Tuesday, August 31, 2004

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Good Chinese Food (?)

According to jappy tri-state area clowns, atlanta has the worst chinese food. Apparently in new york and jersey, the chinese people are from a total different part of china than all the other states.

i have been to nyc, i have tasted the goods... i pretty much have come to the conclusion that there is no discernible difference between chinese food anywhere in our country. hunan dragon I-IV, chin chin, red pepper, emperor of china, golden buddha, dim sum, sum yun guy, miso soup, its all the fucking same shit. sure you have places that use grade c- meat of stray dogs to fill their eggrolls. and ya, some fortune cookies are stale and others are crispy. some even hold baby corn ass stuffing competitions to see whose anal cavity can hold the most of those sweet little wonders. but all in all, chinese food is chinese food is chinese food.

i will say that my favorite chinese food is hands down PF Changs... now i know its a chain and its not exactly f.o.b., but pf changs throws down in the international arena of chinese cuisine.

also, chiu's dad cooks up a mean pot of chicken fried rice. its perhaps the best ive ever had.

the plate to the left comes from the internet chinese cafe. the plate on the right comes from miami, fl. its all pepper steak to me! and speaking of florida, why is there so much chinese buffet in retirement communities there? i feel like the msg would fuck up their heads.

this blog is short and completely uninspired by anything whatsoever, except that i had some really shitty chinese food or something last night and now i feel like rexing it up and skipping lunch. and now, funny chinese shit.

Monday, August 30, 2004

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Funny Pics

(2 posts today, monday)

horny much?

taco taco

99 Problems But a Bitch Aint One

so this week i was heavily involved in the most frattastic weekend i have had since i graduated. our old fratty had alumni weekend and i was at emorys campus for way too fucking long this weekend. i have this general theory about why emory girls are looking better and better despite the fact that the academic standards are going higher and higher. like when i was at emory, there were plenty of hot girls... but it just is not the same as it is now. emory is flooded with hot girls. gorgeous blondes. ridiculous jewish girls even... what could have possibly changed this culture since everyone is apparently getting smarter and smarter? clairemont pool. i have this weird conspiracy theory that now there is an outdoor pool at emory, where all these bitches have to go and look amazing in a bikini as they lounge with the fratties and laugh about the most idiotic shit. before girls could get away with throwing on sweatpants all weekend long... now its a mad dash for seats at the pool to be the center of attention for all the dooshy jewish guys. anyway, thats just what i think...could be wrong.

i spent an unreasonable amount of time at neighbors this weekend as well. i think i went thursday, friday, and saturday to do the same shit each time. do a few laps, find a table, get hammered, walk home. the worst fucking thing in the whole world is to be cornered at a bar by ex-girlfriends. not to get too much into details, but there were an overwhelming amount of ex's at neighbors all weekend long. i guess i could see it coming... i mean everyone was in town so by default everyone wants to see everyone again. but whatever happened to just doing lunch? at one point my buddy bailey got cornered and had to talk to his old lady for like 3 hours... we closed out a bar and they were still talking about the dumbest post-3-years-breakup-shit-ever.

while we were at neighbors, we also managed to play a nice poker game. i played poker this week on wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, and sunday nights. total profit: $401. on wednesday i played no-limit texas and won this nice tourney for about 90. saturday night was my biggest win... somehow i rolled out +100 at an illegal game in the middle of a bar. overall i was just catching some sweet cards, bluffing at the right times, and obviously a ton of lucky drawing out on certain hands to win. good luck! people always insist on calling it luck.... its not about luck in my game.

so the reason for the title of this page is to talk about one person i would love to take down at the card table. we all have one or two as poker players. in rounders, matt damon took down johnny chan the man. for most poker players, phil hellmuth is a huge target for attempting to take a pro down. doyle brunson, amarillo slim, phil ivey, sammy farha, chris moneymaker, howard lederer... everyone has their someone they just want to bust in a card game. these guys of course make most of their money from rich jackasses who think they can bust a pro... pros seek out the opportunities to relieve idiots of their money. i mean bottom line, a game is a game is a game... why throw personal vendetta into the mix? but were all human, so we all wanna take down one mother fucker. and my mother fucker is annie duke.

annie duke is seen above giving advice to her protege Ben Affleck

Annie Duke is a woman poker player. she has absolutely no fear of men at the poker table; i think she kinda gets off on that part. like when there was a lady's night WPT event, annie duke hustled it out with the men in an omaha hi-lo game instead, insisting that she is just as equal as a man and has no reason to play in a ladies only event. thats great. i even think women have a slight advantage over men because a womans charm can never be underestimated even at a poker table. but annie duke is not a charmer. to me, she would just be another fucking mark to take down at the table. (white trash for some reason has never really done it for me) i know she uses her cunning and flirty nature to like dup men into believing weak is weak and strong is strong, but i can see right through this ridiculousness. i need to move to fucking vegas for a year. take this chicken out of the game. how badass would that be to bankrupt a woman card player with a stay-at-home husband and 4 kids? its not sick! its optimism.

and no, the hollywood secret was not the clerks sequel. its even spicier.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

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August and Everything After

So i went to qt this morning to get some of those things that you need for the weekend drinking binge fest and a 49c drinky. Dont you hate it when you are in line at a place like qt and some jagoff is taking way too much time at the front counter. its like, buddy... qt is the fastest gas station in town... if you need to go grocery shopping at a place like this, take it down the street to Dimple and Ashok's mini mart mother fucker. the kid seemed cool, he apologized to us for taking so long. but then instead of cash he had a fucking check written to: cash. so then id was checked, yadda yadda, it was way lame. get a fucking debit card killer. to top it off, i get into my car, pull a reverse move real quick and he was like inching up ahead of me trying to get around me at the gas station. so i floor it and he floors it and he kinda swings wide and cuts back in. mother fucker! you cant cut people off if they beat you pulling out of a spot... but then i saw this weezer sticker and jersey plates so i figured he just didnt know any better.

So lets discuss olympics. and by lets i mean me, you can comment. i had to bail myself out of cube jail yesterday to watch the us womens soccer gold match. it was apparently a great first half, the us went up at 32 minutes or something. i caught the whole 2nd half and saw brazil tie it up 1-1. then there were 2 15-minute overtimes and the US had this sick corner kick header to win it 2-1. it wasnt as awesome as the brandi chastain titty incident, but it was cool to see mia hamm go out with the bling. i think mia hamm is a pretty hot milf. just dump your loser husband and we can talk. nomaaaaaaaaa. My morals tell me not to ditch work to watch our US dream team play their non-paycheck gaming hearts out... but i wanna see it pretty bad. then theres a gold soccer match on tonight at 3 am. womens basketball gold at 9 am tomorrow. mens gold at noon.

I found out one of those hot secrets from hollywood last night. its like one of those secrets thats so secret but so good, you dont know whether to tell the world aka the internet, or just to keep your fucking mouth shut and know deep down that when it comes out you knew all along. a movie is being made that anyone who reads this bloggy is going to see... but its so early in the stages that its just an idea that has been signed... no script, no money yet, etc. its just one of those random things that like one person posts to the internet and EVERYONE catches on to the buzz. the only question i have is, what the fuck is the internet?

Today the Black Eyed Peas announced they would be partnering with EA to make 'The Urbz: Sims in the City' video game. a bunch of automatons living in a virtual ghetto trying to get street credit by hustling hoes, blinging up their crew, networking on the corners, etc. I wonder if you just throw 1000 sims on one block where they each have about 8x10 pixel-size rooms, no hot water, chicken and kool aid for dinner, and are surrounded by gunshots, crime, and poverty, do they band together to rebuild the neighborhood or do they just turn white and move out to the burbs like OJ simpson?

Braves Update: still expanding their lead. the braves havent dropped a series since June 22-24, when they dropped 1-2 against the marlins. unfortunately they lost one to St. Louis, 1st in NL Central, 1-2. Pujols and his crew are just really fucking good ballers.... and the only thing that matters is whether the Braves can pull off playoff wins...its been awhile for the braves, there's a chance but who knows. i was there for the 10-4 loss. it sucked. a foul ball hit a buddy of mine's fingertips but he had a brew in his hand and didnt know what to do... he is still pissed to this day. despite whatever happens, the braves are just a monster in the hitting department. 222 hits in 20 games? thats right boys and girls, thats 11 hits a night on average... pretty exciting stuff.

8/5/04at Houston116W
8/6/04at Arizona104W
8/7/04at Arizona106W
8/8/04at Arizona1511W
8/13/04St. Louis31L
8/14/04St. Louis159W
8/15/04St. Louis104L
8/16/04at San Diego75W
8/17/04at San Diego86L
8/18/04at San Diego156W
8/19/04at LA86W
8/20/04at LA102L
8/21/04at LA134L
8/22/04at LA1910W

Today is payday friday, and i already know i am going to do some serious damage to the credit card. All the old frat buddies are in town for alumni weekend and raphael 'superpromoter' ruland is stirring up plans for all night soirees of alcohol, mj, poker, dancing, fucking wreckless other things. are you still allowed to go on 2-day bingers if you graduated from college? i guess thats the point of having alumni weekend in the first place...

Hey yo emory, toco hills strip mall called and they want their patrons back. i feel like when i go out now in my neighborhood, its being invaded by little campers who snuck out from their cabins at sleepaway camp.

Have a great weekend. Louisville Labor Day appearance is officially scheduled: 9/3/04-9/7/04. i just hope cooksey has a few skirts lined up... otherwise ive gotta go to the vu for my poonan. je qui.

My Ode to Wanda Sykes

Women stand-up comedians are not funny. Janean Garafolo, not funny. Whoopie Goldberg, only funny with billy crystal and robin williams. kathy griffin, could you be any more obnoxious? cheri o'teri... well actually youre really funny, but ive never seen your stand up. But right now, wanda takes the crown.

Wanda Sykes is fast becoming the most paid most face-time comedian on tv. She has already had a few HBO specials and has a new series on the best channel known to man.
- She hosts a comic stand-up show called premium blend.
- She is covering celebrity interviews on HBO 'Inside the NFL' which is always a good recap of the week in sports.
- She crank calls people as the 'angry black chick' on Crank Yankers
- She has a new book out
- She was on Celebrity Poker Showdown
- She has a new one hour stand-up routine
- She guest stars a lot on Curb Your Enthusiasm as Cheryls black chick friend

Wanda Sykes is fucking hilarious on curb. my favorite wanda episode is definitely the one with crazy eyes killa, her new boyfriend/rap mogul. larry and he become niggaz until larry finds out crazy eyes is cheating on wanda. he tells his wife despite the fact that crazy eyes killa is in fact a crazy eyed killer. of course the wife tells wanda, and wanda kicks his ass out of the house. then crazy comes after larry...funny ass episode.

the other funny one is when larry is mistakenly caught twice by wanda as being a racist.
(he accidentally handed his keys to a black guy standing right by the valet sign)

Guy leaves… After he vanishes out of shot, we see Wanda standing a few feet in the background, arms crossed, focussing Larry. He sees her, and waves weakly. Wanda walks towards him.

Wanda: So, you automatically think the black man is the valet guy!
LD: No, no I don’t automa….
Wanda: Yes, you did, I saw it.
LD: He’s standing by the valet…
Wanda: Get my car, boy.
LD: He…
Wanda: I saw it, Larry!
LD: He had on a white shirt, a red tie and a vest, he’s standing by the valet sign… it’s an honest mistake!
Wanda: Oh, oh yeah, that’s honest! Anytime I see a black man in a tie and a suit I say: ‘Hey, you must park cars for a living!’
LD: I feel it was an honest mistake.
Wanda: No, no…maybe if it was a white man standing here, then you would not…
LD: I would have given him the valet ticket.
Wanda: You would not…
LD: I would too!
Wanda: No, you would have asked him…
LD: I would too!
Wanda: …not!
LD: Too!
Wanda: Not! You would have asked him for a stock tip...or... It is all you… where are you going?

then it happened again:

Scene: In front of hospital. Larry exits the car. He is singing. When he is walking towards the entrance, a black guy in casual clothes passes him by. Larry then turns around and turns his car-alarm on with his infrared-key. The car makes the typical beep. Suddenly, the black guy turns around...

BlackGuy: Think I’m gonna steal your car?
LD: No, no, I just forgot to, to put the alarm on…. It’s not you! No race thing! No, no race thing!
Black guy: Asshole! [He continues walking]
LD: No, I don’t even need the alarm on. Look! I turn it off [turns alarm off]. Look!
Black Guy continues his way. Again, Wanda is in the background and stares at Larry. She walks to him.
Wanda: There again, huh? So what? The black man and a suit parks cars; black man, no suit he gonna steal your car!
LD: What is it? I can’t do anything in the city without you watching me, following me?
Wanda: I told you I ‘m shooting here all week.
LD: He just happened to be there when I turned around to put the alarm on! That’s not my fault!
Wanda: You saw the black man; you just thought "let me lock my car". You put the alarm on. The black man made you go "Let me lock my car!"
LD: I just, I just haven’t done it yet, that’s all.
Wanda: And do you think a black man would want that piece of shit?
LD: Piece of shit? How dare you? Piece of shit...
Wanda: Yeah, have a look! It’s a toy car. No black man wanna toy car, a black man want a get up and go!
LD: I didn’t think the black man wanted the car.
Wanda: So look. Did aaah, did you hear back from Martin about my script?
LD: Yeah!
Wanda: And? [Larry shrugs]. What?
LD: Sorry to say! Didn’t like it! It happens!
Wanda: Well, did you tell him I was black?
LD: No!
Wanda: Why didn’t you tell him I was black?
LD: I don’t know! Why should I?
Wanda: It makes a big difference! Larry, you don’t know when to play the card! You know, white guys, they love this shit. Well "Oh, look at me, I’m liberal! Helping a black person." You should know better. That’s when you tell somebody they’re black.
LD: Alright, I’ll tell him you’re black., okay? Fine.
Wanda: Tell him, I’m like a brown skin black, not black skin. Make sure I am not real black...[Larry walks away]
LD: Hope, I don’t see you for a while! Getting sick of you!
Wanda: Take your sick ass into hospital.

Anyway, Wanda Sykes you are the funniest woman out there. My #2 is of course the cutest little Jewish firecracker who has a lot of run-ins with wanda out there on the comedy circuit. mmmm, sarah silverman. want to touch the heiny. how can i get a fucking date with this girl?!?

---------------> and now, lots of unnecessary pictures

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

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1990's represent

Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, and Bananarama. These people defined their generations through their music, interviews, lifestyles, and hair spray fetishes. But havent you ever wondered who will still be played on classic rock radio when our kids are listening to '90s rock'? Well, I tried to make a little list. These are probably the best bands of our generation (so far) and our window of opportunity is closing quickly.... i just feel privilieged to be old enough not to have to list britney spears, creed, sum 41 or any of the other crap coming out now.

Red Hot Chili Peppers
Although they had several albums out in the late 80s, the popularity of this group took off in 1991 with the release of the Blood Sugar Sex Magik. Under the Bridge was like a defining moment in 90s rock history... everyone listened to it at camp that summer. They have put out several hit albums since then... one hot minute, californication. Plus they were on the playlist for the 2nd Lollapalooza tour, which is basically a mark of 90's rock icon status. i remember flea and anthony even had a cameo in this charlie sheen movie, cast as the punk rocker dudes who throw their bigfoot into a high speed police chase. also i went to one concert as a little 16 year old and i remember flea donning his infamous 'pink sock' and anthony keidis standing on a speaker giving his 'red eye' shot to the audience. i guess thats deemed not as important as janet jacksons titty.

Green Day
When I was in 9th grade, this band blew up the scene at my school pretty hardcore. There were two kinds of green day fans back then... the ones who just listened to it, and the ones who worshipped the ground that billy walked on. billy this, billy that. jesus christ man, be yourself. anyway these guys had a lot of hits and of course the Dookie album is clutch in everyones collection. they played lolla '94, which was a big year for them... but even now green day is all up in the radio airplay time.

Beastie Boys
Even though their first big hit album came out in 1986, no way the 80s can claim the beastie boys... this band is a 90s shoe-in. Check Your Head in 92, Ill Communication in 94. I think that was my favorite beastie album... i knew all the lyrics and it was on constant rotation in my stereo. These 3 jewish boys from brooklyn made the world more aware of the Tibetan Freedom fight than any band i can think of... that was a cool cause to be behind. Even though their newer stuff isnt as fresh as it was back in the 90s, they still throw together some badass mixing and hiphop thats totally original... no rhyming about just bitches and hos.

Smashing Pumpkins
I am obviously talking about the 90s pumpkins... not so much that last album the freakshow put out. Siamese Dream has to be a CD that everyone who knows anything about tunes has in their collection. plus melon collie and gish and that boxed set thing, all very tight albums. its amazing what you can find on the internet... i saw them on 4/13/04 at louisville gardens, no setlist on the site. Anyway, i dont have much to say. these guys are good.

Dave Matthews Band
oooh, controversial band on the list of 1990s represent. music fans love to hate this band because they symbolize middle class white people who are being force fed music from record labels. but, even though i dont listen to it daily like i did at one point in my life, the dave matthews band is definitely an influential band from our generation. before dmb, i didnt even know you could throw a bass, a guitar, a sax, and a violin into the same song to make some sweet ass tunes. plus dave influences my dancing habits... i have the leg kick and moonwalk in place thing down to a science. i remember i had to BEG people to come with me to lex in 9th grade to see this show...fuckin akin. and it was a damn good show... i have probably seen them 4 or 5 times since.

This band never makes any lists... i guess because they play purely for their fans and not for mtv. that is probably my favorite thing about their attitude... like we dont have to sell our shit to anyone, it sells itself. Besides Trey being one of the most talented guitarists of our lifespan, this quintessential jam band has one of the biggest followings of any band today. Oh wait, they just broke up... but it doesnt matter, phish will always be part of our generation. Favorite songs: Fee, Bouncing Round the Room, Down with Disease, Waste, and Heavy Things.

Its pretty hard to put this band on the list for me.... i know they were influential in the scene and i obviously still listen to them... it just sucks that we got a small piece of what they were capable of. but nirvana is still on heavy rotation on the radio here... and why shouldnt it be, nirvana played some dank ass tunes. i think personally i like the unplugged album the best, and that might be blasphemous, but damn that was a sick album. what else can i say... nothing graceful, so i will just cut it short. nirvana will always be remembered by our age group...its just one of those classic bands.

Pearl Jam
I think that because Kurt Cobain didnt really get to expand his musical releases, this band should probably be voted for best all time band of the 90s generation. Eddie Vetter had so many good albums, so many good tunes, so many good lyrics.... everyone i know has some pearl jam cd in their collection. I have seen this band 6 times and they threw a great fucking show every time. mixing classics with new shit, it all sounded so good. Vitalogy could have probably been left behind on the short bus.... but Ten, Alive... you cant match those albums with anything.


Other bands that are deserving but i dont have tons of shit to say about them:
- Beck
- Black crowes
- Weezer
- Metallica
- U2

Bands that coulda shoulda woulda, but arent for obvious reasons
- 311
- Sublime
- Blind Melon

If I left any off, please do tell... i know how music sparks controversy on my blogger.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

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Bad Boys, Bad Boys Whatcha Gonna Do

Sooooo lets talk about cops for a little bit today. Not the hit show where white trash gets chased around their trailer homes and portable swimming pools. Not the best now-in-its-2nd-season show on comedy central. Real, live cops.

I have had some run-ins with cops. now i know they arent going to sound as cool as a lot of your friends' stories, but thats mainly because i grew up in middle america and was sheltered from shit until deep into high school. high school, no wonder they call it that. so my first real cop story takes place back, back, back.... i was probably 14 or so. summer '94. i was on a teen tour of the west coast and remember going into it thinking 'i refuse to make friends with any japs this summer.' thank god i stuck to my guns because i became friends with the queens/brooklyn kids instead.... they were much more entertaining and heady about life. so we go to yellowstone park and after exploring we found this huge bridge overlooking a deep river thing below. kids, adults, people were bridge jumping off this thing and it looked like a hella good time. a bunch of us jumped a few times and ya know, the day ended. the next day, me and just 1 other buddy went back there to do it one more time before we left. so im up there and for some reason today, it looks a lot further than yesterday.... i am standing up there for like 5 minutes and then finally, i jump. as i am crashing down below, i hear whistles coming from all over the place. when i peek my head up from the water, there are cops swarming my vector. oh shit. i done fucked up. this cop was asking me all kinds of questions... i knew i had to lie to the guy, otherwise i would get kicked off this fucking teen tour. so i told him my parents were off hiking somewhere and i was stuck all day swimming. they asked my name, i gave them a fake name. they wrote me a ticket to my fake name, and it was for $25. to a 14 year old on a teen tour, $25 was like a weeks worth. somehow i lied my ass off convincingly enough to the police guy to get the fuck out of there without them following me back to my campsite, where 6 counselors anxiously awaited. from that point on, i knew i could bluff pretty well. to sum it up, i had to figure out a way to get a money order, a stamp, an envelope all while on a tour on a bus without anyone finding out. fun shit.

my next run-in was when i was 19. summer after freshman year at college... so now i officially knew how to drink a lot and party pretty hardcore. since no one else in the entire city of louisville's parents were cool, i hosted a back-to-college party to close out the summer. lots of people showed, lots of people got hammered. someone brought a funnel and of course i was like frank the tank on that bad boy. i remember josh york was like, busby can do 4 beers in this puppy. so they filled 4 beers and busby just downed it. i knew i could do 4, but for some reason my penis got in the way and i had to one-up this chump. so i tell chiu, yo i am gonna do 4 beers and a shot to top it off. so what shot do i choose? absolut mandarin. i step up, and the 4 beers go down like water... no problem.... but then, out of nowhere, a sharp spike of orange vodka caught the back of my throat and left the worst feeling in there..... 4 + 1 down, short dash to the grass, 4+1 straight back up. it was like a fucking hose that you bend to make shoot out projectile style. so later that night, we are on the lawn... i mean the party had yet to be busted and everyone was in back, hardly any noise. 6 of us were saying goodbye to our friend when a cop rolled up the street and stopped. my friend cash had a beer can in his hand, the only one who had anything. he chucks it but obviously too late... the cop asks whose house it is. its mine, sir. he proceeds to take our id's and gets back in his car... then my father rolls up. he goes into the garage and after seeing the cop, proceeds to clean all the beer cans up from inside... clutch move on pop's part. the cop sees him and says why dont we go have a little talk with your dad. there's nothing more buzzkill than being totally wasted with your dad and a cop in the room. the cop is lecturing me on all this shit, but i am so fucked up i am just like smiling and nodding my head and blurting out ridiculous responses.... i was like putting my arm around him trying to argue that since i wasnt driving, wasnt it ok for me to be drinking? i go to college, people drink all the time....at least i wasnt on the road.... obviously the cop was not cool with this. he wrote me and cash a ticket and we had a court date. to make a long story short (or is it even worth it at this point) i had to call in a favor for my uncle to represent me and cash. we werent even in the ville when our trial thing happened.... but i got a phone call that i had to do 10 hours of community service and cash had to do 5-- different judges. so the only reason it all happened in the first place was because cash had a beer, my uncle was the one who did the favor, and i got twice as much shit to do as he did!! fuck that shit, the justice system today is so fucked. :)

finally, i would like to save the best for last. this might be a repeat to some of you, but its still a good one. so me and my buddy opdyke were on a road trip back up to boston to move all his emory shit back after we graduated. summer '02. we grab a uhaul and my plan is to drive up and his parents would fly me back down... we were going to stop to visit people along the way, party it up, and move on towards boston. thinking that we could cover miles like a normal car, we figure we would get to connecticut the 1st night. haha, ya right. driving the uhaul was like fighting a hurricane with a yacht.... this thing got its swerve on. so we realize DC is our first stop and we would probably get there around 9ish... we call up JJ an old buddy and sure enough there is a big party and a bunch of our friends are all going. he gives us directions... highway to pentagon north exit, go over the key bridge, left on blah blah, right into adams morgan neighborhood. so we get into DC in our uhaul truck at around 9:30 pm on a friday night. we take the pentagon south exit and after making a little offramp turn, we realize we are kinda in the parking lot of the pentagon building...central DC. its dark but pretty empty so we kinda roll through this stop sign.... out of nowhere theres cop lights behind us, to the side of us, in front of us cutting us off.... an army jeep with machine guns on top pulls up right to the uhaul. oh. shit! so the army dude goes: roll down your windows and put your hands on the dashboard. done and done. he comes to the window and says: i am going to open these doors, then you are going to get out and follow me. ok.... he says put your hands on the hood of the cruiser. then they go fishing for our IDs. so, what are you two doing at 10 at night driving through the back of the pentagon in a uhaul? (remember, a uhaul was the reason for oklahoma city AND it was less than a year after 9/11) opdyke, ready to piss his pants, is like we are just driving through to visit friends. where are you coming from? we are coming from atlanta... we went to school there. these licenses say kentucky and massachussetes. ya thats where we're from originally. they were holding fucking ak-47s at us during the inquiry... it was really really fucked up. then they ask do you have any guns, knives, bombs, drugs, weapons, anything in the truck? nope, just a bunch of my shit from college. we are going to have to inspect the vehicle...are you sure theres nothing in here you dont want us to find? we're sure sir. anyway, they realized we really were americans and we really were just lost in a uhaul at the pentagon.... so after going through all his luggage, stereo equipment, front seat, dash, under the hood, etc.... they had police escorts take us directly to adams morgan. every 15 feet was another cop radioing ahead to the next one the entire trip out. opdyke had made the call before we left to not get pot, thank christ. despite our fear of being held in jail for being suspected terrorists, we got out of there pretty early and still made it to the party with plenty of time to spare. obviously in DC, our story got us lots of beer and a little puntang... they love their gossip in that town.

juicy? now you go....

Monday, August 23, 2004

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The Shoobed out version: Best of Atlanta

After reading all these ridiculous lists of the best in atlanta, i couldnt stand most of the choices. Plus its monday, and i dont have shit to talk about because my head is clogged with bong resin and madden 2005. so without further ado, here is my version of the best shit in atlanta. feel free to add on any additional funny ones.

best wings - i know that dugan's is in the mix, but considering i am a 24 year old white guy who doesnt ride a motorcycle... moes and joes hands down has the best (and cheap) wings in atl. hot is hot. extra crispy is the shizzl.
best free poker - famous sports palace, toco hills shopping center. $3 jack and cokes. and the finest WT youll ever see.
best jewish bar - neighbor's thursday nights. its like the 2nd coming of the exodus
best jewish apartment complex - if you are a jew and you talk to other jews about moving to atlanta, hands down the first recommendation is to live at 'Post'. Even though there are probably 20 posts, everyone knows which post i am talking about. Post-Emory-Still-Hanging-Around-Trying-To-Work-And-Play-With-Jews apartments.
best swimming pool - The Metropolis, midtown. the pool is enormo, and very hot baywatch-esque profiles walkin around. it sits on the 7th floor so there is maximum sun. just watch your cornhole, bud.
best fireworks - stoned mountain. fireworks every weekend, huge fest on july 4th.
best concert venue - this is tough, since there are so many... but variety playhouse, L5P has a good setup, mostly good bands, and a nice outside smoke lounge.
best movie theater - there are some pretty good places in town for movies, ranging from upscale to drive-in. but the best one has to be bling-bling mall movie theater (North Dekalb mall). big cushy seats, no line at credit card ticket station. as long as youre not seeing an urban comedy, the theater will never sell out.
best waho - clearly this is debateable, but i think the best waho is the one by club opus one. there is always action... and by action i mean freak show while you eat.
best strip club - pink pony. cheetah is just too expensive for the same blonde landing strip.
best on tap - Taco Mac has the most variety of beers at a bar i have ever seen.
best sports team - dare i say the Braves are our best sports team? i guess it doesnt matter since the Ted owns one half and Arthur Blank owns the other. i would love to see these guys on celebrity deathmatch.
best local celebrity - Evander Holyfield (well Elton John, but i cant say that out loud)
best local rap group - Outkast
best bar where you dont have to see who youre talking to - Dark Horse Tavern (has also taken the title in 2003 for best meat market)
best meat market - East Andrews
best place to see khaki shorts w/polos and 'stunna' UGA blondes - tie between Loco's and moondogs
best after date but dont want to end the date dessert stop - Cafe Intermezzo, midtown
best underrated chill spot - The Righteous Room, off ponce... very deep and tasty jack and cokes.
best lanes - bling bling lanes, cheshire. just be careful of gay night on mondays... like dont plan a 'beater bowling night on the same day.
best white russian - famous sports palace. tall, and make it a double!
best margarita - before it shut down, Gecko in highlands was the best. now its gotta be los loros, mexican style.
best free beer - Sweetwater 420 tour. yummy.
best place to grab a double ended dildo - starship, cheshire. or inserection, also cheshire.
best comedy club - dad's garage is lame...those guys get more n.f. the more i see them. i have to go with The Punchline
best pool table - Twains, decatur. the tables are regulation size. the cues arent all fucked up. and you can smoke or non-smoke. and they have a sick game of skeeball.
best bathroom to get your pant cuffs soaked with urinal discharge - tossup between moes and joes and neighbors
best place to catch some fifa gooooooooooool - Brewhouse Cafe, L5P
best bar to spend a fuckton of money for no reason while never talking to any girls/guys - Balls in Hand (aka Hand in Hand)
best sushi for under $10 - RuSans has a great lunch special... all you can eat.
best place for a sweaty cuban to hit on you - Havana Club, buckhead.. also have dank cigars
best head shop - 42 degrees (get it?), L5P. cheaper prices, quality gear, major headdies running the store.
best everyday pizza - Mellow Mush, preferably emory location
best late night pizza - Ray's, Buckhead
best ice cream - Jake's, right by deeph central.
best dartboard - Atkins Park, highlands.
best sandwich - Eatzi's. I think this place might have the best sandwich on earth....
best place to MILF hunt - Highland Tap
best oysters on the half shell - Fontaines, highlands.
best burger in the highlands - Highland Tap
best burger in L5P - Vortex
best saki bombing locale - Nickiemotos, midtown
best bookstore to see familiar faces - Borders books, off ponce.
best place to get into a fight with crazy brazilian men - Loca Luna, midtown.
best place to dance your ass off on a weekday - Tuesdays at Star Bar, L5P

Friday, August 20, 2004

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Burrito Wars

The city is a gastrointestinal wasteland... after years of fighting what some have called the 'Great Burrito Wars of 2002', chain restaurants who boast california style whole grain cilantro chipotle chicken burritos disgrace our fine town; the original landmark of 50% health inspection passing independent burrito experts is no longer in existence.

RIP Tortillas (1984-2003)

Whenever I pass the vacant lot on ponce, a little tear rolls down my cheek. so many memories. i even remember my very first.... what a doozy. i just remember the first words of advice were: dont order any beef here. from then on, chicken burrito light light beans extra rice extra cheese was a staple in my sunday-hangover/crappy-ray-food/any-excuse-to-get-full one stop shop for burritos. whether you opted for the green or the red sauce was entirely your right... as long as you drowned it in whatever choice you made. for $5 you could get a huge burrito, a drink, and chips that would make Emeril Lagasse drool. if you were new in town, you were inducted maybe 2-3 times before you had the chance to say 'dude, lets do something other than torts tonight.' if you came back to visit atl, usually you were carting 4 or 5 with you on the plane ride home.
(article 1 article 2 article 3)

So, with the absolute best out of the market, what caused this whole war? who were the other parties involved in the demise of torts? what can replace torts, if anything?

in order to answer these investigative questions, we turn to the bastard burrito-spawn of satan... the first chain restaurant to flood the atlanta market and really fuck things up for people who didnt even realize they were being proper fucked. Willy's. Willy's burst into the scene like a blitzkreig, opening up shop in hot spots all over intown and OTP. Of course with a .3 mile journey to willys vs. 2.2, freshmen turned to the wrong 'hand that feeds them' and made willy's a huge success. the rice is mid grade. the salsa is low grade. extras cost way extra. and entrees cost 20% more. the only authentic thing about willy's was that a ton of mexican people work there. there are now 14 willy's in the metro atl area.... and i boycott every one.

trust me, it looks a lot better there than it tastes in real life. unfortunately, willy's was not the nail in the coffin for Tort's. A bigger, more expansive, and far more obnoxious chain saw the success of willy's and decided to get a piece of the action. Welcome to Moe's!! fucking cheeseballs... who's loco idea was it to have the staff say that to every single person who walks in the door? i feel like punching some of these bitches when i roll in there. moe's was definitely a better alternative to willy's, the fucking scum of burrito chains. but it still lacked the fulfilling and tasty part of the burrito business that tortillas had perfected. the meat is better and healthier, but the inside of the restaurant makes me want to hit myself over the head with a tack hammer many times.

The runner-up for best replacement for Torts probably goes to Chipotle. Now I know its run by the dodgiest fast food chain mc d's, but chipotle is a pretty damn good burrito. the key is to hire semi-attractive mexican cashiers while also providing many different styles of sauce. their hot sauce is among the best red sauce in town. the problem here is that they just copycat the other two schwag chains... steaming burritos is crap compared to throwing them on the grill and getting them piping hot and slightly crispy. also, who charges for chips in the burrito wars? fucking LAME!

Hands down the best alternative burrito joint is Qdoba. Heaping portions of meat. Legitimate mexican workers. Good red sauce. Good chips. Good locale. If i never knew of the existence of Torts, this place would probably be my burrito to compare all other burritos to. As it stands, this one is the closest thing i can find to true torts style.


If you are looking for better independent stores, here are the best:
- Burrito Art - more expensive but they do burritos very well
- Raging Burrito - huge menu, pretty good price, overall good alternate
- El Myr - best resemblance to torts; also suffering from chain burrito war

Check out this 'Best Of' list for atlanta.... blasphemy!

So in summary: fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. youre cool. and fuck you!..... i'm out.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

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Small Chronic Break

Yo, for some reason at work today i have actual work to do. Like a deadline and everything. Its super awesome-o 3000.

I hope more than just me and mcfuckstick saw the braves save that game last night... i dont know how we got out of that 9th inning, but somehow JD Drew to Giles to home got us the 3rd out and the win at the plate, vs. tied up with a man on 3rd. it was even good enough to get on #7 of ESPN top 10 baseball highlights. Goooooooo Smoltz!

So this morning was rough. 4 am sleep time no thanks to Madden 2005. 8 am alarm. snooze up unto 8:30ish. roll out in actual nice attire... khakis and a black button down. feelin good, lookin snazzy. roll to the mailbox on the corner to drop off taking lives and with honors back to netflix. step in some fresh poo. under normal circumstances this poo would have had a santa hat and sang some sweet jingles on my way to work, but mr. hanky comes from human poo... the poo i stepped in was dog poo. mother fucker. MOTHER FUCKER! dog walkers should be monitored by a new branch of the cia... enemy of the state style. after you step in poo, pretty much everyone does the following steps:
1) Inspect surface area of poo on shoe
2) Locate nearest green grass patch not poo-splattered
3) Do 'jack rabbit slim' style dance with foot trying to give the grass a nice poo schmear
4) Re-inspect for no more poo
5) Curse silently to god and the owner of said dog for fucking with your chi

Last night i played in a little no-limit free roll tourney at Famous, the Sports Palace. some palace. how come when i hang out at other palaces, i dont get to stare at enormous biker girls and walk away smelling worse than the chimney sweep from mary poppins?

Anyway, I played this one hand perfectly. PERFECTLY. like if you were watching it on ESPN, by 4th street a little Shoobie: 95% Dooshbag: 5% would have popped up next to our hands. But, as we all know, any idiot can take a seat and not even realize they shouldnt have been in the hand once the money was on the table.

100/200 blinds. i am in last position. pre-flop, no raises, 5 people in the hand. $1000 pot.

Shoobie cam:

Flop comes:

i have a straight flush draw, outside straight draw, and flush draw. a guy bets $500 and everyone folds to me. i call. pot size: $2000.

4th street comes:

mmm, nutter. i just made my big flush. the nuts. and guess what? this mother fucker sees flush on the board and bets $1500. i of course raise....and i raise big. raise $5000. he pretty quickly calls. this pot size went from $2000 to $15,000 in no time. i was eager to get paid off and get this chump outta here.

river card:

so the board is:

i guess you know where this leads... this fucking chump bet $500 on his 5x9x after the flop. then when he got two pair, he bet big, got raised three times his bet, and still called with a flush and straight on the board. he had exactly four outs and the worst part is, he was completely oblivious to this fact. i honestly dont think i could have played it any differently to get him out before the river. i kinda know how all the pros feel when someone you know is: a shittier player, shouldnt have bet middle pair, shouldnt have called any raises, and then they chase down unbelievably earth-defying odds to win the biggest pot of the night and become chip leader while simultaneously taking you down to $1000, barely enough scratch to call the blinds. i felt revolted.

whatever, that place was dead anyway. blogger, out!

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

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Whats Your Product of Choice

No ladies and gentlemen, we're not here talking about capital gains and profit sharing and all that marketing shit i dont know shit about. today we're gonna talk about some product. hair product. now dont go closing the browser because youre a guy and product is lame. this is some important shit! plus i couldnt think of anything else. as some of you know, i have some seriously fucking curly hair-- and in this humid pollution trap of a city, you pretty much have to use product in your ix.

So when i was a little kid, my hair was straight and blonde. then it morphed into brown wavy. finally it just fucking went all out curly around puberty time. when i was in 6th grade, i had to slick back my hair since it would frizz out by the end of the day. people used to say i had pat riley hair. like i knew who the fuck that was when i was 11.

anyway, wow thats embarassing looking at that picture now. back then i thought it was pretty homo to be using hair product in general (and some of the homophobes reading might still), but of course my jewish mother was all about it. i used to have to head in there sometimes and rock out the vidal sassoon mousse styling shit. it got the job done for the most part.

the original problem was the chaotic path my hair chose to take each morning when i woke up. once it just became curly forever, that was when i could start testing out some new shit...seeing what worked, what didnt work, etc. my first experiment was the apple medium hold styling gel by none other than my main man paul mitchell.

we used to have PE in high school...that shit sucked. of course there were showers down there but who the hell took showers in high school? i basically had to throw some water on a towel and scrub a dub... throw some water on the ix, rub in a little apple medium hold and i was good to go for lunch and the rest of the day.

i'd like to take this mini-break to point out the ridiculousness of this question: is that a perm? A) dont ever say that again, and B) its my body i'll do what i want!
no its not a fucking perm you dumbshit. its el natural.

anyway, now that i am 24 and away from my overbearing jewish mother, i am forced to rely on myself for product scouting and purchasing. i have had many a jewish girl's help along the way... frizz-eze, fancy john paul gauttier shit (i dont think he makes hair gel, it just sounds good), mousse, styling gel, spray. i have finally settled on the cheap shit at cvs.

Dep 6 is my shit! i was throwing around Dep 4 for awhile, but it just wasnt doing it for me. i needed more of a firm grasp on these things. with the combination of Dep 6, this:

and this:

i think i finally have this whole product thing down. i just hope it still matters in 10 years. everyone in my fucking gene pool is bald.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

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10 Burning Questions with Borat

Borat Sagdiyev. #1 most popular media personality in his small, poverty-ridden country of Khazikstan. Husband to a gargantuan and very hairy wife, lover of many khazakstani hoes he fucks on the side, explorer in the vast melting pot of american lifestyles. He has come here to Atlanta where he sat down with vicklanta reporter Ace McSoggybottom to discuss life. (to be read with borat voice in mind)

10) Thanks so much for coming. We'd like to know first, what do you think of American women?
Jagshamesh. thank you for having me on your show. ehh i think women, in dis country, very nice. i have touched eh brown hair, the fire hair, and the yellow head. i like them all very much. ehh the yellow heads have no hair on their ehh, how you say for woman chram? ehh, the vajin. i like this very much. my wife. she has much hair on her arms, her back, face. american women have no hair.

9) What is the craziest thing you have seen in America so far?
Yes, ehh one night in new york, the big apple, i was ehh break dancing? in a discotech. i dont know how you say this. i go to talk to woman there and she is very nice. she tell me she want to buy drinks and beat me later that night. i take her to my room, we get in the bed. and then ehh, i felt lower and she had a ehh chram. it was the craziest thing to ever occur to me here...... i choked her to death in the bed, and havent heard any news of that one.

8) I'm sorry, did you just say you choked someone to death in a hotel bed?
Yes, what is problem? in my country, we sh-shoot women if they look at a man funny. my wife was shot several times by drunk farmers......eh she was mistaken for a wild, rabid dog.

7) Can you tell a difference between northern and southern people in america?
Ehh sure. in the north, new york, new jersey, i meet many women who wear big metal rings on their ears. they chew gum and make a pop pop noise with it. the men dont talk to me at all. in the south, they talk slow and all can relate to my horse problems. in khazakstan, we like our horses. in kentucky, they make love inside their horses. it is very different.

6) Tell us about your family back home.
My brother, he is named Bilo. He has much hair on his body and works for the eh people who have tents. everyone comes and laughs at the eh, strange people. he smells like a wet dog shit. my sister, she has made the family very proud. she has been voted best sex in mouth for my whole country. you like? she want to move to america, you could eh perhaps marry her? she will do sex in mouth any time. she is very nice.

5) Sounds disgusting. If you could move to america what job would you want to do here?
Well at home in khazakstan i work for tv show. i am popular for having the sexy with many american women. if i lived here, i would like to own three or four slaves to run my farm. then i would sell the sexy of the american farmer women to many men at night. i would show them how khazakstani women make sexy like wild tiger. i am raped by women every day at home.

4) Are you just into women or do hot men do it for you too?
Ohh. ehh. i dont know why you ask me if i like bum bum sex. ehh, in my country we say shoot the jew and hang the homosecksual. you are familiar with this yes?

3) Well in america, we dont really persecute jews or homosexuals for their beliefs.
hahaha, you should! in khazakstan the jews have the biggest horn out of all jews in the world. i have met some here...they make lot of money and like the sexy with yellow head women too. i hear from some of that atlanta georgia friends i have made that the jew is in charge of all tv here. this would be a big joke in my country... we beat the jew with sticks and rocks and the ak-47. it is good yes?

2) yes. er, no. what about black people, that must be different for you in america.
ohh, the chocolate face. yes, in my country we have never seen a chocolate up close. in america, i hear that you make them plow fields and pick the ehh tobacco. in my country the wife is supposed to do this job. in america, the chocolate face have two kinds: very rich and very poor. i like eh the basketball that your chocolates play... in my country we have game where we push a sheep around until the last khazak is left and then he is to make sexy with the bum bum of the sheep. it is very tight, i like.

1) Do you have any last words of wisdom for our readers out there?
ohh yes. i like you, do you like me? if you have liquid explosion problem, before the sexy, you should drink 6 vodka shot to help. if your horse work faster than your wife, shoot your horse and show the wife what happens to bad worker. oh and watch out for jew claws.

Thank you borat. that was probably the unfunniest of the burning questions series on this site. i now feel dumber for having tried to interpret that.