Red Shoobie Diaries

So i had been talking to this little 34 year old for a few days. i of course had mlk day off like any good gov worker should and on sunday night i got a call to go to fontaines with some friends. so i had a few jack and cokes and got home around 1ish. not very exciting. then i get a call at 2 am to come over to this girls house. she lives about 10 away which is nice... intown girls are way better than otp girls. i get there and she has glasses of wine waiting. xanex bottle by the bed. she has 2 full, i have 2 full. we go to smoke a bog in her bathroom and she is so crunk drunk that she spills her glass all over the bathmat... stain city. first date, chilling on her bed, wine settles in. kisses, clothes off, my technique is picture perfect. and then the weirdest thing happens to me... she passes out. i mean, i dont think a girl has just straight up passed out when we are in the middle of shit... but i suspect it was the xanex and the 2 glasses of wine. i know my shit is pure. so now i have passed out chick, in her bed, and its 4 in the fucking morning. so while the other devils reading this blog would finish up the job and not worry about their consciences.... i flipflopped between tucking her in and skeet skeeting all over her stomach as a signature that i had left but still gotten mine too. i of course tucked her in and did one of those i had a good time last night talk to you later voice mails. crazy MLK day.
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So i met this girl out at a bar and she invited me over to play at her house one night. As far as i can remember from the first night she is hot as fuck... so i get over to her place and she is officially quite the tall glass of water that i remembered. so we are playing some drinking games, goofing around, having a good time when she offers me the tour of her apartment. anyone who has ever owned an apartment knows this just means i can't be direct enough to ask you to come into my bedroom so i am going to give you the 'wanna take a little tour' question. so i get into her bedroom and we start making out and when we get on the bed, i notice there are rubber sheets. i mean thats a little weird but whatev, i am pretty shitfaced and dont think to ask what its for. so when we are ass naked, she decides to pull out some anal beads on me. she says have you ever done this before? and i am like, well no but i would definitely put them inside you.... no no, she says she wants to try them on me. now you know when youre in a hot girls bed you do whatever the fuck she wants to do... its just one of the rules. so i let her start putting in anal beads. it feels pretty crazy and she gets about 3 in there nice and snug. then she was like: ok, you ready? i'm thinking, sure whatever... do whatever, youre hot i dont care. so she pulls out the beads all at once and what do you think happens next? i spray shit all over her bed. aha! thats what the rubber sheets are for. so i am fucking embarassed, i just shit all over the place right in the middle of this girls apartment. so you know what she does? she starts rolling in the shit on the bed. apparently she is turned on by the whole idea and has clearly done this many a time before. between the beads and the shitting and the girl rolling around in the shit, i decide i have had enough for one night. gather my clothes and run out the door ass naked. this story was actually a story a buddy of a buddy of a buddy, but it wouldnt have seemed nearly as cool if i told it in 3rd person.