Monday, December 20, 2004

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Underground ATL

Well, there is a new corporate monster coming to town. Now i know all the older readers of the blog think i am some kinda of cynical schmuck with a penchant for hating big devilish companies like AOL, Time Warner, Ted Turner, Blockbuster, TWA Flight 404, Whole Foods, etc. I will say that because of my stupendous thrashing and bashing of blockbuster, they recently took away all late fees.... once again i am torn between selling out my morals or sticking with my gut. i guess it doesnt matter since i have burned 300 movies and am pretty much done with the collection. take that! you fucking interpol you!

OK, back to the main rant. So the areas of interest in ATL to any tourists coming in for the holidays are as follows.
Buckhead - very hip hop. pretty much unsafe due to gunshot wounds at any point. used to be the spot but doors close at 2 am and all the white bars are pretty much closed down, except for fado fado, the last bastion of cracker whiteydom in buckhead.
Midtown - pretty much gay. not like the 4th grade use of the term.... more like fun boys literally line the streets from sunup to sundown.
Virginia Highlands - my cup of tea. plus i live within stumbling distance.
L5P - alternative scene, good for shopping and has 3 pubs and a concert venue.
East Atlanta - even more alternative than L5P. worth looking into if youre coming from the seattle area.
Cheshire Bridge Road - the devils alley located between midtown and buckhead. dildos, beads, peep shows, nasty georgia hooches. strip clubs in atl dont ever close, 365 a year.

Notice that one area of town failed to make the list. And do you know why it failed to make the list? Because NO ONE FUCKING GOES THERE! the area i am talking about, of course, is Underground Atlanta. now when i was a little 10 year old and the braves were about to start their long line of 13 divisional championships in a row (minus that 1 year for no baseball), i came to atlanta and checked out the tourist spots. underground atlanta reminded me of a shitty mall that no one went to. (like the galleria back home) half the shops were open. no good eats. generally unsafe to walk around in with your starter jacket or your zubaz tiger print pants.

Anyway, the city of Atlanta decided recently that since the downtown area is being redeveloped at a rapid pace, the best way to bring in millions of tourist dollars was to redevelop the epicenter of historic strife for this city. (Atlanta has burned down several times, underground atlanta has outlasted a long line of yankees coming through) I just read this article about the guy in charge of development pushing for legalized gambling in atlanta... FUCK! now i cant bash this as well....

Basically, this guy O'Leary is going to petition the local gov to make every other bar area in town close their doors at ridiculously early hours. while we are huddled in pubs that are on the brink of extinction, there will be no open container law AND the taps dont stop until 4 am in underground. seems like a pretty good plan, except for one thing.... look at the bars that will be filling up the empty slots:
The Future - a high energy dance club (which i heard on the radio has S&M themes)
The Alley Cat - rock and roll restaurant and bar
Latin Sol - salsa club with largest dance floor in atl
Island Oasis - jimmy buffett margaritaville hippy surfer dude bullshit. there is nothing lamer than a 50 year old man singing about tequila sunrises 30 years past his prime. (and his last name starts with a fucking B!)
Charlie Brown's Cabaret - las vegas themed shows and bars?
Koco's Latin Restaurant and Bar - didnt we see this the first time when it was Latin Sol?
Jamaica Jamaica - reggae, conch, and of course absolutely no tie to jamaica whatsoever.
Irish Bred - irish pub

Themed bars are a fucking joke in any town you visit. Louisville just did this exact same thing with 4th Street Live and I would sooner shoot myself in the face than return to the strip mall delights of trashy girls and sketchy out-of-towners all up in my pubspace. I guess i will probably give underground atl a looksy when i return from the best coast, but let the record show that i am anti and the only way there will ever be any success is if there are no shootings and white people can actually go to the places. which there will and wont be, respectively. so why even bother. and now, stunning pictures of this weekends overtime win at the Dome.

on 4th and goal(!), mike vick dashed for 12 yards and suspended himself 2 inches off the ground as he dove in for the touchdown. they would win by a field goal in OT.


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