Tuesday, April 18, 2006

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The Fast Drivers Guild

My first ixbox 360 purchased game was.... Elder Scrolls IV: The Gates of Oblivion. i will pause for beatings, insults, jokes, cracks, etc. awesome. now i need to defend my decision by pointing out that there arent THAT many options and until the sports packages are in full production mode, i will settle for a one-person fighter/role-playing game all day. suck my balls, i am a nerd. i mean at least i recognize that there are huge nerd elements to this game. first off, you pick what kind of race you are and you start out at level 1 and move through levels as you gain ixperience points. straight up dorky rpg game. but the graphix are sick and the xbox needs to be played with, so its a good match.

in this game, as most nerd games, you can join guilds.
guild (n.) -
1. An association of persons of the same trade or pursuits,
formed to protect mutual interests and maintain standards.
2. A similar association, as of merchants or artisans, in medieval times.
so anyway, in the spirit of the game and how pissed off i continue to get at the ridiculous insanity that is Georgia Driving, i have decided to start my own guild. membership is quite easy to obtain. you just have to comment one good badass driving story or one bad shitty driver experience that has happened to you. then you have to observe the Fast Drivers Guild rules at all times. By-laws can be added in the comments section as well. Without further ado, here is my motto, my credo, my rules of the road, and now my sworn Fast Driver oath.

Monday, April 17, 2006

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Fuck Tha Police

Not two weeks from the entire "wow, ATL cops are cool" ixperience i had, they had to go and fuck it all up by doing the exact shit i praised them for not doing....

on thursday despite the fact that i wanted to play with my warm new box all night, it turns out that poker games still rank higher on the ixpyramid. so after dinner i pack a big fat bowl and roll out to the game (gables rock springs). now the problem is i need cash and the closest, most totally inconvenient route is straight down highland to the wachodia at virginia ave. so i pull onto north highland and get stuck at the ponce light. and of course, a cop rolls up right behind me. then for the entire (important) stretch of highland ave, this cop is behind me. i am going 35, i am braking to check for pedestrians, i am not doing a fucking thing wrong ya know-- and i would never drive this safely....but i saw the cop the whole time.

i signal my blinker to turn left onto virginia ave and mid-turn the cop flicks on the lights. FUCK. so i do the extra left and i am literally right in front of my destination, the wachodia atm. so i am blazed, pulled over, but there isnt a damn thing inside.

i will just interject that being pulled over is the fucking worst. you have no idea what the outcome of the pullover will be and nothing good can usually ever come of it. also even if youre never paranoid on ganj, it is inevitable you will be paranoid as fuck when the cop pulls you over. so basically that means i was talking like in the scared bitch voice.

the black hot lady officer is on my drivers side and she has a dude officer who is rolling up my shotgun side. she asks me to roll the passenger side window down as well. then...
her: wheres your seatbelt my man? (FUCK).
me: oh im sorry about that....
her: so how we doin tonight?
me: doin alright
her: is there anything in this car you want to tell me about?
me: nope
her: so weve been following you all the way down highland, me and officer tall black dude, and we smelled something funny coming out of the car. were you smoking some marijuana or something?
me: no
(meanwhile the other cop has his flashlight out trying to find anything bad in the back seat)
her: let me get your license.

she walks away and so does the other guy. phew, ok, time to think sharp here.... compose yourself. what can she possibly do? jack shit. you were smoking a cig and no cop can smell a bowl you smoked 10 minutes ago. youre cool. cool as a cucum--

her: my man, we know we smelled something coming from your car.
me: listen i live right off of highland. i saw you pull behind me this entire way. i was smoking a cigarette and you know it. i was coming down here to get cash and go home. theres nothing in my car and...(sigh) i dont know what you want me to do.(?)
her: have a good night.

hands me my license and peels off. FUCKING BITCH. and she was hot too. i would have definitely nailed her in any other situation. i mean ive heard of racial profiling, but stoner profiling? what the fuck. first question out of her mouth was about weed? fuck her...

and an answer to toma-- those cool cops never called jonny back about the court thing, so who knows what happened. jonny didnt follow up so i cant follow up. as far as i am concerned, they can all get fucked minus the one cool cop.

so to wrap it all up.... fuck tha police. that is all.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

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Weekend Crumbs

Well since i am not going to be very useful for social and pop commentary due to the new gaming device, i figured i could at least pepper you with some funny shit to look at. these are in no particular order, they were generally taken between st. pattys day weekend and this past weekend.

nascar john was in ATL from the big city spreading his baby batter all over town for st pattys day. luckily, he brought snack foods along the way. the actual reason he had lucky charms was of course to pick up loose women who usually dont even get breakfast the next morning.

that curly headed kid sandwiched between 2 milfs at cjs landing might be me... or it might not. i was definitely the 3rd oldest person there behind these two. every other guy in the house was thinking it, shoobie is the one who stepped up and did it. dwellis can vouch that the blonde was hot... for a mom.

this male model is donning a J Crew jacket, red mesh shorts, house slippers, and a marlboro light. isnt he just really really really ridiculously good looking?

since i am already ripping on him, click on the picture to see the pot calling the kettle black, along with various other shit strewn about my room. for the record, we have a cleaning lady coming every 2 weeks. its the best possible solution for my chronic-ally messy room.

random shot of carnie game central a few weeks ago, sometime around 4 am.

obligatory overhead shot of Cosmo/Lava upstairs VIP party for 4 friends' birthdays. proof of absurdly high bar tab to follow...

jonny gives me the finger. mcgookey shares his 'smug' smell with dwellis, who loves sniffing butt crack. 'ten-thirty' riner gives us his best larry the cable guy look

pop quiz- these two are arguing about the following:

a. eagles vs cowboys outcome in week 5 of the NFL season
b. whether scotch is better to drink or bathe in
c. yuengling vs. sweet tea
d. who won the civil war
e. it doesnt matter since no one can understand

the only thing worth looking at the entire night.. if you think i am talking about alcohol, youre retarded

face has been rubbed out to protect the innocent.

owners name is being withheld, but he is 26 and quite the baller

note to security at work: find me the 7 on the speedometer and i will promise to never drive fast around the property again.

and since we are in a #7 kind of mood, what better way to wrap this all up than to show i smoked a stogie with michael vick. at least... bizarro mike vick. he's actually a janitor. doesnt it look like him?!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

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We Start Every Round of Trivia with....


if youve been to locos- loehmans plaza for trivia then you know what i be saying. if not, thats cool too.

Last night was the home opener for your Atlanta Braves. we left our place around 6:05 for a 7:05 game. dont ask me why TBS is always on the retard clock. i dont even think i can explain what happened in sane terms, but somehow we got stuck in traffic jams in 8 different locations around the stadium. north ave. to juniper/courtland was absolutely fucked on the way in. once we got to that weird expressway turnoff parking area, it was packed so we decided to get back on 85 and go one more exit. a cop was blocking that exit. we went 1.25 miles past to the next exit and doubled back to a train rolling through. then we went through various side streets on the ghetto side of turner field. at one point a cop pointed traffic in the direction of another cop who was blocking the street. almost an hour later i ended up back where i started, no traffic, $12 to pay, FUCK!

but anyway once the madness stopped the game was on. giles cracked his first HR of the season. laroche, who i am always partial to, was dotting 2Bs. everyone but francouer the wonderboy was doing pretty well. 5-3, good game winning home opener.
in other sports news, i was the self proclaimed offensive mvp for our kickball game #1. considering that only the top half of the lineup got to bat twice, my stats were 2-2, single, double, 1 rbi, 2 runs. we won the game 9-5. kicked some weirdo pirate people's asses. also yayayan had his legs swept out from underneath him when he was subbing 2nd base for me and a dude slid. in kickball. i tried to rush the field but was held back by a cute puppie.
i have been checking ups tracking numbers for the past 4 days straight. you see, my new life has been delivered from the great best buy warehouses in ohio to the front door of my place in atlanta. thats right everybody, my ixbox360 came today. of course i had to go home for lunch to see if it was true. mmmm, that little brown package gave me half a chub. i didnt even get to play it, i was forced to open the box and see what the fuck this thing even looked like. its almost like a mini tower (think PC) with magical goodness inside. the best part is its wireless, no more fucking with that shit. i guess i cant really explain how this changes my life. some friends have told me they wont ever see me again. i'm a goner and will be lost in video game land for days, weeks, months...years? it might very well be true. anyone else who reads this and has 360 holler back, tell me some goodie games i should buy. as always you can check my stats on the side column ======>
and as if it wasnt obvious enough, my gamer tag is VICKLANTA. recognize. byatch.
tomorrow i will have some 'weekend crumbs' and pictures to show. in other news, my KY Derby '06 plans are in order. youve heard of all the characters before. the '06 crew is as follows (and theyre all ripe, sweet, derby virgins):

Timmy (on the right)

Raahk (and his date rape story) (on the left)

Country Mike (the wanker) (tequila face)

Monday, April 03, 2006

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For those of you who dont know about my athletic prowess, pay close attention. This year, I got an email from Coach Kliegmo about being a definite target for this year's free agency pool. for those of you who dont know my story... it all started when i was 7 years old. i was the 'roller' and usually kicked somewhere in the 6th-8th order of the lineup throughout elementary school. changeups, curveballs, bouncies.... i had it all. bethany taylor and anna mastri could not handle my roll and as a result, i usually put up a few K's every game. one time andrew gilmore struck out so bad that he cried and had to go inside... the rolls were that vicious. but at the end of the school year, when all the cards were on the table.... i lost my grip on the ball and it hit my knee and rolled at a snails pace towards home plate and the cleanup kicker.... phillip mcfadden. he was only 8, but all i remember was dropping to one knee after the ball was let go and realizing before his foot made contact that it was all over. phillip had kicked a grand slam to win the 4th grade trophy and MVP award. i was heart broken. shattered. not even a pudding pop and Hi-C juice box could make me feel any better. i hung up my game and vowed to never play this heartless monster of a sport again.

That was almost twenty years ago, yet i remember it like it was just yesterday. But Coach Kliegmo promised me a fresh start. she promised me a new outlook. she promised tough challenges. and she promised the position of 2nd baseman for the Red Rubbers - Candler Park league. i didnt know i was in the running... hell i dont even know how she found my glorious kickball reputation... i suspect google has something to do with it. either way, she has re-sparked my interest in this sport i swore off ages ago.... and i cant let her or the team down now.

Sunday was my kickball team's first practice. for those of you who didnt realize this... adults all over the country play coed kickball competitively. i stress that c word, for it is really just an excuse to have some fun with your peers and meet new other lazy ass people who want to get outside but not be too intense. you can booze at games, in fact boozing is encouraged. coach hasnt given me a ruling on Greens before games, but i suspect it will be similar to the militarys dont ask dont tell policy.

Our team is surprisingly deep... there were several caught pop ups and also several tag outs. if you dont remember kickball from back in the day, you can peg anyone out if they are off the base. if you overthrow, they can advance and then try to steal more. since aggressive base running is my forte, i cant wait to see how many SB's i have at the end of the year. cap that off with a few tagouts and a few RBIs and i would call the comeback season a success. I will keep you all posted of our league standings and hope that maybe one day you too can aspire to be a kickball world champion like i once was.

if you are actually interested despite the fact that you realize this entire blog was bullshit, please refer to the Official Kickball Website. they have the official kickball rules here too... pretty funny to read.