Hotlanta? Not This Weekend

Let me tell you a little story about the Winter Storm of 2005. Here is how ATL does. During the Spring, temperatures flex from 55-85 degrees. Hardly any rain, mostly sun and badass weather. emory yatches wear the little tanktops and skirts like the 'whore' look is right back in style. its pretty sweet. summer is nasty, where it can easily reach 90 and the humidity causes more swass than any man should experience. fall is of course nice 60-70 degree weather. and of course the winter. here is how winter works in atl. from november 1-december 15th, the temperature can fluctuate from 70 all the way down to 40. absolutely no chance of snow ever, youre more likely to get a suntan than frostbite. from december 15-jan 31, its still cold but mostly 50s and 60s while the rest of the nation gets pounded by cold. one day....thats right, one day out of the entire month of january, it actually dips below freezing and all hell breaks loose.

This weekend winter storm watchers on 11 alive news knew the ice was coming. They told the city to stay in doors, pack up on groceries. it would be sleet and freezing rain all night. shoobie knew this. in fact, when i left for a midnight poker game 25 miles outside the city, i fully expected to be driving back in ice.


You see where i come from, ice and snow is a natural expectation during the winter time. Kentucky even has these things they invested in called salt trucks. Apparently salt is something that makes the ice melt so that there arent patches of slick spots up and down the major highways. now every once in awhile it snows a foot or two and no one can get out of their driveway... but during the icy months salt is laid down on the roads.

In hotlanta, they dont even know what a salt truck is. The city literally shuts down before a single drop of snow hits the ground. The best part about atlanta drivers during ice/snow conditions is how their erratic driving skills do not change one iota. While i was driving up to fucking duluth, i had to take the 85/285 connector. (not an exact photo but you get the idea)


Here is where the lessons start for georgia drivers. Now when two highways meet, there are these things called overpasses. Overpasses are exposed to cold winds blowing above and below the roads, causing extreme freezing conditions. When it is 11 pm, the ice is usually hidden by the fact that its dark outside, hence the term 'black ice'. When you drive on a frozen overpass, you need to be extra cautious to NOT speed, NOT accelerate, stay in ONE lane, and do not TAILGATE any other cars on the road. I cannot tell you how many car crashes i passed on the way out there, driving 45 mph, trying to stay in the right lanes because of retardation going super fast in the sleet conditions.


Anyway i got to the poker game and although it was the highest stakes i have officially played for, my card playing was quite magical and by 6 am i was up 300 dollars. Unfortunately my car was covered in an inch sheet of ice so i had to sleep at serge's mommas house. (read about serge here) If I had been down $400 i would have been a pissed off little bitch, but the cash felt pretty nice rolled up in my wallet. The next afternoon things hadn't gotten any better. I had to crack my car out with a little dinky scraper... my mammoth scraper was ironically sealed shut in my trunk. after over an hour of slow pace driving to get home, i smoked a fat bowl i had been dreaming of for 12 hours, showered, and went to dinner at spentkins park.

my plan was to get totally cocked and walk home falling down on the ice every half block. unfortunately for me, my friends were giant pussies and retired to bed early. jonny was useful for about two additional drinks but by the time we skated home, he was passed out with hand down pajama pants within 20 minutes. i slid over to marietta's casa del amor for some chronic and chronic eating, and after catching saturday night live live for the first time in 2 years, peaced out and slid back home to crash. unfortunately halo 2 called my name until 4 am.

Sunday morning the ice was completely gone, leaving in its wake downed trees and power lines, millions in insurance claims for ridiculous drivers, and a cool 45 degree weather outside. Million Dollar Baby is a badass flick and i would recommend everyone go see it. bring a tissue or two if youre a female. sideways is also a great flick and makes you want to drink wine more than anything on earth. Here are a few additional shots of the WINTER STORM OF 2005! (which was more like a little ice blast but the news people have to make it sound more exciting)