Bowling. all americans love to bowl. black people, white people, cracker ass rednecks, the dude, everyone in amurrica bowls. when i was a little kid, i was in a bowling league. me and my canadian buddy matt borer were both pretty sick at it. by the way, before ix and pubes and all that stuff, matt borer used to call me 'J'. unfortunately because he was a pussy candian it would be like: 'that was a great bar mitzvah eh, j?' or 'mm these are good cheese fries eh, j?' worst. nickname. ever! anyway, i digress... i was up against the most fucking redneck backwards ass kids... these creeps could roll! basically in kentucky, all you can do on a weekend when you are age 10-15 is watch TGIF, play laser tag, go to a friends, or go bowling. so i know a thing or two about how to bowl. i grew up with it. i know its kind of lame now compared to binge drinking with all your friends falling down giggling at a bar every weekend, but please, keep on task and dont talk back. this blog will all be explained soon.
so this weekend a bunch of us went to see Be Cool (which flat out sucked big ass balls-- dont go see, might not even be worth a rent) and then went to dinner at an actual good italian restaurant off cheshire. (why is cheshire 1/3 porn shops, 1/3 dank restaurants, and 1/3 gas stations) then we decided to go bowling since it was right there. of course we get to the cheshire one and once again they have rented every single lane out to one party. saturday night. i mean isnt that written in the rules somewhere that you cant do that?! anyway we head over to the strip mall lanes (suburban lanes) in decatur off church street.
we pay for three games, six people, average bowling time: 3 hours. at about the 7th frame, game 1, around 10 pm, suddenly the lights all turn off. the disco balls above the lanes start to turn. queue up the music. and our crew had just walked into a trap. we had arrived at cosmic bowling: decatur style.
Now I am open to change. change is good right? so i guess for the most part, the concept of cosmic bowling is pretty cool... but you have to have the right elements. the decatur bowling alley had one of the schwagest cosmic bowling nights ever. let me set it up for you.
1) No Black Lights. none. now when you turn the lights off, and have no back up black lights to turn on, it makes it a little bit difficult to throw a 16 pound ball down a narrow wood alley and hit a bunch of pins 40 feet away. lights are crucial to the bowling. this appears obvious to the non-GA readers.
2) Weak Fog Machine. listen, if youre going to pop for the lights and the disco balls and tell everyone its going to be fun, at least get a decent fog machine. if the fog only covers 5 lanes out of a possible 35, then we dont exactly have the 'foggy' effect. my brain could produce more fog with all the bong resin.
3) No Glow in the Dark Balls/Pins. This ties in with the non existant black lights. cosmic bowling requires the alley to provide either glow in the dark pins, glow in the dark balls, or both.
4) Awful Tunes. This holds true at almost any commercial establishment where music can be heard. but if the point is to turn out the lights and play loud tunes while people bowl and allegedly dance and party, youre going to have to do a liiiittle bit better than this soundtrack. and in case you're not one to click on hyperlinks, this soundtrack:
1. Let's Get Ready To Rumble! - Michael BufferJock Jams Volume 1?! i mean come on.... THINK about your audience. 16-26 year olds, some parents, mostly black kids. there have been like 15 jock jams since volume 1.... please please please update your shit.
2. Get Ready 4 This - 2 Unlimited
3. Whoomp! There It Is - Tag Team
4. Strike It Up - Black Box
5. Tootsee Roll - 69 Boys
6. Pump It Up, Go 'Head, Go 'Head - Various Artists
7. Come Baby Come - K7
8. It Takes Two - Rob Base
9. Gridiron Groove - Various Artists
10. Gonna Make You Sweat - C & C Music Factory
11. Hip Hop Hooray - Naughty By Nature
12. Pump Up The Volume - M/A/R/R/S
13. The Power - Snap
14. Uh, Ungawaa! - Various Artists
15. Unbelievable - EMF
16. YMCA - Village People
17. Pump Up The Jam - Technotronic
18. Twilight Zone - 2 Unlimited
19. The Old Ballgame - Ray Castoldi
20. Rock And Roll Part 2 - Gary Glitter
also while i am bitching, whats the word on bowling shoes. i mean is it so hard to ask you to refresh your stock of shoes maybe once a year? how dirty is it to throw your feet into shoes that have been worn by 1000s of other people. does that aerosol spray even do anything? or is it just to take away the painful smell of nappy toes before the bowling alley chick throws them back in their cubbyhole.
finally, whatever happened to bumper bowling? you just dont see it anymore.
anyway, here are some pictures of what cosmic bowling should look like. with a little work maybe one day the decatur suburban lanes can compete.
Suburban Lanes can take a page out of this book. see... fog and glow in the dark colors!
see how much better this chick probably looks with the lights off?
and last but not least.... 4 more reasons why cosmic bowling is better than real bowling:
i guess i could caption that last one... 'momma says go outside and play with your cock and balls.' but i would never go there. lessons learned today: seek out a good cosmic bowling place. dont talk to women from bowling alleys. play with your balls. make sure to go bowling AND bowling for maximum fun level. that is all.