Tuesday, December 21, 2004

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Bloggy Over and Out

Faithful minions, this is your captain speaking. I guess i haven't been as consistent as when i first started this ranting and raving bloggy. But, that is because i am tapped out from work and not ever leaving the city unless i am going to the ville or some other weak attempt at vacation. It is for this reason that i will be taking a little break from the blog until after the new year.

I am headed to the best coast, chasing my dreams of fame and fortune, over the next week and a half. Last time i was in cali, i was a little teenager with no idea of what boozing and kush even meant. Now i will get to re-experience these fruits of the land in LA and San Fran (also some stopping along the coastal highway at St Luis Obispo and Monterrey)

I have been told by most of my traveling buds that i am not allowed to blog about shit that goes down on the trip. No guarantees there.... but what i can say is that whatever happens in cali stays in cali.... unless there is video/photo footage of it, in which case i will blast that all over the supernet.

Thank you for reading, i hope you all have a wonderful Christmas/Kwanza/Matzoh Ball/New Years festivus. See you in 2K5.

Here are some links for the Best of 2004 (as i deem funny):

Monday, December 20, 2004

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Underground ATL

Well, there is a new corporate monster coming to town. Now i know all the older readers of the blog think i am some kinda of cynical schmuck with a penchant for hating big devilish companies like AOL, Time Warner, Ted Turner, Blockbuster, TWA Flight 404, Whole Foods, etc. I will say that because of my stupendous thrashing and bashing of blockbuster, they recently took away all late fees.... once again i am torn between selling out my morals or sticking with my gut. i guess it doesnt matter since i have burned 300 movies and am pretty much done with the collection. take that! you fucking interpol you!

OK, back to the main rant. So the areas of interest in ATL to any tourists coming in for the holidays are as follows.
Buckhead - very hip hop. pretty much unsafe due to gunshot wounds at any point. used to be the spot but doors close at 2 am and all the white bars are pretty much closed down, except for fado fado, the last bastion of cracker whiteydom in buckhead.
Midtown - pretty much gay. not like the 4th grade use of the term.... more like fun boys literally line the streets from sunup to sundown.
Virginia Highlands - my cup of tea. plus i live within stumbling distance.
L5P - alternative scene, good for shopping and has 3 pubs and a concert venue.
East Atlanta - even more alternative than L5P. worth looking into if youre coming from the seattle area.
Cheshire Bridge Road - the devils alley located between midtown and buckhead. dildos, beads, peep shows, nasty georgia hooches. strip clubs in atl dont ever close, 365 a year.

Notice that one area of town failed to make the list. And do you know why it failed to make the list? Because NO ONE FUCKING GOES THERE! the area i am talking about, of course, is Underground Atlanta. now when i was a little 10 year old and the braves were about to start their long line of 13 divisional championships in a row (minus that 1 year for no baseball), i came to atlanta and checked out the tourist spots. underground atlanta reminded me of a shitty mall that no one went to. (like the galleria back home) half the shops were open. no good eats. generally unsafe to walk around in with your starter jacket or your zubaz tiger print pants.

Anyway, the city of Atlanta decided recently that since the downtown area is being redeveloped at a rapid pace, the best way to bring in millions of tourist dollars was to redevelop the epicenter of historic strife for this city. (Atlanta has burned down several times, underground atlanta has outlasted a long line of yankees coming through) I just read this article about the guy in charge of development pushing for legalized gambling in atlanta... FUCK! now i cant bash this as well....

Basically, this guy O'Leary is going to petition the local gov to make every other bar area in town close their doors at ridiculously early hours. while we are huddled in pubs that are on the brink of extinction, there will be no open container law AND the taps dont stop until 4 am in underground. seems like a pretty good plan, except for one thing.... look at the bars that will be filling up the empty slots:
The Future - a high energy dance club (which i heard on the radio has S&M themes)
The Alley Cat - rock and roll restaurant and bar
Latin Sol - salsa club with largest dance floor in atl
Island Oasis - jimmy buffett margaritaville hippy surfer dude bullshit. there is nothing lamer than a 50 year old man singing about tequila sunrises 30 years past his prime. (and his last name starts with a fucking B!)
Charlie Brown's Cabaret - las vegas themed shows and bars?
Koco's Latin Restaurant and Bar - didnt we see this the first time when it was Latin Sol?
Jamaica Jamaica - reggae, conch, and of course absolutely no tie to jamaica whatsoever.
Irish Bred - irish pub

Themed bars are a fucking joke in any town you visit. Louisville just did this exact same thing with 4th Street Live and I would sooner shoot myself in the face than return to the strip mall delights of trashy girls and sketchy out-of-towners all up in my pubspace. I guess i will probably give underground atl a looksy when i return from the best coast, but let the record show that i am anti and the only way there will ever be any success is if there are no shootings and white people can actually go to the places. which there will and wont be, respectively. so why even bother. and now, stunning pictures of this weekends overtime win at the Dome.

on 4th and goal(!), mike vick dashed for 12 yards and suspended himself 2 inches off the ground as he dove in for the touchdown. they would win by a field goal in OT.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

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Shout out to my Desi bros

I would just like to say that i did at one point write a bloggy about how pakistani humor is making a huge comeback and is selling like hotcakes in the american market. Although none of the people i pointed out were in fact pakistani, the idea of indians (dots, not feathers) impacting our society makes me think back to 1st grade when i met this kid imran and he was one of the funniest people of all time. he could do the fake pakistani accent on cue and his house smelled like curry and mueslix, this nasty indian health cereal that americans are just now catching onto. without further ado, i bring you the point of this re-stumbling back into past blogs....

MTV presents.... MTV Desi! your latest and greatest connection to the international indian pop culture scene. keep your finger on the pulse of what is going down in the raaj. this week only.. the IMMIE awards! its probably one of the most dhinchak ceremonies out there! check out this review: "Best Performance nominees SRK, Salman, Hrithik, Sanjay and Abhishek. Blame us then for the strained vocal chords, coz Aitraaz star Priyanka Chopra also sizzled as did Fardeen Khan in his spooky "Bhoot Hoon Main" grand finale."

And now...pictures of indian shitty pop icons!

these paki's really light up a hookah! they are the hottest thing in bollywood right now

this is the indian version of our punk'd, only with sheep instead of people and this goofy indian guy dressed in a chef hat

here we see a 17 year old girl from india. if she just got a dot maybe she could do better than a 3.7

MTVindia, if you come across this blog... please know that i am in contact with the #1 stunna desi extreme of all time. his name is sunit, dawg. and he was a pike, dawg. (anyone else remember that thugged out emory desi?)

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

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Child Abuse

Ya right, like my bong resined mind could ever come up with enough scratch to conquer such a vast and minefield laced topic as child abuse. After watching another installment of Road Trip meets Old School meets Zoolander (aka Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story) i was reminiscing about my summer after freshman year. All my friends were in the ville, only this time we had experienced beer funnels, jager bombs, freshman punan, jappydom, etc etc. things couldnt be going better in terms of my alcoholic resistance... i could tip back a bottle of bartons charcoal filtered for at least 10 seconds straight before getting an intense buzz and a subsequent hacking gross sour face thing going on.

my summer revolved around binge drinking, trying to kick game in the ville, and of course the pleasant summer job of JCC camp counselor. now the best part about being a camp counselor is that it requires very little actual work. i mean yes you have to tell the kids what to do, where to be, play nice, and all that other shit. but its one of the best fun jobs i have ever had. i got to be in charge of sports (me! ha) and here is how the routine went. the kids would show up all fucking cracked out on add medicine and sugarhighs. there are a range of jewish kids in terms of sports... some kids are pretty badass at hand eye coordination, their parents probably tried to get them to try everything and they can hold their own in a hot game of kickball. then there are the girls who only care about looking cute and talking about secret shit that only people in their club can know. then there are the doofus jewish guys. the guys who go to ga tech in aepi. the kids who get picked on like crazy by the rich jewish kids because their parents teach them to latch onto money at a fresh young age of 8. regardless of social status, energy level, attention disorders, and all the other shit that is fucked up about american youth, there is one universal truth: the more laps they run, the harder they crash during naptime.

some days when it would rain, we would get to go play in the racquetball courts. dont worry, i didnt pelt the kids with my stunning 60 mph corner kill shot. but! we did get to play some mean games of dodgeball (and gaga). the best part about playing 8 year olds in dodgeball is that they dont have any muscle mass built up at all. i mean, they can barely hold the ball in one hand and when its coming at you at 20 mph its automatic that youre going to get them out plus bring one back in from your team. and when you pelt a little 8 year old in the ass with a dodgeball, its like a little piece of heaven to watch them fall down to the floor and walk off with their head down.

another good thing about 8 year olds and dodgeball is, its a huge bargaining chip in their eyes. dont act up or no dodgeball today. the longer you take to change the less time for dodgeball. i am going to play on the girls team if you guys dont stop fucking about. you get the idea.

now i dont know much about child abuse. i dont know what it stems from. i dont know why weirdos get off on it. but i do know this. tagging a kid in the face with a rubber ball is one of the most enjoyable feelings in the world. try it sometime. just watch out for their park ave, manolo blahnik wearing, prada bag carrying jewish soccer mom in the carpool line.... they will rip your head off and shit down your throat if you threaten their child's precious cherry hill/highland park/syosset/BLOOMFIELD HILLS ego.

little isaac is about to get dotted by the older and more coordinated abraham

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

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My Two Front Teeth

Happy Hannukka everybody! Your local atlien jew reporting in for what looks to be one hell of a miserable holiday season. I guess the good news is we wont be murdering any christian children this year and drinking their blood for our ceremonies.... our holidays are almost two weeks apart.

The misery stems from the fact that i am 24 and all my little cousins get the most badass gifts while i am stuck with the old sweater and a ball of yarn to play with. My oldest 1st cousin on my dads side is 13 (stay away you sick fucks) and she is the biggest fucking brat.... what 13 year old needs a portable dvd player with a 10" widescreen? i bet goliath is turning over in his grave after laying down to a little jewish guy.... what have we become.

Anyway, i have no fucking clue what that shit just was. The point is, if this hannukka was a free-for-all, here is what i would want.

Friday, December 03, 2004

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Counting Crows Goodness

so i am driving home on a friday when this song comes on my bose:

I get so nervous - I'm shaking
Get so I got no pride at all
It gets so bad but I just keep coming back for more
Guess I just get off on that stuff
I'm thinking about taking some time
I'm thinkin about leavin soon

I got some things I can't tell anyone
I got some things I just can't say
They're the kinda things that no one knows about
Just need somebody to talk to me
I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
Think I've been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out
I'm thinking about getting out

In all this time the bottom line's you dont know how much I feel
You say you see but I dont agree.
You dont know - dont know how I feel.

Just trying to get myself some gravity
You're just trying to get me to stay.
Sometimes I sit here looking down upon Los Angeles
Sometimes I'm floating away
Thinkin about breaking myself
I'm thinking about getting back home
I think I've been waiting way too long
I'm thinking about getting out
I'm thinking about getting out
I'm thinking about getting out

d, very d.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

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Racism at the Poker Table

Hello 9-5ers, welcome to another exciting story about poker. (kleigmo, feel free to skip this blog, as i know you and the other ladies hate poker talk) As you all well know, my hobbies revolve around tivo, xbox, nfl, ncaa, and of course the cadillac of poker: no-limit texas hold 'em. some pros won't even touch the game... but others, like doyle brunson, say its the only pure game left. at this particular game i play in there are a plethora of different races, religions, females (just one really, and she's already dinkled a kid so she's toast), and the age range is 18-50.

Yesterday one of the dealers, my main man victor voronov the russian love machine, told me he was writing his thesis about racism at the poker table-- how it doesnt exist. players of a no-limit ring game are driven by cash. how much is on the table, how much is in their stack, how much is in the pot, and how much would it take to drive the 2 schmucks down at the other end out of it. i would argue however that there is a bit of racism at every poker table.

Russians - these kids are always trying to make as much scrilla as possible by hustling, working, doing whatever it takes. the more the better, because that gives them the freedom to fuck multiple women seedily whilst visiting massage parlors. they are tight agressive and definitely a force to watch out for at my game. except for chud, he strictly plays the percentages.

Jews - lots of jews playing poker at my spot. might be my relative distance to emory. the jewish kids are the smartest kids at the table, and they have the stacks to back up their game. jewish russians are also a trendy combo that the normal kentucky jews have to watch out for.

Romanians - the romanian dudes are all married, living in suburbia and driving in to bust the younger kids at the table. one of the dudes has a cell phone camera stocked with 50 pictures of all these other romanian girls' fachinas. the weird thing about the romanians is that they have a fuckton of money, keep their wives satisfied in the shopping habits, and get to cheat on them virtually risk free, since every romanian guy keeps the other ones' secrets. very loose agressive, great for when you have the nuts.

Black people - there is a small percentage of black people who have showed up to play. i havent ever met too many great black poker players... maybe they just would rather play domino. phil ivey is clearly a different kind of black person, he is sick and scary. but only one dude comes around to play now, and he is easy to put on a hand.

WASPs - the rest of the people, the majority in most cases, is clearly a dying breed at this particular poker game. i would say the minorities hold a majority over the white people in the room, which always makes for interesting banter when the russians are speaking sputnik and white bread just wants to play some fucking cards. clearly i cant make any generalizations about white people, but you see the minority take them down all the time.

Asians - uggggh, i saved asians for last. i think any asian who steps foot into my game is not intimidating. they are clowns in atlanta, driving rice rockets just like in high school. but when i go anywhere else, i am immediately scared of ANY asian at the table. Asian women are like my nemesis. they always want to bust me. and they usually do. i dont know what it is about asians, i guess its the fact that the game is all numbers/math/percentages and they are pretty damn good at that stuff. but when i go to biloxi and that little old lady with the derby hat raises me 8 on top of my re-raise, i already know she has QQ and i am dead in the water.

One good thing about poker is that it is a worldwide phenom right now. EVERYONE is talking about texas hold em. i went home to louisville and played a .20c game and walked out with $15. my friends at home SUCK at cards. lots of people suck at cards. and that is why my dream is to move to vegas and show the tourists just how badly they suck at poker. thank you, that is all.... except for this sicky hand.
Last night, i bought in for $100, lost it, then bought in for another $100. i was up almost to even, when i dropped back down to $90. i was feeling like now or never was the move. its 1 am, i am tired and need to make a big bank or lose and peace out.

i am in the small blind. the bets go around the room and everyone is limping in for $2. there are probably 7 people in there so when it gets around to me, i raise to $12. the big blind to my left (my only friend besides katz in this game of money hungry sharks) calls. there are probably 4 people in the pot now. so the pot is: $54. flop comes and ALL of us get a big piece of it. i bet $10. wasp calls. philly calls. victor the russian goes all in for $86. i have to call. mart calls. philly folds. so now its just the three of us. pot size $318. check out the hand below to see what people were calling on. when the 1st spade came i was relieved. but if the board paired i was fucked. running spades made it like a little cherry on top. so i went from $90 to about $340 in one hand. you love it chiu, you love it.