Wednesday, August 18, 2004

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Whats Your Product of Choice

No ladies and gentlemen, we're not here talking about capital gains and profit sharing and all that marketing shit i dont know shit about. today we're gonna talk about some product. hair product. now dont go closing the browser because youre a guy and product is lame. this is some important shit! plus i couldnt think of anything else. as some of you know, i have some seriously fucking curly hair-- and in this humid pollution trap of a city, you pretty much have to use product in your ix.

So when i was a little kid, my hair was straight and blonde. then it morphed into brown wavy. finally it just fucking went all out curly around puberty time. when i was in 6th grade, i had to slick back my hair since it would frizz out by the end of the day. people used to say i had pat riley hair. like i knew who the fuck that was when i was 11.

anyway, wow thats embarassing looking at that picture now. back then i thought it was pretty homo to be using hair product in general (and some of the homophobes reading might still), but of course my jewish mother was all about it. i used to have to head in there sometimes and rock out the vidal sassoon mousse styling shit. it got the job done for the most part.

the original problem was the chaotic path my hair chose to take each morning when i woke up. once it just became curly forever, that was when i could start testing out some new shit...seeing what worked, what didnt work, etc. my first experiment was the apple medium hold styling gel by none other than my main man paul mitchell.

we used to have PE in high school...that shit sucked. of course there were showers down there but who the hell took showers in high school? i basically had to throw some water on a towel and scrub a dub... throw some water on the ix, rub in a little apple medium hold and i was good to go for lunch and the rest of the day.

i'd like to take this mini-break to point out the ridiculousness of this question: is that a perm? A) dont ever say that again, and B) its my body i'll do what i want!
no its not a fucking perm you dumbshit. its el natural.

anyway, now that i am 24 and away from my overbearing jewish mother, i am forced to rely on myself for product scouting and purchasing. i have had many a jewish girl's help along the way... frizz-eze, fancy john paul gauttier shit (i dont think he makes hair gel, it just sounds good), mousse, styling gel, spray. i have finally settled on the cheap shit at cvs.

Dep 6 is my shit! i was throwing around Dep 4 for awhile, but it just wasnt doing it for me. i needed more of a firm grasp on these things. with the combination of Dep 6, this:

and this:

i think i finally have this whole product thing down. i just hope it still matters in 10 years. everyone in my fucking gene pool is bald.


At 8/18/2004 11:08 AM, Blogger cmdrslappy said...

dr. mickey is totally bald!

At 8/18/2004 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

and apparently many people know a dr. mickey in their lives...from yesterday's sports guy riff with chuck klosterman from spin...

"And I'm not talking about shaved-head guys. I'm talking about the George Costanza/Bundini Brown/Jeff Van Gundy bald guys, like the way somebody's dentist should look -- hair on both sides, a horseshoe of hairless skin in the middle."

At 8/18/2004 1:03 PM, Blogger jsk323 said...

In the spirit of Shuster's weekly top tens I decided to do this.

They say Bill Clinton was the 1st black President of the United States. Here are the top 10 reasons why I think Shuster also, might in fact be black deep down inside...

10. Look at his hair (‘nuff said)
9. He tans up blacker than Tiger Woods
8. He blasts rap in his Infinity and makes sure everyone knows it too
7. Black chicks LOVE him (see reason #10 for explanation...oooh look at those curls...)
6. He likes to smoke the ganja mon....
5. He loves the NFL and NBA more than any other sports
4. He can run fast as shit (uhhhh just kidding but I thought I’d throw that in there anyway)
3. He owns movies like “Friday”, “Next Friday”, and anything with the Wayan’s brothers in it
2. He smokes menthol cigarettes

And the number one reason is:

1. His roommate is the whitest mother fucker around, so next to that asshole anyone can seem black...

Peace, booyakasha...respek.


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