Tuesday, November 29, 2005

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Caption Contest

well, in an effort to tease you to come back in 2 hours, i am throwing up a Maxim style Caption Contest. (in other words, mine sucks and i would like to hear if there's any creative fuckers out there)

a little 8 year old boy called, he wants his cereal box back

ps-- for the record, i hate cheerios now. loved em as a kid, hate em now.

Monday, November 28, 2005

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Paradisus Lost

Well, i am back from our lovely closest territorial neighbor Puerto Rico. i guess i shouldnt say lovely... the parts that we drove through to get to paradise looked like a hurricane had blown through. half the tiendas were selling doors and windows, the other tacos y burritos. i have been to puerto rico before, done the toury thing, had lots of sex, saw the fort... this was a way different trip. ya see, my dads fam is from good ol' southern luuvul kentucky. they are a humble mix of jews, the small things in life please them. my mom's side is from jersey; the rest of that fam lives in boston, cambridge and lexington for those familiar. they are fucking big ass ballers and my aunt would only arrange for the best premium shit for a family vacation of 15. i mean we only do it once every 5 years so you can imagine, she gets the bang for my grandfather's buck.

the name of the place is paradisus. after further research, they are a big chain of badass hotels all over foreign countries. here is our specific one. for those of you who dont click on links, click on it because it was a sick nasty place and quite the delectable website. anyway, let me describe my basic routine for any given day.

this is the front shot of the hotel

9:00 am - Sun pours into window; sleep is futile. go into free mini bar and grab OJ. smoke stog on porch in bath robe, which i never use. throw on shorts and head for breakfast.

9:30 am - eat whatever you want, drink whatever you want. this includes bloody marys, egg omelettes, fruit bar, weird ass puerto rican pigs in blankets, gross bagels.

10:00 am - grab ipod, apply minimal lotion, go to pool. while at pool, grab bottles of water, daquiri, pina colada, rum n coke, whatever drink you want. whenever. maybe take a little dip, maybe not. maybe read a little, ehh... better to listen to tunes and look at the muff walking around all over the place.

one of the biggest pools i have ever seen... puerto ricans need baths too, ya know

1:00 pm - grab lunch. wraps, sandwiches, steak, chicken, whatever you want. any kind of drinks. start boozing now, what the hell do you care. martinis. wine. crown and coke. kettle one on the rocks. FUCKING UNLIMITED BEVERAGES! sick.

4:00 pm - it starts raining like florida, off and on. go into room and curl until dinner.

6:00 pm - dinner. top shelf liquor. hibachi. turkey and dank sweet potatoes, gravy. steak. surf and turf. sick.

9:00 pm - start boozing. just imagine the possibilities. sun + free booze + big fancy lounge + dumbass girls away from their parents + beach + pool + anything you want. i wont say i didnt do anything illegal in puerto rico. but my dooshie cousin and i decided not to tell anyone and that would technically include all of you. also, there was a casino but it was so carney... puerto ricans speaking in spanish at the card table? are you kidding? if you wanna see this next fucking card you better stop speaking fucking sputnik.

3:00-5:00 am - crawl back to bed, spent. repeat.
things you should now know about the world:
- i am the shade of black like dr. dre or run from run's house.
- i love and hate places like that, where everyone is a spoiled little bitch.
- my mom loves it. my sister hates it. my sister hates my mom.
- there are cool kids from long island, you just have to search long and hard to find them.
- with the exception of wes barton, all kids (especially girls) who grow up in westchester are going to be cunts throughout their lives.
- i met miss alabama, and she was a fucking stunna chick.
- "mota" is the spanish slang for pot
- our mota in the US is way better than the dirt these puerto ricans sling
- it is true, puerto ricans love to park cars on lawns no matter where they are
- if you try to dance with a puerto rican man's wifey, it is 50/50 that a blade will be held to you
- puerto ricans love slapstick comedy. flops like the late 90's steve martin and chevy chase are hilarious to them. throw pies, hit people over the head, bang your foot in a door. HILARIOUS!
- church's chicken and puerto rico go hand in hand, no joke.
- mike vick will be in the playoffs this year, and we will win whether home or away.
bad segway? kiss my ass. how sick did vick look on turkey day? he didnt even have to play in the 4th quarter, just kick back those shiny shoes and watch the raw talent go. i have a conspiracy theory here for the falcons fans... mora put schaub out there not only because it was 27-0 but also because they want a national television audience (read: other coaches) to see the kid so they can trade him off for the highest bidder. like baltimore. or oakland. or arizona. comments?

you know that feeling when you get back from vacation and you get into work and you look around and you wonder, was the vacation surreal or is this surreal and you need to get the fuck out of here and wander the earth like jesus or jules from pulp fiction or mike coren. i mean my place looks like the scene from the matrix when neo gets the phone call from morpheus to trust him and do what he says. then he dots around cubes and under desks to escape reality. he worked in a cube farm, i would say i am in more of a cube rice paddy. still cubes, just not a whole slew of them lined up in one huge room. let me debate this and get back to you.

i am peacing out of town this weekend too. my destination is to west hartford, connecticut. football game, swilly, boozing, debauchery, cold weather, indian casinos, and maybe(?) vagina. hopefully i will have more goodies this week. peace.

Friday, November 18, 2005

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The Great Amurrican Smokeout

when asked what he was going to do today, the great napoleon dynamite responded, whatever i wanna do gosh! mortals, understand that i am busy as a mother fucker at work. you should see the vb.net code going on over here....its insane. when i am not at work, i am imbibing and inhaling massive bubbler rips and abusing tivo and my ipod. i cannot just come up with crafty shit all day long at work, then write about it. i can also not remember all the crafty shit i think of when doing the latter activity. ergo, i got nothin. when a wicked smaat person such as myself cannot think of new and inspiring shit to talk about, what does he need most? vagina? well, yes. but the 2 arent intertwined. a permanent trip out west? well, yes... but i am a sucker for the guaranteed paycheck. a temporary trip to the 51st state in our union? well, yes...but its not tuesday yet.

thats right, shoobs is finally catching a long needed vacation to puerto rico. home of paul mcculloch-otero from mctyeire 3rd, rosie perez, benicio del toro, and jorge posada. its an all-inclusive open bar tab casino pool beach fly bitches resort. talk about my favorite things of all time. i am sure i will have mad shit to b-log about when i get back sunday the 27th.
the big news going around the .gov is the new federal smokeout! policy. the other day the unions gave in to hefty bargaining agreements, as well as a health conscious shift from Dr. G herself, putting a smoke-free policy in place here. as a result, everyone still fucking smokes outside. its very secretive now though, people arent sure where to go or what to do. most continue to hit up the giant smoking booth with 2 ashtrays, but you never know when the man might come and getcha. problem is that half 'the man' smokes cigs out there too.

does anyone else think its kind of weak that a business can force the employees to not smoke? all the politicos who are enraged by .gov guiding life choices speak up! because i dont have a political arguing bone in my body.... all i know is, its fucking lame to put signs and balloons like this up all over the place when i am walking into work:

The Great American Smokeout!

in other news, the one weekend my dad comes to town and i would have had nothing to do saturday morning, this event comes along. the sacrifices i make for people...

click picture if you want to win $10,000 AND dont suck at madden

anyway thats about it. if you want to read something kinda funny (not to toot my own horn), i am currently having a 'comment war' with some uppity mom who cares what i think about her leash kid. anyone who wants to have fun can comment, i dont think she knows what the hell my bloggoals are about.

this picture looks like crap, but it was dwellis's turn to yack last friday night... mine was the neighbors parking lot the weekend before. thrice. splattery too.

have a great thanksgiving! turkey for you, turkey for me.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

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The Lost South Park Episode

How funny would the following plot be. FOX is coming to film an all new season of a reality show in South Park, Colorado. They will be holding tryouts for Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy. a bunch of families go in for the interviews and of course, kyles mom, stans mom, kennys mom, and cartmans mom are selected as the moms who are supposed to be switched.

1. so cartmans mom goes to stans house.
2. stans mom goes to kennys house.
3. kennys mom goes to kyles house.
4. kyles mom goes to cartmans house.

What would happen if 'Wife Swap' came to South Park?

First off, i think they could do a few scenes where its like the confessional booth in Real World. the moms get to spout off and punk the kids, and the kids can talk shit about the new parent situation. also, the boys would definitely get into a fight over 'your mom' jokes. family reunion dinner at the end would somehow be ruined by cartman. and of course, the scenes inside the houses....

Stans House ==> everything is pretty normal at first. cartmans mom bakes stan and shelley cookies, a lot. and cheesey poofs. she cleans and is very obedient to Randy, the engineer. but then night comes, and mrs. cartman turns into a naughty naughty girl. she persuades randy to let her tie him in leather, etc. she invites other south park characters over for the marsh family gangbang. im tellin you, mrs. cartman would just be naughty but it would all be captured on film.

Kennys House ==> with kennys mom not around to yell and scream and cuss him out, and the dad off drinkin and working all the time, kenny becomes a clean straight-a student and starts turning his life around. he enters all kinds of new sports and academic challenges. including a science fair, where he is killed by his own project.

Kyles House ==> kyle gets the worst of this deal. he and his dad and baby brother are freaked out by this crazy white trash redneck. kyles neurosis gets way worse without the presence of his jewish mom. he is constantly bashing reality tv and fox for what they have done to his family's core values, etc etc. he turns to drinking with his dad, who now also plays the lotto and beats his new wife.

Cartmans House ==> this would be the funniest part of the sketch. imagine mrs. brovlosky stuck in a house alone with cartman who is a jew hating nazi promoting crafty little fucking fat 8 year old. it might be condoned as slightly ripped off family guy, but cartman would devise crafty ways of punishing jews and specifically kyles mom, who he hates so very much. also it would be good to see the mother son conflict when cartman asks his new mom to get him some pie and milk cuz he is too lazy to get off his fat ass. no jewish mother would ever let cartman treat her the way he treats his real mom.

im tellin you all, funny ass shit.

Arm Candy

(i am working on a spicy 2nd post, just bare with me.. hehe, bare.)

Soo you were invited to your cousins mothers sisters (your mom, right?) 25 year anniversary party. and the party is apparently going to blow the doors off your bar mitzvah (12 years, 2 days ago) there are going to be mad important people in the room in terms of your currur; guys you need to talk to for a little bit about job stuff but you want to soften their eyes a little bit. maybe knock back a few before you head over there and schmooze your fucking head off for the next 35 minutes. now when you normally go to these things, your jappy jewish mother is always like 'you can bring anyone you want'. read: where the fuck is a girlfriend?! but you really dont have one. i mean you want one, there just arent any chilled out cool ones biting at your bait ya know. but this particular party requires a date. lets say theres some datey activities during the party and maybe the brunch the next day that you have to have a chicky in tow. what do you do?

now you dont have to worry, partner. there is this concept that i was recently made aware of and have just fictionalized in the above story. thats right, if a situation pops up where you basically have to have a date and she has to act like a girlfriend even if she isnt, you need to get yourself some 'arm candy'. its the new eye candy, except you get to touch and parade around and pretend for a day. the only reason i heard this term is because my hot coworker said it and i think its funny as shit.

there are girls out there who would be a good friend and go as your date just so you can show her off to other boys. they know they're hot, you know they're hot, and they want everyone else to know that you know that they're hot. and that, dear readers, is a new term you can sling around your IM convos. more to come shortly.

Friday, November 04, 2005

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Mandatory Friday Post

I mean it when i say blogging is just not comin easy these days. i am so frickin busy at work busting my ass for these damn indians who refuse to follow the government code of being lackadaisical and continue their hard-working approach to any task. as a result i am learning a lot about vb.net and css stylesheets and all that crap, cant follow pop culture news nearly as closely.

last night i played poker again and cashed out up 55 on 50 bucks buy-in. i just played solid poker and was able to pull a win. so that makes my total for this game 2/2 for 305 bucks. not bad to make 1000% interest on your investments. i stone cold bluffed twice, for medium size pots... that makes me even more wet than doubling up with all-ins on AA.

along the lines of my winning personality, i also got to catch the traditional thursday night espn louisville cardinals home game... against dave wannstedt and his pitiful pitt crew. the line was -21 and the ville was up 15 with 9:45 on the clock. they proceeded to run 18 plays for 80 yards, 9 minutes, and of course the completely unnecessary rushing td at the end... causing me to jump and shout for the luckiest bet win ever. i mean swings like that happen a few times a week in vegas, its always good to be on the W side of that column.

monday was of course the annual office halloween party. if any of you are watching one of the funniest shows on tv, nbc's office, you can relate to the fact that my party was held in our conference room like last year and was just as fucking pathetic and boring as ever. i guess thats just how we roll here...

from left to right, thats avian flu, cowboy, star wars, and a 65-year old teabag

LAAAAME! i did not receive a cupcake last year....

in other news i decided to 'table' my halloween costume idea for a year when i have more jewfro working for myself.... i just couldnt do justice to krusty the clown or ben wallace from the pistons. instead my idiot roomie who ordered a costume next-day delivery on october 29 that never came, forced me into the 10-years aged beavis and butthead. i guess it turned out pretty well.

of course what would a party be without dirty 80s rockers and a few indie hipsters.

and a little hetero-erotic fun

what?! so i like babys nipples... so what! at least im not r kelly.

and thats basically all ive got. next friday i get off for veterans day, which is more than i can say for the majority of my homies. gonna take my 60 in winnings and line up 10 shots of petron tonight at neighbors for this chickies bday. corned beef sunday is officially so on. and dont worry, you wont miss your atlanta falcons taking it to miami on the road 31-13. (they have sunday ticket..and shuffleboard!)

oh shit i forgot! paulie just bitched about getting unsolicited devil666-ticketmaster emails about upcoming ripoff shows you can buy tix for. however, i had to click on this link to truly find out what the "1st Annual Dirty Awards" were for $50. you can see for yourself.

have a great fucking weekend! go falcons. run dunn run! check vicklantasy for fantasy updates.