Friday, August 06, 2004

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Retire Already!!

Well blogjockers, its friday. i dont understand why people in the city dont go to cool events for 5 dollars on friday nights downtown in centennial and instead just go to neighbors and bitch about the city of atlanta being a drag. blues traveler is my 1st destination tonight, from there who knows. hit me up in cellyville if you want in.

So I was strolling around on google news looking for some funny shit to write about, when i see about 5 stories that all tie into the same theme. And that theme is retirement. First off, the people who did retire but shouldnt have this week.

Ricky Williams shocked the sports world this week when he announced that he was retiring early at the age of 27. he obviously had many years left to play. most of the sports media pinned it on Williams failing two tests for marijuana use. although he is the slipperiest running back in the NFL, he was on his way to hall of fame status when he just decided to drop trow and jet. yesterday he of course said he would come out of retirement-- for the oakland raiders. he claims its an offensive coordinator who used to coach him. i personally think its all about the pull of the california kushy. its got a smooth piney taste, much better than the mids he was getting in florida. (mad shout outs to sensei xtreme)

Smarty Jones, almost-hopeful this year for the triple crown, was retired citing bone bruises and injuries. "Ya i mean, it was crazy. i was just minding my own business, eating my oats, when i stepped on this stray cat living around the barn. he just would not shut the fuck up, hissing and meowing, clawing at me.... i had to do what any horse would do, drop kick the cat clear out of the barn. needless to say, the whole event messed with me real bad." his booking agent had this to say-- "i mean, he's only 3 years old, seems kind of like a cop out. i'm not one to call people pussies, but smarty jones--what a pussy!"

And now moving on to the people who should DEFINITELY RETIRE ALREADY!

Madonna announced today that she is opening up a $22 million school for Kabbalah in nyc. it is for children and educates them about the esoteric blah blah.... madonna, you are not jewish. like, at all. stop fronting. also, stop going on tour to promote your shitty new songs and stop changing your image every 3 weeks. stop singing. stop writing childrens picture books. the sex book called, it wants its old madonna back.

Brian Wilson announced today that he would launch a US tour. He has already been playing in Euro to 'packed' clubs. Jesus christ man, you are a legend in the pop music world. everyone sympathizes with your afflictions. but please stop touring. you were a revolution in the 60s, but its 2004. your time is up.

Stephen Hawking has graced us with a brand new theory on black holes.

The Euclidean path integral over all topologically trivial metrics can be done by time slicing and so is unitary when analytically continued to the Lorentzian. On the other hand, the path integral over all topologically non-trivial metrics is asymptotically independent of the initial state. Thus the total path integral is unitary and information is not lost in the formation and evaporation of black holes. The way the information gets out seems to be that a true event horizon never forms, just an apparent horizon.

I know its probably impolite of me to knock this guy, but if south park can then fuck can i. dude, stop showing up in the Science & Space section of my you scare me stephen, with your mind control powers and your ridiculous astrophysical brain. your computer voice freaks me out anytime you go on a talk show. please get launched into a black hole to test its true parameters.

Dont worry straight men and women with better things to do, Oprah just signed a deal that extended her already ridiculous deal to broadcast through 2011. Fucking great. More books shoved onto the housewives and homemakers to read. More oprahganda for middle america who think they are hip by listening to a strong black lady. on a side note, katz after watching chapelles show said he too would fuck oprah and have her love child if it meant he didnt have to sign a pre-nup. sellout. Oprah, from the bottom of my heart, take the money and run. let someone else do the talking to middle aged american women... like sign up the dude from harold and kumar go to white castle who was also the dude in american pie. MILF! MILF!

Last but certainly not least, el niño. didnt we retire you in 1997! god damn, quit coming back to the pacific coast. unless of course your nickname is el niño and you are really just alive and well and playing a sketch on saturday night live.

as always have a crunk weekend.


At 8/06/2004 11:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...
Definite Shooby material.


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