Friday, June 25, 2004

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Gifts and Shit

Yo, thank god its friday. i only have to live at my current location for 2 more days.

So recently it was father's day... a time to tell your dad, or dads as the case may be, that you love them very much and here is a little gift to show my appreciation. Now, I am a daddys boy, mainly because my mother is kind of a big bitch, but mostly because he is a sensible guy, doesnt put unwarranted pressure on me, and overall understands most of the shit going on in my life. i got him a card this year.. i mean not like i have no money, i just think giving gifts outside the normal realm of birthday is insanity.

So I made a little list of all the different kinds of random gift giving situations i could think of.

The best thing in the whole world is called "spoils of war" gifts. Once you break up with someone you loved or were real close with, this is the shit you gained after being with her that you now have full access rights to claim as your own. Could be a birthday gift, could be clothes, could be a poker table... all you know is you didnt have it going into the relationship but you love having it coming out afterwards.

Another type of gift is called the "double whammy" gift. We all know someone who has a birthday on or right around another holiday. Like July 4th, Christmas, mothers day AND their birthday. fucking double whammy. the question is, are you supposed to double the price of one gift, give two average gifts, or give one and just say fuck it, you know you're the fucking double whammy in the group bitch.

I know there are some people out there who give gifts ANYTIME they come back from vacation, a few weeks away, the gas station.... basically they are like trinket hunters and all they do is roll around to shops and if they see anything, regardless of cost or tackiness level, purchase in the hopes of bringing a mini smile to their friend's face. Trinkets are overrated. They are the worst kind of gift because they are usually completely useless and worse, impulse buys being passed off as thoughtfulness.

I have one pro and one con for the wonderful jewish concept of gift giving. Check this out...when I was 13, i had one of the fattest bar mitzvah parties for all my goysha (and non goysha) friends. Even though my parents foot the bill, since a bar mitzvah is becoming a man, people shelled out a ton of shit to congratulate me on a job well done. $6000 in tvs, a new bed, clothes, cash, and other prizes is a fucking dream come true to a 13 year old kid. one of the highlights of my life. good work jews, i like the tradition.

But for every Yin there is a Yang and for every good jewish gift there has to be a downside. And that downside is realized in the concept of Hannukka. 8 fucking days! are you kidding?? sure its great when youre a kid... but once you have kids its like a self-sentencing of 8 presents a year for 20 years. 8 times the long lines during holiday season. 8 times per year you have to think of the things your kid wants. sounds like misery to me but i guess thats why i dont have kids yet.

Finally, Re-gifting is a concept that was made popular on the sitcom Seinfeld. It may seem far fetched, but this shit goes down ALL THE TIME. Say a tragedy were to enter into a family. Someone is sick and friends, family, community members, coworkers, etc all send gifts to wish the person well. No matter what, there are going to be some repeaters in the pile of gifts.... 8 copies of the DaVinci Code, 4 wheels of cheese, 23 candles, and of course an overwhelming amount of product from bed bath and beyond. Of course you dont need all this, so you figure you take it to the store and return it for credit when you need a refill on your apricot mango aloe vera vitamin D ball scrub. Seems sensible--but some families out there just re-gift the shit that someone gave you to someone else. Its tasteless and morally objectionable and i love it.

Have a good weekend! See you on Monday.

oh and ps-- if you havent gotten your ass pounding for the day, you might want to head out to this little festival happening in atl.


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