolis. i mean you had to have a reason to be going to indy, but once you did have a reason the shapiros stopover was not even a question... it had to be done.

Now i know the irish folks reading this blog say: hey there lad. wee own the corned beef. wee serve it on our beloved st. pattys day meal. every easter, our little children sean and mollie eat potatoes and corned beef and cole slaw. its in our blood! dont disrespect our culture like that.

and to those irish people: you say potato i say fuck you! its ours. we have the reuben sandwich mother fuckers! you already have the potato fellas. you dont need to be stealing the corned beef for your damn race. let the jews have the fucking corned beef.

and since its my blog, i win. check out these links for a little mystery in history.

last but not least, a little funny anecdote:
So i have lived in ATL for 6ish years. and i have tried the reuben sandwich at a fair amount of restaurants here. and since there is no such thing as a NY style deli in the south, i have of course been perma-unsatisfied. 2 days beforehand, i was talking about corned beef. i craved it. i had been told there was a ny style deli up 75 somewhere, but no idea of the name. sucks! sucks. so last sunday i did my standard crescent room brunch. but this time, afterwards, jonny and i went to twains to play some pool. and when we arrived, there was a smell in the air.... no way, is that? oh shit it is.... corned beef. and why was there a lingering smell of corned beef in the air?

The New York Corned Beef Society of Atlanta was holding its meeting at twains, sundays at 4 pm. and if you dont believe that there is such a thing, just click here or here. i guess they just started in january.... 9 bucks a plate and you get to play pool for free. let me repeat that just in case you didnt read it correctly. 9 dollars. huge corned beef sandwich NY style. pickle. spicy mustard. free pool. wide selections of brews.

I dont mind if you forward this blog to all of your tri state area friends stuck in the south. They have a right to know.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

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Its Cosmic!

Bowling. all americans love to bowl. black people, white people, cracker ass rednecks, the dude, everyone in amurrica bowls. when i was a little kid, i was in a bowling league. me and my canadian buddy matt borer were both pretty sick at it. by the way, before ix and pubes and all that stuff, matt borer used to call me 'J'. unfortunately because he was a pussy candian it would be like: 'that was a great bar mitzvah eh, j?' or 'mm these are good cheese fries eh, j?' worst. nickname. ever! anyway, i digress... i was up against the most fucking redneck backwards ass kids... these creeps could roll! basically in kentucky, all you can do on a weekend when you are age 10-15 is watch TGIF, play laser tag, go to a friends, or go bowling. so i know a thing or two about how to bowl. i grew up with it. i know its kind of lame now compared to binge drinking with all your friends falling down giggling at a bar every weekend, but please, keep on task and dont talk back. this blog will all be explained soon.

so this weekend a bunch of us went to see Be Cool (which flat out sucked big ass balls-- dont go see, might not even be worth a rent) and then went to dinner at an actual good italian restaurant off cheshire. (why is cheshire 1/3 porn shops, 1/3 dank restaurants, and 1/3 gas stations) then we decided to go bowling since it was right there. of course we get to the cheshire one and once again they have rented every single lane out to one party. saturday night. i mean isnt that written in the rules somewhere that you cant do that?! anyway we head over to the strip mall lanes (suburban lanes) in decatur off church street.

we pay for three games, six people, average bowling time: 3 hours. at about the 7th frame, game 1, around 10 pm, suddenly the lights all turn off. the disco balls above the lanes start to turn. queue up the music. and our crew had just walked into a trap. we had arrived at cosmic bowling: decatur style.

Now I am open to change. change is good right? so i guess for the most part, the concept of cosmic bowling is pretty cool... but you have to have the right elements. the decatur bowling alley had one of the schwagest cosmic bowling nights ever. let me set it up for you.

1) No Black Lights. none. now when you turn the lights off, and have no back up black lights to turn on, it makes it a little bit difficult to throw a 16 pound ball down a narrow wood alley and hit a bunch of pins 40 feet away. lights are crucial to the bowling. this appears obvious to the non-GA readers.
2) Weak Fog Machine. listen, if youre going to pop for the lights and the disco balls and tell everyone its going to be fun, at least get a decent fog machine. if the fog only covers 5 lanes out of a possible 35, then we dont exactly have the 'foggy' effect. my brain could produce more fog with all the bong resin.
3) No Glow in the Dark Balls/Pins. This ties in with the non existant black lights. cosmic bowling requires the alley to provide either glow in the dark pins, glow in the dark balls, or both.
4) Awful Tunes. This holds true at almost any commercial establishment where music can be heard. but if the point is to turn out the lights and play loud tunes while people bowl and allegedly dance and party, youre going to have to do a liiiittle bit better than this soundtrack. and in case you're not one to click on hyperlinks, this soundtrack:

1. Let's Get Ready To Rumble! - Michael Buffer
2. Get Ready 4 This - 2 Unlimited
3. Whoomp! There It Is - Tag Team
4. Strike It Up - Black Box
5. Tootsee Roll - 69 Boys
6. Pump It Up, Go 'Head, Go 'Head - Various Artists
7. Come Baby Come - K7
8. It Takes Two - Rob Base
9. Gridiron Groove - Various Artists
10. Gonna Make You Sweat - C & C Music Factory
11. Hip Hop Hooray - Naughty By Nature
12. Pump Up The Volume - M/A/R/R/S
13. The Power - Snap
14. Uh, Ungawaa! - Various Artists
15. Unbelievable - EMF
16. YMCA - Village People
17. Pump Up The Jam - Technotronic
18. Twilight Zone - 2 Unlimited
19. The Old Ballgame - Ray Castoldi
20. Rock And Roll Part 2 - Gary Glitter
Jock Jams Volume 1?! i mean come on.... THINK about your audience. 16-26 year olds, some parents, mostly black kids. there have been like 15 jock jams since volume 1.... please please please update your shit.

also while i am bitching, whats the word on bowling shoes. i mean is it so hard to ask you to refresh your stock of shoes maybe once a year? how dirty is it to throw your feet into shoes that have been worn by 1000s of other people. does that aerosol spray even do anything? or is it just to take away the painful smell of nappy toes before the bowling alley chick throws them back in their cubbyhole.

finally, whatever happened to bumper bowling? you just dont see it anymore.

anyway, here are some pictures of what cosmic bowling should look like. with a little work maybe one day the decatur suburban lanes can compete.

Suburban Lanes can take a page out of this book. see... fog and glow in the dark colors!

see how much better this chick probably looks with the lights off?

and last but not least.... 4 more reasons why cosmic bowling is better than real bowling:

i guess i could caption that last one... 'momma says go outside and play with your cock and balls.' but i would never go there. lessons learned today: seek out a good cosmic bowling place. dont talk to women from bowling alleys. play with your balls. make sure to go bowling AND bowling for maximum fun level. that is all.

Friday, March 04, 2005

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Funky Cold Medina

Well its friday, march 4, and i pray that when i go to the atm today, it is payday friday. i guess i could just check past blogs but its almost more fun to see all those digits on the bank receipt. In other news, March Madness will officially kickoff this weekend with some college hoops teams playing their final regular season games. this is basically the last ditch effort to be seeded nicely for conference playoffs, not to mention bubble teams trying to win as many games as possible. because when it all boils down to it, if you dont get an invite to the big dance, your whole season doesnt matter.

I feel like all my teams are really good. real contenders in all the realms of sports. unfortunately, they just dont have the extra umph to really crack a championship out. Like the Atlanta Braves, who have gone 13 seasons in a row as NL south champs. only won the world series once. Like the Atlanta Falcons, who smoked their playoff round opponent and then blew it anyway to Philly. And the Louisville Cards football squad, who won their bowl game but wont even get a shot at a national championship until next year. And finally, we arrive at the current sport, Louisville Cards basketball. Last night, senior night, Larry O'Bannon TORCHED Charlotte making 5-9 three pointers, 6-7 2 pointers, 6-6 free throws, 2 steals, and 4 rebounds. Taquan Dean who has mono was 6-11 threeballs, 2-2 2 pointers, 5-6 free throws, and 3 rebounds. Ellis Myles was 2 rebounds shy of a triple double, gaining 10 points 10 assists and 8 rebounds. Just keep it flowing into March, get a 3 seed, and smoke everyone.

Next on the agenda: poker hands. so i dont care who reads this and who skips, i just figure i would show you how much fucking money i make. two hands really stood out for me last night. here is hand 1:

so its texas hold em. QQ is a 4:1 favorite over T9 suited apparently. When the flop comes and i catch my set, i am feeling pretty confident. I bet the max, the other guy hesitates then calls. I had been agressive all night so i knew any hesitations were of course drawing hands. When the turn came, i knew my man over there had picked up a flush. The reason i bet the max is because you have to remember, these kids are timid with their money. even though he had a flush he was hesitant. the river could not have hooked me up more. i studied his face for awhile, then bet the max. he reluctantly called into the nuts. Look how much difference there is between when i had a made hand on the flop, then he had a made hand on the turn, back to 100% my way. send em!

next hand was Omaha Hi-Lo 3-6. its dealt like texas, except you get 4 cards in your hand. you HAVE to use 2 cards, so if 6789 hit the board, and you have a ten, its not a straight. you have to use two cards from your hand...get it? Basically half the pot goes to the high hand, straights, flushes, full houses, etc. The other half goes to the shittiest hand. 6-4-3-2-A. 7-5-4-2-A. Where you have the shittiest cards and still cant make a high hand. In this particular example it doesnt matter, but:

i raised pre-flop to get the suckers out. someone had bet a dollar so i raised 3. $4 to call. three callers. $15 in the pot. The reason i raised is because if a low doesnt fall (which it didnt) then my hand will probably be extremely helped by anything that hits the board. sure enough, i had the nut full house right away. the lesson here is that i got paid off the whole way. most people would check their boat hoping someone else will bet. instead i bet to find out who was trying to catch. my nemesis, who is also a good friend (he just beats me on full houses all the time) was calling me the whole way. i knew he was chasing the flush too, probably had straight outs... when the turn came up diamond, i knew i had him trapped and he would pay me off. bet $6. call. bet $6. call. NUTS! fuck! sorry bra.

so that was my poker night, overall even. katz was juiced up at least 180 before dropping down to a reasonable 100.

last but not least, hodgepodge:

speaking of poker games, i am officially 2 degrees of separation from this game: video.

-Here are some things that are really just peeving me off right now. I dont let things get to me but sometimes shit just has to be said.
slow parking-garage drivers. i know the sign posted says please drive 7 mph. but my car doesnt even know what 7 is. it starts at 10 and when youre trying to get to work in the morning, maybe yours should read at least 15 too.
people who dont make eye contact. just a sign of weakness people.
people who don’t look before they walk into elevators. Hi...i need to get out. please get the fuck out of my way so you can get on.
people who don’t say thank you when you hold the door for them. fucking awful manners.
people who microwave their disgusting food at work. i hate when i am hungry and walking towards lunch and/or cig break and someones artichoke heart tuna casserole has been nuked nearby and my nose flares up like it wants to release the instantaneous puke building up in the back of my throat. its just not cool to cook nasty smell food at work people.

My mail lady has no idea how happy i am when she comes to my house. she is a 50ish year old black lady and she walks up to all the boxes by the door, there arent mailboxes at the driveway in my hood. sometimes i am there at lunch and she drops 6 little red envelopes in my hand and makes all my sadness go away. if i am a jew do i still get her a christmas gift? does anyone do that anymore?

They should release a CD called: Jewish Camp Songs MegaHits 2005. It would include all the classics like 'leaving on a jet plane' and 'circle game', as well as a plethora of other campfire songs. maybe it could even be like a 4-disc set, with israeli dance songs that we had to do back in camp. I guarantee you this CD would sell like hotcakes.

Last but not least... i heart TILT. threesome with your nemesis's daughter and a dirty dirty whore? could life be any more sweeet.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

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Another Group of Brainless Pop Icons

The Rocvs.The Rock
Spits it through the wireSpits it in your face
Nicknames: Jigga, Jiggaman, Hova, Young Hova, Hove, H to the Izzo V to the Izzay, Shawn Carter, S.Carter, Jay-HovaNicknames: The Rock, bad actor, The Peoples Champion, The Brahma Bull, The Great One
finishing move: using a gunfinishing move: Rock Bottom; People's Elbow
Enterprises: Record company, clothing line Rocafella, gangster movies, 10 hit albumsEnterprises: about 100 WWF/WWE dvds, Walking Tall, The Scorpion King, GQ Man of the Year,
Harlem street basketball courtsAll-American Miami(U) football
If youre feeling like a pimp, go on brush your shoulders off.Do you smell what the rock is cooking?
net worth: $286 millionnet worth: way less than the roc, $30 mill for 3 movies
Beyonce Knowles banged himMarried: Dany Garcia, 1 kid

see this is what happens when you smoke too much. you have NOTHING good to blog about.

A Fictional Conversation... with Jim Breuer

Welcome again readers, to another fine installment of burning questions. tonight on the hot hot hot seat we have a man who needs no introduction. Weve all seen this guys movie, one or two of his stand up acts, maybe even his SNL characters. Strangely enough, no one knows the deep secrets. the dirty little notes he has kept along his acclimated rise through the ranks of celebrity status in hollywood. and that is where we shall venture today, with Jim Breuer.

Me: hi jim.
Me: Tell us a little bit about the set of saturday night live. Was it naughty?
Jim: Hey man whats goooin on man? dude thanks for having me on your blog. i could use some public exposure if you know what i mean (wink). expooosure. exp ooo zure. exp ho zure. hehe i said ho. so wait what was the question again?
Me: tell us about SNL
Jim: right man. well as some of you know i was on the cast of SNL for only three years.
Me: some members stay on forever and never move on like darrel hammond. why only 3?
Jim: well man, because i was fired by the man!
Me: damn the man!
Jim: indeed. i caused this big stir when i started doing another show on mtv, The Jim Breuer Show. Lorne got all pissed at me and it just didnt work out, so i was fired.
Me: that sucks because you had so many characters in such an early stage of development. you could have taken goat boy to at least three more innovating seasons before cutting that act.
Jim: aww thanks man. dude you will not believe how many drunk frat guys ask me to do goat boy. still! ill be at a bar and theyll just hound me until i do goat boy. its... kind of embarassing.
Me: aww dont let it get to you. what about your other characters.
Jim: dont... dont staart with me shoobie. dont you dare. are you mocking me. are you... are you trying to own me? i outta bash your fuckin head in with a fuckin bat you fuck!

Me: nice pesci, nice. what else ya got?
Jim: thats it. thats pretty much my whole resume. oooh... one time i did do stephen hawking.
Me: Who is the bigger devil: mtv or lorne michaels
Jim: damn man.... thats tough. lorne michaels got me in the door. he gave me a shot and i kinda fucked him over. mtv is... mtv. im gonna have to go with lorne michaels on this one.
Me: OK, lets segway into a new arena... film. tell us about half baked. did you guys really smoke herb on the set.
Jim: dude we never answer that question.... anyone who asks we never tell. but uh, hell ya! you think that maui wowwee was fake? no way bro! chapelle hooked up the phat blunt connection! that dude is so messed up when he smokes man.

Me: nice. so you have also made several appearances on conan o'brien's show. whats that relationship like?
Jim: oh man, conan is the best! he used to write for the shown (snl) and he thought i was funny and i thought he was funny and it just clicked from there. the other guys wont put me on tv but conan has always thrown me on the air. he is just a giant redheaded irishman who brings the funny.
Me: You recently achieved perhaps one of the greatest milestones a comedian could ever hope for. in a survey, comedy central ranked you in their top 100 standup comedians of all time, is that right?
Jim: dude, not cool.
Me: what? thats what i have written down here on the card.
Jim: shoobie... i was #91! 91 man! do you know how lame that is? 90 people are funnier and better than i am! major downer man.
Me: oooh, looks like we've hit a sore spot. well to cheer you up, i will tell you a little anecdote. when i was in college you came to emory and did your stand up routine. ya know the one about how when youre out drinking your stomach is like a party and everyone is having a good time until the mexicans (read: tequila) show up.... the mexicans and cowboys (whiskey) dont get along... things start to go crazy.. etc, etc. anyway, the stand up took place in our church auditorium, like the only place to fit tons of people on campus. and you were like damn i cant say anything bad in here! what religion is this school anyway? and everyone from the audience screamed: JEWISH! that was hilarious, ill never forget it.
Jim: awesome man. awesome.
Me: any upcoming projects?
Jim: nope, not really.
Me: ok cool. thanks for joining us jim.
Jim: smoke em if you got em.
Me: oh i will. i will. thats all we have today... join us next week when we take you on a trip with kelly ripa!