99 Problems But a Bitch Aint One

so this week i was heavily involved in the most frattastic weekend i have had since i graduated. our old fratty had alumni weekend and i was at emorys campus for way too fucking long this weekend. i have this general theory about why emory girls are looking better and better despite the fact that the academic standards are going higher and higher. like when i was at emory, there were plenty of hot girls... but it just is not the same as it is now. emory is flooded with hot girls. gorgeous blondes. ridiculous jewish girls even... what could have possibly changed this culture since everyone is apparently getting smarter and smarter? clairemont pool. i have this weird conspiracy theory that now there is an outdoor pool at emory, where all these bitches have to go and look amazing in a bikini as they lounge with the fratties and laugh about the most idiotic shit. before girls could get away with throwing on sweatpants all weekend long... now its a mad dash for seats at the pool to be the center of attention for all the dooshy jewish guys. anyway, thats just what i think...could be wrong.


i spent an unreasonable amount of time at neighbors this weekend as well. i think i went thursday, friday, and saturday to do the same shit each time. do a few laps, find a table, get hammered, walk home. the worst fucking thing in the whole world is to be cornered at a bar by ex-girlfriends. not to get too much into details, but there were an overwhelming amount of ex's at neighbors all weekend long. i guess i could see it coming... i mean everyone was in town so by default everyone wants to see everyone again. but whatever happened to just doing lunch? at one point my buddy bailey got cornered and had to talk to his old lady for like 3 hours... we closed out a bar and they were still talking about the dumbest post-3-years-breakup-shit-ever.

while we were at neighbors, we also managed to play a nice poker game. i played poker this week on wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, and sunday nights. total profit: $401. on wednesday i played no-limit texas and won this nice tourney for about 90. saturday night was my biggest win... somehow i rolled out +100 at an illegal game in the middle of a bar. overall i was just catching some sweet cards, bluffing at the right times, and obviously a ton of lucky drawing out on certain hands to win. good luck! people always insist on calling it luck.... its not about luck in my game.

so the reason for the title of this page is to talk about one person i would love to take down at the card table. we all have one or two as poker players. in rounders, matt damon took down johnny chan the man. for most poker players, phil hellmuth is a huge target for attempting to take a pro down. doyle brunson, amarillo slim, phil ivey, sammy farha, chris moneymaker, howard lederer... everyone has their someone they just want to bust in a card game. these guys of course make most of their money from rich jackasses who think they can bust a pro... pros seek out the opportunities to relieve idiots of their money. i mean bottom line, a game is a game is a game... why throw personal vendetta into the mix? but were all human, so we all wanna take down one mother fucker. and my mother fucker is annie duke.

annie duke is seen above giving advice to her protege Ben Affleck
Annie Duke is a woman poker player. she has absolutely no fear of men at the poker table; i think she kinda gets off on that part. like when there was a lady's night WPT event, annie duke hustled it out with the men in an omaha hi-lo game instead, insisting that she is just as equal as a man and has no reason to play in a ladies only event. thats great. i even think women have a slight advantage over men because a womans charm can never be underestimated even at a poker table. but annie duke is not a charmer. to me, she would just be another fucking mark to take down at the table. (white trash for some reason has never really done it for me) i know she uses her cunning and flirty nature to like dup men into believing weak is weak and strong is strong, but i can see right through this ridiculousness. i need to move to fucking vegas for a year. take this chicken out of the game. how badass would that be to bankrupt a woman card player with a stay-at-home husband and 4 kids? its not sick! its optimism.

and no, the hollywood secret was not the clerks sequel. its even spicier.
THERE WILL BE A BORAT DOCUMENTARY-STYLE MOVIE PRODUCED BY TODD PHILLIPS