Monday, February 28, 2005

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The Evolution of Parties

OK, i will admit it. I still have too many ties to undergrad life at emory. Now this can be explained by my habitual vices, such as smoking the green green (buying, not socializing), playing cards (i taught them everything they know), and of course macking on little 18 year old girls in jean skirts and prada bags (yum). well, that last thing is fiction but my proximity to moes and joes on tuesdays unfortunately makes it a possibility regardless of how much i loathe the emory scene.

This weekend, my plan was very similar to most others.... get wildly drunk and out of hand, doing exactly what i want, drunk dreaming of things to come, blazing a pound of weed six days up out the week, and rolling out of bed to go manhandle a half heap over at crescent moon. i would say most of this shit did not get done. i did not get to do EXACTLY what i wanted, and since i am a selfish little bitch, i can say my weekend was just ok instead of awesome. even though i did get to ixxperience the crescent. even though i did get to celebrate the lovely quarter life crisis event for madi. even though i did blaze often and caught quite the buzz. the problem is... i am a 20something. and when a 20something is exposed to two completely different parties in one weekend, he often experiences the 'bleh'. i guess bleh can be described as feeling stagnant, unstable, needing to accomplish something, and having no idea what youre supposed to be doing.

on friday night i went to a party at an apartment full of undergrads. the purpose was to pre-game so that east atlanta was a possibility. but members of my crew smoked themselves retarded and were too busy gawking at little asses instead of gathering up the steam to move on to a real place. in the beginning it was nice, about 20 people. of course there were the major elements of a college party: beer pong table (which i can still handle myself at), card drinking game going down, 1:1 ratio, keg with plastic cups, drug paraphenilia, giggling girls, testosterone laden boys.

once the crowd had filled to about 50, instinct took over. my buddies and i had to get the fuck out of there fast. i mean, for some reason all the elements that used to make us excited to be at a party were like a catalyst to drive far, far away from the scene. the 'out of town friends' at the party would never leave the host to join us, so we cut our losses (free booze) and peaced out.

on saturday, i went to what i would call a much more sophisticated party. the crowd was 24-30. keg replaced by bottles of wine, top shelf liquor, real glasses. chips were replaced by plates of appetizers and finger foods, including a plethora of dips and homemade food. apartment was danker, with real hardwood floors and a balcony overlooking piedmont and the skyline. giggling girls replaced by elegant 20 somethings talking about jobs, med school, life plans, the future. girls brought their boyfriends/hubbies, not just some dudes who wanted to pound beers and sit in the corner.

Essentially the only thing that was similar was that people were pounding cigarettes on the balconies.

i dont really know what i am trying to prove by comparing these two, i am just torn between these two scenes because neither one is for me. the college thing is way too fucking long ago and the sophisticated thing just doesnt work with my stoner vocabulary and playful party demeanor. i am sure that with time, i can adjust to what i see in the future: tame, wine drinking, half single half married, starts early ends early, play it safe, mundane convo filled evenings out with my 20something friends. and i can miss the past: wild, out of control binge drinking, loud tunes, no talking just drunk hooking, anything goes, panty dropping, too easy, little ass filled party rooms.

but as for right now, until some happy medium is reached, i will continue to ride the great rift that is: being 20something. and of course, doing it in the butt. (you love it bloompsey)

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

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Spring Fashion 201

As usual, monday it was torrential downpour and hailstorm here in the atl. 24 hours later, its 70 and sunny- last night, at neighbors trivia, i had on shorts and sandals in february!!

Quick non-sequitor: According to the Guiness book of records, after this season of the simpsons they will surpass which cartoon series as having the most unique episodes for a show (not counting reruns)?
A. Flinstones B. Scooby Doo C. Smurfs D. Tom and Jerry
If you are in second place and have to risk it all.... chances are your guess should be B and not D.

So last night at yuppy central, there were a plethora of ladies donning their latest 'picks' from old navy and UO. now despite me being a non-metro, heterosexual male, i feel like i have a fairly balanced sense of what guys do and do not want to see out and about this spring. it is with this in mind that we delve into the '2005 Spring Fashion Must-Have Items' list-- and tear it apart.

Before we get into the list, lets make sure there is a CRYSTAL CLEAR understanding regarding these comments. i love spring time more than any other season. girls come out of the woodwork during these months. jean skirts (knee or above) are hot no matter what. pretty much all skirts are hot no matter what, although i have found a few exceptions. jeans and a tanktop is always hot. a girl who can rock the beater gets a point on the hot scale. toe rings are extremely sexy. anything i say in this column is easily subject to change if it works for a girl in particular. but in general, here is the shit guys just do not want to see this spring or any other spring:

Old Navy must be stopped. their message is completely wrong. capris pants, no matter which way you slice it, are NOT CUTE. i know your girlfriends all like them. i know your guy friend tells you 'hey that looks fine'. but guys DO NOT think capris pants are hot. like, not ever. not even right now. never.

See, this is taking it even a step further. Lace up sandals are not hot. Capris pants are not hot. These two together make guys fucking puke.

OK, so i know that this type of top might work for some girls... but the polka dot pattern resembles that of Mrs. Smith, my 4th grade librarian. All in all, this top reminds me of a moomoo without sleeves.

Yes, this slinky little dress looks hot....on first impression. But! over-accesorizing a dress with a giant weightlifting belt and a noose for a collar is hideous.

i dont know where isaac mizrahi dug this idea out of, but please please dont wear the 70s flight attendant skirt and pass it off for hip.

Georgia O'Keefe called, she wants her painting smock back.

hippie chicks, you know i have nothing but love for you. but come on, these tops are too cheesy, you wont stand out, and they just look so bleh.

according to my inside source, these bad boys are called cork wedges. lets just call them what they really are.... busted.

so like i said before, i love skirts. i mean, whats not to love. i guess that question can be answered by colors like this... metallic pink? come on.

apparently this is like the hot item to own. tiered skirts. please just avoid this style at all costs.

had to throw in this little guy. if youre going to wear 'sporty' stuff lets try to make it look sexy even when you sweat.... puma body suits. negatory.

just to reiterate. this is the MOST HIDEOUS fashion item out there today. ponchos should be worn in the rain or sold at baseball games for a dollar. to pay $100 for something no guy wants to ever see is just ridiculous.

Monday, February 21, 2005

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My First Fan- missed connection :)

So its 6 am. i just played cards for almost 7 hours. i am passing out until mid afternoon because tomorrow is president's day. god damn i love the .gov

has anyone ever seen those like missed connections sections of ads. like: hi we made eye contact on the marta bus on route 8 and you had on a pink coat and burberry scarf and i fell in love. email me back.

so anyway this weekend, i think the coolest thing that has ever happened, happened to me. (yes yes, i lead quite a pathetic life) so i was walking in L5P towards an indian restaurant bombay and i had to park way past variety playhouse where there was apparently a dank show. for the record, i will never 'try' a new indian thing again. indian and me just dont go together. i love your humor. i love ganesh. i might even bathe in the ganges on a dare. but lintels and curry make me want to throw up. its like my kryptonite.

so anyway, after passing tons of people walking towards the show out of nowhere i see this girl shout out to me 'Hey! I read your blog!' and i am pretty caked and all i could muster was a 'haha awesome!' give ridiculous rock-on hand gesture, and keep walking. smooth shoobie.

so then i debated writing this blog because i mean, its like i should act all nonchalant about having my first 'real life didnt know you at all recognized you passing on a street' blog shoutout, but it truly made my night. i mean damn, to be recognized in public by a blogfan was hot. so i guess the point of this entire blog was to see who the chica was who blew up my blogspot because it was sweet.

thats all. have fun at work tomorrow clowns.

Friday, February 18, 2005

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Giving Yourself a Nickname is LAME

(So there are 2 blogs again today)

Ladies, gentlemen, puppies, kitties... this weekend, when you are trying to decide between the Fontaines-Moes-Noche strip of bars or the Neighbors-Hand-Atkins-DarkHorse strip, make sure you keep an eye out for a huge celebrity hanging out in the VA Highlands. Now i know what youre thinking... any a-list celeb would either not be in atlanta at all, or at least hanging out in buckhead where there is a naughty scene. Alas, you are small minded creatures who do not recognize the celebrity status gained by hanging out in the highlands.

For those of you who have not been to the highlands, there is one man who is a local celebrity amongst all others. This guy is always trying to network himself with the other young atliens. He has his fingers in so many pots he doesnt even have time to have any good conversation whatsoever. he tosses out words like mis, miserable, and misery like its his job. and.... here's the kicker.....

He has self-appointed himself: The Mayor of the Highlands. That's right, not only is it a self-made-up nickname (which is a pretty cool move to make), but its totally true. If youre in the highlands, he is there.... and he is the mayor and you must pay respek to enter said neighborhood. now i know that some of you know he doesnt actually even live in the highlands, but pay that no attention! When the mayor speaks, we listen. And here, for your viewing pleasure, is a shot of the mayor of the VA Highlands himself......

here we see the 'mayor' fingerbanging two unsuspecting boys at a frat party

Black History Month: Z Dank Comedians

In our second segment of black history month, we would like to recognize some of the funniest and craftiest mother fuckers around. These guys are the official Kings of Comedy, as seen through my white boy eyes.

Sammy Davis Jr.
Legend amongst legends of comedy and stand-up. The best of both comic worlds, a jewish black dude who gets to harp on 4 white guys. Of course i wasnt around during his time, but mad shout outs go out to sammy d.

Richard Pryor
While sammy davis broke the color barrier between white and black comedy, richard pryor really encapsulated the raunchy side of black comedy. i mean some of his shit is so naughty my parents wouldnt let me watch it as a kid. See No Evil, Hear No Evil classic. Brewsters Millions, classic.

Eddie Murphy
This guy used to be one of the funniest stand-up comedians. All his flicks pre 1995 were awesome. then he got into the family thing and has been up and down ever since. his SNL skits are hilarious. delirious and raw are classic. and of course shrek... not too shabby.

Bill Cosby
I snuck this guy under dank comedians to see if anyone was paying attention. This guy sucks. You hear me people?! Bill Cosby is so NOT FUNNY it hurts. his pudding pops taste like poop. his ridiculous facial gestures should be banned. i dont even like when people imitate bill cosby. File this with those 'b' bands i hate. Bill Cosby and the Beatles both SUCK! now bill cosby is being a self righteous black guy, calling up comedians who drop the 'n' bomb too much and complaining that they are hurting black people with their routines. stay the fuck up out my bizz-nass cosby.

Martin Lawrence
Hilarious. Martin the show was so funny, but looking back it is so lame if you re-watch. only Martin stands out as the funny one, not his sidekick no-talent ass clowns. his stand up is funny as shit too.

Chris Rock
Perhaps the freshest stand-up comedian of the 2000s. Chris Rock is so fucking funny, i mean if people dont recognize his genius then they cant talk to me about who brings the funny. Plus he was in several kevin smith flicks, making him all the better in my book. he is bigger and blacker than any comedian i know.

Dave Chapelle
Some people just dont have a taste for dave chapelle. and those people should be dragged out and beaten. half baked was hilarious. his comedy central show is probably tied with south park for best series ever. How many Lil Jon impersonators were there post-chappelle version? this guy brings the funny. i smoke rocks.

Runners-Up that i was too lazy to find pictures for:

Cedric the Entertainer
Wayans Brothers
Russell Simmons
Wanda Sykes
Whoopi Goldberg
Steve Harvey
Bernie Mac
Tim Meadows
Tracy Morgan
Arsenio Hall

Thursday, February 17, 2005

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Koko Got Served

So the other day koko, jj, wild, me, and amardeep were chilling at our favorite club- compound. the beats were sick and we were doing some of our more classic moves. after the DJ started spinning Paul Oakenfold, wild busted out with the lawn mower and transitioned into a nice running man. koko and jj were break dance fighting with each other, and a crowd gathered around our crew to watch us perform. i did the icky shuffle and the crowd went wild. amardeep was just bobbin his head, lookin like a balla sippin on moet and shit. if they were going to make some movie about how well we danced that night, it would probably look something like this:

So after that night, all these people were totally sweatin' us at the club right. i mean look at koko's (1st guy on left) cargo dance pants. they are totally fresh and allow for maximum air circulation whilst serving someone. plus those curly shenanay locks are TO DIE FOR! So after a long night of boozing and dancing with my guy friends all night while just looking at girls and not saying shit to them, we decided over a big breakfast at waho that we should form a crew of dancers to go serve other crews! we would call ourselves: Straight Ballers. We immediately signed a coach/manager/booking agent, Ryan vonGiggler, to take us to the top. Ya see, the giggler is just a straight baller yall. he had so many numbers in his Sidekick II that we were sure to get signed to a huge sellout company like Napster.

So the six of us went on the road. I mean we drove all over the greater Buckhead area looking to serve people. If we saw a group of drunk dudes we would just go dance our asses off and totally serve them! Most of them were so scared of our sick nasty dance moves that they wouldn't even serve us back. But then....the worst thing that could possibly happen to a young group of up and coming dancers...happened.

Before i get into that, i just want to let anyone reading this know... the life of a server is one of the hardest paths to take. i mean there are just extreme cutthroat ninja moves going on in this business. dancers breaking other dancers legs. people laughing at what we're doing, throwing eggs and punches at us. its extremely stressful and i just dont think enough people know about that side of things.

Anyway, so we were out late one night, and there were tons of brothas and sistas in the streets out around Club Liquid one night. i think one tweezy had closed up. so this group of little 8 year olds came up to serve us and whipped our asses. i mean, they flat out served us!

Now everyone knows what happens when a crew serves someone and then the other crew serves them back, right? Well if you are totally brain dead and have no idea whats going on in the serving world.... basically, it's on. It's On! It's on? Oh ya, it's on.

So they decided to throw the 'its on' dance off in a warehouse off cheshire. that way neither crew really new the area and basically a whole bunch of sketchballs turned out for the event. We danced our hearts out at the end, but the 8 year olds moves were just too good. too fast. In complete and utter frustration we walked away losers while the other team became national cartoon servers who served people left and right and made all the money and signed all the shoe deals. at the end of it, one of the little mexican kids said, "Yall just mad...'cause tonight you suckas got served!" I will never forget it.

this is a shot of the club before we got f'ed in the a

The group split up that day. no one was trippin', we just knew it was over. Von Giggler went on to write his hit classic, 'Just Straight Ballin', a tell-all no holds barred look into the lives of the 5 dancers who got 'f'-ed in the 'a' hard that night. jj moved back to korea, where he continues to dance on techno-dance-pad-video-games... nothing professional like serving though. wild became a CPA, his most dreaded job of all times. he's probably the saddest of them all. amardeep went out to cali and no one ever heard a word from him again. he's probably still eating the pizza slut as we speak. you know my story, stuck in a cube writing these sad tales of years past. as for the 6th man, koko, well.... lets just say he hit the jackpot at this joint called Club One in Savannah, GA. apparently tons of guys love to watch him dance and shake his ass there.....

clairence, weird, and koko are seen here lounging after work

The End.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

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Black History Month: ATL Hip Hop 101

Its like Chris Rock says, February is the shortest and coldest month of the year. So why not cram black history month into 28 days while white people get the other 337. This year for my black appreciation, i will be schooling you all in the ways of ATL Hip Hop History.

The Early 90s
Southern hip hop was beginning to sprout up in the completely disregarded city of atlanta. Three groups really hit it 'big' in terms of records sold and these other matters. Jermaine Dupri found two little 15 year old black kids in a mall and decided to sign them to his So So Def label. He designed their image, their sound, their songs, and then released them to the public. Everything went well until they had to take a piss, in which case they were stuck with no zipper in front. that group was the ever popular Kris Kross. of course this biz is all about staying power, and kris kross was kind of a one hit wonder that sold 4 million albums.

These guys are the miggida miggida miggida mack daddies

The second group was Arrested Development, born in tennessee but they came to atl to produce their popular 3 years, 125 days, blah blah album. Mr. Wendal was key, as was tennessee, which is still on rotation on my 'Dank Old School' mix.

The third group is TLC, who has dealt with tons of good and bad shit. They were originally produced by Babyface in atlanta, and in 1992 that album with 'What About Your Friends' was released. CrazySexyCool in 1994 was ok too, and SWV got in on the collaboration (creep and waterfalls). Of course then Left-Eye burned down Andre Rison's house and fucked it all up. eventually inner struggles tossed this group into the peace out category and left-eye died in a tragic car accident... they were inducted into the GA Music Hall of Fame in 2002.

The Mid 90s
Perhaps the most noteable group to rock out of atl is Outkast. Before they hit the 'super pop' charts, they went to school in east point, a little hood south of the city that i pass on the way to the airport. They actually went to school with the Goodie Mob, and together with a few other groups formed the basis of the Dungeon Family. In 1993 they released 'Players Ball' which hit #1. The album Southernplayalisticadillakmusik was sick. ATLiens (1996) was sick. Aquemini (1998) was sick. Stankonia (2000) was sick. and of course, Speakerboxxx (2003) was sick. This group is one of the most innovative groups in hip hop today. actually i just read that they are the most succesful group selling over 14 million records through six releases. the speakerboxxx album was one of three albums to go 'diamond', the others being Mc Hammer (my first concert ever) and Notorious BIG 'Life After Death'. Andre even has a boom boom room in his house, with stripper pole for the ladies.

Da Brat was also founded by ATL producer JD. essentially the first female gangsta rapper, she would rock the baggy cargos, backwards starter cap, and of course nose stud so hot. in 1994 she released that hot single 'funkdafied' and since then she has been appearing on other peoples shit, namely krayzie bone, missy elliott, brandy, and tyrese. she also had key verses in Snoop Dogg's classic album doggystyle.

da brat tat tat tat make ya neck snap back

In 1994, Usher (now more commonly referred to as urshur) released an album while he was still in high school. puff daddy produced it and it didnt do well at all. In 1997, Usher got together with fellow atlien Jermaine Dupri and Babyface to produce 'My Way', which hit #4 on the billboards and #1 on rap/r&b charts. i already punkd usher about the hit songs on this disc, so no need to take 2 stabs. Mainly girls like to watch him dance-- he has rock hard abs and is soo hot right now. He also starred in that flick The Faculty, a meaningless thriller. In 2004 he released Confessions vol. 1 and 2 and of course, collaborated on 'Yeah' with Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz.

Jermaine Dupri has been called a little Spike Lee with rhythm. not really. But what he has done is create his own studio in Atl. So So Def records is responsible for big names and he is constantly signing new talent. He is definitely one of the most famous and successful southern producers. He also sang in Jay-Z's 'Money Aint a Thing' and Ludacris' 'Welcome to Atlanta'. so... not much else to say.... go JD.

the resemblence between these 2 is remarkable

they spelled it out for you, in case youve been living under a rock

The 2000s
Most of the groups mentioned above are still around, but several of the atl groups didnt really emerge from the scene until recently. Ludacris started out as a DJ for ATL's V103 and although JD was interested in signing him too, Luda decided to press his own record and it was locally popular. in 2000, def jam records signed Ludacris and created a new division called Def Jam South. in 2001 atl was spinning Luda's hits like southern hospitality and his nate dogg collaborated 'Area Codes'. In 2002 'Move Bitch' was released and caused a shitstorm since bill o'reilly is a fat pig and opened his fucking mouth to attack pepsi for signing commercials with Luda. In 2003, 'Chicken & Beer' rose to #1 with the hit 'Stand Up' that was so overplayed on atl radio its not funny. Luda, you da new face of the atl southern rappas.

The Ying Yang Twins are two thugs whose classic hit from 2000, 'Whistle While You Twerk', at least produced a cool way to pronounce what i do from 9-5 M-F. They are also the spawners of the mega-hit (which translates to mega-overplayed) 'Salt Shaker'.

Lil Bow Wow is not from here, but JD produced most of his albums here. good work on starting your rap career at 5. lots of bitches and hoes to talk about at that age.

Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz were born in atl and went to school not too far outside the city. Lil Jon was also a DJ at V103 and did tons of remixes for peoples shit. And i quote, "Anything you say about crunk has to start with Lil Jon." In 2002 they released the Kings of Crunk which held the famous 'Get Low' track. In 2003, he was on Usher's 'Yeah' track to sing the obnoxious backup vocals that were mocked on Dave Chapelle's show. In 2004 he released Crunk Juice, which is just a compilation of collaborations from Timbaland, Ice Cube, etc. he is even working with Korn right now to put out a single. This guy encapsulates crunk rap and spreads his influence in tons of new records.

In case you didnt know, those two fine looking negros in the back are the eastside boyz

Last but not least, my man Kanye West the college dropout. Straight from the ATL, recorded up in NYC. just go listen to this joint. its hot, and i have to jet.

(please feel free to comment on anyone i left out, anything i didnt mention, anything at all you lazy fucking bloggies who can read but not give feedback)

Friday, February 11, 2005

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Advertising Department Overhaul

Well its almost been a week since superbowl. Of course the true sports fan pays attention to the play calling, the star players, the strength of the O&D lines, receiver routes. The feygeleh and ladies of course really care about tom brady's #1 stunna status, why the QB sticks his hands right by the center's ballsack, and of course... the commercials!

Now i am not going to blog today about super bowl commercials. I mean the companies receive their largest viewing audience ever and they have to throw down their best effort. These commercials by default are usually well written, well developed, etc. With the additional arsenal of tivo and dvr being provided by tons of cable companies, commercials can be skipped, fast forwarded, peaced out of existence for all time. Unless of course you happen to catch something live. Then you must succumb to the advertising people scripting these halfass attempts to sell products with the target audience being: total fucking retards. so america, you ready? strap on your Compton hat, your locs, and watch your back cause you might get smoked, loc.
The Top 10 Worst Commercials on the Air Right Now
10. McDonalds commercials
This is america. home of the free and all that patriotic shyat. I know mexicans love our mickey d's like we love their california style burritos, but the one where a wrestler is eating a muffin and its all voiced over in espanol and at the end instead of saying "i'm loving it" it says "me encanta". that has to go. also, the attempt to attract a large number of black people and thuggish white boys by putting a mcdonalds theme song to hip hop music-- that needs to go too. just use hamburglar and the animated fry guys instead.

the mexican wrestler, appropriately named 'The Shocker', sans mask

9. Stacey's Mom Dr. Pepper commercials
Lame song. The kids are like 12 and the awkward not even a milf mom seems to be seducing the young boys with a big minivan and a cooler full of dr. pooper. This song was probably on the radio less than 6 months ago and they (in case you care- Fountains of Wayne) sold the rights to dr. pepper quicker than any other sellout band. like black eyed peas. metallica. kravitz. on and on...

8. Quizno's weird animal thing commercials
I think most of the country would agree that hands down, quiznos has the fucking weirdest commercials on the planet. i am just going to post a picture, no commentary necessary.

7. Burger King commercials
Not necessarily every burger king commercial is weird. But! the one where the guy wakes up with the king in his bed and they stare at each other in that awkward-- wait, who was the bottom last night? look.... freaks me out man. video link.

6. Weight Loss commercials
God arent all these by definition so obnoxious? Well i was thinking of two in particular.... the anna nicole smith trimspa commercial. ya know, where she shows pictures of herself being an enormous blob of cocaine and painkiller abuse before she goes off the deep end and loses 100 pounds with trimspas oh so healthy weight loss plan. god anna nicole needs to die.

and the new kirstie alley jenny craig commercial. (look even she blogs!) she sounds like a fat fucking redneck... "hey whats up girl! imma call jenny craig. i'm fat girl! call jenny with me." its like, the worst script to a commercial i have ever seen. kirstie alley, youve come so far. remember look whos talking. remember cheers. dont go out like that.

kirstie alley's weight gain is directly proportional to her career loss

5. Genital Warts and Herpes commercials
Cue: ocean breeze, cute girl in her 30's, kayaking. Voiceover: Do you suffer from GENITAL HERPES?! if so consult your doctor regarding an appointment for valtrex. blah blah. this commercial is played during the peak hours of primetime watching. i mean, they dont even give you a little disclaimer like we are about to blow up words like genital, herpes, diarrhea, etc. like keep this commercial for the oxygen network and oprah/dr. phil slot please!

4. Capital One Barbarian commercials
Perhaps the most baffling of all credit card commercials. I mean the settings are normal. banks. malls. offices. Standard voice overs. and then out of nowhere a barrage of blue and white faced people come storming through like the braveheart falkirk scene. i mean, i dont get how a credit card in your wallet has anything to do with barbarians. i am still totally miffed.

3. Carrot Top commercials
Now i know this seems too easy. but america hates carrot top. i mean he is the ugliest redheaded stepchild i have ever seen. his voice makes me cringe. his jokes are completely retarded. c-a-l-l-a-t-t. c-a-l-l-a-t-t. fuck! carrot top, dissapear! no one should be giving this guy ANY airtime for ANYTHING ever!

2. Chunky Soup commercials
Had to take a stab at mama mcnabb. i hate the eagles fans. anytime they get something they want i cant stand it. with the chunky soup commercials airing every hour, its hard to look past this shameless promotion of a completely irrelevant pop icon getting paid to be the big black lady on a commercial. let me hear your battle cry ay ay ay. pick a new celeb to do this spot.

1. Travelocity Gnome commercials
Yup thats right. Worst. Commercials. EVER. i dont get the postcards. i dont get the british accent. i dont get why a gnome would be picked. i dont get anything about these commercials. the geico gecko could take the gnome any day in a cute spokesperson contest, so why use gnomes? god damn gnomes freak me out. but sometimes i play trivia with them.

Runner-up: the anti drug commercials.
Festive V-Day runner-up: The vermont teddy bear commercial with Adam Corrola voice-over.
I have a proposition to all you ad people out there, sitting inside the box, thinking of ways to be creative and fresh. hire my main man Asher 'The Rebbe' Levine. He will guide you to a whole new level of innovative commercials beyond your wildest dreams.

if you can think of any more commercials, at any point, feel free to comment them. i would love to have a running list as a reference for why i jock HDtv DVR pretty hard.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

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Door Opening Fiasco

(two blogs today...scroll down if this is your first 'hit')
Ladies. I am going to need some cooperation on this one. Please. Please! end the controversy once and for all. Lets go in order of importance on this little quiz.

Upon entering a car, is it ever cool for a guy to open the car door for a girl?
When is it not cool to be opening the car door?
If your car has keyless entry lock openers, does it ever make sense to open the car door?
If you are approaching the car from the drivers side does it make sense to go to the other side just to open the door?
If you are walking on the left of a girl and the door to a restaurant is on the right, should you get ahead, open the door, then scoot out of the way so the girl can get in? or is it better to have her start the opening of the door and you swing it wide open when it gets to your reach?
Is it proper to open the door first and then just hold it open while the girl comes in behind you?

Does any of this seriously matter to any girls or do we just overthink this part of a date?
my chivalry awaits your answers.

The Grammy Nominations

Now let me preface this big blog by saying that i am a huge sellout. not only do i fiend articles like this to get me inspired to actually write (since my mind is a vast empty black hole of bong resin), but i dont even watch awards ceremonies. it seems like the worst form of celebrity ass kissing and lucas, from empire records, explained it best in this hypothetical:
Lucas: Well, if Axl Rose was driving down the highway and saw Rex Manning stranded on the side of the road, do you think Axl Rose would stop and help him?
Warren: Hell no man! Axl would grab the wheel, hit the gas, and take that sucker out!
Anyway, lets get back to this. Look at all the awful awful people up for nominations this year.

Record of the Year
Let's Get It Started- The Black Eyed Peas
god what a schwag song. if i have to hear the get retarded song one more time on the radio i am going to shoot myself. superbowl bands that aren’t the main spot are sellouts. Bands that should be lacing tracks with sick beats and do xm-radio commercials instead are sellouts. The black eyed peas have one thing going for them: backup vocalist chicky who is hot.

this chick's actual name is fergie, in case anyone cares

Here We Go Again- Ray Charles & Norah Jones

American Idiot- Green Day

Not too impressed with what i have heard over and over again on the radio. if someone can convince me this one should win it, please... i am listening.
Heaven- Los Lonely Boys

Yeah!- Usher Featuring Lil Jon & Ludacris

Haha... you know what made this song so hot? it wasnt the 'leak' to the studio. it wasnt the outstanding lyrical collaboration. it was millions of white kids impersonating dave chapelle impersonating lil jon that made this a hit. give credit where credit is due.

Album of the Year (not sure why this is any different than record)
Genius Loves Company- Ray Charles & Various Artists

American Idiot- Green Day

The Diary Of Alicia Keys- Alicia Keys

Confessions- Usher
urshur. great name. here are some past 'hits' in case we, the pop culture of america, dont remember: You Make Me Wanna, Nice and Slow, My Way, Confessions 1, 2, 3, 14.
The College Dropout- Kanye West
This album is by far the most spun hip hop in my stereo right now. despite the fact that kanye west has a serious issue with paying for higher education, the beats are sick. the songs are real good. the bass bumps and this shit is just good, trust me. i heard the first 3 songs in san fran and knew i had to buy the album right then.

Song of the Year
Daughters- John Mayer
Half these people dont even write their own lyrics. I give props to mayer. despite my impending gay check for listening to this soft acoustic rock.
If I Ain't Got You- Alicia Keys

Jesus Walks- Kanye West

Live Like You Were Dying- Tim McGraw

The Reason- Hoobastank
hoobaskank. i have to confess-- one birthday, there was nothing going on in town except a free hoobastank concert. and i went! lame.
and now.... who i think should (or shouldn't) win the rest.
Best New Artist- not Maroon 5. i am making a stand. maroon 5 sucks. big balls. ugh. make this band go away.
Best Female Vocalist- well sheryl crow is like milf hot, norah jones is like sweet hot, but i have to go with gwen stefani. raver crazy out all night fucks like a champ sweaty sexy hot.
Best Male Vocalist- gotta give it to my man jonny mayer. sorry prince, stick to basketball.
Best Duo or Group- not evanescence. awful. not hoobastank. just give it to no doubt even though i know maroon 5 might take this one.
Best Pop Instrumental Performance- give it to ben harper! he is z dank.
Best Dance Recording- haha, britney spears toxic is awful. scissor sisters sounded awful on SNL. kylie minogue is so 25 years ago. chemical brothers it is!
Best Hard Rock Performance- incubus = succubus. nickelback = supercuts. slipknot = copycats. slither = teenypunks. metallica... still the king of hard rock.
Best Rock Instrumental Performance- laughable! when allman brothers, brian wilson, and Rush are all on the same nomination list, it reminds me of this tidbit from chasing amy:

Banky: Okay, now see this? This is a four way road, okay? And dead in the center, is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now at the end of each of the streets, are four people, okay? You following? Up here, we got a male-affectionate, easy- to-get-along-with, no political agenda lesbian. Okay? Now down here, we have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck, agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke. To this side, we got Santa Claus, right? And over to this side - the Easter Bunny. Which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky: I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an S.A.T. question. Which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first - the male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky: Because these other three are figments of your fucking imagination!

The only good categories are the Rap/Hip Hop ones.
Best R&B- Al Green
Best Rap Solo Performance- Eminem Just Lose It, Jigga's 99 Problems, Twista Overnight Celebrity is hot, and my man kanye. i guess i hope eminem wins.
Best Rap Duo- Beastie Boys- ch-check it out, The Roots, Drop it like its hot- snoop dogg, lean back- terror squad. all good uns.
Best Rap Song- Snoop Dogg & Pharrell.
Best Rap Album- has to go to beastie boys to the 5 boroughs. kanye youre in 2nd. jay z 3rd.

Then the ceremony ends and the country music shit picks up. and that is where i must end this fantastic blog. Have fun watching the grammys! (on sunday february 13) I am going to do what most people SHOULD do and just look at the list on the internet. laters.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

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Best Places to Live in Atlanta

Dwelly's buddy tj just got a jobby job in the fine city of atlanta. He basically has to pass a drug test and then he is cleared for landing. As he was surfing the internet looking for stations to curl in, i was throwing out options of places to live in atlanta. After heated debate started over which places were the best, i decided i had to write a blog about the best places in the atl.

Now before i go into it, lets get one thing straight. I live in Atlanta. Not Woodstock. Not Conyers. Not Lawrenceville. Not Stone Mountain. just straight atlanta, in the city. I would sooner cut myself than move to the burbs. Or how we snobby intowners refer to it as: OTP - outside the perimeter.

You should only be living in the 'Dank' zone

Anyway now that we have that out of the way, lets discuss the dank zone. Here is one more map- Magellan cut it up one time.

If you read any tourist guide or Zagats, anything that tells you whats hot in a city, i guarantee 75% of the time it will be in one of these areas. Lets highlight some of the best apartments/housing options for each one.

Emory- I clearly try to avoid this area.... too many girls who are just a reminder that you are a fucking old person after you graduate. Decent living options though, very close to decatur. Big apartment complex is Post Briarcliff, which is jewish haven for newcomers to town.

Virginia Highlands - Thats right, a purple star for my area. Everything is within walking distance of bars. The only problem is there are no complexes per se, so you have to find houses with separated floors or a roomie. Some apartment places are dank though-- check out Gables Rock Springs.

Piedmont Park - The best place i have seen so far is madi's penthouse sweet suite. Overlooks the park and is close enough to walk to the highlands. There are several other dank locales around this area, and proximity to piedmont park means lots of dog walking ladies in flip flops and tank tops.

Buckhead - Well i used to live here before the 'hood' got extended into the area. high traffic. high cost of living. low benefits in the social arena-- buckhead is officially one of the worst places to go out in the city. lots of apartments all over the place, but you will be driving everywhere and no one will want to come to you.

Midtown/Downtown - If you love restaurants and clubs, this is definitely the most exciting place to live. Big ups to my man vonGiggler for keeping up a sick pad in the Metropolis. There are great lofts, apartments, condos, etc in this area. most of the area is being revitalized and new buildings are popping up everywhere. some people who work in the financial area can walk or ride a bike to work no problem.

Other Areas the Need a Mention (red dots on map):
Little Five Points- for the alternative ones. if youre from seattle, this is your scene. nice little houses all through this area within close proximity to downtown and highlands.

East ATL - also an up and coming area. Filling in due to mass construction around the area.

Inman Park - All real estate tycoons should be getting their hands on any property they can here