Monday, January 30, 2006

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Reader Input Required

I would like this post to be full of comments of your own versions of this joke. If you have not seen the movie, go rent it today. without further ado....
(please, god of web filters, do not screen this blog at work after this post)
**update 2/1/06- for those who are in the dark over how creepy this post is, here is a little sampler of Full House's Bob Saget joke.

So a guy gets back into his office after a long weekend in vegas. his buddy coworker comes in and asks, "tell me how was your trip?" the guy says, "vegas was amazing... i danced, i drank, i gambled, and i saw the most amazing show ive ever seen in my entire life...."

A family comes on stage dressed in their shiny silver and purple outfits. its the dad, the mom, the three sons, the baby girl, and their cute little dog. they start juggling flaming batons, jumping through hoops, the whole works. then the father motions for the kids to come sit in three chairs set up on stage. the wife rips off all his clothes and starts blowing him right in front of the kids. then she changes positions and just starts tearing into his asshole with her tongue, lashing it over and over again. he goes to his first kid, rips off all the kids clothes, picks up the little dog, douses it in cocoa butter, and starts spreading it all over the kids little cock and balls. then he goes to the other 2 kids and does the same thing. after his kids are all greased up, he picks up mommy and lays her across their laps. the first son is fucking his mom, the second son is titty fucking her, and the third son is getting a blowjob. the father then proceeds to ream her asshole while pulling her hair and making the kids watch. when the dad pulls his cock out of mommys ass, the wife's pink sock is exposed. he puts the baby down and lets her play with mommys pink sock, batting it around like a little sock puppet. he then proceeds to jerk off and goes down the line spraying his little kids in the face and mouth with baby batter. the wife, stimulated by all her orifices being filled, starts to cum puddles all over the kids and the stage. the babys little tugs on her anal lining cause her to spray shit all over the babys face. after the dad is done gizzing all over the sons, mommy gets up and spreads eagle on the stage floor. the dog hops down and starts licking her shit and cumstained pussy while the little boys gather in a circle around mommy and proceed to piss and shit all over mommys hair and face. after the kids are done they start to make little snow angels on stage in the piss and shit. the father scolds them and tells them they have been bad boys. he tells the boys to kneel over their chairs and pulls out a paddle like he's going to spank them. instead he proceeds to bludgeon the kids one at a time, crushing their skull and causing blood to spatter all over the front row. he makes mommy stand up, strap on a giant dildo, and poke out their dead sons eyeballs with the rubber phallus. the dad then fucks his dead sons assholes while the mom skullfucks their eye sockets while giving each other high fives to complete the eiffel tower. with shards of skull and blood and shit and puke and cum on his dick, the father lays down on stage and directs his wife to lay the baby girls tight little asshole on top. the dog gets in on the action by licking his pukey balls clean. then the wife hovers her drenched vagina over his face, spreads her loose lips all the way around his head, and proceeds to suffocate him to death. she puts the dog in her purse, picks up her baby in one arm, bows to the audience, and exits stage left.

the coworker was shocked... he had never heard such vulgarity. finally after a few moments of awkward silence, he breaks the tension and says "holy shit, that IS the craziest show ive ever heard of.... whats it called?" the man replied, the aristocrats.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

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Calm yourself bitches, a new one is coming forth. but i had to just interrupt my own thoughts to talk to the gentlemen in the audience. today i found out something i feel like we should all be privy to. women, you can back me up on this.

when a girl decides that it is finally time to end things, or you put the stepping onto a girl, she is always left in a state of sadness and regret and abandonment and all that sappy shit. it sucks for her. bad. but check this shit out. once the girl has finished weeping and moaning and fucking about for a few days, she will 100% without a doubt do the only thing that will make her feel all better inside and forget all about you. no, she wont just delete you from her celly like in the commercials (although if she were smart, she would keep you on there for caller ID purposes). she wont eat bonbons like peggy bundy. she might have hatefucking sex with a random, but that wont make her forget all about your dumbass.

no no, it is a guarantee word is bond cross my heart and hope to die FACT that a girl will make an appointment at a spa/salon thingy and get a facial, massage, cucumber eyelid shit, etc etc. in order to forget about you forever. its like when the soap and cremes all wash away, so does the memory of you, buddy. so stop stalking and get back on the fucking horse. if women can forget you with the de-stressing of the shoulders, you can down 12 shots and start anew. that is all gentlemen. thought you should know this shit.

Friday, January 20, 2006

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Outpost of Tyranny

Holy shit. sorry i have been working my ass off for 3 straight weeks of productivity... it looks as though things will not be changing much here, bloggies might be few and far between. or they might be 3-a-days. youll just have to check for yourself... how exciting. (by the way, what does everyone think about the blog makeover? i am a CSS addict like a mufucka)

So back in the 50s and 60s, Amurrica got into a little fight with a new socialist dictator Fidel Castro. he and his rebels had taken power and since they were socialists, jfk couldnt see eye to eye with their political and social agenda. so he took a group of 1000 cuban refugees living in florida and backed them with false hope of beating castro. they were doomed to fail, but when jfk re-niged on air raids, marine backups, and a stronghold on a beach with guerilla warfare support, the rebels were killed or taken captive. since it was blatantly obvious the US was in on it, we forced castro to side with Russians for protection from the US. After the cuban missile crisis, jfk placed a big ban on cuba and basically promised to never invade again-- instead, he would just cut them financially. so no more import/export with cuba, and to further cripple this nation economically, any company who did trade goods or services with cuban companies could not deal with the US... we wouldnt accept their business. Also, US citizens could not travel to cuba unless they went through mexico or canada illegally. talk about irony. the travel ban had been off and on throughout the next 30 years, but the trade embargo was definitely on.

Although the US has begun to normalize trade with other communist countries like china and vietkong, cuban relations have not changed in 30 years. many of the cuban exiles living in florida, alarge electoral presence, have held their ground; the topic of ending the embargo is not anything current officials want to touch.

In 2000, however, a hurricane hit cuba pretty hard and because of 'humane reasons', Billy boy Clinton signed an act to relax the embargo and allow cuba to purchase food and medical aid from the US. of course, cuba would have to pay COD (cash up front, nig) and obviously they werent too pleased with this generous concession the US allowed. however, they eventually began to buy lots more imports and with the pressure of farmers and agricultural peeps in amurrica, the US exports to cuba have increased each year. importing cuban goods is still illegal and subject to fines. jimmy carter has taken the stance that we should end the embargo and repair relations with a neighbor, but bush and his pops were both anti that idea.

International criticism of the US embargo has reached near full capacity, only 4 nations out of 183 agree with the US on their longheld policy. Israel, since they suck our penis. marshall islands, which we gained in the WW2, and Palau, which brought us a great free safety for the pittsburgh steelers. not that they matter one iota, but jesse jackson and farrakhan are both anti-embargo as well. damn the man.

Anyway, the reason i bring all this up is because with the exception of the cash exports we are granting to cuba, we have never really made a concession to end the embargo.... until today. Today, for the first time in 40 years, the US has decided that they will participate on an even playing field with the cubans... on a baseball field. after applying to the World Baseball Classic, they had been denied because of the restrictions. due to pressure from puerto rico (host of the event) and the US olympic committee, and the threat from the international baseball committee to not recognize the competition, someone prodded bush's ass and he agreed to reverse the ban of cuba in the baseball tourney. Hallelujah! praise the lord.

So after 40 years of red scare, nuculur weapons threats, shutting down an entire economy, indirectly being responsible for thousands of sick and dead cubanos, decline of cuban agriculture and basic industry, jacking their small reserves of cash, freezing all cuban assets in the US, and of course never buying any cuban cigars to stick up interns twats (wink wink), we have finally decided to make one teeny tiny exception and "OK'd" Cuba's bid to play in the WBC.

damn isnt Bush the nicest guy for doing that. way to be so diplomatic. the best part about the whole situation is that even though cuba is poor and in debt to russia and totally fucked because of 40 years of ruin, bush is adamant that the only reason he OK'd this reversal was because castro would not gain any financial gains from the WBC; he is donating them TO THE US! for hurricane katrina relief. he still claims that Cuba is an "outpost of tyranny". fucking euphamisms.

now i am not saying i agree with cuba and i am not saying i agree with bushy. as a matter of fact i love to just mention this shit and then passively agressively back myself out of the conflict because i despise all politics and any discussions relating to politics. besides, i would never go to cuba and i could give a fuck if i never taste cuban whiskey or a cigar in my life. all i know is that if the US wins their schedule and Cuba wins theirs (both events doubtful), Cuba will definitely beat our squad of paycheck players. i mean, at least they want to play... our squad cant even figure out if they should be playing for the US or their 'birth country'. that is all.

Friday, January 06, 2006

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Good afternoon. i have finally cropped and topped my pics in Photoshop and can now share it with the pubelic. So the past 2 weekends have been crazy. I left Friday to drive to the ville, saw too much family, not enough friends, just enough of a casino, and plenty of mj. and reba. youre special. in a good way. choobs even sacked it up when no one else would and joined me in taking a trip out to caesars palace of love where i won and he lost. what a good friend. Then, i drove back down to Atown, worked for 2 1/2 days, then took a flight to the god damned best city in the country.

When i was a little shorty, going to summer camp with jappy bitches from long island, i basically refuted all that NYC had to offer. it was like the devil and i was proud to be back in the middle south after summer. chilled out, cool cutter kids... none of that park ave poonan. but now, every time i visit the big apple, i have a fucking kick ass time. no question. there is just soooo much to do, so little time. you can literally go to any spot, any restaurant, any concert, any time, 24-7. all the fucking time you can get to something cool. honestly i dont know how people work there, i would be playing too much for my own good.

our buddy from the ATL nascar john moved to nyc, but he was coming back to ATL for NYE to get some of the ex lady friend sexing. as a result, we opened our empty house to him and he opened his sick apartment to us. 35th floor. north moore street. TRI-BE-CA. to the west is the hudson river view, and straight ahead is the entire stretch of midtown. here is the google overhead and of course the real. hiphop.

to the left, the night view of the river.

straight ahead, tight shot

ahead, lower and midtown manhattan. is this apartment not a panty dropper?

so my flight got in late friday, like 10 pm, but no need to stay in. after convincing dbone and a.wild we should not just watch HD, we met up with all the testosterone who were boozing hard at this place called Park. it literally had a neon sign outside that looked like a 70s parking garage, but it was very dank inside. the bartenders on both floors sucked and the waitresses were non existent. so not only did you have to shell out 30 bucks on avg. per bar visit, you also had to stand there with all the popped collars and fucking mousse hair to grab a drink. typical nyc sceney bar. like sutton place, only more asian and shittier bar service. (nyc residents, how am i doin so far?)

got to see marissa, she is looking beautiful as ever. no creative similes there, but i am glad i did get to say whattup. by the end of the night i was crunk and peaced out around 2. apparently everyone else was out til 6 am at a hippie place.... but while they were hippying it up at a club, i was hippying it up back at nascar jons place. i did stop with levy and a.wild at an irish dude's pub... screevy knows the name of the place, the guy has real estate in ATL and he barely knew where it was... irish accent, says its uh, somethin new, big development...maybe uh, atlantic station? wow buddy, good work. here are the pics. boys who i know are reading this, if you email me your pictures i will throw the best ones up on here. naoum, youre the unofficial historian... get on that. in the meantime:

skanciel and jd. would anyone guess he's having the time of his life?

the next day, woke up around 1 and it was frickin freezing in nyc on new years eve day. isnt it such a production to do anything in new york if you dont know where to eat or where to go or dont know exactly how to get there. like in atlanta, you have an afternoon and you can accomplish 5 things. in nyc, you get ready to go to lunch, get to lunch, wait, eat, walk around, go take a nap. and thats just to eat one meal! ahh, but what a meal it was... after 2 hours of delaying because we were hungover shitheads, we went to get some 2nd street avenue deli. and you know what that means.... juicy, tall, heaps of new york corned beef on rye with pickles, slaw, and thousand island. d-licious.

mmm. i know you want some. followers, come to twains this sunday at 4pm and you can get a slight taste of what this is all about

so new years eve comes around and we are kinda worried skanciel wont pull it off. nyc new years events cost a lot and its like playing the lotto with your money, you never know what youre going to pull. fortunately for us, our party was awesome. raph made an awesome call to do the event, and when i am telling you it was open bar, it was fucking wide open. they had all the liquor you needed, plenty of beer, a huge bar area, and of course three drunken bartenders who were fast as shit. why would a bartender choose to be slow? the slower you are, the less you make. this boggles the mind when you think about how slow bartenders move. we had a little vip corner which eventually someone bought bottles for. there were lots of ladies. there were two levels in the club. the tunes were good. the only thing that could have helped was if you could smoke inside the club. which we did anyway. cigs and nugs.

bellend (from the caption contest) brought his bag and papers and rolled a j in the vip corner. eventually we all kinda assumed sitting positions and sparked it. within 3 minutes the bouncer was peekin around, seeing who had it. he wasnt being a dick or anything, but if he saw it that was all she wrote. we were nice and discreet, but when he turned away from us bellend tried to slip his stuff to D-pa. he gave him the nish nish, so of course bellend turns to me and is like yo hold this. not sensing any danger, i of course was like ok. no one got busted, everyone was happy, and i had some headies to recover with all day sunday. when i am telling you the night was cool, it was working out in my favor left and right.

drunken stories can be recapped in the comments section. for now, i am just gonna post these pictures and get the fuck out of here. its 5 on friday.

D-Pa is just straight ballin' VIP up in NYC

housman, why did this big bitch make me take a picture of you two?

Stanton VonGiggler shows everyone about indie ballers. Notice everyone is giving their girls the sexy eye, while he contemplates the tile pattern on the disco floor.

little do these jappy bitches know... that kid draped over them is a german! raph's newest nickname was Saurkraut... that shit is funny

obligatory overhead party shot #1

obligatory overhead party shot #2. (does anyone spot the KOC in the room?)

Hope you have a great 2006! (or 2001+5 if you're these idiots)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

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Welcome Back. Bitch.

whattup. i dont have that much time, ya see. check out the post time, its 10.30 PM. fucking night. anyway since i am at a place where i could post this picture, i figured i should give you a little new years tickle teaser and kickstart 2006 with a funny picture caption contest. this guy is a cool kid, so the more spicy the roast the better. i signed my life away to corporate america so its hard to post at work. perhaps my new years resolution should be to waste precious real life minutes on this crap ass beelog. perhaps not. i have a long one comin, i just have to find the time. so without further ado, Caption Contest 2006 begins. (i'll start.)

nice purse, McGay.
Bellend is so whipped that he got caught holding a chick's purse in the middle of NYC...