A Fictional Conversation... with Jim Breuer

Welcome again readers, to another fine installment of burning questions. tonight on the hot hot hot seat we have a man who needs no introduction. Weve all seen this guys movie, one or two of his stand up acts, maybe even his SNL characters. Strangely enough, no one knows the deep secrets. the dirty little notes he has kept along his acclimated rise through the ranks of celebrity status in hollywood. and that is where we shall venture today, with Jim Breuer.

Me: hi jim.
Me: Tell us a little bit about the set of saturday night live. Was it naughty?
Jim: Hey man whats goooin on man? dude thanks for having me on your blog. i could use some public exposure if you know what i mean (wink). expooosure. exp ooo zure. exp ho zure. hehe i said ho. so wait what was the question again?
Me: tell us about SNL
Jim: right man. well as some of you know i was on the cast of SNL for only three years.
Me: some members stay on forever and never move on like darrel hammond. why only 3?
Jim: well man, because i was fired by the man!
Me: damn the man!
Jim: indeed. i caused this big stir when i started doing another show on mtv, The Jim Breuer Show. Lorne got all pissed at me and it just didnt work out, so i was fired.
Me: that sucks because you had so many characters in such an early stage of development. you could have taken goat boy to at least three more innovating seasons before cutting that act.
Jim: aww thanks man. dude you will not believe how many drunk frat guys ask me to do goat boy. still! ill be at a bar and theyll just hound me until i do goat boy. its... kind of embarassing.
Me: aww dont let it get to you. what about your other characters.
Jim: dont... dont staart with me shoobie. dont you dare. are you mocking me. are you... are you trying to own me? i outta bash your fuckin head in with a fuckin bat you fuck!


Me: nice pesci, nice. what else ya got?
Jim: thats it. thats pretty much my whole resume. oooh... one time i did do stephen hawking.
Me: Who is the bigger devil: mtv or lorne michaels
Jim: damn man.... thats tough. lorne michaels got me in the door. he gave me a shot and i kinda fucked him over. mtv is... mtv. im gonna have to go with lorne michaels on this one.
Me: OK, lets segway into a new arena... film. tell us about half baked. did you guys really smoke herb on the set.
Jim: dude we never answer that question.... anyone who asks we never tell. but uh, hell ya! you think that maui wowwee was fake? no way bro! chapelle hooked up the phat blunt connection! that dude is so messed up when he smokes man.


Me: nice. so you have also made several appearances on conan o'brien's show. whats that relationship like?
Jim: oh man, conan is the best! he used to write for the shown (snl) and he thought i was funny and i thought he was funny and it just clicked from there. the other guys wont put me on tv but conan has always thrown me on the air. he is just a giant redheaded irishman who brings the funny.
Me: You recently achieved perhaps one of the greatest milestones a comedian could ever hope for. in a survey, comedy central ranked you in their top 100 standup comedians of all time, is that right?
Jim: dude, not cool.
Me: what? thats what i have written down here on the card.
Jim: shoobie... i was #91! 91 man! do you know how lame that is? 90 people are funnier and better than i am! major downer man.
Me: oooh, looks like we've hit a sore spot. well to cheer you up, i will tell you a little anecdote. when i was in college you came to emory and did your stand up routine. ya know the one about how when youre out drinking your stomach is like a party and everyone is having a good time until the mexicans (read: tequila) show up.... the mexicans and cowboys (whiskey) dont get along... things start to go crazy.. etc, etc. anyway, the stand up took place in our church auditorium, like the only place to fit tons of people on campus. and you were like damn i cant say anything bad in here! what religion is this school anyway? and everyone from the audience screamed: JEWISH! that was hilarious, ill never forget it.
Jim: awesome man. awesome.
Me: any upcoming projects?
Jim: nope, not really.
Me: ok cool. thanks for joining us jim.
Jim: smoke em if you got em.
Me: oh i will. i will. thats all we have today... join us next week when we take you on a trip with kelly ripa!