Monday, January 31, 2005

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Hotlanta? Not This Weekend

Let me tell you a little story about the Winter Storm of 2005. Here is how ATL does. During the Spring, temperatures flex from 55-85 degrees. Hardly any rain, mostly sun and badass weather. emory yatches wear the little tanktops and skirts like the 'whore' look is right back in style. its pretty sweet. summer is nasty, where it can easily reach 90 and the humidity causes more swass than any man should experience. fall is of course nice 60-70 degree weather. and of course the winter. here is how winter works in atl. from november 1-december 15th, the temperature can fluctuate from 70 all the way down to 40. absolutely no chance of snow ever, youre more likely to get a suntan than frostbite. from december 15-jan 31, its still cold but mostly 50s and 60s while the rest of the nation gets pounded by cold. one day....thats right, one day out of the entire month of january, it actually dips below freezing and all hell breaks loose.

This weekend winter storm watchers on 11 alive news knew the ice was coming. They told the city to stay in doors, pack up on groceries. it would be sleet and freezing rain all night. shoobie knew this. in fact, when i left for a midnight poker game 25 miles outside the city, i fully expected to be driving back in ice.

You see where i come from, ice and snow is a natural expectation during the winter time. Kentucky even has these things they invested in called salt trucks. Apparently salt is something that makes the ice melt so that there arent patches of slick spots up and down the major highways. now every once in awhile it snows a foot or two and no one can get out of their driveway... but during the icy months salt is laid down on the roads.

In hotlanta, they dont even know what a salt truck is. The city literally shuts down before a single drop of snow hits the ground. The best part about atlanta drivers during ice/snow conditions is how their erratic driving skills do not change one iota. While i was driving up to fucking duluth, i had to take the 85/285 connector. (not an exact photo but you get the idea)

Here is where the lessons start for georgia drivers. Now when two highways meet, there are these things called overpasses. Overpasses are exposed to cold winds blowing above and below the roads, causing extreme freezing conditions. When it is 11 pm, the ice is usually hidden by the fact that its dark outside, hence the term 'black ice'. When you drive on a frozen overpass, you need to be extra cautious to NOT speed, NOT accelerate, stay in ONE lane, and do not TAILGATE any other cars on the road. I cannot tell you how many car crashes i passed on the way out there, driving 45 mph, trying to stay in the right lanes because of retardation going super fast in the sleet conditions.

Anyway i got to the poker game and although it was the highest stakes i have officially played for, my card playing was quite magical and by 6 am i was up 300 dollars. Unfortunately my car was covered in an inch sheet of ice so i had to sleep at serge's mommas house. (read about serge here) If I had been down $400 i would have been a pissed off little bitch, but the cash felt pretty nice rolled up in my wallet. The next afternoon things hadn't gotten any better. I had to crack my car out with a little dinky scraper... my mammoth scraper was ironically sealed shut in my trunk. after over an hour of slow pace driving to get home, i smoked a fat bowl i had been dreaming of for 12 hours, showered, and went to dinner at spentkins park.

my plan was to get totally cocked and walk home falling down on the ice every half block. unfortunately for me, my friends were giant pussies and retired to bed early. jonny was useful for about two additional drinks but by the time we skated home, he was passed out with hand down pajama pants within 20 minutes. i slid over to marietta's casa del amor for some chronic and chronic eating, and after catching saturday night live live for the first time in 2 years, peaced out and slid back home to crash. unfortunately halo 2 called my name until 4 am.

Sunday morning the ice was completely gone, leaving in its wake downed trees and power lines, millions in insurance claims for ridiculous drivers, and a cool 45 degree weather outside. Million Dollar Baby is a badass flick and i would recommend everyone go see it. bring a tissue or two if youre a female. sideways is also a great flick and makes you want to drink wine more than anything on earth. Here are a few additional shots of the WINTER STORM OF 2005! (which was more like a little ice blast but the news people have to make it sound more exciting)

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

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Double Whammy

Here we see the double whammy in action: Uggs and a Wrappy thing

photo courtesy of A. Wild Katz, candid cell phone capturer extraordinaire

As if that wasnt bad enough, Check this shit.....

Monday, January 24, 2005

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Deep-Fried Cornbreaded Tuna Chowder Hairpie

After a devastating and heart-wrenching weekend of sports, i have now officially switched into college basketball mode. FYI, my teams are the ville, the cats when they arent playing the ville, and since i need to pick a dark horse from the acc, i tend to follow the wolfpack. teams that i absofuckinglutely hate: blue devils, golden eagles, and bearcat thugs.

I dont exactly have one specific topic today. Rather, a set of hodgepodge that collects in my little cellphone text messages to myself (i am a stoner, reminders are crucial for my existence) until there is enough material to build a blog around. So this weekend started off on Thursday night, where my boy jonny took wingman and joined me in meeting a couple of j's who were out and about in the highlands. the j i was trying to meet up with was real cool, so that is offically 2 cool j's total out of like 300. she burns, always a plus.

On friday i rolled out to the mecca of sexual assault that passes for flirting, East Andrews. as soon as i got there i felt like i was in my own version of Bill Bellamy's 'How To Be A Player'. For those of you who dont remember this stellar oscar winning flick, bill bellamy goes to this party where 5 girls he has been playing all show up at the same time. i was rotating around three groups of j's the whole night, trying for no intersections... of course outgoing cool girls also know each other through jewish geography and at one point i saw 2 j's introduce themselves to each other. bill bellamy saw all the angles. he put the girls in different corners of the party and made succinct rounds to all 5 of them. i, on the otherhand, decided the best way to cope with cross-j'ing was to down shots of tequila and dance my ass off. i guess it worked out ok, since i didnt take any of the j's i wanted back home and instead my 2 buddies convinced these 2 brutus chicks to drive back to my place and smoke my weed. when i say brutus, i am being nice. and i apologize to my 2 roomies (this weekend) for the loud and obnoxious zoo noises coming from downstairs at 4 am.

saturday i went to go see a flick. the original intent was to see million dollar baby at phipps, the only theater its showing in all of atl. of course it was sold out. so we drove 30 minutes out of the way to go to best buy to burn an hour before driving to a totally different theater to see a totally different flick. the good things: i got the new kanye west cd, the jamiroquai cd, and simcity 4. also i was incredibly blazed for the entire 3 hour pre-movie production. saturday night was another naughty night... joined the birthday girl and her buddies in east atl for several shots and pbr's. here is how i roll after a big bowl for myself, 3 shots, and 4 beers:

and yes, that is a burberry scarf in the background. apparently they have gone incognito and strayed from the standard plaid design that makes them so popular

sunday comes around and of course my thoughts are on one thing only: michael vick and the atl falcons. i roll to stanton von giggler's condo of love for some brews, buds, bbq, and chili. you know when youre at a party and there is little to no seat space available? this is where i would like to introduce the concept of "filler". Invented by the great Anthony Shohow Chiu, filler (n.)-- is a term to describe the people who offer absolutely zero to the conversation and yet they still take up a seat while you have to stand to watch your team get their asses kicked. there was some filler at this party, just like i'm sure you all know who the 'filler' is in your click. if you were smart you would just completely cut connections with said filler, but isnt that like the most impossible thing to do? the worst part about filler people is they don't even know they are filler.

there was also someone i ran into this weekend who is the entire reason for the title of this post. She is a hot girl. She has a cool personality. She is wild beyond most girls her age. Sexually advanced. Nymphotic tendencies. And yet her musk, her scent, her 'area', has reportedly been matched with that of fried cornbreaded tuna chowder hairpie. now i know this is a sensitive topic. if i knew that anal beads would set off the buzzer, then certainly the smell of ones vajin would break records in the offensive arena. but how do people not know? i mean i feel like i know when i need to scrub the boys... dont you ladies know when its time to freshen up the flower? the reason i mention it at all is because all last night i was having recurring nightmares of drowning in buckets and buckets, puddles and floods, of goop with smells beyond anything on this earth. smart girls, explain it to the dumb ones. whatever you can do to make it taste like strawberry shortcake, do that for me. and the other men. please.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

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Your Guide to Being a Baller

So youre sitting on your computer, chatting online with babes all day. You used to have free reign over punan in college but those days are over, so you need to come up with some better schtick to get yours. It's hard to get back on the horse... hell we've all been there before. But maybe now you dont need to start from scratch. Maybe someone decided to take a stand and teach the world his amazing feats. It is during times like these that your personal experience alone will just not help you get girls, get a job, get anything you want in life. You need some help from an expert and you need it rapido! That is why RandomHouse has decided to publish one of the most introspective books of all time. Talent. Skillz. Money. Ho's. This book has it all and if you pick up your copy today, you can too. I am of course referring to the most popular book to hit the stands since 'Catcher In The Rear'....

This book is phenomenal. It has anime, quizzes, incredible pictures, funny jokes... the quintessential coffee table buy. Plus vonGiggler really encapsulates the life of a true baller throughout his pages. See?

"Stanton vonGiggler really encapsulates what it is really like to be a straight up balla."
--Fitty Cent

"I was lost without the wise and reputable knowledge of Mr. Giggler. My friend got me this book for my 25th birthday and I can't even tell you how I never want to go back to being a nobody ever again."
--some dude on the street

VonGiggler was born to a very wealthy chili tycoon out of cleveland, ohio. He owned all Skyline Chili's and held the secret ingredient to the midwestern delight.... chocolate. With this ingredient he spread his chili sauce all over the ohio pennsylvania indiana region. They loved it. When Mr. vonGiggler had a baby boy he knew that boy would grow up to be the biggest baller that ever lived. Here are some excerpts from the book:
"Balling comes with time...its just like any hobby, you have to get good at it. Take small steps to work up to the big ones. Here is a real easy way to quickly feel the effects of balling. Go to the bank, withdrawal a $100 bill. Go home and break out your stash of heady nugs. Break them up into little pieces and roll them up in your benjamin franklin. Then smoke it all by yourself. Only true ballers can smoke a joint with a $100 bill as a lid."
and here are five of the top ten list of straight up baller moves:

Top 5 Things on Your Checklist of Balling

5. Blast a line off a girls nipples because you can.
4. When you go to a club, the only way you roll is VIP and bottles of moet....accept nothing less.
3. Hang out with people who just want to be around you because you are filthy rich.
2. Put the flip up lamborghini doors on your Honda Civic.
1. Use your Sidekick as if youre actually talking to paris hilton or snoop on there, no one will know the difference.

These and many more ideas are all included in this book. So go out to the Borders and shoot mexican immigrants! buy your copy today!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

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How Bout Them Falcons

Now I of course dont want to jinx anything by talking about the performance last saturday. i am not even going to mention how crucially important it is that another team shuts out philly from ever entering the arena of that other important game 2 weeks away. but i must tell the story of the Falcons Playoff Game 1.

At 1:30, me, krapil, swilly, his lady friend, thirsty, and midnight all piled into the pathfinder to head down to the dome for what would be one of the greatest times of my life. we had a lot A pass and found a nice open three car space to set up our little tailgate area. my purpose at a bbq/tailgate is fairly obvious.... bring the marijuana, the bowl, the card table, the tunes. leave the cooking to the goyim. drink as much beer as humanly possible.

So one thing about blacklanta is of course the amount of thuggery at any city-wide event. Hawks games, freaknik (when it existed), underground atl, buckhead! all instances of major thuggish ruggish activity. i of course felt at home, especially when tyrone biggums asked if he could use a spot on our grill for his brats. mmm, i love a good unkosher kilbasa i dont know about you all...

At about 3:30 me and krap went to willcall to get my ticket so that i could sell it and sit with them. we met a good buddy by the name of dax. dax was a steelahs fan but he gotta cheer for the home team. he took us to willcall but of course it was closed, so we got his digits and had to call him later on to hock the ticket and get my face value. dax had his corn rows rolled too tight and tried to jew me down on the price. fucking bastard.

we met up with eisey and boozer with a half hour to spare on the tailgate. drinks were poured. coals were put out. signs were made: 'Welcome to Vicklanta' (of course) and 'Thats not in the playbook.... but it should be!' since we were sitting in the endzone i thought for sure one of those two would make it on tv... i mean, vick was going to be doing all kinds of running... i could never have predicted the pace of the game beforehand.

we roll into the dome, sneaking in 4 bottles of tennessee's finest. JD. grab a soda, grab our playoff rally towel. and it was off to the endzone, slightly better than corner pocket, row 20. when the falcons take the field to AC DC, the dome is absolutely explosive. i mean, the majority of people did not sit down for more than 5 minutes the whole night. the 12th man was in full effect.... our crew was berading any bulger/holt/faulk jerseys in site. on the third snap, vick dodged and danced in the pocket...then dashed for a remarkable 47 yards down the field, right towards us. 3rd play! i fucking dropped my jack and coke right away because everyone around me was cheering slapping high 5, all that gay shit. after that it was a nice 23 yard spiral bullet to my man crumpler, right in front of our faces. the rams scored 7 just as easy. then on the kickoff return rossum broke to about the 40 and dunn ran it in one play for 62 yards and a TD. 21 points in just under 7 minutes.

game stats: 327 yards on the ground, including 142 for dunn, 119 for vick, and duckett for 66 more. allen rossum our special teams returner went 4 for 80 on kickoff returns and 3 for 152 plus a TD on punt returns. our defense had 4 sacks including a brady smith 'hit stick' layout play in the endzone for a safety (which was also right in front of us in 4th quarter). brooking had a forced fumble which we recovered. the only error was when vick stumbled and dropped the ball on a 12 yard run and no rams defender even touched him, he just got tripped up. needless to say it was a complete game. offense, special teams, defense, o line, d line. everyone was working together and all the rams could do in the 2nd half was produce empty yards and no points. NO POINTS for an entire half!!

after the game the air was thick with excitement. we just watched the falcons manhandle the rams for the entire 60 minutes. everyone was crazy screaming, whipping towels around, cheering for the falcons and of course hoping the vikings would win the next day so we could come back and do it all over again. we travel to philly this sunday and i will be watching on my (roomies) new 46' HD DLP piece of heaven tv. one more game and we're going to the big one.

GO FALCONS! and now pictures of the plays we were just talking about.

on his first rush attempt, mike vick goes for 47 yards on the third snap of the game.

crumpler receives a bullet pass right in front of my eyes for the first TD

on the very next falcons drive, warrick dunn breaks for 67 yards and his first of two TDs

after allowing the falcons to break tons of playoff records, mike martz tucks tail and refuses eye contact for his god awful run in the playoffs. mike martz, you suck and your play calling sucks. all i have to say is: SUCK IT!

Red Shoobie Diaries

So i had been talking to this little 34 year old for a few days. i of course had mlk day off like any good gov worker should and on sunday night i got a call to go to fontaines with some friends. so i had a few jack and cokes and got home around 1ish. not very exciting. then i get a call at 2 am to come over to this girls house. she lives about 10 away which is nice... intown girls are way better than otp girls. i get there and she has glasses of wine waiting. xanex bottle by the bed. she has 2 full, i have 2 full. we go to smoke a bog in her bathroom and she is so crunk drunk that she spills her glass all over the bathmat... stain city. first date, chilling on her bed, wine settles in. kisses, clothes off, my technique is picture perfect. and then the weirdest thing happens to me... she passes out. i mean, i dont think a girl has just straight up passed out when we are in the middle of shit... but i suspect it was the xanex and the 2 glasses of wine. i know my shit is pure. so now i have passed out chick, in her bed, and its 4 in the fucking morning. so while the other devils reading this blog would finish up the job and not worry about their consciences.... i flipflopped between tucking her in and skeet skeeting all over her stomach as a signature that i had left but still gotten mine too. i of course tucked her in and did one of those i had a good time last night talk to you later voice mails. crazy MLK day.
So i met this girl out at a bar and she invited me over to play at her house one night. As far as i can remember from the first night she is hot as fuck... so i get over to her place and she is officially quite the tall glass of water that i remembered. so we are playing some drinking games, goofing around, having a good time when she offers me the tour of her apartment. anyone who has ever owned an apartment knows this just means i can't be direct enough to ask you to come into my bedroom so i am going to give you the 'wanna take a little tour' question. so i get into her bedroom and we start making out and when we get on the bed, i notice there are rubber sheets. i mean thats a little weird but whatev, i am pretty shitfaced and dont think to ask what its for. so when we are ass naked, she decides to pull out some anal beads on me. she says have you ever done this before? and i am like, well no but i would definitely put them inside you.... no no, she says she wants to try them on me. now you know when youre in a hot girls bed you do whatever the fuck she wants to do... its just one of the rules. so i let her start putting in anal beads. it feels pretty crazy and she gets about 3 in there nice and snug. then she was like: ok, you ready? i'm thinking, sure whatever... do whatever, youre hot i dont care. so she pulls out the beads all at once and what do you think happens next? i spray shit all over her bed. aha! thats what the rubber sheets are for. so i am fucking embarassed, i just shit all over the place right in the middle of this girls apartment. so you know what she does? she starts rolling in the shit on the bed. apparently she is turned on by the whole idea and has clearly done this many a time before. between the beads and the shitting and the girl rolling around in the shit, i decide i have had enough for one night. gather my clothes and run out the door ass naked. this story was actually a story a buddy of a buddy of a buddy, but it wouldnt have seemed nearly as cool if i told it in 3rd person.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

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So i have tickets to playoff game 1. Pregame plans kick off at 3pm. BBQ, brews, buds. 6 o'clock entry into the Dome. D Hall jersey in full effiz. Over/Under on Vick rushing yards? I put him at 8 for 80. Dunn goes 15 for 100. 2 TDs by peerless. 4 sacks by ATL D line. Final score 34-30.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

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Thuuuuuuug Life

In Atlanta, it is pretty tough to stay grounded in my white roots. There is so much thuggedness going on here i sometimes resort to black voice. In black voice, i can drop the n bomb as long as it ends in -ga not -er. Usually i like to look but not touch black ladies. Mainly because the ones who look at me serve meatloaf and sloppy joes by day. When i am feeling especially thuggy, i will drive my 'infinit' across ponce to north ave and drive towards downtown to the chicken and waffles joint. Or stop at dugans for the best wings in atlanta. Sometimes i even catch myself dropping scrilla on an orange drink up at the Varsity. In terms of sports, i am an avid fan of all teams that have thugs on them. Or thug following. either way, in this town you can throw a rock in any direction and hit a thug who likes the Atlanta Hawks. the hawks are like 6-20, and people still go to the games because it is the mecca of thuggery. if i am not donning my #21 D Hall jersey then i am usually rocking the red hawks headband. damn that thing comes in clutch when my ixy black jewfro is all up in my grill. i dont own a brush, rather a comb that resembles a pick. i have more mix cds with 'Heady Rap' or 'Rap Tunez' on the label than my white music. i wanna fanta fanta right now. the comcast guy's thick playalistic accent of thuggery is completely comprehendable in my ears. kanye west's struggles are mine own. mike vick gon rock tha dome. boooooom, where you at. i am just feeling so so def right now. imma go to the lab, get my headphones turned up, blaze some shit, murder this track. chef is my favorite black person on south park... i mean he is fucking way funnier than token. i am from kentucky and i have a penchant for deep fried dirty southern kfc chicken tenders with barbecue sauce oozing out the sides. i have more bling in my teeth than luda could ever put in. i have a mammalian penis. its a veritable horse cock. all i want to do right now is go to a park, play some basketball against some thugs, eat watermelon, and drink malt liquor. domino mother fucker!

My true inner being.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

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Movies, Byatches.

I know, i know. I didnt do any follow up with the San Fran teaser. The whole point of the trip was the san fran part and i left it hanging. Fine, you want details! Here goes: San Fran is sick. I loved the chilled out vibe compared to SoCal. NorCal. Its much Headier Up Here. That would make for a nice bumper sticker. Haight was a real fun time. People be sellin greens greens greens on the street in the mcdonalds wherever the hell you want nugs people have. We went to twin peaks, sick 360 view of san fran, bay, ocean, etc. New Years, i brought some 17 year olds up from the lobby who didnt even know what champagne was or that the g was silent. idiots. one jewish but i knew that from the start. Fireworks, bottles and bottles, twists and twists. 4:00-4:00 carnage. 12:01 leave room and minors for a taste of Ruby Skye. 50 bucks a pop, drinks not on the house, but who cared i was a dancing machine. PhillyV gets lost for 4 hours, kisses fat asian goodnight, shoobie more concerned with 3am egg and cheese sandwich with hash browns than any puntang. Next day go to mecca of all gamers EA campus in Redwood City. Lobby has Madden 2005 video arcade game. Leave for red eye, SFO to ATL.

....and we now return you to Bravo's very own Inside the Actor's Studio.

Meet the Fockers- Havent seen it yet. Why can i review it? Because i already know whats in this one... DeNiro probably adds little to nothing to the storyline or humor. Ben Stiller is funny as usual, but the jokes are the same. Barbara Streisand probably makes the movie with her nervous jewish mother jokes. The wife should have been re-cast as a hotter focker, but whose counting. I am waiting to netflix this one, despite it being #1 in the box office. I feel like nothing can top the first one and this was the most anticipated hit(but read: bomb) of the season. Thats mainly due to schwag other cinematic releases.

The Aviator- Liked it enough because of the Scorsese involvement. In general, OCD freaks me out. Anyone i know who is super paranoid like that is not really someone i chill with. But great story, definitely kept me interested the entire three hours, great cinematography, and of course probably deserves to be #1 right now not that stiller piece of shit i just wrote about.

Lemony Snickets Series of Unfortunate Events- god why did i spend money on this one? and why did i do it in LA where a movie costs 12 for the matinee. fucking kids movie. and not even a good one. jim carrey, you blow. you are another worthless candian to add to the stack. Little 8 year olds are going to revisit this movie later in life and wonder why in gods name did they think it was good. no plot twists. no surprises. no unfortunate events. unfortunately for me i spent cash on the tickets.

Ocean's 12- I have no idea why this got rave reviews either. This was definitely netflixable. Fucking Julia Roberts pregnancy scene was absolutely astoundingly dumb and made me want my money back. Lame robbery plot. Matt Damon, still so hot. thats about it. 2 1/2 stars.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou- didnt have to spend money on this. didnt like it initially, but i assume that once i rent it i will renig on those comments and proclaim it a success. i was the same way with The Royal Tenenbaums...slow to warm. i think i saw this flick the first time when it was called Lost In Translation.

Finding Neverland- story about the author of Peter Pan. Jonny Depp was good. The costar was hot and good. The little british kids were good. This was a good movie, flew under the radar.... but its still just a peter pan tale. Cried at the end. Youll see. Youre heartless if you dont. But netflixable for sure.
Movies out on DVDank.

Garden State- Hands down one of the best movies i have seen in a long time. Natalie Portman is such a stunna. Zack Braff from Scrubs is phenom. Just check this one out. And burn a copy for yourself.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy- This was pretty funny. i mean not like hilarious, but.... wait, will ferrell pretty much is always funny. i cant wait to watch again. and again. stoners love to do that with brainless flicks like this. everyone i know saw this but in case you havent, its worth it.

Troy- god i wish i could have a brad pitt orlando bloom shoobie sandwich. i love the sweaty bathing scenes after a good naughty fight. good flick. worth it if you have either HD, surround sound, or both.

Hero- maybe its just me, but i do not enjoy japanese fighting flicks with subtitles. i mean, i know that any critic of any movie should be able to hold their attention during one of these, but i just throw in the towel on ninja movies. i officially do not enjoy them anymore. there, i said it. i can have an opinion in the matter too quintin! its not just you you you, fucking critic.

Shaun of the Dead- if you havent seen this movie just go right now to blockbuster and rent it. hilarious and scary at the same time? plus british accents! and after youre done renting this, rent 'The Office' the british series. i hate monty python but i loved this flick. and the office. (laced with thick accent) myyyyyy myyyy myyyy, their humor is soooo drryyyyyyy.

King Arthur- Not even worth the effort. bad characters. bad storyline. mids effects. just bad. and i really wanted it to be badass.

Napoleon Dynamite- go get someone to spank you if you have not seen this movie. hi-larry-ous. HILARIOUS! this is officially the best high school movie ever made. thats right, even better than dazed and confused. i could watch napoleon dynamite 100x more than i already have watched dazed. please just go buy a copy. dont rent, buy.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

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Pacific Coast Highway

After 5 days of living it up in the hollywood scene, it was time for our 7-deep crew to continue on the west coast journey. While in LA, we played about 12 hours worth of poker to keep our appetites wet. Me, A.Wild, budnick, and a buddy went to commerce casino to play a little no-limit texas hold 'em. $100 buy in. The first day i broke even and jonny was up about 4 large. The 2nd day we played with each other and i somehow won $450 from my own friends. Now i didnt want to take the money, but hey it was there for the killing and 10-20 cornfeld was calling my name. the 3rd day we went back to commerce and i was geeking pots like it was my job. At first i thought i would be scared of all the asians, but texas is so popular that massive amounts of white people were playing too. This dude who was probably about 350 lbs rolled up a chair next to me and before his checks could even get to the table, i had him all-in on his first hand. I had AA, the best fucking way to see two cards...A of spades, A of hearts. He had Q8 suited. blank board, easiest $100 i have ever made. he went all-in on 4 consecutive hands, so our table was nice and juiced up. i cashed out up $150 making my trip total: up $600 in poker. do you know how many filet mignons, clam chowders, shrimp salad sandwiches, etc you can buy with $600 extra bucks in your roll? believe me, i would need it for the baller segment of the trip.

So we get JD and the suv from the airport and roll out onto the 101. we only had a quarter between 6 potheads so we had to make it last until san fran, when our buddy pval from chico was coming in with a box of wine and a fresh bag of california headies. for those of you unfamiliar with chico, check this link and scroll down to #2. our first destination was San Louis Obispo. as soon as we left LA, the weather turned to shit. we got some good coastal driving but for the most part it sucked ass and as a result, there was not much to do in the quiet little town of obispo. one of the groups checked into a room at the Madonna Inn. the rooms are all themed and we drew the olde english room. basically all you are supposed to do in there is have wenches bring you mead in the form of OE800. not really, but it would have been nice. we spent our hard earned poker cash on one of the nastiest dinners i have ever eaten. the only bonus was the waitress was a semi-stunner. do not eat at the steak house at the madonna inn. ever. never ever. after dinner we twisted one and went into town to find the 2 pubs crawling with lots of boys, mostly hicks from california. 10 minutes later back in the room with 7 guys. awesome stop.

Next day we wake up early to see Hearst Castle. very cool spot, very scenic. i have pictures for later. from the castle you can see a huge expanse of his land and all the acres of greens leading up to the pacific ocean. truly an awesome and undescribable by words site. now you may be asking, why would anyone need a castle in America in the 1800s? well because black people can be treated like serfs too.

back onto the pacific coaster, we saw some huge fucking seals just lying around on top of each other, basking in the sun. waterfalls. cliffs. mountains. just an awesome view at any point. 50 miles into the 1, we reach a dead end. the road is closed off due to rock slides. backtrack 50 miles, onto 101 again. stop in monterrey for some grub and to walk around. mcgookey just wanted to check out the scene so instead of heading straight to san fran we stopped for dinner.

we arrive at san mateo, casa de ruland later that night. poker and beers are had by all. wish we didnt have the 7 layer nacho dip... sleeping in a curling station with amardeep and a heavy load of beans is just not ideal. had to wake up at 7am pac time to order FALCONS PLAYOFF TICKETS. the next day we rolled to Half Moon Bay and the potheads went straight to the shore, while car #1 went to the Ritz and had some scotch and fucking fish eggs trying to be ballers. if i had to do it again i would have done the exact same thing, but stayed longer. sitting on the rocks of a bay, watching the pac ocean crash right in front of us, blazed as hell.... is there anything better in life?

and from this point we rolled into san fran, into union square, westin, 29th floor starwood preferred rooms. our chico buddy did in fact get there, along with citron from az. so now our crew was 9 deep at any time.... sorry i dont have pictures, but these boys are lazy with their digi's. to be continued and finalized tomorrow....

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

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L.A. Story

So we catch the 4:20 plane from ATL to LAX. We arrive around 6 to go check out a nice blue chevy impala full size and make our way to beverly hills for the night. me and a.wild katz are headed to our first 'baller' function, one of the most star studded parties i will ever be a part of. so i better tell the background so you actually believe me. our buddy scott went to emory and now works for miramax and specifically todd phillips (production company). his roommates are matt shire (talia shire's son) and paulo who was home in canada for the holidays. talia was throwing a christmas/birthday party for another son and we were invited to go. So we roll up to the hills in a fucking taxi cab. past the bel air country club on the right, we hop out 100 feet short of the house. the line of cars is: porsche, porsche, benz, beemer, benz, bentley. it was a fucking baller party yall. and of course my slow, passive agressive southern ass was feeling mad out of place. but, the party must go on.

we get inside the crib and it is jacked up with fancy shit. 2 open bars, full catering, and a bunch of hollywoods rolling around inside. on tap was a huge bottle of bombay and of course some coppola estate family wine. here is who was at the party (in order of A-list status):

Kirsten Dunst -- looked hot. verrrry skinny in real life. but definitely still a stunner.

Mary Kate Olsen -- looked emaciated. high ass cheekbones. wish i had a true story to tell, but i was a nobody at this party :)

Jason Schwartzman -- weird dude, acted exactly the same in real life as in i heart huckabees. hot girlfriend.

Gina Gershon -- such a hot little ambiguously gay actress. she was by far the hottest woman at the party.

Simon Helberg -- now i know you have no clue who this kid is, but think Old School Pledge.... the one who probably isnt gonna get in.
As much as i wanted these 5 to be blowing lines off each others nipples, it pretty much was a tame christmas family party that we had the pleasure of being invited to. LA is fucking crazy. Everyone is either:
A) a writer
B) a producer
C) a musician
D) an actor/actress
E) wanting to be one of the above with no shot in hell

Also, the worst part about hollywood is that you have to act like you arent in the presence of some great celeb or else you look like an 'out of towner' and a 'tourist' and famous actors hate that shit at social functions. but i couldnt help it.... i was star struck. why should i have to act all nonchalant when kirsten dunst is like 2 feet away from me and she looks fucking ridiculous? anyway, the party was great and we even got a joint at the end of the night for being on such good behavior. More cali stories and pictures and (hopefully) streaming video to come.....