Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

Well she's not dead, she is moving into a new house.... either way, she's out of work and im back to my old skancy routine. blogs are imminent.

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs?

This post is more of a landmark accomplishment than anything else... and that is, i finished my first book of the "shoobie's random summer reading" list. books and i are friends... i mean there have been times in my life when book and beer fought a galactic duel; problem is la cerveza always wins that one. But after high school and college semesters were over, i would rekindle my relationship with a good book (or 15- one summer i worked at a pool). it wasnt until i had cash of my own to distribute to books that i started really reading for my pleasure and not anyone else's.

That being said, I just read one of the best easy-reading knocks on today's pop culture. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs was written by this dude Chuck Klosterman who is a nerdy introverted music knowledge god and also completely 'in the know' about all things pop. He is about 8 years older than i am, so some of his 80s teen stuff doesnt really parallel. But his sarcastic and realistic out of the box perspectives of our existence is something everyone should read.

i hope its not copyright infringement if you gank passages from a book on your blog.....
Chuck Klosterman on:

John Cusack blowing
"I can't fathom how he isnt the number-one-box-office star in America, because every straight girl i know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker....They dont love John Cusack. They love Lloyd Dobler. When they see Mr. Cusack they are still seeing the optimistic, charmingly loquacious teenager he played in Say Anything... this is why i will never be completely satisfied by a woman, and this is why the kind of woman i tend to find attractive will never be satisfied by me. we will both measure our relationship against the prospect of fake love."

The Sims
"...My SimChuck was still there, frozen in space, hungry and tired and gesturing like a madman, covered in piss....a confused little guy still waiting for a reason to live. i clicked on 'free will' and SimChuck was emancipated. I watched him take a shower and crawl into bed for the next fourteen hours. and then i did the same."

The Real World
"Once youve been on TV, nothing else matters. If Flora from Miami wrote the 21st century version of Anna Karenina, she'd still be known as the loud-mouthed bitch who fell through the bathroom window. Almost a dozen ex-Real Worlders have pursued careers in music, all with a jump-start from MTV. None have succeeded; their combined sales would be dwarfed by Arrested Development's live album....it appears the highest residual success one can achieve from a Real World stint is that of being asked to compete in a Real World/Road Rules challenge. all these people are forever doomed to the one-dimensional qualities that made them famous nobodies. the idea that they could do anything else seems impossible"

there are more knocks on all kinds of things from punk rock to saved by the bell, and country music to pam anderson. this dude writes essays like they are streams of consciousness, but on an incredibly sardonic intelligent level. its a $13 paperback, just go fucking buy it. have i convinced you enough?

(i will also be putting Tokey Books on the sidebar ---> )
(can anyone thing of something that sounds cooler than tokey books)

My Au Pair Can Kick Your Au Pair's Ass

First off, i just want to say that my preferred method of greeting acquaintences is to give the "fist knock" whattup... it is way more sanitary than the "open hand" whattup, especially if you give it to the rasta-british-garbage guy at work.

This weekend was filled with a variety of fun and middies events. I met a cool, tan, sexy, funny, nose-studded j who smokes buds. life is on the up and up. i also went to 2 strip clubs (pony was way too packed) closing out "the oasis" off peachtree industrial and then rendezvousing with said j for some bingers. i also met up with shannon and despite the fact that her new boy is a big tool, she is awesome to booze with. i guess when she wants a jboy who is nice 100% of the time instead of 50-50, she knows where to get her cuddle on.
===========================
Which brings me to the emory party i attended on saturday night. 'emory' in that everyone there attended emory, but most of them are actually graduated. (minus my boy dwellis, lord of trichomes) this is a conversation i ACTUALLY heard.

[i start to pay attention around this part....]
boy: i was born in singapore since my dad used to do business over there. actually my au pair was in town last week and visited our family.
girl: thats awesome. i havent seen my au pair but i have very distinct memories of her growing up.
boy: indeed.
boy2: your what?
girl: his au pair, like the nanny.
[silence]

boy2 had never heard of this concept, which is ridiculous. everyone watched either Mary Poppins or Bedknobs and Broomsticks growing up. i guess the stereotypical au pair is a 50-60ish british chick who is hired by a rich waspy family to watch the children while they are out making a killing in the chimney sweep industry.

nowadays however, you hear the term au pair tossed around like lil kim at a snoop dogg wrap party. parents who both have sick jobs that require hours of work until late in the evening, sometimes travelling during the week for days at a time. single mother families who cleaned out the ex-husband and can afford such luxuries while she is off sewing her wild oats. 10% of new england. all these groups require some additional child raising services.

for the families who dont want to involve a 3rd party in their child rearing, however, there are plenty of options. i remember when i was in elementary school they had this program called "latch key kids". they gave you a giant fucking sign and piece of yarn to throw your key around your neck so you wouldnt lose it. thats a good idea... tell every sicko fuck in america that youll be home alone without parents for a little while. here's a fun stat!

Seven and a half million children in the United States between ages 5 and 14 are latchkey kids, according to the National Institute on Out-of-School-Time. Research confirms that kids are less likely to get into trouble when a responsible adult is watching them. In a study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, researchers found that eighth graders who are unsupervised more than 10 hours a week are about 10 percent more likely to try marijuana, and twice as likely to smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol, as eighth-graders who are not unsupervised during the week.

well i guess this survey doesnt lie. my sister is the latchkey statistic of the year candidate for that one. i was too concerned with nintendo and how to beat contra with at least 10 lives left.

anyway, i digress. the point is, when i was growing up in the south no one had a nanny. at least mom or dad were still making it home before dinner to be with the kids. my cousins in boston are a different story... half the kids in their nice private schools have nannies. most celebrity children have them. personally i dont ever foresee my kiddos having the nanny thing.... i am almost hoping my wife is the breadwinner so i can chill with the little fuckers and take them to teeball practice and shit.

as much fun as it would have been to sing and dance and frolick around the backyard, my little shoobies will not be singing supercalifragilisticexpialisuckmyballs.

Muzak Review + FREE CONCERTS?

as you all know, music is right up there in my 'most favorite shit to do' category. i drew a picture to make this easier. priorities go top --> bottom.


i decided to drop $75 bones and check out MM2K5 this year. thats what the kids are calling it, anyway. despite heavy heavy 8 hour monsoon dumping rain on saturday, i had a stupendous time. shots of makers mark and jack daniels were said to be the root of the fubar attitude, accompanied by long hits of the sticky icky when it cleared up for the 5-minute smoking window.

the mini ciggy oney was clogged the entire course of the 2-day festival. the downside is that we couldnt take little dinky hits that wouldnt do us any good. the up side is of course that bowls were scattered all throughout the crowds and i had to make friends with several 30ish men by offering to pack their next bowl for them. this of course gives them the opportunity to include me in their current session, as well as be included in my session after. everyones happy, no one gets arrested, and we are all still fricking freezing mr bigglesworth.

so here is a rundown of the groups i saw:
The Game - 107.9 jermaine dupri stage
Counting Crows - 96 rock stage
Robert Randolph & the family band - 96 rock stage
Keane - 99x stage
Common featuring Kanye West - 107.9 jermaine dupri stage
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - 96 rock stage


robert randolph won 'the best band i hadnt heard of' award
looking at it now, it seems like i only scratched the surface of the 80+ bands that were there, but with any 3-day 6-stage festival youre going to have double bookings. white stripes vs. counting crows. the pixies vs. tom petty. slick rick vs. def leppard. they assume that fans of one wouldnt want to see the other, but i would have loved to see twice as many bands. just not enough time. not enough time. the kanye west guest appearance made my night, and he and common freestyled some nasty shit together, as well as a few kanye dropout album songs.

moving on.... there was this thing called zooma tour (www.zoomatour.com) that was supposed to take place at hi-fi buys. unfortunately it was cancelled due to lack of sales. personally i was just waiting to see if i was going to be here or if new bands were being added, i was 100% buying a ticket and i assume tons of other people are the same way. so it seems that after MM2K5 my music festivals are completely done for the summertime. chastain is sold out and kind of a joke in terms of concerts. most of the other bands played the 'roo. free concerts in centennial were cancelled...... OR WERE THEY?!

although the locale has changed (to promote new areas of town), 99X has just announced that the free concert series is back in full effizl this summer! Check out the bands that have been signed so far:

The Schedule: (99x.com)
July 9th	Cake	Stereophonics	The Caesars
July 16th	Weezer	The Bravery	The Dead 60's
July 23rd	TBD
July 30th	Ben Folds
August 6th	Chevelle	Seether	Crossfade
August 13th	Garbage
And More Bands To Be Announced Soon!

i love when they say more bands to be announced soon. that definitely includes blues traveler, why dont they just say it. cowboy mouth would be sweet. some of the classic groups from summer series past like jack johnson/g love would make me nut. i look forward to seeing you all there.... ITS FREE! (i just paid 50 for a weezer show a few weeks ago) and of course i look forward to finally showing up at underground atlanta after its been open for almost 6 months.

last comment-- what the fuck is the deal with hi-fi buys ampitheater? i mean, its the only huge outdoor venue, it has a huge tailgating parking lot, it used to host sooooo many concerts every year, and now it is just a fucking junker in the middle of nowhere south end atlanta. who is their booking agent? and why the fuck doesnt he book someone?! (same applies for earthlink live)

recognize a real don when you see one, sippin on booze in the house of blues.

Boxing and Who the Fuck Knows

So this weekend my main man Mike Tyson is fighting on showtime. how come i feel like both of these concepts should have stayed in the 90s. hbo is the new showtime. experts predict an easy fight for tyson to make his way back into the boxing scene at the ripe age of 39. as long as they dont give him a microphone to spit his ridiculous shit i think well be ok. "imma gut him like a fish" was the latest outburst, although theres probably webpages dedicated to ridiculous mike tyson phrases. yup, that was easy.

the only reason i bring up big mike is because last night i saw the dank flick, Cinderella Man. despite the fact that renee zellweger makes quagmire go flaccid, she did a pretty good job convincing the audience that she was fucking poor as shit. russell crowe with a boston accent was a stretch, but the surround sound punching, asskicking, and general body blows were worth it. also apparently there was a jewish boxer champ back in the day max baer. never heard of him but i'm a huge fucking fan. it was just a great flick and i would recommend it in this time of rain.

since i am not blogging today until 4 pm due to the fact that work sucks, i am probably the last one to talk about the music capital of the world this weekend. music midtown, vibefest, and a not too far off bonnaroo. i shall be attending the weakest mm known to man. all the dank bands are in a far off tennessee (not that far) where range rovers and shrooming fills the air. i just cant hack it anymore.

i just had this weird feeling of deja vu. i mean after a year of a blog the events kind of repeat and i just played fucking repeater for 3 paragraphs. fuck me. its 4:20 and i am fucking leaving.

I Guess I'll Be Taking the Crazy Pill

For a few months now, i have had a little thing on the sidebar ---> regarding music midtown being $75. of course they have to go and announce four days before the event that my favorite band will be closing out friday night. so i guess i'll be taking the crazy pill and attending my 4th music midtown. is anyone else going? holler at me if i know you.

Typically if you dont see a blog on here it means that i am completely lost for any creative and innovative thought that morning. I basically refuse to blog from home since the whole point of this thing is to do it when i have nothing better to do. yesterday i had one all set in my mind to go... and then brazilian she-man nixed that by forcing me to do almost 6 hours of work in the 8 hour day. fucking cunt!
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when i was a senior in high school, i had a buddy named philly who was a raging boozer and a misunderstod misogynist. his momma raised him right and he was a big virgin. i say this as if i ever got laid in high school... i guess the difference is i would have had sex with whoeva and he was actually trying to save the v card. one night at a party, philly went off with this whore of a girl (**100% of high school cheerleaders are whores in ky-- hi caryn!) and started getting butt ass naked in his car. sure he'd take a blowjob but thats about as far as it went.... but this time philly was fucking hammered yall. this girl wanted his inches pretty bad so she basically climbed on top of him and pinned his legs down, hovered her vaj over him and laid the pipe right in there. when it first went deep philly finally figured out that he was officially fucking this girl and he was actually saying 'no, no, stop.' did the girl stop? shit no, you know how these women are when they want something and they dont give a fuck how they get it. she continued to fuck him and technically, my boy philly was raped.

now this would have been pretty serious except for a) philly lied about girls a lot, and b) its pretty funny to think of a girl raping a guy. not funny in that haha way, just the fact that society paints men as agressive sex hungry felons and women as the innocent sweethearts sitting on their tuffets.

i of course have another story. one of my buddies from beantown (lets call him keef) was a fucking crazy little freshman in college. i had to sneak him into the frat because his gpa wouldnt even cut it. apparently (2nd hand source here) keef was at a little date party one night and there was a girl on the bus who was hungry for some dick again. she asked my buddy swilly if there was a little hot freshman around. now if you meet this girl for 2 seconds you know she was insinuating making him into her little vibrating sex toy that night, ala jabba the hut. she is just straight naughty. so when swilly volunteered keef's dick, keef was so hammered he didnt even know what kind of transaction had just taken place. all he knew was a semi attractive long islander was dragging him back to his room, ripping off all his clothes when she arrived on futon, and literally forcing her puss onto his dick. the kid didnt even know who she was, and she didnt give a fuck who he was. all she knew was that she wanted to basically rape a young, unaware, unable to make responsible decisions, hammered little catholic kid because she could.

the other night i was at neighbors with keef and co. then another crew that i have been chillin with arrived with this girl in tow. i have been friends with both parties for awhile and had never heard this story until i hugged the girl when she got there and my boy keef booked to the bathroom to avoid awk.

i guess i have to be honest here. before this weekend i figured the concept of a girl raping a guy was total bullshit. but thats because from my perspective, if a girl dragged me home wasted and fucked me silly i dont think i would mind. it helps that the 2 girls in the stories are cute. but i mean come on bra, you have to be basically blacked out to not realize your dick is getting hard and now it is in a moist yummy serving of strawberry shortcake. still both stories are similar and validated by the fact that neither guy would have had sex with their respective girls had they been sober. so bloggy readers: can a girl rape a guy or not?

Apologize

i apologize if i come off a little inconsiderate i got the bubble kush and a sista can get a hit of it.

Apologies for the seemingly absent blog that is supposed to be at this url. i have been in Crystal training for twerk and as you can tell by the previous post, my new coworker-who-has-a-higher-pay-grade has decided to make my life a working hell.

crystal is a software package used to do reporting services on data. absolutely useful if youre a programmer and completely not important if youre just cruising by this site looking up words like 'schlong', 'big schlong', 'derby boobies', or any other of the freaky things people are googling these days.

- my trainers name is harry wood. it was 2:17pm before i realized that this was hilarious. thats how fucking exhausting it is.
- corned beef sunday is this sunday! at twains in decatur at 4pm. for the love of god, if you know anything about good meat or nyc deli or anything else, you would show up.
- on another note, this weekend looks to be jam packed with bachelor party activities. i heard blondie might even be involved, along with countless other deputants at the fine establishment: pink pony.
- ricky williams might finally un-retire? i thought i already took care of that shit.
- ray lewis is out of jail but enrolling in a halfway house. maybe i can be his chronic connex while he is in town. i mean i have sucked dick for cocaine, has he ever sucked dick for some marijuana?
- go karl! and go dwayne wade!
- dan kolb blows his seventeenthish save this season. his record is an incredible 1-7
- thank jesus for payday fridays
- have a great fucking weekend.

HAPPY ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY VICKLANTA!! youre so witty and funny!
(so...when do i get laid for my blog, i heard thats when you know youve made it)