Friday, October 28, 2005

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Just Feeling Saucy Today

ok the reason i started this bad boy blog was to discuss rants and raves about global topics we can all understand. but, its innewiwabel. inewiwabl. inevitable that eventually i talk about totally selfish topics. like today. i am feeling like the fucking money, like the bomb today. perhaps its the fact that house parties are so fucking rare that a two-fer halloween weekend is just so necessary right now. wintermute has thrown some goodies before, so i am stoked bro. i cant decide which order i should go to the two parties.... any input sackhil?

and speaking of indians and feeling like the bomb, i will now get to the point of todays blog. i love playing cards. i mean i know i have talked about games throughout the 2ish years, and they have been some good nights, but last night i played in a brand new poker game and just fucking tore up the mother fucker. paulie, you can take notes son. the first thing i did correctly was to arrive 20 minutes late so i could pick a seat. picking a seat in any poker game is crucial, but especially in a new game where youve heard rumors its soft. ideally, you want to be on the right side of any soft/weak/folding players and to the left of all the crazies who raise/play anything loosely. that way you get to see what is being bet before you decide to raise or fold-- there is no call. last night i knew half the people in the room and got the money spot to their left. the night before i was on the wrong side of this equation and it damaged my stacks badly.

the second thing i did correctly was not show up stoned, but just show up with bag in pocket for later 'sup ups'. now i know this doesnt affect us all, but i truly believe in the powers of potent pot and the fact that it throws everyone off your game. you smile but youre really nervous. you get serious and they think you have the nuts. you say outlandish shit all the time. and of course it gives you insight into the fifth level of poker thinking, namely: what does he think i think he thinks i have?

third, and this is true for every game, i was getting some damn good cards. the thing is, so was everyone else. AA was seen 7 times last night, and we're talking 7/180 hands right? thats insane. they only got cracked 2/7 times. mine held. i also saw KK, QQ, 10-10, 5-5. lots of pocket pairs. and of course they hit a lot. or nothing hit and i was money. but i must say i also doubled up right away with 3-6. ya know? i was hitting cards like a champ no matter what i had.

so now begs the question: so what, you were getting cards and hence the luck factor was swinging karmatically your way, right?

if you ask that question then you dont know the first thing about poker. good poker players do not believe in luck until the end of the night when they cash out or bust out. until then its a skill game with no-limit texas. setting up plays where you fold so that three hands later you can check raise your set into his top pair. slow rolling your nuts when the board flops rainbow. these are the moves that throw deception into poker, not the slap happy look on my face from smoking a j.

i called my time to leave as 12:30 am. i didnt leave until 1:45. they kinda begged for me to stay since it was short handed, and since i was up about 60 bucks i figured what the hell. i love poker. so i originally bought in for $30 and had $90 in my stack. everyone else at the table had a good amount of chips and this was the shark crew, the guys who will take your whole bankroll without dropping a tear. on the button i look down and see QQ. luckily someone else raised to 2 bucks and i called. then my buddy who is really really good raised it to 10 in the small blind. everyone folds, i call. flop comes 9-10-5 two hearts. he bets 10, i call. ($48 pot) blank on the turn. he bets $15, i say ill just put you all in. he doesnt get what is really happening but he decides this is where to make a stand so he calls with 2-2. essentially nothing. i flop the queens, i felt bad, but i took down a $65 pot right there.

ok so now i have $150 in my stack off a $30 buy-in on my first night at a game where i wanted to leave an hour ago. next hand i got K-K and made it 3 to go, but no one played. two hands later, i get the old pocket 5-5. i am in the small blind. this indian kid sanjay makes it $10 to go. now this is seriously the play i have set up all night with the kid. i call the $10 easy and obviously will fold to a big bet if i dont hit. unfortunately, the flop comes out 5-6-8 two spades. i am serious here because this is important. twice in the night, i folded top pair with a medium kicker to sanjays crazy all-in bets. both of the times i was playing shit like Q-8, J-8. trouble hands. easy to fold hands though right? i mean do you want to lay $80 on your shitty 8. just wait til the next time. ok so he has seen me fold to him the top pair of 8's and now an 8 is on the board. so i casually stonily say i'm all in. it took him about 3 seconds and then he fucking calls. i mean he had about $80 into my $150 so i ask him are you serious? yup. so i turn over my set. anyone wanna guess what he turned over? ill tell you since no one would ever comment a guess.... he had AK with one spade. AK? AK? why the fuck did you just call? (this is in my head) his only hope is running spades and when 4th street is a blank its all over. since the game was short handed there were only 3 of us left at that point and the game was over.

last hand of the night pushed me to a cash out of $280 on $30 buy in. soft seat indeed. so if you all actually made it through that entire blog you should pat yourselves on the back. i know when i got in my car away from all those shark fuckers i screamed my closest impersonation of lil jon's yaaaaaaaaaaaaa. and then hit the ipod. and then drove home.

i thought about why sanjay called pretty much the rest of last nights conscious hours and most of this morning. i still dont get why he called. i put him all-in, the only way he could win is to have a hand. he must have thought i was drawing and lying or just flat out lying. truth is i just wanted to get some fucking sleep. so he also happens to work for the same place i work, and this email was in my inbox when i got into twerk today, eyes wide shut and a big fucking shit-eating grin on my face.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

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I'm In! Now....Celebrate

i have actually already been "in" for quite some time now, coming on two years since i switched from horrible cingular devil 666 roaming plan. but now i am "in" with a nifty little camera phone, as i repeat myself for the 3rd time. so without further ado, let me show you some of my amateur cell phone captures. i am getting better at the discreet factor, although remembering to turn off the flash is becoming somewhat of a problem. hopefully in another few months i will have turned the weird angle shots into normal, all-pro photography. but for now, this is all i got....

despite his penchant for sticky west coast buds, dwellis is actually sending love to wisconsin

on my way to work one day, there were like a swarm of mommies walking down clifton to drop their babies off at daycare. i happened to catch one of them whilst driving. i especially like the bigfoot vague/blurry factor of the picture

after many repeated knocks at my gamer lifestyle, the roomie gets caught up in NHL 06 hockey frenzy. he loves checking sweaty guys against the glass

you know that commercial where its like, when you retire are you going to sit here... or here? well i dont know where ill be sitting, but i now know all consultants will be on the club level baby

and finally, these 2 poor jets fans were in front of us all night. some obnoxious curly headed kid would not stop screaming directly into their ears. and after about 37 minutes when Brooks Ballicker was seen on MNF, this guy concedes defeat and rocks this classic jets fan t-shirt.
(Just End The Season)

Monday, October 24, 2005

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MNF Part 2

Thats right ladies and gentlemen, i will once again be embarking on a mind-altering experience to the GA Dome for our 2nd of 3 Monday Night Football games this season. I received a late late 4:45 phone call from yanyayan yatz (my roomie) and it went something like this:

Yan: hey do you want to go to the falcons game tonight
Me: dude, what a fucking teaser. now you changed your mind?
Yan: well...
Me: you got tickets... free tickets?
Yan: ya and theyre sick too. section 223. look that up buddy.
Me: awesome man, ya ill definitely go
Yan: ya he said he had two extra tickets and a friend could go, i figured if i didnt ask you you know where i sleep and youd come after me
Me: well, thats true...
Yan: later

so for the second MNF game, i have secured tickets way way late in the day. hopefully MARTA wont be ridiculously backed up until 2 am again. and due to my fantasy roster deficiencies, hopefully well see a lot more of this guy in the end zone:

i am 5 points back in FF, but my opponent has Vick and I have Dunn.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

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Brain Farts

Blogger readers, i apologize for my lack of creativity. i dont know if you have ever tried to force spontaneous creativity but i must say, it doesnt work very well. i dont think i could ever be a true writer, i just get in the mood where i think i have said all the shit i can think of. no new material. maybe its because i limit myself to just posting long rants about one topic. my boy paulie has the best set up, little blurbs about however many things he has to say at the time. i think it mainly stems from the fact that video games are slowly taking away my life and john madden and his fucking hot routes, combined with the start of NFL season and baseball playoffs and (i have to admit) HD NHL Hockey, makes my mind fill with sports thoughts and pushes out the creative funny juice that may have once rested in its place. also work is getting more difficult and i am actually doing shit now. it sucks. balls. my only relief comes when i dont have to think about anything and can concentrate on the important shit: poker wednesdays (.25-.50 no limit hold em, $20 buy in + re-buys), Comcast HD DVR, ipod abuse, fantasy football, sports gambling, hot corned beef sandwiches, sticky icky, oh and allegedly somewhere in there i am supposed to care about women. see how fucked up my priorities are! so for now, just bare with me. hehe.

i think my technology upgrade of 2K5 is complete, however. i recently came into posession of a brand new celly, equipped with camera to catch all the crazy shit that happens to me.

last but not least, i have been thinking about doing a podcast with my buddy dwellis. not just one, but a series of them sometime soon... does anyone out there know the cheapest and easiest way to do this? i have been researching but it seems you have to pay $50 a year to have a feedburner. what the fuck is a feedburner anyway? and for the record, if anyone has any good podcast subscriptions i must have, my ears are open. there is hardly any good material from ATL residents, although i will say the Mylanta thing was funny but needs a new one. my fave is wtfBBQ guy. dude is mad funny.

--Herschel Krustovsky

god i hope i dont look this pathetic on halloween

The Shitey Toilet

As I have stated before, the janitors here are the coolest people to talk to. no offense to the stuffy white people, but i have to deal with you all day. when i go outside to inhale a few rounds of death, there are two scenarios. the first is that there are scientists and lab people out there, having funny discussions about anything not work related. entertaining, easy to involve yourself, but no secret humor you can laugh inside about while pondering what ridiculous shit was just said. scenario 2, i am the only white boy out there and all the janitors are taking their breaks at the same time as i am.

ok, so picture a smoking booth. now picture a quiet rasta dude from england, a black 50 year old woman with a mouth full of fucked up teeth, but it spits the most lude crude cuss words ever, and two other big black girls. i know i cannot do justice to this story without the actual conversation, but pretend its like Beauty Parlor and these women are ranting and raving.

"This mornin im goin about my bizness and this white lady come up to me and tell me theys somethin wrong with the bathroom. i go in thea and someone done stopped up this motha fucka. nasty shit erywhurr. so i go back to my closet and go on about my bizness. lady comes back to me a few minutes later and asks why i didnt clean the bathroom. bitch this aint your house, i dont clean your bathroom for you whenever you want. she tell me i need to clean it every two hours. every two hours? i aint yo maid. it aint like it is at home where you can pay someone to clean shit every two hours. i work for goodwill bitch, not you. so she tell me she gon call my supervisor. i tell her go ahead, we sposta clean dem bathrooms twice a day, not drop whatever the fuck we doin to go clean up yo shit. better get you some lysol and get down on yo hands and knees and clean that shit up. motha fucka."

you get the idea.... then, other janitor was like

"same thing happened to me. someone clogged the tolet up with all they shit and come up to me askin me to clean the bathroom. i was like uh im a janitor, i work for goodwill, you gon have to call a plumber to fix that shit. shes an asian lady too. they fucked up."

i guess maybe you had to be there, but it was the best conversation ever. three black chicks just bitching about shitty toilets. anyway the best part was this. so one of them was out of cigarettes and she was like lemme borrow a cig from someone. one lady was like naw i got one for the road. rasta dude didnt say shit, he's the quiet type.

so i pull out my pack and kinda hand her a camel light.
she looks at me and she's like is that menthol?
i say no.
she gives me that scrunched up gross face and says no thanks.

now that shit is laughable.

The Talking Elevator

"Floor 2. going down." beavis, butthead, and steven tyler can be heard snickering in the distance. the doors slowly slid closed. immediately he senses danger. something is going to go wrong. thats what he always thought, especially at 8 in the morning. not really. he knew his mind was getting the better of him any time he was enclosed in a 5x5 steel death trap. or a hot convertible car with the top on and the windows up. or when his buddies go puerto rico style and cram into a taxi hammered late night to save a few bucks. ah fuck it happened again, mind wandering. always trailing off. back to the elevator. he pushes the button for the basement. and he waits. not the kind of pause where youre comforted by the fact that god is good and its ok that nothing is happening. more like the i am going to die and this is gods calm before the storm. either i am stuck in this steel cell for hours to come, or i just stepped into a gravity endurance test hanging by a wire or two. mind racing. fuck! hit the button to open the doors. maybe they will just open and you can take the stairs. apparently you can become a better person around here if you just use stairs. but not today. as the cool sweat beads start to just show on his forehead, the doors make an affirming shut tight sound and the elevator begins to descend. "basement. going down." haha, i love talking elevator.

(ps-look how early i am to work today!)

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

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Why Are All Movie Theater Employees Retards?

As i stood in line waiting for one $4 soda at the movie theater, i could not help but notice how fucking retarded everyone at the movies acts. i mean, i can only think of one positive interaction with a movie theater staff.... and that was in LA, at this badass theater, where they had assigned seat reservations programmed into a chart when you purchased your tickets. they also had an usher bring you to your very plush seats, which were obviously guaranteed for your party size.

that means that every single other ixperience i have ever had at a movie theater has been a negative one. i am sure some of you feel the same way.... now i know the word retard might be sensitive to some pc people out there. but you know just as well as i do that, literally, all movie theaters hire retards to take your ticket stubs. honestly, this doesnt bother me one bit... make them think they have an acceptable job and that they can serve some value to the community... i'm all for it. in terms of job duties vs. pay wages, i bet they are the most normal ratio there is.

now lets talk about all the other employees in a movie theater. this is a typical layout of any theater lobby, i have decided to mock up Regal 24 Theaters setup.

Section 1 - The video game section. No retards actually work here, but if you are still playing the video games at the movies for like a dollar a pop, then you are officially a retard yourself.
Section 2 - Bathrooms at movies are just disgusting in general, probably due to customers pissing out half a gallon halfway through the best part of the plot twist.
Section 3 - These are new additions in the past 3 years... ticket machines that take credit card. of course the people who usually operate these machines are idiots who do not understand what a touch-screen is and definitely can never read instructions. i like to play a game where one person stands in that line, the other in the human line, and see who is faster: the retard whose sole job it is to sell tickets, or the machine that deals with retards pushing its buttons.
Section 4 - previously discussed 'front line' of retardation, the ticket sellers. i will give them credit for being able to do complex calculations with the assistance of a cash register.
Section 5 - The actual retards who take your tickets and tell you to enjjy da muvh. (enjoy the movie)
Section 6 - my pet peeve, the concession stand at a movie theater.

now i dont want to get off on a rant here, but the concession stands at the movies need a serious overhaul. the other day i went to see Two For the Money (mids-- 2.5 stars, netflixable). my crew is consistently right on time for any movie. i mean we have never ever missed a movie and we usually skip every commercial and most coming previews. we just have a knack for packing the bowl twice and speeding to the movies to arrive at the best possible moment for most high viewing without seeing crappy infomercials. seriously, we take pride.

anyway, so we get there and i feel like we're late so me and yan head to the seats. we went to n. dekalb mall, basically because we knew that it wouldnt be nearly as full due to the fact that black people and white people just dont see the same flicks. of course we were about 5 minutes early so i go out to grab a drink for cotton mouth. ok, so i am 2nd in line (miracle) and the guy to my right is doing the oldest movie theater sketch comedy ever: 'damn, popcorn costs 4-fitty? how much does that orange drink cost? daaaamn. take it off, take that off, put that on, and take that off. alright now how much do i owe you?' i mean come on bro, that comedy routine is soo fucking stale. also, youre taking 20 minutes to get your order in... what fucking movie are you seeing and how do you have so much time to waste? it was in this time that i realized the concession stands are the worst fucking bottle neck in any business model and that the people behind the counter are absolutely the most braindead, sloth, retarded people on earth.

so lets discuss how a typical concession stand runs.... you can tell i got crafty with visio today.

ok so in this example, there are 6 cash registers... of course half of them work and there's maybe enough people to take orders (baby blue). but the people taking orders are not just taking orders, they are also taking cash, grabbing candy, grabbing popcorn, and grabbing their own drinks. these people move incredibly slow. i mean why is that? why do movie theater workers move slower around a 4x4 foot space than any other humans on earth? next... the green dots. these people, i can only guess, are in charge of making sure that popcorn does in fact pop and that ice cubes do in fact freeze before they are poured into a $4 cup to be served. they dont help any of the cashiers, but they do take up a lot of space doing nothing. then you have the people in the back, with the button downs and the 'hi my name is manager' tags. now a normal manager is in charge of overseeing all other responsibilities of the employees, but since the workers are slothy and the popcorn people are idiots, the managers only decide to interact if someone is really fucking something up bad. do you know how much effort it takes for the manager to help smooth out the process? i dont either, because they never actually do.

now lets take a look at how an efficient concession stand could potentially run if these people just sat down and talked it over, or maybe went to one managerial class, or maybe noticed how mcdonalds does things in warp speed compared to the movies. diagram b:

Improvement #1 - The CASHIER people- get this- just take orders and cash! oh my god, this is one of the innovative changes we've finally been looking to make! we just couldnt come up with it ourselves. yes thats right, the people in charge of taking orders should just do ONE thing: TAKE ORDERS. no need to scoop the popcorn. no need to grab the key from the manager to get to the candy. just take orders, and take money.

Improvement #2 - The green dots can become RUNNERS, and not just useless braindead space fillers that throw seeds into the popper. the duties of a runner are to check the orders being taken by the CASHIER and then running to go get them. or jogging. or quickly walking. but definitely not crawling, or moping, or whatever the fuck it is youre doing now. make sure each order is right, and then pass off the items to the customer. if the line gets longer, the cashier can maybe grab drinks, but leave all the tough running to the runner.

Improvement #3 - The red dots, the MANAGERS, can do this crazy thing called managing. this could include any of the first 2 improvements plus extra responsibilities, like making sure someone stocks the candy, popcorn seeds, boxes, CO2 things, whatever it takes to actually manage a biz. this does not include ever being a bitch or an asshole to the employees and treating them like retards, when the whole stem of the retard issue comes from the fact that youre a MOVIE THEATER MANAGER! you fucking retard. instead of talking to each other about how bad the staff is, why dont they try and help out the runners and maybe even taking a few orders now and again. honestly, if they just delegated the responsibility to more employees, their only job duty would be to tell everyone to hurry the fuck up all day long.

Improvement #4 - HURRY THE FUCK UP ALL DAY LONG. i cant stress this enough. why do movie theater employees move slower than molasses in antarctica? this is definitely a question that can only be answered by Mr. Owl and God him/herself.

If anyone has any other addendums, you know what to do. If anyone worked in a movie theater, sorry for being the one to inform you of your dysfunctions. and if anyone agrees with me, can i get an amen up in this mother fucker? that is all.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

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56 Fucking Spam Mails!

I received 56 fucking spam mails this weekend on the blog comments. god damn, i was ok with 1 or 2 but 56 was just too much. as a result, word verification crap is turned on. i have this feeling that no one will comment since there is an additional step, hopefully you all will still somewhat participate. since i am a huge nerd, i went back through every post that they spammed and deleted their comments. so ha!

This weekend was a crazy one. Saff and her friend Alli came into town wednesday night, choobs came in thursday night, and the weekend was full of stuff and alcohol. here are a few things i took away as lessons learned.

1) If you are a guy who owns a house, it is imperative that you have as many sets of sheets/comforters/bed items as there are beds. otherwise your lovely guests will be forced to sleep on a mattress with no fitted sheet and 1 1/2 pillows, not to mention fighting over 2 blankets because we all know that girls get fucking freezing if they dont have their down comforter and duvee cover. and yes, i know what a fucking duvee cover is!

2) ouzo is the greeks way of punishing american tourists who just want to get in on the fun. it tastes like a harsh blend of jagermeister and rubbing alcohol. once it hits your lips... you just want to puke it back up. sick fucking drink, definitely not one to get crunk off of.

this restaurant is one of the good ones off cheshire bridge road. bring a big party, get a big plate of meat. at Taverna Plaka.

3) cameltoe is still cool.

4) Girls pass out. a lot.

and yes, erik love, upon further inspection that is a hot girl from philly wrapped up in an ATLANTA FALCONS blanket.

5) i will take an asian teammate in trivial pursuit over a white person any day. let the record show that two boys with bachelors degrees fucked up some penn ivy law school yatches.

6) girls have this thing. one of those things guys dont really know about. apparently, there are little gel packets (with warming liquid) that you can throw in your bra to make it fill out more. the packets kinda feel like a tit, and if they are pressed up against tits, i think they feel just like the real thing. at first i guess i thought this was semi-deceptive and not 'keepin it real'. upon further introspection, i realized if a girl was getting naked in my bed and one of those happened to pop out, it would have no ill effect and i would proceed with the buckin'.

7) Hi-Fi Buys Ampitheater truly is the best outdoor venue in this town. the allman bros can still rock out. fully. and hippies love when the allman brothers rock out, no matter what generation of hippie they are. stonewashed hippies. tie-dye hippies. little curly hippies fresh out of high school.

i think thats about it. to the Jews, happy Rosh (hebrew word for head). to the muslims, happy ramadan. and to you christians, well... just be happy we're going to hell. Go Braves!