Friday, February 11, 2005

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Advertising Department Overhaul

Well its almost been a week since superbowl. Of course the true sports fan pays attention to the play calling, the star players, the strength of the O&D lines, receiver routes. The feygeleh and ladies of course really care about tom brady's #1 stunna status, why the QB sticks his hands right by the center's ballsack, and of course... the commercials!

Now i am not going to blog today about super bowl commercials. I mean the companies receive their largest viewing audience ever and they have to throw down their best effort. These commercials by default are usually well written, well developed, etc. With the additional arsenal of tivo and dvr being provided by tons of cable companies, commercials can be skipped, fast forwarded, peaced out of existence for all time. Unless of course you happen to catch something live. Then you must succumb to the advertising people scripting these halfass attempts to sell products with the target audience being: total fucking retards. so america, you ready? strap on your Compton hat, your locs, and watch your back cause you might get smoked, loc.
The Top 10 Worst Commercials on the Air Right Now
10. McDonalds commercials
This is america. home of the free and all that patriotic shyat. I know mexicans love our mickey d's like we love their california style burritos, but the one where a wrestler is eating a muffin and its all voiced over in espanol and at the end instead of saying "i'm loving it" it says "me encanta". that has to go. also, the attempt to attract a large number of black people and thuggish white boys by putting a mcdonalds theme song to hip hop music-- that needs to go too. just use hamburglar and the animated fry guys instead.

the mexican wrestler, appropriately named 'The Shocker', sans mask

9. Stacey's Mom Dr. Pepper commercials
Lame song. The kids are like 12 and the awkward not even a milf mom seems to be seducing the young boys with a big minivan and a cooler full of dr. pooper. This song was probably on the radio less than 6 months ago and they (in case you care- Fountains of Wayne) sold the rights to dr. pepper quicker than any other sellout band. like black eyed peas. metallica. kravitz. on and on...

8. Quizno's weird animal thing commercials
I think most of the country would agree that hands down, quiznos has the fucking weirdest commercials on the planet. i am just going to post a picture, no commentary necessary.

7. Burger King commercials
Not necessarily every burger king commercial is weird. But! the one where the guy wakes up with the king in his bed and they stare at each other in that awkward-- wait, who was the bottom last night? look.... freaks me out man. video link.

6. Weight Loss commercials
God arent all these by definition so obnoxious? Well i was thinking of two in particular.... the anna nicole smith trimspa commercial. ya know, where she shows pictures of herself being an enormous blob of cocaine and painkiller abuse before she goes off the deep end and loses 100 pounds with trimspas oh so healthy weight loss plan. god anna nicole needs to die.

and the new kirstie alley jenny craig commercial. (look even she blogs!) she sounds like a fat fucking redneck... "hey whats up girl! imma call jenny craig. i'm fat girl! call jenny with me." its like, the worst script to a commercial i have ever seen. kirstie alley, youve come so far. remember look whos talking. remember cheers. dont go out like that.

kirstie alley's weight gain is directly proportional to her career loss

5. Genital Warts and Herpes commercials
Cue: ocean breeze, cute girl in her 30's, kayaking. Voiceover: Do you suffer from GENITAL HERPES?! if so consult your doctor regarding an appointment for valtrex. blah blah. this commercial is played during the peak hours of primetime watching. i mean, they dont even give you a little disclaimer like we are about to blow up words like genital, herpes, diarrhea, etc. like keep this commercial for the oxygen network and oprah/dr. phil slot please!

4. Capital One Barbarian commercials
Perhaps the most baffling of all credit card commercials. I mean the settings are normal. banks. malls. offices. Standard voice overs. and then out of nowhere a barrage of blue and white faced people come storming through like the braveheart falkirk scene. i mean, i dont get how a credit card in your wallet has anything to do with barbarians. i am still totally miffed.

3. Carrot Top commercials
Now i know this seems too easy. but america hates carrot top. i mean he is the ugliest redheaded stepchild i have ever seen. his voice makes me cringe. his jokes are completely retarded. c-a-l-l-a-t-t. c-a-l-l-a-t-t. fuck! carrot top, dissapear! no one should be giving this guy ANY airtime for ANYTHING ever!

2. Chunky Soup commercials
Had to take a stab at mama mcnabb. i hate the eagles fans. anytime they get something they want i cant stand it. with the chunky soup commercials airing every hour, its hard to look past this shameless promotion of a completely irrelevant pop icon getting paid to be the big black lady on a commercial. let me hear your battle cry ay ay ay. pick a new celeb to do this spot.

1. Travelocity Gnome commercials
Yup thats right. Worst. Commercials. EVER. i dont get the postcards. i dont get the british accent. i dont get why a gnome would be picked. i dont get anything about these commercials. the geico gecko could take the gnome any day in a cute spokesperson contest, so why use gnomes? god damn gnomes freak me out. but sometimes i play trivia with them.

Runner-up: the anti drug commercials.
Festive V-Day runner-up: The vermont teddy bear commercial with Adam Corrola voice-over.
I have a proposition to all you ad people out there, sitting inside the box, thinking of ways to be creative and fresh. hire my main man Asher 'The Rebbe' Levine. He will guide you to a whole new level of innovative commercials beyond your wildest dreams.

if you can think of any more commercials, at any point, feel free to comment them. i would love to have a running list as a reference for why i jock HDtv DVR pretty hard.


At 2/11/2005 2:09 PM, Blogger shoobie said...

Yo its me, shoobie, replying to my own blog already.

The Q-Ray Ionized bracelet is also a big bunch of bullshit and quite frankly, all the 85 year old grandmas on the commercial who vouch for the bracelet should get hit over the head with a tackhammer because they are retards.
check it

At 2/14/2005 1:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Quiznos commercial is just plain scary. What the hell is that thing?



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