Well, i am back from our lovely closest territorial neighbor Puerto Rico. i guess i shouldnt say lovely... the parts that we drove through to get to paradise looked like a hurricane had blown through. half the tiendas were selling doors and windows, the other tacos y burritos. i have been to puerto rico before, done the toury thing, had lots of sex, saw the fort... this was a way different trip. ya see, my dads fam is from good ol' southern luuvul kentucky. they are a humble mix of jews, the small things in life please them. my mom's side is from jersey; the rest of that fam lives in boston, cambridge and lexington for those familiar. they are fucking big ass ballers and my aunt would only arrange for the best premium shit for a family vacation of 15. i mean we only do it once every 5 years so you can imagine, she gets the bang for my grandfather's buck.
the name of the place is paradisus. after further research, they are a big chain of badass hotels all over foreign countries. here is our specific one. for those of you who dont click on links, click on it because it was a sick nasty place and quite the delectable website. anyway, let me describe my basic routine for any given day.
this is the front shot of the hotel
9:00 am - Sun pours into window; sleep is futile. go into free mini bar and grab OJ. smoke stog on porch in bath robe, which i never use. throw on shorts and head for breakfast.
9:30 am - eat whatever you want, drink whatever you want. this includes bloody marys, egg omelettes, fruit bar, weird ass puerto rican pigs in blankets, gross bagels.
10:00 am - grab ipod, apply minimal lotion, go to pool. while at pool, grab bottles of water, daquiri, pina colada, rum n coke, whatever drink you want. whenever. maybe take a little dip, maybe not. maybe read a little, ehh... better to listen to tunes and look at the muff walking around all over the place.
one of the biggest pools i have ever seen... puerto ricans need baths too, ya know
1:00 pm - grab lunch. wraps, sandwiches, steak, chicken, whatever you want. any kind of drinks. start boozing now, what the hell do you care. martinis. wine. crown and coke. kettle one on the rocks. FUCKING UNLIMITED BEVERAGES! sick.
4:00 pm - it starts raining like florida, off and on. go into room and curl until dinner.
6:00 pm - dinner. top shelf liquor. hibachi. turkey and dank sweet potatoes, gravy. steak. surf and turf. sick.
9:00 pm - start boozing. just imagine the possibilities. sun + free booze + big fancy lounge + dumbass girls away from their parents + beach + pool + anything you want. i wont say i didnt do anything illegal in puerto rico. but my dooshie cousin and i decided not to tell anyone and that would technically include all of you. also, there was a casino but it was so carney... puerto ricans speaking in spanish at the card table? are you kidding? if you wanna see this next fucking card you better stop speaking fucking sputnik.
3:00-5:00 am - crawl back to bed, spent. repeat.
things you should now know about the world:
- i am the shade of black like dr. dre or run from run's house.
- i love and hate places like that, where everyone is a spoiled little bitch.
- my mom loves it. my sister hates it. my sister hates my mom.
- there are cool kids from long island, you just have to search long and hard to find them.
- with the exception of wes barton, all kids (especially girls) who grow up in westchester are going to be cunts throughout their lives.
- i met miss alabama, and she was a fucking stunna chick.
- "mota" is the spanish slang for pot
- our mota in the US is way better than the dirt these puerto ricans sling
- it is true, puerto ricans love to park cars on lawns no matter where they are
- if you try to dance with a puerto rican man's wifey, it is 50/50 that a blade will be held to you
- puerto ricans love slapstick comedy. flops like the late 90's steve martin and chevy chase are hilarious to them. throw pies, hit people over the head, bang your foot in a door. HILARIOUS!
- church's chicken and puerto rico go hand in hand, no joke.
- mike vick will be in the playoffs this year, and we will win whether home or away.
bad segway? kiss my ass. how sick did vick look on turkey day? he didnt even have to play in the 4th quarter, just kick back those shiny shoes and watch the raw talent go. i have a conspiracy theory here for the falcons fans... mora put schaub out there not only because it was 27-0 but also because they want a national television audience (read: other coaches) to see the kid so they can trade him off for the highest bidder. like baltimore. or oakland. or arizona. comments?
you know that feeling when you get back from vacation and you get into work and you look around and you wonder, was the vacation surreal or is this surreal and you need to get the fuck out of here and wander the earth like jesus or jules from pulp fiction or mike coren. i mean my place looks like the scene from the matrix when neo gets the phone call from morpheus to trust him and do what he says. then he dots around cubes and under desks to escape reality. he worked in a cube farm, i would say i am in more of a cube rice paddy. still cubes, just not a whole slew of them lined up in one huge room. let me debate this and get back to you.
i am peacing out of town this weekend too. my destination is to west hartford, connecticut. football game, swilly, boozing, debauchery, cold weather, indian casinos, and maybe(?) vagina. hopefully i will have more goodies this week. peace.